Izan

*TW: Sexual Assault and Rape*

I feel so damn weak.

I never thought I'd ever share my fucking disgusting and disgraceful past with anyone, let alone Verena. However, she heard me in my sleep, and I couldn't just pretend like it didn't happen. 

I thought I would feel forced or obliged to tell her, but I felt comfortable around her and knew she would never judge me. She told me about her abusers, so it was only fair I told her about mine. 

"I was ten when it first happened," I began, and she looked at me with her captivating blue eyes, listening and not blinking. Her small mouth was slightly agape, making her plump lips look so full and... 

"You can blink, Vera."

"Sorry," she muttered and blinked rapidly, trying to regain the normal blinking rhythm. "I feel like I'd miss a word or two if I blinked. Now that I've said it out loud, it sounds so stupid. Keep going." I shook my head at her usual weird chain of thoughts. Only she would say things like this and sound logical at the same time.

I sighed and said, "I was in fourth grade when I got my first detention. Growing up, I was an angry child because I used to hang out with Papa's men, and they were violent, not to me, but in general. So naturally, I adopted some of their personality traits and started acting out. My teachers didn't appreciate me talking back in class or cussing, so one of them sent me to detention after school. The teacher in charge at the time was a substitute teacher. He didn't care if I finished my homework, ate, or slept."

"I already don't like this teacher," she commented, feeling where I was going with this. 

It was shameful and painful to remember what happened, but it was time I shared it. I couldn't just keep this memory locked at the back of my mind. It shaped me, and I wasn't ashamed of who I had become after it.

"I thought I could sleep in peace during detention hours, and I did so until one day... everything changed." I envisioned the words running along my chain of thoughts before I said them and hoped for the best. 

"When I was sleeping, I felt a hand crawl up on me, so I snapped awake from my nap and froze at the sight. The sub-teacher was touching my knees in an inappropriate way. Then, knees turned to thighs. Thighs to waist. Waist to chest. Inevitably, chest to my private area. I didn't know what was happening since I was only ten back then, but I knew I didn't like his hands on me... or in me..."

Vera's eyes widened when I said the last two words. "Ese asqueroso hijo de puta," she yelled while looking for something to break, but when she realized I wasn't letting go of her, she settled with a groan. I was caught off guard because she never cursed before. It made me happy. [That disgusting son of a bitch.]

I cupped her cheeks and buried her face in my chest. After a second of taking deep breaths, she calmed down, allowing me to continue. "Unfortunately, he didn't just use his hands." She gasped. 

"With each detention I received despite my good behavior in class, the sub teacher would use a different tool until he raped me." I got quiet, feeling liberated for the first time in twenty years.

Being a Mafia leader required the firmest and toughest attitude toward the outside world, but it felt nice to let my guard down around someone. Around her.

"I realized that he raped me when I searched on the internet. I was too scared to say something... or maybe too ashamed? I don't really know why I kept quiet about this. I should have asked for help."

After realizing my mistake of not telling anyone, I looked at her, and tears streamed down her face. "Why are you crying?" I asked gently, rubbing my thumb on her cheek. 

She cried harder as she straddled my lap and embraced me with all her might. I raked my fingers through her hair, not knowing what else to do. I wasn't an affectionate man. I wasn't used to this type of proximity with women. 

It was true that I wasn't a virgin, but I felt like one with Vera.

"Because no child has to go through that. No one has to go through that. I am sorry. I am so sorry, Izan-"

"Hey, calm down, Vera. Don't apologize to me, not now, not ever."

She wiped her tears on my shirt, reminding me of what I thought of when Jolene did the same to Dario. This felt right. "What happened next? How did it end? Did it end? Oh my God, Izan! Are you still going through it? If so, I know just the Mafia to take care of him. Just tell m-"

"Vera," I groaned because she was back to her talkative self, yet I didn't hate it. "It ended when Papa walked into my detention classroom to pick me up earlier than usual. He saw the sub-teacher forcing his dick in my mouth. I was thrashing around, trying my hardest to escape his hold, but no sound came out as I was petrified of what other people might think of me after." 

I was so fucking weak.

"When Papa realized what was happening, he punched the fucking pedophile and carried me to the principal's office, drained from fighting for my lost innocence while holding the sub-teacher's neck and dragging him across the empty halls. No student was there, but the teachers were appalled at the sight."

"And then what?"

I cried my balls out... but let's leave that part out.

"Then Papa yelled at the principal and threatened to burn down the school if they didn't hand the sub-teacher to him, not the police. The principal cared way too much about his fucking image and the school's reputation, so he buried the case with some hush money for the teachers who were present that day. Papa buried the pedophile alive after he tortured him in creative ways that I cannot describe."

I stopped talking to check her reaction, and she was fucking smiling.

Should I be offended?

"I'm not a fan of death or violence, but go, Marco! If the piece of crap weren't already dead, I would've been willing to commit my first crime and force you to help me hide the body," she explained in a serious tone while rubbing her cheek on mine like a damn cat.

She is so fucking protective.

It's hot.

I want to kiss her cheek.

Would that be weird?

I never had this kind of protection from someone outside my family, and it was comforting.

After that incident, I worked out every day, learned martial arts, and got homeschooled. I became mentally and physically stronger, all thanks to Papa. He snatched me from the ditch, and I was forever grateful.

"Gracias por escuchar," I whispered, and she nodded. [Thanks for listening.]

"Anytime, Izan. I'm happy you decided to share your story with me. Now my past sounds like a walk in the park compared to yours," she tried to laugh it out, but I stopped her, not amused at all.

I flipped us over so she was lying on her back, and I was on top of her. "Never undermine what you went through, Vera. That motherfucker Heath and your deadbeat father will pay, one way or another." I didn't give her time to reply and crushed my body on hers. She felt so soft. "Now, sleep."

She tapped my shoulder, and I let her head off my chest. "In your bed?" she asked, suddenly embarrassed by our proximity. I rolled my eyes.

She was okay with straddling my lap but not okay with me cuddling with her?

"Yes, now sleep. We're both tired, and it's four-thirty in the morning." She seemed to accept our situation and wrapped her arms around my torso. She was tiny, but she fit like a puzzle.

Is my puzzle complete?

~~~ 

17.01.2024 

At this rate, the book will be over sooner than I expected :) 

But anyway, what do you think of Izan's past?