"Oh, Theo. What we just did... You're still a virgin. Don't get me wrong, that was amazing. But it wasn't sex."

Theo doesn't look like he appreciates my patronizing comment. "I know that."

"Wait. So..." I sit up and move my feet to the floor. "You're telling me that you've had sex before?"

He gives a short nod. "That's what I'm telling you." He begins walking to the staircase.

"Theo!" There's no way that he thinks he's walking away after dropping that bomb on me. "Why the fuck did you tell me that you're a virgin?"

He stops walking and turns back to look at me, an uncomfortable expression of regret on his face. "I didn't tell you... You just assumed, and I didn't correct you." He frowns and scratches his beard. "I'm sorry for that dishonesty. It just—"

"If you're not a virgin then why the fuck are you not balls deep inside of me right now?!"

Theo groans and runs a hand over his face.

My anger fizzes out into the real issue that's eating away at me—my insecurity. My eyes drop to the floor. "You don't want me."

The soft words have barely left my mouth, and then Theo is standing in front of me. He drops to his knees and holds my face in his hands, forcing me to meet his eyes.

"I want you," he says emphatically. His lips connect with mine and the passion in the kiss does everything to show me just how true his words are. "I want you," he says again. "I want you more than I've ever wanted anything."

He leans in to kiss me again, and when he pulls back his eyes search mine with a pained expression. "And that's why I can't have you, Emilia... Not like this."

"That doesn't make any fucking sense!" I push on his shoulders to move him away from me and stand up from the couch. "You are so full of shit, Theo. Why won't you just tell me why you won't have sex with me?"

"I have told you. I don't have sex—"

"Except, you just told me that you do!"

"No." He shakes his head while slowly moving off of his knees to stand up again. "I have... I did. But I don't anymore. I haven't in a while. So even though I want you, I..."

He drifts off when I walk out of the room, heading down the hallway to the bathroom.

"Milia, wait," he calls out while he comes after me. "We should talk about this. I—"

"Leave me alone!" The bathroom door slams behind me, and Theo doesn't finish his sentence—at least not loud enough for me to hear it.

"Milia..." There's a soft knock on the door, followed by his voice which carries an exhausted tone. "I'm going to shower upstairs and go to work. Give us some time to cool off... but we're going to talk about this. I mean it. Cal said you have my number now? Please send me a message or give me a call if you're ready to talk before I'm home."

I hold my fist against my mouth to keep myself from replying. Somewhere along my way to the bathroom, I started crying. I can't even manage to explain to myself why. I don't want to have to come up with an explanation for Theo.

"Even if you're not ready to talk about this... Feel free to message me or call me about anything else too, okay? I'll be thinking about you."

He seems to be waiting for me to say something but I still can't allow myself to reply.

I hear his footsteps carrying him back down the hallway a moment later.

He's probably wondering if he'll ever manage to leave for the day without feeling like he owes me an explanation first. And I wonder how many more times he'll think it's worth putting up with...

----------

I wasn't in the mood to practice driving, and I was going to tell Cal that when he came by to pick me up. And yet, I'm still disappointed when he texts me around noon to say that he won't be coming later.

My mind has already been reeling about Theo all day, and now I have a dozen questions running through my head about Cal too.

Is April okay?
Was she upset about last night?
Did Theo tell him off?
Did Cal decide on his own that we need space?

And do I even care about any of these answers or am I just trying to distract myself from what's really bothering me?

I tried to read some more today but my brain couldn't process the words on the page. I did some laundry. I went on a walk in the rain. I smoked way more than I should have, and I spent a ridiculous amount of time staring blankly at a wall.

Eventually, I sit on the couch and pick up the notebook from the coffee table to start reading through Theo's extensive list. He included names, phone numbers, addresses and a list of credentials and "specialties" for each option. A few of the names have stars next to them, and I assume those are the ones he thought would be the best fit.

I pick up my phone to start looking into the starred names but I pause when the front door opens.

Theo walks in. He's drenched from the rain and his clothes are caked in mud.

"Hi," he greets while leaning down to untie his steel-toed boots. He rolls up his muddy pants while he's bent over, then slips his feet out and tosses the boots onto the front porch.

"You're home early," I comment awkwardly while I look at the time on my phone. It's not yet four.

Theo hesitates at the door. "You want me to leave again?"

"No," I answer quickly while I stand up from the couch. "I was just saying."

His shoulders relax but he still seems a little on edge when I walk toward him.

"It was a mud pit out there today. Kind of a waste of time and gas driving to the site but I got a little done so maybe not a total waste. With Owen out of commission, I can't really afford to take rain days off completely so it's good that I worked for a bit."

It's not like Theo to babble and make small talk. I appreciate that he's attempting to talk to me about something but I'm a little annoyed that he's skirting around the real issue between us.

"I'm going to take a shower to get this mud off and warm up a bit and then I'll be right down."

I'm within reaching distance of him now and he steps toward me to place a kiss on my cheek. "It's good to see you."

"Mhmm," I agree with a tense smile, and Theo strokes his beard with a small frown while he steps back from me again.

He looks like he's going to say more but decides against it and retreats upstairs, and I sigh to myself and walk back to the couch.

When Theo comes back downstairs a little later he's freshly showered and dressed in black jeans and a collared shirt. "Have you thought about what you want to eat for dinner? I have a couple of places in mind for where to go but I'm not set on any one place."

I look down at the leggings and baggy t-shirt that once belonged to Cal that I'm wearing. "I didn't realize we were going for dinner..."

"Oh," Theo says with a confused expression. "I thought I said this morning that—"

"Well, a lot happened after that too, Theo. I don't want to go out with you right now," I snap the words with a little more hostility than intended, and Theo's face falls before he nods.

"Right. I shouldn't have assumed." He keeps his voice calm and offers me another smile before turning around to walk to the kitchen.

I follow after him a few minutes later and find him taking some vegetables out of the fridge. "What are you doing?"

"Umm," he says with a soft chuckle. "I haven't figured it out yet. I'm going to start making dinner but I don't know what exactly I'm going to make."

I never thought the idea of someone making me dinner would be so damn irritating. Though really, it's not him making dinner that's bothering me... It's that he still hasn't brought up the point of tension between us.

"What about soup?" he suggests, "I make a mean loaded potato soup."

That does sound good, especially after having walked in the rain earlier. "Okay."

He smiles at me and then begins to chop up an onion.

"I've been thinking, with Owen off work for a few weeks, or however long his ankle takes to heal, I may need to hire another guy. I've been wanting to expand the company for a while anyway so now may be a good time to do it."

I pull up a stool by the kitchen island and take a seat. How long is he going to keep talking about work instead of talking about this morning?

Theo looks up at me as if he's waiting for me to contribute to the conversation but when I just stare back at him with a blank expression he walks to the refrigerator and takes out a pack of bacon. He carries it to the counter and does a quick job of chopping it up and then washes his hands in the sink.

"The contractor we're doing the job out of town for has a plan to build some cottages even further up North," he starts to explain while he adds the cut-up bacon to a pan on the stove. "He asked if I'd be interested, and I told him I'd have to think about it. But, if I hired some more guys soon, it'd be a tempting project to take on."

He looks at me again while taking a bag of potatoes out of the pantry. "Have you ever been up north in the Algonquin area?"

I shake my head.

"That's where April and I are originally from." He begins to peel a potato. "Well, not quite that far up north but still, a decent trek from here. We moved to this area a bit before high school with our parents but since then they've moved back. We go to visit every once in a while but—"

"For fucks sake, Theo!" I slam my hands down against the top of the island counter. "You're really going to just talk about work and where you're from? You're not going to talk about this morning?"

He slowly sets down the potato peeler and turns around to look at me. "Of course, I'll talk about it. Whenever you want to talk about it. I didn't realize you wanted to now."

Well, when he puts it that way... I don't know where to start.

He continues to look at me expectantly but when I don't say anything he turns back around and begins to peel potatoes again.

I glare at his back and then say the single word that has probably been upsetting me the most about all of this. "Who?"

"Hmm?" comes his quiet and awkward reply.

"Who was she?" I nearly shout at him. "Who was the lucky bitch you let your holy cock into?"

He sighs and turns around again to look at me. "Do you really want to know the answer to that?"

"It was Megan!" I point an accusing finger at him. "I know it was fucking Megan!"

He doesn't reply. He just looks at me with no expression while he leans back against the counter.

"Say it, Theo!" I demand. "Tell me how you fucked her!"

He sighs and gives a slight shake of his head before mumbling, "I've had sex with Megan..."

I knew it. I realized earlier today when I was thinking about everything. I remembered the conversation between Emily and her friend on Sunday about how Theo and Megan had dated each other and I put the pieces together. But still, hearing him say it out loud makes it all the more real.

"And what," I ask while crossing my arms over my chest, "She was just so awful that you vowed to never have sex with someone again?"

He grimaces, and his eyes drop down to the floor. "I've had sex with other women..."

"What?"

"I've had sex with—"

"I fucking heard you the first time!" My heart is thundering in my chest, each beat coming out in a one-two punch of pure jealousy. "How many?"

"Milia..." He says my name softly while looking at me with a pleading expression. "Does it really make a difference?"

"How many, Theo? How many bitches did you pump your cock into before you decided to become fucking celibate?"

"You want an exact number, or..."

"Holy fuck, it's that many?"

Another awkward grimace crosses his face. "I, uh, got around, yeah..."

"What the fuck? What. The. Fuck?" I start to leave the room but don't get far before I'm spinning around and walking up to him. My pointer finger thumps him in the chest. "Fuck me, Theo."

He reaches up and gently strokes my hair. "I'm not going to fuck you..." he whispers while stroking my hair again.

Those crass words coming from his mouth make my stomach flip, and when he adds, "But I do hope to make deliberate, passionate love to you one day, princess..." I almost melt.

He leans down to brush his lips against mine, and I want to fucking climb him to get closer... but then the idea of all those other women climbing him sneaks into my mind, and I push on his shoulders to take a step back.

"Why "one day"? Why not now?" I ask in a voice that is somewhere between an angry shout and a desperate plea.

"Emilia, this doesn't change anything about what I've said before. I can't change the past but I can—"

He stops when my open palm connects with his cheek, and I gasp when I realize what I've done.

"Shit! Theo, I'm so sorry," I quickly apologize.

"Yeah... That's not going to make me sleep with you," he mutters.

There's a dark expression on his face, and though I tell myself not to do it, and that it will only make me look manipulative, I begin to cry.

"Milia," Theo says my name soothingly while pulling me against his chest. "Frick, sweetheart, come on. There's no need to cry."

"I can't believe I hit you. Again. I know how much you hate that, and I hate it too. I didn't even mean to. I'm just..." I press my face against his t-shirt to muffle my frustrated scream, and Theo's hands smooth up my back to massage my shoulders.

"Come with me, okay?" He gently moves me away from his chest and takes my hand while using his other hand to turn off the stove.

He leads me down the hallway that runs along the staircase. We walk past the bathroom to the very end of the hall, and Theo opens a door that's positioned beneath the staircase, revealing another set of stairs that goes down to the basement.

When we reach the bottom of the stairs, Theo flicks on a light.

It's an unfinished basement but not dirty, save for a small layer of dust. The floorboards above us are exposed and the interior walls don't have any drywall in place. Hanging from the ceiling is a faded red punching bag.

"I thought about this before... The last time you took a swing at me, but it slipped my mind since then," Theo explains while he walks to a low, wooden bookshelf. He picks up a pair of boxing gloves from it and carries them back to me.

"I can get you a pair of gloves that fit you better if you're interested," he says while helping me maneuver my hands into the gloves. "These used to be April's so they're smaller than mine, but you'd be better off with a pair that fits you well."

"Let me guess. I'm supposed to take my anger out on this punching bag instead of you?" I roll my eyes at him while he pulls the velcro on the gloves to secure them around my wrists as tightly as he can manage.

"Don't knock it until you try it," he replies with a gentle smile.

"I have a better idea... You fuck the anger out of me. I promise, it'll calm me right down. I'll be your good girl again before you can even say the words to me."

He swallows back hard, and I feel a small glimpse of self-satisfaction that I'm getting to him, but then he leans down to my ear and murmurs, "You are still my good girl, Princess. Even good girls get a little bratty sometimes."

His beard brushes against my cheek, and I breathe in the fresh scent of his freshly showered, warm skin.

"I'm going to show you how to throw a proper punch and then I'm going to go back upstairs and finish making dinner," he explains while walking closer to the punching bag and gesturing for me to follow. "You can come up to join me whenever you feel ready to be around me without trying to hit me again."

"If you would just—"

"Milia," he interrupts me with a scolding voice, correctly guessing what I was going to say. "Stop."

I huff and resist the urge to try out my boxing gloves on Theo's body.

"I know how to throw a punch. You don't have to show me," I explain while stepping in between him and the punching bag. I keep my back toward him when I add, "You can go ahead and go back upstairs."

"Are you sure? Because I don't want you to hurt yourself, and—"

He stops talking momentarily when I begin to throw punches but then raises his voice to be heard over my gloved fists making contact with the stuffed bag. "Don't hurt yourself, Milia, and don't overdo it. This is supposed to be good for you but if you can't handle it then it's not happening again."

"Yes, Daddy," I comment dryly while rolling my eyes.

I expect a lecturing comment in return but when I'm met with silence, I slow my punches and look back at him.

His brown eyes hold mine. "Good girl," he says affectionately, and if I didn't know better I'd think he was trying to seduce me. "I'll see you soon."

I watch him walk back up the stairs, and I wait for him to close the door before turning back to the punching bag and uselessly trying to work out my sexual frustrations and hurt feelings of inadequacy.