If one were to ask, how does a man cope with pain? We may never truly know. There is a dangerous depth hiding and lurking beneath them. Women do have the same tendencies, but most rarely act upon them. Man on the other hand is keener on manifesting this dangerous depth. Maybe because they were created and tailored to be more on the aggressive and stoic side of things, while women are put together in a string of sweeter and fluffier strings. But, does that mean there is a huge difference in the depth of their ability to love or cope with pain? Perhaps there is but how far? Does the gap even matter?

Women usually talk to their friends and family when it comes to their woes, but how about them? Whom does the man talk to? A bottle of beer? A group of men who sees things in parallel to theirs? Who often gives them enlightenment or clarity? Women? Their wives? Their mother? Do man even pour out their heart and thoughts in the open?
***

(West Wing)

Mark and the rest of his companions couldn't believe the spectacle before them. Sheldon was not a guard who showed emotions, no, he was someone who kept to himself. He finished his work every day without so much as a word to any of them. Harold once said that the man was probably way older than the warden, but that was not something which they should bother themselves with.

There had been many stories within the guard's community about Sheldon Tappia, some of which consisted of the man's past and how he became a guard in the prison building. Others comprised of his attitude and why he chose to keep to himself, but most spoke about the man's mental state. They said he probably has autism or something. Now that they were seeing first-hand the weirdness of his behavior, Mark couldn't help but think, that maybe the guy does have problems with his head.

When Sheldon was done picking up the letters, Mark aided him in fixing them by date. The young guard did not fail to inform Sheldon that the letters were written every year since 247's incarceration. Mark couldn't process or understand why Sheldon seemed too affected by the knowledge of it, and when Sheldon began to read the first letter, the man started to cry.

Mark understood that the letters had a weird emotional weight to them, but to cry like a child? That was far from normal.

Sheldon wanted to bring the letters close to his chest and hug them, spill his tears on the already stained letters, probably by 247's salty liquids.

He bent his head and reminisced on the previous letter he read. It was the twenty-first letter.
***

Dear Maria,

I had another dream my love, but unlike the others, this dream left me thinking of another woman. I have something to confess. There was once a woman in my life. She never had my heart though, that part of me is something that will always belong to you.

Remember when I said, I left Rancho Buenaventura? I had no place to go. I was a man who lived inside a forest for two whole months, I needed to hide. I'm aware of the implications of my action compelled. I became a wanted criminal Maria, an existence that would be put to death upon sight.

The days when I lived off of plant leaves and roots, not to mention small unsuspecting animals were torture. But it didn't come close to the pain of not having you. That's probably why I withstood everything that happened because there was a greater pain sheltered inside of me, a pain that outweighed everything else.

Love, I want you to know of a name, Shelby, she was the only woman I lived with after my mother passed away.

How did we meet?

Well, she found me inside the forest. She was busy cutting up wood for her barn when she came across me. According to her, I was barely alive. I was skin and bones, and close to hypothermia, those were her exact words.

She said at first, she believed I would never survive. Why did I even survive Maria? I have been through so much and yet, I always survived. Why, when all that would await me was pain? I never understood Maria. Was I once a man who had given immeasurable pain to someone, or a Nation?

Let me begin by saying, I love you, Maria. No woman will ever replace you.

Shelby was a widower, she had two kids, but they were both married and lived far from her. She owned a Ranch, the funny thing was, Rancho Buenaventura was not even far from her own.

I'm certain she was aware of the incident that transpired, yet, Shelby appeared ignorant of it.

She was such a sweet woman, caring, and in the three weeks that she nursed me to health, she never once asked me a question, other than my name.

She always made sure that I was taken care of, and that I had everything I needed. Why did she do that Maria? She barely knew who I was. Was she not afraid of the news about a man who murdered the heir of Rancho Buenaventura?

Anyway, after three weeks, I was on my feet again. I stayed with her and helped with heavy tasks on her ranch. We barely spoke with each other in the first two months that I lived with her, until one night, she came up to me and asked, "Are you married?"

Her question came out of nowhere. I was reluctant to answer, but when I saw how her eyes stared back, pleading and expectant, I shook my head and answered no.

Her smile was bright and wide after my response. She didn't say anything else after that, she just turned away and retired for the night.

To be honest Maria, I understood why she asked. She was such a lonely woman. She lived alone, with only a bunch of cats and animals to feed her everyday need for companionship.

Had I ever indulged in a relationship with her?

Yes, yes I did Maria. I spent a few nights in her room.

I wish you would understand. It was not something that I loved to do. I only felt grateful and was repaying her kindness, in a way that I knew how, or was capable of.

Our relationship stayed that way for five long months until Shelby asked if I could marry her.

Allow me to make it clear, I didn't love her, but she was such a sad soul, I ended up agreeing to her wishes.

Our marriage was to be held on the eighth of November 1963. Shelby was so happy back then. Was I happy Maria? I don't know, I only agreed because I felt sorry for her.

When the day before our marriage came, I suddenly felt apprehensive. I spent the entire day working inside the barn. I exhausted myself until my limbs were numb and my feet ached. Shelby must have noticed, so she invited me to sit with her in the living room.

She asked me what was wrong, and that's when I told Shelby about you. She cried a river of tears, bitter and painful tears, like the ones I shed during your wedding. I thought Shelby would tell me she understood and will do everything she could to help me forget you, but she did not.

She gave me one sentence, and that was, "You are incapable of loving someone else."

That night, we did not share her bed. I spent my evening inside the barn while Shelby slept. When morning broke, I found Shelby sitting on the porch, she smiled at me and said, The wedding is off, find your Maria and profess your love. Too late, it's not a word that should govern you. Give yourself a chance, at least tell her how you feel.

Is it wrong to say I felt guilty? Did I give her false hope? Was it my fault Maria? My demons kept accreting, pulling me further into the pits of self-loathing. I am a coward, a murderer, and a man who longed but denied love.

I left Shelby that same day. Though she did her best to hide her tears, it defied her, when I mounted the cart which she procured for me.

I turned my back on the first woman who showed me affection, not because I wanted to hurt her, but because she understood the depth of my love for you. So, in order not to fail her sacrifice. I started my journey, to return to your side.

Merry Christmas Maria!!!!

Ps: The warden is on me again. He still wants to reopen my case!

Love Forever

Your Silent Knight
***

Sheldon slumped back on the wall behind him. "Lucious Dualti," he whispered, as another batch of tears fell from his already puffed eyes.

Mark and the rest of the guards inside the office could only hold their tongues. But a single sentence was floating amidst their silence, What was wrong with Sheldon?