I jerked up, woken up by wild screams for help. My own wild screams. 

Gasping for air, lungs burning, chest heaving and still filled with cold heaviness. I coughed, and breathed in, and coughed again, fighting with myself for my next breath.

The tank top I was wearing was soaked with sweat, cold sweat covering my entire body and making me shiver. I ran my hands along my arms - from shoulders to elbows - in an attempt to warm myself. But it was useless. There's no warmth in the watery abyss I was in, and I was still there in my mind.

I shivered again.

I hated those nightmares, I hated having them, I hated waking up from them because even in the daylight I wasn't able to shake them off. Even in the brightest sunlight, I felt wrapped in darkness, and abandonned in the watery abyss created by the rivers I cried.

I took a shaky breath.

No, there was no warmth for me, no peace, no waking up with relief because my eyes might be open and see the reality but my mind was far behind. My mind was slowly, incredibly, painfully slowly returning and escaping from the nightmare to recognize the reality only to be brought back into the terror the next time I fell asleep.

I shook my head, settling into the here and now completely. Good. Or not so much.

The shaking of my head drew my attention to the terrible pain throbbing in my head. It had its own pulse. Du-Dum-Du-Dum-Du-Dum. It was awful but it also pushed away the despair and self-pity I was wallowing in. At least for now.

I slowly sat up and rubbed my temples, gently pressing with my index and middle fingers.

"I need aspirin," I murmured.

I struggled out of bed, my whole body felt stiff and everything hurt.

I barely could move but I made my way slowly to the door of the room, which was wide open. And how else to be?! Dirty clothes and empty fast food boxes littered almost the whole floor. It was a stroke of luck that my phone ended up on the soft shaggy rug instead of the greasy leftovers. 

Okay, it wasn't a stroke of luck. I tried to keep this little space around the armchair clean, otherwise I wouldn't be able to get to my bed - my sanctuary for this past month.

Although my bed was almost in the middle of the room, there were nowhere to pass without trip over piles of litter or dirty clothes. So, this small section from the nightstand, through the space between the window and the bed, past the armchair in the corner and a few steps along the wall next to the doorway, I cleaned regularly. And by "clean" I meant that I kicked the empty boxes and the clothes either in the space between the bed and the constantly open wardrobe, which was already half-empty, or to the hallway that connects my room with the rest of the suite.

I got to the hallway but all of a sudden, next step met me with the floor. At least it didn't hurt much because I fell on a pile of clothes.

"Gee, I didn't know I had so many clothes. Not that I complain." No, not at all. Hadn't I had so many things to change in over this whole time, I must've taken a shower at some point. "A shower...Yeah, I don't have energy for such a thing!"

I had tripped on something. What a surprise, right! 

I sat up and laid my back on the wall, and looked around. My eyes immediately filled with tears.

"How did I get to this?" 

I pulled my legs to my chest, wrapped my arms around my knees and hid my face in them, letting tears flow freely. Lately, this position had been the most comfortable for me - it's like a hug that kept me from collapsing completely. And tears... Tears became a natural part of me. I thought I had no tears left to cry, that they had dried out. But I was wrong. Apparently! They came as easily and as abundantly as the first time my heart was left broken and bleeding.

Yeah, I'd been crying a lot lately. For everything, and nothing in a particular.

It used to be ridiculous to me how some women get upset on a broken fingernail, but now even that could make me cry like a baby.

"Ha," a bitter semblance of laughter escaped my lips.

Yesterday, for example, I cried because they canceled the TV show that helped me to survive part of the day in a blissfully thoughtless state.

I would probably have shouted at the TV if I had had that much energy. But I just angrily turned it off and stared at the black screen with tears running down my cheeks until my stomach reminded me I needed to eat. Meaningless TV shows and food from fast food restaurants had been filling my days lately. I got up, walked to my room, picked up the phone, and ordered food plus dessert. Always plus dessert. After all, I needed a little sweetness in my otherwise bitter everyday life.

Before, I rarely thought of anything sweeter than a well-ripened fruit. But now, I discovered I loved lava cakes. Maybe because we looked alike. We were intact and solid whole on the outside, but just a scoop with the spoon, or a little reminder of the pain in my case, was enough to reveal our liquid center. Except that lava cakes' core was sweet chocolate, and mine - salty tears. But anyway.

I lifted my head from my knees and leaned it against the wall.

Since... that awful day in January, I'd been filling my days with TV shows that didn't provoke any thought, or binge watching favourite ones, and fast food to the point that my head started aching from the hours before the screen and my stomach hurt from the extremely unhealthy food. And then I walked my personal version of the walk of shame to my room, curled up under the blanket, and fell into a fragmented, restless sleep if I was lucky, and if not... 

And when I woke up, tired or screaming, the cycle repeated all over again.

But that was the only way to cope with pain - drowning it (yeah, nice way to say it, Rose!) with noise and burying it under delicious and unhealthy food. That was the only way for me to survive. Otherwise the terrible pain would envelop me tightly with its limbs like a Kraken and drag me to the bottom of the ocean - deprived of air, light and hope. Just like in my nightmares.

There wasn't much hope remained in me though. But it was enough. Enough to keep me afloat so I could continue my living of a sort. And the little spark of hope left in me was that maybe tomorrow I would wake up with a little more energy and at least try to deal with the chaos that my life had turned in.

Maybe. I sighed wearily.

"Well, I'd better get up and take aspirin, because my head apparently won't heal on its own," I thought. It was still aching. A lot!

My headache was caused by mental exhaustion and most likely dehydration. Fast food was high in many unhealthy things and one of them was salt - tons of salt. I used to drink a glass or two of water to hydrate myself and fight with the ache before. It worked then, it helped, but now it seemed to have too slow effect for my taste because now my pain threshold was much lower. So I didn't bother trying it and just went for the sure and quick thing - aspirin. Was it good - probably not. But it reduced the pain much faster and that was more than good for me.

Yup, aspirin did a great job - half a pill and I was a bomb.

"Ha!" I laughed gloomily.

Maybe I really had turned into a bomb - a time bomb. I was standing still and meek then suddenly I burst into tears and snot.

"Ha-ha!" Joyless laughter escaped my throat. Funny. Rose - the rose bomb, exploding into rose petals. "Ha-ha!" Yeah, right!

I sighed wearily again, and struggled to get up from the floor, leaning against the wall. I passed the bathroom door on the left, and staggered toward the open living room area. It took me ten slow steps to reach it.

I walked around the couch, whose back was facing the front door, and stopped between it and the coffee table, which was cluttered with empty boxes. Surprise surprise! Among them was an aspirin blister pack and a half empty glass of Coke.

I bent down to pick the blister pack up, and a painful "Oh!" slipped through my lips.

I was about to break the foil and pour the pill into my hand when I heard a thud from the front door. I turned abruptly to check what happened which was a horrible mistake.

A sharp pain pierced my neck and head.

"Sssp!" I sucked in air between my teeth and closed my eyes. "Gee, that hurt!"

When the pain subsided, I opened my eyes and blinked at the front door. Something small and red caught my attention.

"Meh, I don't care!" I shrugged which hurt again and I frowned.

I tried to dispense the pill of the blister again. But curiosity tickled me from within, and I couldn't resist it. I surrendered with a heavy sigh, and tossed the blister pack on the couch.

I doddered like an old lady toward the red thing which had sparked a forgotten light in me.

And there before my front door laid a bright red letter envelope.