CHAPTER THREE
flesh and bone, heart and soul 

FINNICK WAS IN THE CAPITOL, VIOLA HAD SAID WHEN ELEANOR KNOCKED ON HIS FRONT DOOR. For some odd reason, the red head was inside with her daughter latched on her waist. She looked exhausted, as though she had spent the entire night crying. Her eyes were bruised and red, her voice in a consistent tremor.

"I didn't know he had to be at the Capitol." Eleanor rubbed her gloved hands nervously, her lips shaped in an O as she took steady breaths. "Why hasn't he said anything to me?"

Viola gave a small smile. She looked exhausted, on the verge of passing out. "I don't know, love, but I wouldn't worry. He probably just doesn't want you worrying." Her smile was strained and something told Eleanor that something wasn't right. Everything felt so artificial, so wrong.

Finnick had left early in the morning, according to Viola. It took a lot for the woman to even give in to Eleanor's pleas for more information. But, she eventually gave in. Apparently he was hastily walked to the train station by three peacekeepers, one in front, one behind, one to his side. Eleanor had never realised before but this happened on a weekly basis. Usually every Friday, then he'd be back by the following Sunday.

"He doesn't tell me a lot about what happens, so I wouldn't pry." Viola gave Eleanor a soft kiss to the cheek, closing Finnick's door. She fumbled her pocket, shakily pulling out a key. Her hands shook uncontrollably, her small baby letting out little whimpers. "Hey, shhhh."

"I can lock it," Eleanor offered, eyeing the woman with a slight hope that she'd hand the key over. Viola looked at Eleanor with unwavering suspicion. "Oh come on, you look awful, no offence, and Alys is on the verge of tears again. I'm sure Finnick won't mind collecting the key from mine."

"You aren't just doing this so you can pry information out of the poor kid when he comes to collect his house key?"

Eleanor shook her head. "Of course not."

That was a lie.

She was absolutely going to ask why he hadn't mentioned a single Capitol trip to the brunette. But, if she told the truth, then Viola definitely would not have handed over the key as quickly as she did.

"Also, if you need any help with Alys, I can always babysit?"

"You'd babysit?"

Eleanor nodded. "I love kids, they love me. Win win for both sides and you get a break along with your husband." Eleanor grinned at Viola, who exhaled softly. "Just think about it, yeah?"

Viola hummed softly. "Yeah, kid, sure." And with that she left, leaving Eleanor locking Finnick's door with his key in her possession.

Eleanor could only imagine what Finnick was doing in the Capitol. Maybe he was attending those parties she had attended last year, the ones with the fancy wine and appetisers and the odd drink that made you hurl the food you already ate. Eleanor wasn't fond of those parties, they were always dull and filled with meaningless small talk.

Maybe he was at some beautiful ball, dancing around with women dressed in ballgowns to orchestra music so alien to his ears. Eleanor couldn't help the jealous pang in her chest when she thought of Finnick with other women, loving them, not her.

She prayed Finnick was helplessly bored in a boring room, with people he didn't like. At least back during the games, Haymitch was always there to take the awkwardness away with his odd displays.

There was an odd charm to the clinically depressed victors. Eleanor somewhat enjoyed their company, though she doubted she was any good at providing anything. Talking was somehow harder since leaving the arena, as though someone had started forcing Eleanor to swallow rocks. Her throat always felt dry, her heart felt heavy, and there was always an odd ticking in her mind that drove her more and more insane.

Eleanor absentmindedly scratched at the scales on her hands. She didn't know why they hadn't surgically removed them, though apparently scales were all in fashion back in the Capitol. Thana would tell her often, how in fashion she is with her markings. Apparently people paid thousands to have them done.

Eleanor was sat close by her bedroom window, drowsily watching rain drops fall down her window. She was perched on the second floor, the third window to the right, hidden behind thin curtains as she watched the gloomy weather pass by. It had been a day since that day down The Trawler and despite her effort to return back to normalcy, all Eleanor could do was stare off outside her window. Her eyes followed the drops as they cascaded down, an empty sigh escaping her lips. It had been getting more and more gloomy as Autumn approached, yet the days were still painful and long.

After a while, it gets harder to sleep the day away when you spend most the time you're sleeping, screaming.

She got off the chair, pulling a dressing gown over her frame as she walked to the bathroom. She needed to wash her face, it was dirty and didn't feel good and Eleanor couldn't stand it. As she turned on the bathroom lights, she squinted before finally looking at herself in the mirror.

The girl who stared back at her didn't look like her at all. 

Her eyes were red, puffy and swollen, her cheeks were tear stained and her hair was askew. Thankfully the yolk coloured effect from the venom was temporary, though it seemed the scales were permanently fixed on her. The cut on her face would definitely scar, it was deeper than she thought and it stung to touch. She unwrapped the dressing, eyeing it with hatred. Of course, she deserved it. She knew why, it was obvious.

A soft sob left her lips as she gripped onto the white marble sink. Her sobs were loud croaks as her grip tightened. The Capitol had broken her, replaced her with this broken, ugly girl who couldn't even face the consequences of her actions. Her nights were forever tainted with the memories of the past. Familiar yet unwelcoming faces popped in her dreams every night, reminding her that with her victory brought their demise.

Eleanor felt bad for all the victors who lived by her. It was hard to sleep when you could hear your neighbour hysterically crying constantly.

But, Eleanor tried pretending she was okay. She was good at that, pushing everything away because no one came into the world to deal with her issues. She hated people worrying over her, instead wanting to worry over people since that was what she was supposed to do. She easily wore her smile well, pleased everyone around her and helped attract the attention of many. It was only late at night when she was truly herself.

When she was scared of the shadows that appeared at the bottom of her bed and the faces that haunted her dreams. It was unfortunate that she could only see the people she loved in her deepest slumber, but that must have been the cruel present the Capitol gifted to the victors.

The ability to see their lost ones in their darkest dreams.

That was when she was her real self, the version of herself that Eleanor despised more than anything.

More than the Capitol.

More than Snow.

Eleanor stared at the mirror once again. She gritted her teeth as she scrubbed her face hard. She closed her eyes at the cool feeling of the water, opening them and yelping. She quickly turned to look at her doorway, only to see it absent. Looking in mirrors had become a struggle to Eleanor. Such a simple task had become so difficult to Eleanor.

"Eleanor?" She turned to where her bedroom door was. Her mother had, in the past year, decided to get a hold of herself with her morphling addiction once and for all. It had taken some time, but she could now go days without needing a shot of the drug. It was small, but it made Eleanor feel some sort of hope in her small life. "You okay in there?"

"Yeah Ma," Eleanor called out, quickly drying her hands on a towel and leaving the bathroom. She knew her face would be red and patchy from crying, but she could easily lie and say nothing had gone on. She closed the door behind her, opening her bedroom door to see her mother holding a cup of hot chocolate and some tomato soup. Sue was still awfully skinny, still gaunt in her cheeks and exhausted in her eyes, but she looked somewhat better. At least, Eleanor tried telling herself that. She was praying she was looking better. Eleanor rubbed her eyes exhaustedly.

"I made you soup," a small smile appeared on Eleanor's face at the gesture, allowing her mother to sit on the bed. Eleanor sat down besides her, awkward for a moment. It was unnerving, their shoulders so close together. The pair remained in silence before Sue broke it. "Eleanor, listen, I need to talk to you."

The girl hummed out in agreement, not knowing exactly where this would go.

It took a moment for her mother to collect herself, but she eventually did. "I haven't," Sue placed the bowl of soup on the nightstand, the bowl shaking as Sue held it. Eleanor reached forward, helping her mother with a defeated sigh. Sue huffed, before turning to look at Eleanor. "I haven't been the mother you deserve."

"Ma-"

Sue cut her off with a soft whisper. The tone was alien in her voice. "You know, the day you were born was the happiest day of my life," she reached over and grabbed Eleanor's hands. She gave them a firm squeeze. "I've thrown away so many years of your life on an addiction. I should've stopped the moment it became an issue, the moment I hurt my own baby."

Eleanor shook her head. "Ma, you know that's not how it works." She gripped onto her mum's hands tighter. Her thumb rubbed circles into her mother's tight grip,  "Yes, I wish you weren't an addict but you're still my mother. It hurt me more seeing you struggle"

"I know," Sue's cold hand brushed against Eleanor's cheek. "You've always been a good kid. Raised yourself, always so independent, so smart." The woman let out a dry laugh, shaking her head. "Sean always said you needed me. You didn't."

Eleanor went quiet. She did need her mother. When she was seven, she used to wail into the cold dead night for her mother when a bad dream haunted her. Neither of her parents would chase away the monsters or fight away the shadows.

"When Sean died," Sue hesitated, almost as though the slight reminder of her father haunted the woman. She swallowed hard. "It was hard. The moment your name got called, it was as though I was being told he died again. It was as though those Peacekeepers were coming into our home and saying how he got caught in that boating accident with William. I was just- I didn't want to lose him and you."

Eleanor mumbled softly, "I'm alive, Ma. Right here in front of you, flesh and bone, heart and soul."

Sue pressed a small kiss on Eleanor's forehead. "Try and tell yourself that, sweetheart, I know you ain't the girl I once knew." Sue pressed a chilling kiss on Eleanor's forehead once more. The room grew colder, stuffy with air. Was that possible? "I saw your games, impossible not to." Sue laughed to herself. "Isn't it funny you wanted to save people and now you've killed several."

"Four, Ma." Eleanor whispered in defeat. Mitchell, Moria, Alina, Kai. She could've counted Jaime, Sage, and Marlene too if she wanted to. That was seven. "I feel disgusting."

"I know, baby girl," Sue wiped away a tear falling down Eleanor's cheek. "Don't you go crying, you can't be crying for people you killed."

Eleanor froze. "What?"

Sue cupped her cheeks gently. "I heard you crying. You killed in that arena, you ain't got a right to cry over the corpses you gave to the grim reaper."

"But I didn't want to!" Eleanor cried out, looking up at her mother with tearful eyes. "I was gonna kill myself, I was! I wasn't supposed to come home!" She pushed herself away from her mother, wide, frightened eyes glaringly obvious.  "I murdered kids, Ma!" Eleanor wailed, fat tears rolling down her cheeks as her voice broke. "I'm actively leading a slaughter and doing nothing!" She practically fell into her mother's embrace, something so foreign that a chill ran through Eleanor's body. Sue's bony fingers ran through her knotted curls, practically detangling them as Eleanor wept. It was false comfort, no sympathy in Sue's gesture. Just obligation. "I just wanna be a good person, mama."

Mama. Eleanor hasn't called her mother that in years. The word felt so wrong on Eleanor's tongue, as though the word was being spoken for the first time by a babbling baby. Eleanor felt like a baby, babbling nonsense she knew her mother couldn't fix. Sue couldn't protect her from the Capitol, Sue never protected her when she was younger.

Sue didn't even say anything back to Eleanor. Eleanor's babbles remained unanswered, hushed away while Eleanor prayed for some form of response. Anything, absolutely anything was all she wanted to hear. How she's a monster, how she deserves her stares in public for the scales and still yellowing irises.

How she deserved all the remarks.

But Sue didn't console her daughter. She just held her as she sobbed.

one thing really interesting is writing eleanor and her mother's dynamic together. sue's very emotionally unavailable, while eleanor needs someone who is emotionally there.

if it isn't clear, she is an abusive mother. eleanor is very blind to the abuse bc she loves her mother a lot.

also uh— the key eleanor took — finnick's gonna be very fun next chapter

rip

sorry for the delayed update, i've only gotten my first draft of my epq done and it was stressful bc i basically rewrote everything. that's on me but jac walters ITS ON SIGHT WHEN I SEE U BC U HAVENT EVEN DID THE INITIAL DEBRIEF

ych-a-fi

also someone tell me to read the pjo books so i can write a fic idea i have