"I'm so sorry, Emilia."

April has my hand clasped inside of hers. The sincerity on her face almost makes me want to break down into tears all over again but I don't think I have any left inside of me.

We moved from the stairs to the couch once we both managed to pull it together some. April's eyes keep leaking, her tears slowly rolling down her face, but I've entered some sort of detached state after all my emotional turmoil.

"You don't need to be sorry. It happened a long time ago." I pick at a piece of lint on the couch cushion next to me. "And don't worry, I won't tell Cal."

April looks taken aback by my words when I glance at her. She must not believe me.

"I know he's already super stressed out. He's still figuring out how to cope with the baby that's coming. My appearance in his life and finding out about... about what happened to me has already fucked with his head. He doesn't need this on top of everything. And like I said, it happened a long time ago. I'm over it. I'm not sure why I freaked out so much... I guess I was just scared of it happening to you. I'm really sorry about dumping this on you. I know you have enough on your plate too, and—"

I stop talking when April drops her head against my shoulder. "Emilia, please. Stop worrying about how everyone else is doing." She squeezes my hand. "You need to tell him."

"Theo?"

April sits up again and looks at me with a small frown. "Well, I think it would be a good idea for you to tell him too, but that's a different conversation. Cal, Emilia. You need to tell Cal."

I cast my eyes away from her. "No. He has too much going on already."

"That doesn't matter. This is important. You shouldn't have to carry this alone. You should have never had to carry this alone."

"He doesn't need to know, April. He would have never wanted my child anyway."

"You don't know that. Cal loved you. He loves you now. I'm sure he would have loved your baby. His baby. He wouldn't want you to keep this from him, even if it hurts to know."

I pretend to consider her words but then shake my head. "I can't."

She sighs and leans back. Her hand touches her stomach which is yet to show any real sign of her pregnancy. "Then I will."

My eyes go wide before I narrow them at her. "You wouldn't."

"I don't want to have to. But I will if you don't."

So much for liking her. "What the hell, April? I didn't tell him when I realized you were pregnant!"

"That's completely different, Emilia. You knew I would tell him eventually. You're also not his wife, and I'm not saying that to be a bitch. It's just, I can't keep this from him. We don't do secrets."

I remember all about the no-secrets rule from when I told Emily that I would keep it a secret that she swore but I'm still annoyed with April's reasoning.

"What about Cal? He's keeping a secret from you right now. He won't tell you what's bothering him, and it's been weeks!"

She frowns before she shakes her head. "No, he's not... He's just not ready to tell me yet. But he will. And even if he wasn't going to, that wouldn't make a difference. We've promised each other not to keep secrets, and I would uphold my end of that even if he didn't."

I forgot what a fucking goody she is. April Jones, the perfect wife. Give me a fucking break... And yet, knowing that Cal can one hundred percent trust this woman does weird things to my heart. He needs that. Not that I'll admit it. Not right now.

Instead, I say, "You're being such a bitch. Isn't there some women supporting women code about this stuff?"

"No," she answers firmly, "not when it comes to my husband." She lightly touches my hand and gentles her voice. "I won't tell Theo. I think you should, but I know it's not on me to interfere with that, even if he is my brother. But Cal? You can't ask me to keep this from him. I won't. So if you won't tell him then I—"

"Fine!" I give in. "Fuck. Fine, I'll tell him."

Maybe it would be easier to just let April tell him. But she's been so upset since she found out and she's already dealing with so much when it comes to their relationship. I can't put this on her too.

I know I've made the right call when April drops her shoulders and lets out a slow breath, releasing some of the tension she was carrying. She leans against me again and puts her arms around me for another hug. "I'm so sorry, Emilia. I can't imagine how hard it's been for you."

I lean my head against hers and let out a deep breath of my own. "It's fine."

"It's not."

I don't know what to say. This morning has been exhausting and it's not even eight yet. Between all these emotions and my hangover, I'm lucky to have the day off after having worked Saturday. Rather than try to counter April's words, I change the subject. "That was a neat trick earlier."

"Hmm?" She sounds as tired as I feel.

"That countdown that you did with the senses."

She smiles.  "You can thank Theo for that one. He used to talk me through it. I'm pretty sure he found it with a Google search." There's a short pause as she reminisces. "I did learn about it later in my studies to become a counsellor. Although, it's supposed to be five things you can see and then four things you can touch. Theo always got it wrong, forgetting which of the senses to start with, so I tend to say it wrong now too. But only the first two. Otherwise, it gets too complicated. I'll never forget the time Theo asked me, in a panic of his own, to name five things I could taste. It was the middle of the night. All I could taste was my dry mouth."

The story makes me smile at first. It's hard to imagine Theo being anything but a steady rock in crisis. But then I think about how his life has shaped him into that role through pain and loss. I think about his tired eyes and the hurt on his face that's been present since I got out of his truck nearly two weeks ago. Have I become one more trial in his life's story; a difficulty trying to break him that he will inevitably push through to become stronger?

It seems no matter where I end up, that's one of the two roles I play in the lives of those around me. I'm either unwanted and hurt or hurtful when wanted.

"He loves you, Emilia." April's voice interrupts my thoughts. I guess it's obvious that I have Theo on my mind. "That's not going to change if he finds out about this. You can tell him. Whatever it is that's come up between you, I'm sure you can work it out."

She doesn't understand, but then, how could she when she doesn't know the full story? It's not that I'm afraid that he'll leave me if he finds out... It's that I'm afraid that he won't. He'll stick it out and put me first like he always does and then years will pass and he'll resent me for being a part of his life when his life could have amounted to so much more.

"Didn't you want to start some laundry before waking Emily up for school?"

April sighs in response to my question and turns to look out the window. "Okay, I'll leave it alone... for now. You promise you'll talk to Cal though? I don't want to rush you but..."

"But you can't keep secrets from him," I finish her sentence for her. "Yeah, yeah. I'll tell him soon. Isn't he trying to set up an appointment with Melissa? I'll wait until after that."

"I don't think he'll be able to get in to see her tonight. That shouldn't stop you from telling him though. It might be better for him to hear before he sees Melissa anyway. She'll be able to talk him through his feelings."

"Yeah... That makes sense."

"And you?" she asks carefully. "Do you have any appointments this week? I don't mean to pry but..." The smallest smirk of amusement pulls on her full lips before she shrugs. "Fine, I'm prying. But only because I care. As I said before, we're family and family pries. It would be a good idea for you to talk to your therapist this week. Even if you've mentioned this part of your life to her before. The fact that you've told me and will be telling Cal is something worth discussing with her."

"Fuck, you sound like your brother," I mutter but then nod in agreement. "I'm seeing her tomorrow. I'll tell her."

"Do you want me to come with you?" When she sees my perplexed expression, she pats my hand. "Sometimes it's easier having someone there, especially to get the conversation started. I used to go with Cal a lot, in the beginning, and Theo used to come with me. I could leave the room whenever you want me to and wait outside until you're done?"

I consider her offer but then shake my head. "I think I might talk to Cal tonight... He's going to need you."

"Don't worry about Cal." Her reply comes quickly but I can see the hesitance in her eyes. We both know that's not an option for either of us and as much as April wants to be there for me, I know Cal is going to need her more.

Besides, I'm used to doing it on my own now.

"You could call Theo?" she suggests quietly. "Or if you don't want to, I can. He can stay with Cal tomorrow night while I go with you and—"

"It's okay, April." I smile at her to try and sell my claim. "I appreciate the offer but Cal is going to want you, not Theo, and—"

"He'll manage without me for a couple of hours, Em. I—"

"I don't want Theo here." I'm lying through my teeth but I must have managed to sound convincing because April sighs with a slow nod.

"Okay. Just let me know if you change your mind."

That won't be happening. I won't let myself give in to what I want most right now.

"You have the day off, don't you?" she asks next and when I nod she asks, "Do you want to get out of the house with me? I'm planning to go to the garden centre after I bring Emy to school. We could stop at the diner for breakfast first and..." She drifts off when she notices me shaking my head.

"You don't have to spend your day with me, April. I'll be fine. I think I just want to nap."

"I know I don't have to. I want to. Go get some sleep now. We'll get lunch instead of breakfast after you wake up, okay?"

I'm not sure how I feel about this idea but the expectant look on April's face makes me feel as if I don't have much of a choice. "Okay, yeah. But can we not talk about all this for the rest of the day? I'm already going to have to talk to Cal about it tonight and... It's just a lot."

"Whatever you want, Emilia. But if you do decide you want to talk about it, today or any other day, I'm here, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks, April."

"There's no need to thank me. That's what family is for." She leans against me to give me another short hug and then stands up from the couch. "It's not all prying. There's good things too."