MARY

It was real early the next morning and I was sitting out in the back yard with a book. I didn't sleep well the night before, tossing and turning as I replayed my conversations with both Ian and Matt over in my mind. It was like the past and future were at odds with each other. One ensured certainty, the other held possibilities, but neither made any guarantees. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew I had to make some decisions and this time it all fell on me.

I re-read the same sentence in my book for the fourth time. My head just wasn't into it; it was too clouded with my own issues to concentrate on a fictionalized character and hers. Giving up, I closed the book and looked out at the horizon, watching as the sun slowly started to make an appearance.

A dog's bark caught my attention and I turned my head just in time to see a chocolate lab come bounding up the sand towards me. I smiled; I couldn't help it. The dog jumped up, landing his dirty, wet paws on my lap and lapping at my face, ecstatic to see me. I scratched him behind the ear, laughing, knowing just how he liked it.

A familiar shape came lumbering up behind him. I lowered my eyes when I saw Matt. I wasn't prepared for this, and it wasn't fair for him to use CB to get to me either. He knew how much I loved this dog. I patted CB's head as I peeked over at him, taking in his casual dark shorts and worn, wrinkled t-shirt. He looked tired; I could see it in his body and how it wasn't moving with its usual ease or being held with that same self-assured confidence. His feet were bare and he had a baseball hat pulled down low over his dark hair. He climbed up the dune and stopped just a few feet away from our property line.

"I thought you'd be out here." He raised his hand up to his cap, cocking the lid to the side and squinting down at me. For some reason my smile didn't disappear like I thought it would.

He used to tease me all the time about this little ritual of mine, asking how many sunrises I could watch before I'd ever get my fill. I always told him there weren't enough. Matt turned and stared out towards the sun. "It's going to be a beautiful day."

I nodded my head even though he couldn't see me and wrapped my arms around my body, pulling my knees up into the chair that I sat on. Matt looked over his shoulder back at me. "Mind if I sit with you?"

I paused for a moment. I wasn't sure that was a good idea. Matt must've noticed because he began to back track. "Or I could leave you alone if--"

"No." I shook my head, reacting before I even thought about what I was doing. "You can stay."

His shoulders dropped with relief and he lowered himself down onto the sand, keeping a safe distance between us. I knew he'd rather it wasn't there, but I needed it and he respected that. We didn't say anything and for a little while the both of us just sat there staring out at the water. It felt weird. I was suddenly uncomfortable around the one person I was once the most comfortable with. I didn't know what to do with myself or what to say.

"Do you remember sophomore year? When your dad caught us out there and thought we were swimming?" Matt let out a short laugh and shook his head as he continued to stare down at the ocean. "He had no idea that my pants were down around my ankles underneath the surface."

I smiled at the memory. The one time we decided to get a little crazy in the ocean and my dad came out and called us in. I remembered how I pretended to get knocked over by a wave just so I'd have time to adjust my swimsuit before climbing out of the water. It felt so scandalous at the time. I chuckled and shook my head.

"Do you remember sitting out here on prom night, watching the sunr--" I cut him off.

"Matt, what are you doing?"

He turned and looked back over his shoulder at me. "I honestly don't know." The corners of his mouth dipped and he shrugged. "I just felt like you were forgetting all the good times. I wanted you to know that I hadn't."

"Yeah?" I glared back over at him. "A trip down memory lane is supposed to erase the fact that you fucked some girl?" The sarcasm boiled out of me and took both of us by surprise. But Matt was finally there to release it on and it was obvious that I needed to.

He lowered his head; he didn't have any excuses for what he'd done and we both knew it. The scales of our relationship had been permanently tipped and nothing immediate could fix that. "Mary, sorry will never cover what I did; it was inexcusable. I just need you to know that it only happened once, never again."

"And how am I supposed to believe that, daddy?" I watched him cringe as I used the same words the girl in the text used. It may have been a low blow, but he deserved it. I'd blindly put my trust in Matt and he'd stomped all over it.

"I'm hoping you'll let me prove it to you, show you how much you mean to me."

"What do you want me to tell you Matt, that I'm going to be able to forgive you? That things between us are gonna be fine? Because I can't do that! Things are not fine! I'm not fine!" I let out an exasperated laugh. "I'm so far from fine that it isn't even funny."

"I don't need you to tell me anything Mary. I know you don't have all the answers right now and I don't either; I just need you to tell me that you're gonna give me a chance, a chance to make it up to you. I took you for granted before and I promise I won't ever do it again."

I dropped my eyes and stared down at CB, running my hand through his rich brown fur. Matt was offering me more than I ever thought him capable of. He was offering me a future built on a solid past, but the present... The present was where things between us got murky. I wasn't going back to Philly and Matt didn't have any choice but to; he had a contract with the team.

He paused for a moment, nodded his head, and then looked back out at the ocean. "It doesn't matter if it takes time; we've got nothing but time."

I ignored the sky as it exploded with color and the sun burst through the clouds, and instead kept looking at him. "How can you say that? We don't have time. You've got to go back and I feel like I'm being pressured into making a decision that I'm not ready to make."

He turned around and sat back on his heels. "I don't need a decision Mary; I just want you to let me try. That's all." Tears blurred my vision. I both hated and loved in him that moment. CB must have sensed something off between us because he prodded my hand with his cold nose, trying to get me to pet him again.

"Why'd you do it?" The question felt just as pathetic to ask, as how much I wanted to hear the answer. I forced myself to look at him through my blurry eyes. He threw all those years away, and for what?

This time it was Matt who couldn't look at me, and he turned back towards the water as he answered.

"You weren't happy Mary. I sensed it, but you would never talk about it. We drifted apart there for a bit and I was lonely." He shrugged and then tipped his head and gave it a small shake.

"That's no excuse. There isn't any excuse for what I did. It was a lapse of judgment, a weak moment, a stupid mistake. I could come up with a million excuses, but they wouldn't matter. I hurt you and I'll never forgive myself for that. But I've loved you since I was sixteen Mary, and I'm not sure I know how to stop."

"I don't know if I can ever forgive you," I admitted I a quiet voice, pulling my eyes from him and running my hand down the dog's back. One tear somehow managed to break free and I cursed it as it trailed its way down my face and balanced precariously on the edge of my chin. It dangled there for a second until I finally wiped it away.

"I'm hoping that you can."

The two of us grow quiet again and stare out at the water. I remember that prom night he mentioned; we were juniors. We went to the dance and then stayed out all night, ending up sitting here in this very same spot watching the sunrise. Matt was sitting on the chair I'm in now, and I was curled up on his lap in my wrinkled prom dress with his tuxedo jacket over my shoulders. I glance over at him sitting so very far away and he turns his head and catches my eyes.

"You know I started playing football before I ever had a choice. My parents put me on my first team when I was five and my whole life has been about it ever since. My time. My coaches. My friends. It's always been about football. But you..." His eyes softened and all I could see was the Matt that I'd spent countless of nights with, the man I snuggled up against when I was cold, and who rubbed my feet when I wore a particularly painful pair of high heels. It'd be so easy to fall back into the comfort of it all.

"You Mary were the one thing in my life that I chose, the only thing that I ever wanted just for me."

"Football may have been forced on you," I pull my eyes from his, "but you could've walked away. You love it Matt; don't act like you don't. Some of us get things forced upon us that we don't want, that we aren't even ready for."

"Mary, you may have not wanted the responsibility of your sisters, but you handled it. Erin's about to graduate with honors, and Lexi... Lexi's doing better than she has been in a while. It was shitty of her to take off, but Maine has been good for her, you said so yourself. You got them through everything Mary! You!"

I didn't know if I'd gotten them through anything. Lexi was still a constant worry and now that she confessed she'd slept with Will; that was bound to lead to more problems. Erin certainly wouldn't handle it well. She never handled anything well. She'd just shut down like she always did.

"I made a mistake-- a stupid, awful mistake." I looked back at him. The sorrow on his face was apparent and even though I didn't want it to, my heart yearned to erase it.

"I can't undo what I did, but I can prove to you that it'll never happen again. I can show you that this relationship, that you Mary, mean more to me than anything else."

I unfolded my legs from my chair and stood. CB jumped at me but I ignored him as I tucked my book under my arm and stuffed my hands into the pockets of my oversized sweater. I looked down at Matt, the man a part of me still loved. Maybe I always would.

"I don't need any grand gestures," I told him. "I just need time."

He squinted up at me from under the rim of his baseball hat and nodded. I couldn't bring myself to smile at him again so I just ended up nodding back. I patted CB on the head one last time and turned back towards the house, aware of his eyes on me. Matt had said he was prepared to wait but despite what he did, it almost felt unfair. I still didn't know what the future held for me; how was I to say for sure if he'd even be a part of it?