"I'm so sorry you have to go through this."

I didn't say anything. Nor did I smile. I hardly ever did.

Hashirama stepped to a bowl of fruits standing in the room and took an apple, bit into it. It sounded crisp and sour.

"How long can I stay away until it's considered rude?" I asked.

Hashirama turned and smiled at me.

"That time has already passed."

I sighed and hid my face in my hands, leaning forwards in the scrumptious chair.

"What the fuck do I do now?"

"Survive", was Hashirama's immediate answer. "Bite your teeth together and go through with it. It's what royalty does. It's what royalty has always done."

"It's funny", I said. "How people outside have prejudices about us and our way of life. Just as they know we have about them. The difference is, they don't consider that their prejudices could be false. I do. Every day. Hoping they are."

Hashirama sat down opposite me, stunned at the amount of words I uttered; I was usually a man of few words. Or, better still, total silence.

"What prejudices do you have about the outside world that you believe are false?" he asked.

"That they hate us", I said immediately. "That they blame poverty on us. Or, maybe, that's just my hopes."

Hashirama smiled.

"You should let this side of yourself out more."

"I don't desire to."

"You're ashamed?"

"Energy-less."

Hashirama stood up and tried to fix my hair.

"Do you love her?" I asked. "The woman you married?"

Hashirama didn't meet my eye, but busier himself with my hair.

"Yes", he said. "She's my best friend. I'm not attracted to her. But she knows about my preference for men and doesn't mind."

I grimaced.

"That's incredibly kind of her. I might not be as lucky."

"How come you asked for a ball to find a wife?" Hashirama asked. "Seems very unlike you."

I was suddenly angry.

"Don't you understand?!" I shouted and stood up. Hashirama immediately backed away. "There's no woman in the world for me! But I must marry by law!" I sunk down on the chair again, hiding my face in my hands once more. "I just want it done with."

Hashirama put his arm around me.

"I'm so sorry you have to go through this", he repeated.

I took his hand.

"Thank you."

I refused to dance.

I just didn't do it.

"But how will you meet a wife?" Hashirama asked and his kind voice irritated me.

I stood to the side, watching as people danced before me, including my brother. The girls were thrilled to dance with him, and he basked in the attention.

I couldn't help but feel slightly jealous. Not of him dancing with people but of his confidence. I wished I had only a fraction of the social abilities my brother had. I just wanted to escape. Despite refusing the ballroom floor, I felt people's eyes on me and I hated it. They knew the purpose of this ball just as much as I did. I wondered if they had become disappointed when they saw me. They had probably wished for someone more handsome. Someone more like...

I looked at my brother's laughing face as he twirled the girls and the ladies alike. I wondered suddenly how his wife felt about it. She was a kind soul, I knew, wanting what was best for everyone in the world. Would she shun Hashirama for dancing with other women? I doubted it.

She wasn't here. She was ill in bed. During the past days, I had visited her at her sick bed, not out of the goodness of my heart but because I hoped she would infect me so the ball wouldn't happen.

"But it was you who wanted the ball to take place now!" Hashirama had burst out after he figured out what my game was. "You were the one who wanted to get it done with!"

Thinking back on it now, I shook my head at my own stupidity. God, I was a mess.

There was a pause in the dance, and Hashirama took my arm and took me mingling. I met many lovely girls, but I felt nothing and said even less.

"At least try to pay them some attention!" Hashirama hissed at me after I had chased away the fifth girl or so by hardly recognising her existence. I was distracted, looking for something. I wasn't sure what. "Not to find yourself a girl but because they have done themselves up for your sake! They're here for you!"

"I can't stand it", I suddenly said, grabbing my brother's arm and pulling him with me to a side room.

It was empty, our steps echoing between the walls in a way that calmed me because it meant loneliness. I leaned against the wall and sunk down, hiding my face in my hands.

"This was a stupid idea", I said.

"I agree", my brother said. "I thought I'd go see to that boy who fell. The black-haired one. See if he's okay. He looked very embarrassed."

I snorted.

"Him. Why would you bother?"

"Why would I not?"

"He was clearly from a poor family. We should have asked for the invitations only to involved those of a certain class. He was so plain-looking."

Hashirama opened his mouth, but before he could speak, we heard the sound of angry steps.

We turned round and were shocked to see the very same black-haired boy who I have called plain-looking. He had been standing in the room adjacent to ours, and now had to step through our room to get out, upset after he had overheard our conversation or rather, my insensitive words.

His head was down-cast, and there were tears streaming from his face. His black shirt was billowing behind him, as did his hair, which I saw was up in a rather beautiful and complicated braid.

"Well, you fucked that up really good", Hashirama said and walked out after the man.

I hid my face in my hands.

"So... Tobirama, dearest."

It was Mrs Larson, our oldest maid. We had offered her a hefty sum to retire for years, but she refused.

"No, dear", she would always say. "What would I do without your family?"

Now, she was helping me out of my evening makeup. I could do it myself, but I let her because I knew it made her happy to feel needed. I was secretly glad she was still with us.  She was like a grandmother to me. Had been, all my life. 

"Yes, Mrs Larson?"

"Did you find a pretty girl?"

I sighed.

"I don't think I'm made for marrying", I said.

"Nonsense", she said. "Marrying isn't something you're built for or not. It's not like running or swimming. It's more like eating. Everyone is built for it."

I smiled at her simplistic outlook on life.

"What do you recommend for me then?"

"Charles is nice."

I almost choked on my soul.

"Charles?!"

Charles was my squire, a boy five years my junior.

"Don't play dumb with me, Tobirama, dearest", she said. "I know you like men."

"Is it that obvious?" I asked, suddenly worried my parents would find out, or worse, that they already knew.

"No, dear. Just to me. Nobody knows you quite as well as I do, except for your brother, perhaps.."

I sighed.

"I must marry a woman. The law does not allow a man. Or that I remain unmarried."

"The law should be changed."

"I do not hold that power, unfortunately, ma'am."

"Well, in that case, Tobirama, dearest", she said, pushing a comb through my hair. "You listen to me and marry a woman who you may have a deal with. Someone whom will allow you to be free, and will allow you to be yourself. Sorry, dear, can you tub your bath yourself tonight? I'm feeling a bit tired."

"Of course",  I said. "Anything I can provide for you, Mrs Larson?"

"No, dear."

In that moment, the door opened, and in came Charles, the mousy, brown-haired squire carrying fresh towels. I couldn't help but stare at him after what Mrs Larson had implied, and I noticed it made him uncomfortable.

"Oh, Charles, dear?"

"Yes, Mrs Larson?"

"Will you help dear Tobirama with his bath?"

Oh, the old crow.

Charles blushed at her use of my first name.

"Yes, Mrs Larson. Your Highness."

The old woman left looking very pleased with herself, and Charles went to my bathroom to fill the bathtub.

"Thank you", I said darkly as he came out. He blushed as he saw I was only wearing a towel around my hips. "Will you wait for me to finish?"

I usually hated using staff this way, but found I was enjoying myself. It was the first time I had let my love for men bloom, and it felt too blissful to stop.

I took a short bath, for Charles' sake, before I dried myself.

I didn't put any clothes on before walking out.

I could see the moment his soul left his body.

"Y-Your Highness, I-"

"Help me dress, will you, please, Charles."

It was something incredibly erotic having someone you've grown up with, that you'd played swords with as a child, dress you from your skin and out, especially when he was now more than a head shorter and less than half my weight. My eyes were on him the entire time, incredibly aware of his presence. Him, in turn, looked away with a blush the entire time as he put the several layers of bed robes on me.

"Thank you", I said as he was finished.

I stared at the door for a long time after he had closed it behind him.