"Pick one," Theo's low voice comes out in a gruff rumble as a notebook drops on the table in front of me, next to my plate of spaghetti.

I glare up at him as I set my fork down but my expression softens when I see the pleading expression in his tired eyes, and he gently adds, "Please, Milia. You told me you'd go..."

Things haven't gotten any better between us. I've continued to sleep alone upstairs while Theo sleeps on the couch. He leaves for work in the morning before I'm awake and our small talk at night is becoming increasingly unbearable. This is only the second night since our fallout but it feels like a lifetime of misery.

I've been making meals for dinner. Each night Theo thanks me and tells me that it isn't necessary in the same sentence. I usually eat before he gets home but he came home earlier today, which is how I've found myself here, moving my eyes back down from his exhausted face to look at the list of therapists in the notebook.

"I don't know. How do I..." I scan over the names and chew on my bottom lip. How can such a little decision seem to carry so much weight?

Theo's large hand rests on my shoulder. His thumb gently strokes over my collarbone before massaging my skin in slow circles. "Any name is a start. If you don't like her, you try someone else. I could pick for you, if you want?"

My eyes close, and I lean into his touch. I've missed it so much. Every night, I fight the urge to walk downstairs and curl up next to him. All day long, I count the hours until he gets home, even if all we seem to do lately is skirt around each other and exchange stiff smiles.

Theo's hand moves along my shoulder to massage the side of my neck and then curls around the back of it. He steps closer to me and with a gentle pull he moves my head to rest against his solid thigh.

I nod my reply to his offer as his hand moves up into my hair and his fingertips massage my scalp.

"I'll call to make the appointment." His soothing voice has me pressing closer to him. "And I can drive you there too."

"I can ask Cal to take me," I answer. Theo already does too much for me. "He gets off work earlier than you, and I know he won't mind."

Theo's fingers go still, and I immediately miss the calming sensation his massage was working through me.

"Okay," he answers while moving his hand out of my hair. He steps away from me toward the stove where the pot of spaghetti is waiting for him. "Thanks for making dinner again, eh. It smells amazing, but you know you didn't have to."

Ah, so we're back to the same old awkward small talk...

----------

"I'm proud of you, ya know," Cal tells me with a smile while he takes another drag of his cigarette.

Things have been going well between us since our night watching the meteor shower. We've practiced driving a couple of times, and Cal was more than ready to give me a ride to my first therapy session earlier today—Theo somehow managed to get me a next-day appointment. We didn't talk much on the way home though.

Cal seemed to be lost in his own thoughts, and he barely looked at me when I got back in the car. I had been dreading a drive home full of questions because I was still trying to work out everything in my own head, but to not get any questions felt sort of weird too.

I think Cal noticed my insecurity when we got home because he sighed and ran a hand over his face before saying, "Shit, I'm sorry, Emy. Did it go okay?"

I nodded my head and accepted the hug he offered me, but he caught my arm before I could get out of the car.

"I'll come by later tonight and we can talk about it?" he offered. "Or not talk about it, whatever you want. I know I'm going to need a smoke though."

I smiled at him and patted his hand. "Okay. I'll see you later."

He took a lot longer to text me than I expected but I haven't been sleeping much these days anyway so I was fine with coming out to the front porch in the middle of the night. The only tricky part was sneaking past where Theo was sleeping on the couch to retrieve a couple of cigarettes from the kitchen.

Cal slowly rocks the porch swing with his feet, and I give him an awkward smile. "What's there to be proud of? We barely even talked about anything. It was all just very basic questions."

He lightly shrugs his shoulders. "The first meeting is usually like that. But still, starting to go is a big step to take. It took months of Theo badgering me before I agreed to try it. I'm glad he was able to convince you a little easier. Though, I guess he had an advantage this time around." He smirks at me but his mention of Theo makes my mood sour, and unfortunately, he notices.

"What is that face for?" He frowns while pointing at me. "What is going on between you two?"

I look away from him and take my time to answer. A cloud of smoke slowly curls out of my mouth. "I don't think anything is going on between us... He's a really nice guy, Cal. But we're just too different. It was a fleeting idea that the two of us could... That he could..." I don't know where exactly I'm going with this so I shrug my shoulders.

"That's bullshit," Cal replies, and when I don't look at him, he snatches my cigarette out of my mouth and throws it off the porch.

"Hey!" I glare at him and steal the cigarette from his hand. "I thought you'd be happy. You didn't want us to get together anyway."

"That's not true." He sighs and then mumbles, "Well, it's not completely true. I just want you to be happy, Emy. I want Theo to be happy too. Maybe at first, I didn't want you guys together, but then you seemed good for each other..."

"Well, it turns out we're not." I finish his cigarette and lean forward to butt it out in the ashtray.

"Huh," Cal mumbles, "I'm not convinced."

I frown at him and look out at the road. "I'm not trying to convince you. I'm just telling you how it is. It's fine though. He's still letting me stay here, and he's still being Mr. Good Guy. He booked my appointment for me, after all. I'm not upset with him. I think he just realized that I'm not what he wa-ants." My voice quivers on the last word and I silently curse myself. I had been doing such a good job at keeping my tone steady.

"Oh, Emy." Cal wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his side. "Don't be like that. I get it. I've been doing the same thing to myself lately... But you gotta know, it's not you. Whatever is going on between you guys, I don't think it's because he doesn't want you."

"What do you mean?" I question, latching on to the chance to steer the conversation away from Theo and I. "What's going on with you and April? You seemed really out of sorts earlier."

Cal sighs and brushes some invisible dirt off his thigh. "That's the thing... I don't know what's going on. She's been acting different though. Classic me started spiralling and thinking she was done with my ass but when I brought it up she was adamant that I wasn't doing anything wrong. And I know she's not the type to lie about that. She always lets me know when I need to smarten up. But I still can't help but think..."

"Think what?" I urge him to continue when he pauses.

"I don't know." An awkward chuckle comes out of him. "I keep thinking about shit that Justin said... I'm wondering if maybe she's thinking about it too."

"What?" I frown and move away from his arm so that I can turn my body and look at him. "Which part? He said a lot of things."

"The part about not being able to just pretend it didn't happen... He's right, y'know. That was a huge period in my life, and I helped them with a lot of shady stuff. Now I'm raising a kid. Trying to teach her right and wrong and that there are consequences for stealing and hurting people... But who am I to tell her anything?"

"Cal—"

"A damn hypocrite, that's what I am. Justin made a good point. It's a miracle that I'm not dead, and I'm glad for that... but I should be in prison."

"Cal!" I whack his arm with the back of my hand but then I feel bad for my physical reaction and gently smooth my palm against the place where I hit him. "You've got to be kidding me. You think that your wife, who clearly adores you, wants you in prison? That's where your mind has been taking you lately?"

He runs a hand through his hair and forces out another awkward laugh. "Well, when you put it that way..." He rubs his face next and then explains softly, "I don't think she wants me in prison. I just think that maybe she's realizing I should be there. I'm a criminal, Emy. It doesn't matter that I'm going to church and living a nice and tidy life now. That doesn't erase what I've done. God may have forgiven me, but I don't think society does. Not without me doing time first. You get what I'm saying?"

I shake my head with a frown, resisting the urge to hit him again. "No, Cal, I don't get it. You're right about one thing though. You are spiralling. Fuck, man, get out of your head for once."

He gives me a sad smile. "Yah, you're probably right. I need to get to my own therapist soon. It'd probably do me some good."

"You should," I agree while shuffling my body to the edge of the swing. "I need another cigarette but I left the pack inside. Do you want one?"

Cal glances at his house but then nods his head. "Yah, I do. I should probably get going soon though. I told April I was coming over here tonight but if she wakes up I don't want her missing me."

I stand up from the swing and give him a pointed look. "You're worried about her missing you because you spend an hour out of your house at night, meanwhile, you're spouting off about how she might think you belong in prison?"

Cal laughs while figuratively swatting my words away. "Alright, you've made your point. Go get me a smoke."

"I'm serious though, Cal. Don't let anything that Justin said get to you. You know he didn't mean any of it."

"Yah, I know." The way he sighs and turns away to look out at the quiet street doesn't make his words very believable.

I want to press him on the matter but I'm not sure what else to say. Besides, giving him a minute and then continuing the conversation over a cigarette will probably go over better. Cal has always seemed to talk easier when he has something to keep his hands busy.

"I'll be right back, okay?"

He nods his head, and I slowly open the door and step inside.

I can't keep myself from looking over the back of the couch when I walk past it to head for the kitchen. Theo is on his side though, so I don't get a good look at him. I force myself to keep walking and keep my steps quiet while I cross the room.

Once I make it to the kitchen, I let out a sigh and pick up the pack of cigarettes from the counter. I'm not in a real hurry to get back.

I love Cal, and I'm glad that he's being open with me, but I don't have the answers that he's looking for. I can't even figure out the answers for my own relationship... or, lack of relationship. I'm probably the last person he should be going to for advice, and he should know that. The fuck do I know about April anyway? He's better off just talking to her about it.

Yes, that's exactly what he should do, and I'm going to tell him.

I walk back through the living room but my steps slow when I notice the front door is hanging open. Theo's no longer lying on the couch.

"Are you fucking serious?" Cal's voice, full of tension, comes through the open doorway.

My feet stop, and I stand in place a little ways from the opening.

"Do I have to be?" Theo replies in a low voice. He doesn't sound as riled up as Cal but I can tell that he's not impressed.

"For fuck sakes, man. I love April. You know this! I mean, yah, I love Emy too but that's different. April... she's it for me. I never loved Emy like this... I could never love anyone like this. Do I really have to explain that to you?"

"Okay, okay," Theo grumbles. "You're right. I know that."

"What the fuck?" Cal sounds a little more calm but still pissed off. "What is this really about?"

"Nothing," Theo answers quickly. "I'm just... playing the protective brother role."

"Oh yah? That's fucking it, then?" comes Cal's sarcastic reply.

"Yes. That's it," Theo says quietly.

"Pfft," Cal breathes out the sound like he's calling bullshit. "Fucking man up already. I can't believe you're being such a coward, Theo. At least fucking admit it to me."

"I don't know what you mean..." Theo answers after a brief moment of silence.

"You're so full of shit!" The shout comes from Cal just before Theo's body crashes into the open door, causing it to swing open further while he regains his balance.

"Cal!" I shout his name while I move forward to break up the fight, but thankfully it doesn't come to that.

Cal takes a step back and holds up his hands to signal that he's done. "Sorry, sorry." His eyes move from me to focus on Theo. "I'm stressing about some other stuff. I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"That's okay," Theo replies. I'm standing next to him now, and he takes my hand with ease when I blindly reach for his.

The slightest smile comes across Cal's face and then he looks over at his house. "I'm going to head in. Thanks for the chat, Emy. I'm thinking I need to talk to Ape about it though..." He looks back at us and adds, "And you two need to talk about your own shit. I have no idea what's going on but my bet is that you're both being stupid. Fix it." With that, he walks down the porch steps to head back home.

Theo gently squeezes my fingers while he guides me farther into the house and then he closes the door after us.

"What was that all about?" I ask him while searching his dark brown eyes.

He shrugs and looks away from me. "Nothing. I was just... It was nothing."

I frown and pull my hand away from him. "Fine. I guess I'll see you tomorrow." I begin walking to the staircase but Theo's voice stops me.

"I know you want more from me. And believe me, I am dying to take you up on that. But what I told you in the beginning... Those values are really important to me."

I slowly turn around to look at him. Are we finally going to have this conversation?

Theo walks toward the couch and leans against the back of it so that he's facing where I'm standing near the stairs. He takes a deep breath before he starts talking. "Ben was such a good guy. He was always putting me back on the path when I was straying. And he did it in a way that showed that he cared and that he wasn't just being a self-righteous jerk, you know?

"I think I was probably an alcoholic before the accident... But at least I was a functioning one. But after Ben died, that's when it got out of hand. Along with the painkillers." He looks down at the floor and smooths his hand over the fabric at the top of the couch.

"I was sleeping around before then. Megan and I dated in high school but I broke up with her before we graduated. I didn't want to be tied down when I was that young. I liked the freedom of being single and not having to commit to anyone or answer to them. But then Ben and April got serious. They got married, and April got pregnant, and as I've told you before, I started feeling left behind or like it was about time that I grew up too."

He sighs and seems to force himself to look up from the floor to meet my eyes. "I started dating Megan again. She and April had always been good friends, so the two of us stayed in touch after we graduated, and she was never a bitch about how I had abruptly ended things. And well, I guess it was pretty serious between us... Or, at least, I let her believe that it was, and I tried to convince myself too. She's a great girl, and it just made sense that if I was going to settle down, it should be with her."

I don't want to hear this. I had already hated knowing that Theo had sex with Megan, and now I'm finding out that he had also planned to settle down with her. I want to tell him to stop talking but I know that won't get us anywhere, so I keep my mouth closed and lower myself onto one of the steps behind me.

"But then the accident happened," he continues. His voice is a little quieter now. "Megan was by my side in the hospital through the worst of it, waiting to see if her boyfriend would die the same way that her friend had. Instead, I eventually limped out of there... only to break up with her a few days later."

Ouch. As much as I hate the idea of Megan and Theo being together, I feel for the woman as I listen to Theo recount the story of what happened between them.

He folds his hands in front of him and winces as if the memory hurts him too. "I knew I didn't love her, and I wasn't any good for her. All I wanted to do was get drunk, and pop pills, and then, once I physically healed some more, I wanted to fuck any woman that wasn't repulsed by my limp or my sewn-up body. I was more out of control than I had ever been, but this time around I didn't have Ben to pull me out of it. So instead, April had to do it...

"Her husband was dead. She was about to have a baby. I should have been the one holding her together but I was too caught up in my own misery and guilt. I was pushing everyone away and praying for an early grave, and then April smacked some sense into me. She said, "It wasn't your fault, Theo. I will never blame you for my child not having the chance to know their father, but I will blame you if my child doesn't get the chance to know their uncle, and I won't let them know this version of you.""

There are tears in his eyes now but there's also a small smile on his face. He scratches his beard and clears his throat before he says anything else.

"And that's what changed it all for me. That's why I need to be the best person that I can be. But now, it's not just because of Ben or for April and Emily. Maybe it started out being for them but it's become so much more than that. It's worked a peace in my life that I didn't have before. The type of peace I always envied Ben for having because I just didn't get it. But I do get it now. Making the hard choices, doing my best to stay on the path that I hear about every Sunday... It's what keeps me going, Milia.

"So even though every ounce of my body is begging me to throw that to the wind and to give in to all the lustful thoughts I have for you... I can't. And it's not because you're bad or that you'd be bad for me. I think you're so good for me. I want to be good for you."

I stare at him while I push myself onto my feet, knowing that I can't stay away from him any longer. I close the distance between us and carefully press a hand against his chest, smoothing out a wrinkle in his t-shirt while I try to come up with the right thing to say. "So what you're saying is..." I lift my eyes to meet his with a small, teasing smirk on my lips. "You want to be my good boy?"

"Yes," he breathes out his answer without a hint of his own teasing. "I want to be everything for you."

"Theo..." My hand slips up his body to grip his shoulder while I press onto my tiptoes, and he dips his head to meet me halfway.

Our mouths dance together like long-lost lovers, and Theo pulls me closer with his hands on my waist to hold me tightly against himself.

"I've been missing you so much, Princess," he murmurs against my lips before he continues to kiss me.

I smile against his mouth. "I've been right here."

"No." He shakes his head to disagree. "You haven't been in my arms. You haven't slept next to me. I haven't felt your sweet lips against mine in what feels like a lifetime. I haven't even seen your stunning smile or heard your musical laugh. You weren't here at all."

My fingers stroke through his beard while I listen to him talk, and I bite my lip and nod afterwards because I know exactly what he means. "I missed you too," I whisper as my eyes begin to burn with threatening tears.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I didn't know how to talk about it. I didn't know if you wanted to hear it. I'm still not sure if my explanation makes sense to you... But you have to know that I want you." His hands come up from my waist to hold my face, and he tips my head back to ensure that I'm looking directly into his eyes. "You know, right? You know how badly I want you?"

There's that little piece of doubt still lingering in the back of my mind but I don't dare to tell him about it. I nod instead, and when Theo's serious expression turns into a delighted smile, I giggle and ask, "So should we just get married tonight or something?"

He chuckles and gently brushes his lips against mine. "You don't understand how many times I've thought about asking you that already."

"Yes." The word falls out of my mouth without a second of needing to think about it. "Yes. Let's go, right now."

Theo starts to laugh, and I realize belatedly that he hadn't actually been asking me. I try to keep my face from falling but Theo sees the subtle change in my expression, and his laughter abruptly ends.

"Emilia..." He speaks my name softly while stroking the side of my face. "We haven't even known each other for a full month yet. Marriage isn't something that you rush into."

I nod and try my best to give him a convincing smile. "No, yeah, of course. I know you don't want to actually marry me." I press closer to him and try to kiss him again, hoping to move on from this awkward conversation, but Theo doesn't let it happen.

He catches my chin to keep our eyes locked, and a frown settles over his face when he finds the vulnerability in mine. "No. Don't think like that. Of course I want to marry you. We both know that I'm in love with you, Emilia. I just—"

"What?" I squeak the word out before the air around us seems to whoosh out of the room.

He hesitates, so briefly that it's almost unnoticeable, but I do notice, and then he answers, "I said that I do want to marry you, but—"

"No," I interrupt him again. "The other part."

He hesitates again. He studies my face and nervously licks his lips, and then he looks into my eyes and gives me the sweetest smile. "I love you. I'm in love with you."

I think my legs are going to give out, and I'm certain that my heart momentarily stops beating only to kickstart itself into pumping twice as fast. If he wasn't holding onto me, I'd surely melt into a puddle on the floor right now.

"You do?" The pathetic question trickles out of me in the softest voice. I need to hear him say it again.

"I really do." He kisses the corner of my mouth. "I love you, Milia. I sort of thought it was obvious."

I shake my head. "Not to me."

"Well, I guess I'll have to work on that then. I don't want there to be any questions about it, especially not from you."

I giggle and then I'm gripping his face in my hands and trying to climb up his body to get closer to him.

Theo bends his knees to grip my thighs and lifts me off the ground. While our mouths and tongues become reacquainted, he circles the couch to sit down on it with me.

We can't get enough. Our hands roam over each other's bodies as our mouths move together, making up for lost time and physically expressing the love we have for one another.

When we're forced to come up for air, we both smile widely at one another.

"Marry me." The words spill out of my mouth way too quickly. "You love me. Isn't that all that matters? I don't think it's considered rushing then, is it?"

His smile slowly turns into a sympathetic frown. "Milia, Princess... It's not that simple." He reaches up to touch my face and then gently curls a lock of my hair around his finger. "A marriage between two people that have different beliefs... Besides, we still have a lot to learn about each other. You understand, right?"

"Right." I nod along and lean forward to tuck my face against his neck. "I know that, Theodore. I was just getting carried away for a second there but of course. You're right."

He strokes a hand down my back and kisses the top of my head. "I'm glad you understand, sweetheart. The last thing I want to do is hurt you."

I nod again and cuddle closer to him.

Theo says he loves me, and that's what I'm choosing to focus on... But despite what I told him, I don't really understand why we can't get married.

Actually, I don't understand at all. And as happy as I am right now, somewhere deep down, it does hurt.