CHAPTER FIVE
hands touching

FINNICK ODAIR HAD DEVELOPED THE AWFUL HABIT OF STARING AT ELEANOR'S BEDROOM WINDOW. He has been doing it since he came back from the Capitol, since that night. The curtains were always drawn, the window always shut, and it was nothing like her bedroom back at her old home. Back at The Trawler, St Magdalene Rossetti's sat right by the edge of the town centre, which allowed Finnick the perfect ability to climb into her room inconspicuously every night. After a while of him doing it, Eleanor had begun leaving her window unlocked so he could just let himself in.

It had gotten annoying hearing him knock every night so the brunette developed a casual routine of unlocking her bedroom window so he could climb in. He'd sometimes pull her out and sit on the roof watching the stars with her, her head resting on his shoulder as he made up stupid stories about every star they saw.

Now, he couldn't even see her.

Finnick knew Eleanor way more than the average person. He knew small things like how she hates when her hair falls in her face, or how she likes to tap her foot on the floor whenever rooms get too quiet. So, Finnick knew her the best and knew that Eleanor's facade was slowly cracking. His eyes drifted back to the necklace that sat by his bedside table, identical to the one Eleanor had worn in her games.

After she had been collected from the arena, Finnick noticed Eleanor's necklace had gone missing and eventually learnt that Mitchell Braws had snapped it off her neck when she was nearly being drowned. So, Finnick enlisted in Annie Cresta's help to recreate the necklace the brunette cherished so much. He needed to apologise, for what he had said two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago.

It had been two weeks and Eleanor had barely even looked at him. He told Mags what happened and she gave her best advice. She believed Eleanor shouldn't have ta tken his house keys, but thought she should've at least known about the fact he was going to the Capitol. Of course, Finnick was no obligation to explain what he did there, but he should've at least told her where he was.

Apparently, Eleanor was always more stressed and drawn away when he wasn't in 4.

"I'm so confused though," Finnick had also explained the situation to Annie, who confronted him three days past the fight. The pair were sat on the edge of a cliff, watching the waves. It was rare they got these moments, the weather had grown more tense and harsh. Annie had told Finnick how Eleanor wasn't even speaking to her, how she was acting more distant and cold. "Nel said I was... toying with her?"

Annie let out a loud cough, slamming a fist into her chest as she coughed. She gave Finnick a wide eyed look. "Ele said that? Shit, I was correct after all."

"Correct on what?"

Annie gave him a coy grin. "She loves you, dingus." She must've enjoyed the way his face fell, relishing in the feeling of being right.

Finnick wanted to believe it was all one sided. He wanted to love Eleanor, he really did, but he was afraid. Afraid that loving her would condemn her to a worser fate than death. Being friends with her brought her into the Hunger Games, what would loving her do?

Would Snow tie her fate to a noose and string her up?

Have her 'accidentally' shot by a Peacekeeper?

Finnick didn't want to know. He just wanted to make amends with his friend.

After a lot of lessons from Mags (which mostly consisted of Mags lecturing Finnick on how awful he was at making reef knots), Finnick was eventually able to make a semi-accurate recreation of the necklace Annie had gifted Eleanor, with some minor changes.

A new shell, a new piece of rope.

A fresh beginning for Eleanor.

For them.

"You know, with how tedious you've been with this necklace, you'd swear you were in love with Eleanor." Annie had made the offhanded comment as she finally placed the perfect shell for him to use. At the time, he hadn't thought anything of it. Annie had the tendency to make remarks like that without knowing anything. But, then the red haired girl had looked up with saddened eyes, her voice dropping. "Oh."

"What?"

"You do- like her don't you?" The frown on her face became more and more prominent, her bottom lip wobbling ever so slightly. Annie shook her head quickly, giving a quick laugh to cover up her small scowl. "You know she definitely loves you and like why wouldn't she? Ele's perfect, you're great for a guy."

The frown on Finnick's face accentuated his confusion. "Annie?"

"No, no, this is perfect." Annie continued muttering to herself, shaking her head rapidly. She laughed, a small, bitter smile on her face that Finnick couldn't properly understand. Her rambles didn't cease, just Finnick couldn't exactly make out what she was saying. Every word was lost in a pool of incoherence, though it must've meant something because otherwise Annie wouldn't have sniffled. She finally tore herself from her rant, finally looking up to see Finnick's unadulterated confusion. "Oh god, did I do it again?"

"Do what again?" His eyebrows furrowed together, not exactly understanding what Annie was getting at.

"Unnecessarily confess my feelings the moment I realise they aren't reciprocated?" Finnick's eyebrows furrowed even more (if that was even possible), which only prompted Annie to elaborate. "I like Eleanor! There I said it!" She comically covered her mouth as though she was a child caught doing something she wasn't supposed to do. Her bright blue eyes were wide and it took Finnick a moment to realise that Annie's eyes weren't remotely similar to Eleanor's.

"What?"

"Listen Finnick, I didn't exactly see you fall head over heels for her and copy you, okay? I just sorta- liked her?" Annie shrugged, eyeing Finnick. "What? Don't play dumb blondie. Practically all of District 4 knows how in love you are with Eleanor."

"You like Eleanor?"

Annie could have laughed at the fact that's all he focused on. "No, I like you." Annie scoffed, crossing her arms at the Odair boy. "Yes, you idiot, I like Eleanor! No offence, but tall men who look like they're in severe emotional distress aren't my type. Actually no, scrap that, men aren't my type."

Finnick frowned. "A simple 'I like Eleanor' would've been nicer."

Annie shrugged. "Well, you're just a man. Get over it." She didn't take notice of the small scoff Finnick gave, instead unfolding her arms and awkwardly shuffling on the spot. "Listen, I don't blame you for loving Ele, just... why do you do nothing?"

"What do you mean?" Finnick frowned, not understanding Annie's question. What was he supposed to do? Liking Eleanor was what got her in the Capitol mess in the first place, imagine the damage he could do if he acted on those feelings.

Annie frowned. "Ele's in love with you idiot. You know that, so do I. Yet you do nothing."

"No she isn't." He wanted to believe that, but he also had hope that what Annie said was true. His desire to protect Eleanor was nearly overpowered for his genuine desire for Eleanor.

Annie scoffed. "This isn't as debatable as pineapples on pizza, Finnick, which, by the way, is not how pizza should be. You don't deserve to be a victor just to have pizza with pineapples." Annie exhaled, quietly muttering to herself to get back on topic. "Eleanor looks at you like you hung the moon up in the sky for her only. You know that, but you never ask her on a nice pretty date like she deserves."

"I-" He did hesitate, not wanting to be brutally honest. But, eventually Annie pried the truth out of him. "Being Nel's friend wound her in the games. What will being my lover do to her?"

Annie let out a short laugh. "I'm your friend, you haven't seen me being drawn for the games yet." It was sinister to say, especially when Finnick knew that Annie had one more chance at being drawn. The 69th Hunger Games may have concluded nearly two months ago, but the shadow of the 70th was already upon them.

He wasn't willing to test her odds.

"What if I don't feel love for Nel? What if I'm assuming it is cause I have zero clue what love actually feels like?"

Truth was, Finnick didn't know what love exactly felt like. The women in the Capitol had a fun time explaining it to him, feeding him this idea that love is how your body reacts to the sight of someone attractive. Yet Finnick didn't find any of the women he spent his time with attractive. They were just customers to him, extra cash for him to pocket under the guise of Snow's stupid game. Eleanor wasn't like that, she wasn't something forced on Finnick.

She was genuine.

Eleanor felt like the biggest idiot in the world when she woke up in her bedroom, naked with Claudia Jacobs next to her. It must have been late, since they ended up in her house after Claudia's shift at 3pm. She didn't know how it happened, maybe she was sad, maybe she was trying to move on from Finnick, but she ended up sleeping with the girl.

She wasn't drunk, she was just stupid.

Very stupid.

It had started when they were working together. The day had been slow, so Eleanor had simply perched on the counter, animately talking to Claudia about random things. Next thing she knew it, she was kissing her. Then, she was guiding her to Victor Village.

Finally, she ended up in bed with Claudia.

Eleanor banged her head back on the bed, gritting her teeth. How could she do this? Of all solutions in the world - of all coping mechanisms - and she chooses sex?

Talk about issues.

Eleanor hated herself for it. For coping by indulging in sex with people who didn't matter to her. The only time she meaningfully had sex was with August, but even then, she did that

"Eleanor?" She looked over and saw Claudia awake, leaning up on the bed with her elbows. Eleanor could clearly see she was naked, her breasts peeking out from the cover of the bed sheets. Eleanor looked away quickly, wanting to give her privacy. "Oh don't act embarrassed."

"I- uh - sorry I'm just being respectful." She stammered, her eyes forced down to look at the floor. Eleanor nervously got out of bed, quickly grabbing a dressing gown. She winced when she saw Claudia's clothes thrown around the bedroom, staring guiltily at Claudia's black bra. Why did she even sleep with her? Sure, Claudia was attractive - very attractive - but Eleanor wasn't attracted to her.

She hated admitting it, but her feelings for Finnick were becoming a major issue in the long run.

"Well, we didn't exactly do anything respectful," Claudia joked, awkwardly chuckling at her poorly made joke. Eleanor shuffled on the spot. "So, I guess this was a meaningless hookup?"

"Claudia I-"

Eleanor was cut off. "No, Eleanor, I'm not insulted. Everyone knows your thing with Finnick, so believe me I'm not surprised we are just a hookup." Eleanor didn't even reply to what Claudia was saying, because it wasn't a lie. It would always be Finnick, the boy she loved, the boy her heart would beat for. Yes, there would be other people, but her paths always led back to him.

It was like she was tied to him, a string pulling her closer and closer to him, all while she tried pulling away. The harder she pulled, the closer she got.

"You and Finnick, fucking hell, why aren't you two together?" Claudia asked, pulling the bedding off her and grabbing her bottoms. She pulled them up her legs, brushing her curls away from her face. "Pass me my bra?"

Eleanor nodded, wincing as she held the bra and chucked it towards Claudia. "You don't seem upset with me. Why?"

"Eh, people always speculate what it's like to be with you. Boys and girls at school constantly talk about you. I'm just glad I got the ultra premium experience last night," she shrugged, giggling at the way Eleanor blushed. "Oh, come on, don't act so modest. You have a talent with your tongue, but I definitely was great with my fingers."

If it was even possible, Eleanor went even redder.

"Listen, Claudia," Eleanor awkwardly scratched the back of her head, turning her way the moment the girl put a shirt on over her bra. Eleanor could see the trails of love bites littered on her skin and nervously shifted leg to leg. She hadn't even seen herself yet. "I am really sorry and I feel awful, I don't know why it's always Finnick... I just do dumb things and if I have hurt you in anyway poss-" she was cut off when Claudia pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. It was in no way romantic, just a simple kiss to shut her up.

Claudia rested her finger over Eleanor's lip. "Believe me, even if I wanted to hate you, I couldn't. You're too much of a nice girl to actually hate." She smiled softly and Eleanor couldn't help smiling back. Her lips curled upwards in a way that seemed so unique, gentle lines forming at the end of her smile so delicately. It was as though someone had carved her smile from the purest of gold. "Believe me, Finnick Odair is the luckiest boy alive to be loved by someone like you."

She held Eleanor in a tight hug, inhaling softly, before finally parting from the girl. She opened the bedroom door, shut it behind her, and left Eleanor all alone.

She was alone and all she could think about was Finnick. She missed him, she missed him so much and he wasn't here because of her. She messed up, forced him to explain himself when he never owed her an explanation.

She got jealous of girls Finnick probably didn't even meet. She got jealous of possibilities. Yet, here she is, having sex with a girl simply because she was jealous of the thought of Finnick loving someone else. How toxic she was... how stupid she was... how worthless she was.

She let out a laugh, falling down to the ground with a cry. Why was she so stupid? Why did she think sleeping with someone would make her forget about her pent up feelings? Eleanor was so stupid, she was the stupidest girl in Panem.

Of course she was crying on the floor of her bedroom over a boy she wasn't even with. She was the worse person in the world, an ugly soul trapped for eternity, forever drowning in her sorrows of unrequited compassion and love. Why did she love him? Why did she give the best parts of herself to people who didn't need them, yet leave him starved with nothing? Finnick gave Eleanor everything, she had his soul, yet Finnick was being starved by Eleanor.

He was drowning and she couldn't pull him to shore. How awful she was, the weight pulling him deeper into the sea.

But she loved him. Was it wrong to suffocate from love? Was it wrong to drown them both? Could she even save him?

She pulled herself off the floor, shaking with each step she took. She turned on the bathroom light, turning to the mirror and facing herself. A girl stared back, glaring with harsh marks on her face, littered with pain and age. That was her, the person staring back was herself. She was so foreign to Eleanor though. A forbidden demon she tried ignoring.

They did this to you, words whispered in her ear.

This is the price you pay. She wanted them to shut up. Why couldn't they shut up? She splashed water on her face, rubbing harsh, firm circles in her tainted skin. Her nails dug into her cheeks, clenching them. Maybe she'd draw blood. Maybe then she'd see how tainted and artifical she truly was.

A loud knock sounded from her bedroom door. Her eyes snapped open and Eleanor looked in the direction. Three knocks, consistent behind each other. A melody waiting to be invited in.

"Give me a second!" She called out, quickly rushing into her bedroom and pulling on a pair of gloves. No one needed to see her hands. She tightened the dressing gown around her waist, closing her eyes with frustation as she opened the door. "Ma-" She opened her eyes, going quiet the moment she saw Finnick. She stared at him with wide eyes, a shocked expression on her face. "Finnick?"

He gave a sheepish smile and all the sudden a wave of awkwardness wrapped Eleanor in a tight chokehold. She could feel him stare at her face, for a moment cursing herself on why she hadn't put a plaster on.

He swallowed hard. "Sadly I can't climb through your window anymore so I-" Finnick quieted as Eleanor stood up. She quickly pulled him in the room, pulling him into a tight hug. Eleanor didn't know why she did it. Maybe she should have waited, accepted the awkwardness. But she couldn't. She needed to hold him, to feel him close to her. He wrapped his arms around her, practically melting into her warm embrace.

"I'm sorry I've been ignoring you, I was such an asshole two weeks ago, I really should've never asked so many questions-" She was shaking, her body convulsing in a nervous jitter as she waved her hands around elaborately. He grabbed onto them, gentle as he stared her in the eyes.

Finnick cut her off. "No, Nel, you have every reason to distance yourself. I should've never said what I said."

She shook her head, Finnick still holding onto her as though she was the only thing keeping him on the ground. She gently placed her hand on top of him, her soft palms caressing his knuckles with the softness of a feather. "No, I need to stop pushing you away and then having a go at you when you don't tell me things." she whispered. "All you try and do is help and I make your life difficult."

Finnick simply pulled Eleanor close, her head resting on his chest. "Well," he began, a small smile on his face that Eleanor couldn't see. "I do like a challenge."

He could feel her shake ever so slightly. "I don't deserve you." Was all he heard come from Eleanor, who sniffled loudly. He pulled away from her, looking her in the eyes. She looked away.

"Nel," he whispered softly, taking her scaled hands into his own. He didn't care how rough the scales felt as they rubbed on his bare skin. He held firmly on her head. "You deserve every ounce of me and so much more."

Eleanor shook her head again. "No. I make things difficult for you. You have your own—"

Finnick cut her off. "Do you remember what you told me when I was reaped?"

She furrowed her eyebrows together. "To not die or I'd kill you myself?"

Finnick shook his head with a soft snigger. "No— Well, yes you did say that-" Finnick cut himself off with a laugh. "Nel, you told me I gotta keep fighting because If I gave up, then they've won." A soft smile found its way on his face, a memory unfolding before his eyes.

"I don't think I have a chance," Finnick had whispered, held closely by Eleanor. It had been when he was reaped, nearly five years ago now. It felt like it was yesterday when his name was yelled by Thana Fatale, when he had been carted into the Justice Building and visited by those he cared about. "I think I'm going to die."

Eleanor protested immediately. Back then her hair was shorter, a whispy fringe cut (that she had now outgrown). Finnick could still remember the way it flickered back and forth as she shook her head so quickly. "Don't say that!"

"All of the Capitol are gonna think it, don't lie to me and say otherwise." He had snapped back. He regretted the way she jumped at how loud he was. Back then, he didn't know why. Now, it doesn't take a genius to know withdrawals make someone more snappy. Eleanor knew that the hard way, Finnick learnt it the worse way.

Eleanor had hesitated after that. To this day, he can still recall the way she fumbled over her own words, wringing her hands together in a nervous fit. Her face had gone so blotchy from her tears, Finnick could just remember placing a hand on her cheek and feeling the soaked skin against his rough palms. He felt awful, though now he knew there was nothing he could have done to help. "Then can't you prove them wrong?"

His eyes had widened. "What?"

The shone in Eleanor's eyes was remarkable, something Finnick grew addicted to. "If you give up now, then they've won." Her voice was a gentle lull, pulling him in like the tide. It was gentle, Finnick barely having time to register Eleanor pulling her bracelet off her own wrist and grabbing ahold of his.  She tightened it softly, gentling pulling until it was secured on.

"Nel, that's your Pa's-" He tried to take it off, but she held his wrist with a small smile.

Gently, she pried his hand from taking the bracelet off. "You need a token, for the games."

"But it's yours."

Eleanor had simply given him a knowing smile. "Well now you can't go dying on me. I ain't going to pry jewellery off a corpse." She gave a soft laugh, one Finnick couldn't help reciprocating. He was about to be marched to his death, carted away in a veil of gold, yet here he was, laughing. "Die and I kill you myself, you got that?"

"Loud and clear."

Eleanor softly smiled at the memory. "Had to give you more of a reason to come home. Look where you are now."

"Back home."

Playfully Eleanor tilted her head. "Still wearing my bracelet." An amused smile found its way on her lips, the memory both painful and beautiful in her mind as it played out. Her eyebrows furrowed when she saw Finnick's hands fishing through his pockets. "Finnick?"

He put a hand up, signalling for her to pause. "Wait, I have it." He continued fishing, tossing away the empty wrappers onto the bedroom floor. He'd pick them up later, it was that simple. Finally, he cheered from joy, holding up something in his hand. "Aha! Your reason to live!"

Eleanor let out a laugh, shaking her head. "What?" She extended her hand out, her face dropping when she saw what he had. A necklace, but not any necklace. It was an identical replica of the necklace Annie made her just before she got sent into the arena. An identical necklace to the one Mitchell broke when Eleanor drowned him. "Finnick..."

"Now you have a reason to keep going," he whispered softly, unclasping the necklace. "May I?" Eleanor nodded, lifting her hair up as Finnick moved the necklace to sit on her neck. He gently clasped it together, his palms sweaty as he stepped closer to Eleanor. His touch lingered for a moment before he gently whispered, "Now you can prove the Capitol that they will never win."

AN UPDATE TO MARK MY 18TH BIRTHDAY !!!!!! TIS MY BIRTHDAY AND HERE IS MY PRESENT TO U ALL <333

argue with the wall all you guys want, but eleanor has an unhealthy coping mechanism with sex.

notice how she has sex when she's most vulnerable:
A. when she's about to go into the arena -> spur of a moment thing with august
B. after a major argument with finnick - someone she legit loves

sex isn't a good way to cope, but it's how eleanor does. she uses sex to feel something other than her poor emotions. I don't wanna see any of you commenting "finnick would never. how dare she" bc at the end of the day, eleanor owes no loyalties. i know her basis is finnick and her jealousy, which is defo an eleanor L icl bc finnick legit adores her, but that doesn't mean she has to preserve herself for him.

she's legit a teenager. teenagers do dumb things. believe me i am infuriated at her thought process on her jealousy, but she's a teenage girl. she's going to be subconsciously jealous.

it's normal.

but anyways, finnanor is back on track ish. they've got a long road ahead and it's gonna be tough but believe me when they get together it'll so be worth it.

and this is the beginning of eleanor's self care era. aka girlie ain't gonna be sleeping with anyone for a long time