"What?" Cal spits out the question, immediately looking outraged. "I'm not stepping out on April. Why would you—" He stops mid-sentence and rubs the back of his neck. "Oh... Fuck!"

"Yeah, good luck denying it, Cal. I heard the whole damn thing," I tell him as I walk up the porch steps to stand in front of him.

I can't figure out if I'm angry on April's behalf, or if I'm just jealous that he's cheating on her with someone other than me.

Though, when I made the comment about being "right here" if he was going to step out on his wife, it left a rotten taste in my mouth.

I love Cal. I want Cal. But given the chance, would I really want him like that?

"No, Emy, it's not... It's really not like that. Half of what you heard was just me joking around. Melissa is—"

"How stupid do you think I am, Cal? I know I ignored all your bullshit when we were together and let you get away with everything, but I wasn't completely stupid then either!"

"I don't think you're stupid, Emy. Not now or then, but Melissa—"

"Save it, Cal!" I try to move past him but he blocks me with his arm.

"No! Wait! Just fucking listen to me!"

He grabs at my forearm to keep me from moving past him and my feet stumble backwards to put space between us, just as the door behind him swings open.

"You good out here?" Theo's voice booms from behind Cal, though he isn't quite yelling.

I look over Cal's shoulder to meet his eyes, as Cal answers him in a low growl. "I'm good."

Theo takes a step forward and rests a hand on Cal's shoulder. "Glad to hear, man. But I wasn't asking you." He pulls back on his shoulder, forcing him to take a small step back from me. His eyes haven't left mine. "Milia, are you good?"

I now recognize the look in his eyes as concern rather than pity, but it still rubs me the wrong way. Just yesterday he was acting like I was a threat to Cal, and now what? He's trying to save me from him?

"I'm fine, Theo," I say the words in a similar way to Cal's growl.

I was with Cal for years and he never physically hurt me—not badly, not on purpose. I'm not afraid of him, and I don't need someone to rescue me from him. Considering Theo apparently knows so much about our history together, he should know that.

Theo nods slowly and squeezes Cal's shoulder. "Okay. I'll go back inside then?"

"Go ahead," I say at the same time as Cal speaks.

"Wait! Theo, tell Emy who Melissa is, would ya?"

Theo lifts an eyebrow and finally takes his eyes off me to look at Cal. "Okay..." he says slowly like he's waiting for Cal to change his mind. When Cal doesn't say anything else, he looks back at me. "Melissa is Cal's therapist."

I know I must look shocked, because Theo gives me a gentle smile and then pats Cal's shoulder. "Okay, I'm going inside now." He looks at me one more time and then turns around to enter the house again.

Cal seems unsure of what to say now. He cracks his knuckles and stares down at his feet, then looks up at me again. "You believe your new pal Theo at least, don't you?"

I cross my arms over my chest. "You're sleeping with your therapist? There's gotta be laws—"

"For fucks sake, Emy, I'm not sleeping with her! I was supposed to go see her tonight, but I'm going to an AA meeting instead. I've been seeing Melissa—as my therapist—for a while now. She's the one who diagnosed me."

He pauses and glances at me to gauge my reaction, or to give me a minute to reply, but I'm not sure what to say.

He looks away and continues, "All that "Will you be okay without me?" talk was just me being a tool, joking around. I was just trying to show her that I was okay. She knows I'm joking. Fuck, she's probably writing notes about it now, so she can circle back to it the next time I see her and make me analyze it all. She'll probably relate it back to me using sex to cope or some bullshit..." He chuckles awkwardly and wrings his hands together. "Look at me, psychoanalyzing myself... Maybe I don't need her anymore. Ha... ha..." He stares off across the street when he finishes talking as if he's afraid to look at me, almost as if he's nervous about my reaction.

And to be fair, it takes me a minute to figure out how to react.

Cal's in therapy.

It makes a lot of sense, but it's still so hard to wrap my head around. This is the guy who refused to acknowledge that he had been sexually abused, even after vaguely admitting it to me.

Does he talk about it with Melissa? Can he think about it without locking himself in a bathroom and throwing up? Can he be reminded of it and not have to drink himself into a slurring mess?

Or does he still pretend that it didn't happen? Maybe he only talks to Melissa about his other problems. God knows he has a long list of past mistakes that might haunt him.

I know better than to ask, but something else that he said sticks out to me. "She helped diagnose you... ?"

Is this where he tells me that his Jekyll and Hyde character really was a multiple personality disorder?

"Uhh, yeah," he says without looking at me. He walks to the edge of the porch and leans his back against the railing. "BPD." He looks down at his feet while he says it, but then glances up at me.

"Does that stand for Bipolar Disorder?" I ask carefully, hoping he doesn't get angry at me for asking too many questions.

He shakes his head. "No, but they're confused with each other sometimes. It's Borderline Personality Disorder. I guess they're similar in that they both involve mood swings and impulse control issues." He shrugs and then begins to crack his knuckles again. "Two different things though."

"Oh."

"Yeah..." He looks out at the road again. "At least I have an excuse for being such an asshole, right?"

"Right..."

He smirks and shakes his head as he turns to look at me. "That was a joke, Emy. It's not an excuse. I really am sorry for all the shit I put you through. Melissa explained it was my way of dealing with my fear of abandonment... You know, clinging to people, while simultaneously convincing myself they were going to leave anyway, and so, trying to push them away... Or fuck, I don't know, she explained it better. But anyway, it wasn't okay for me to do that to you. I'm sorry."

"That's okay."

"No!" He cuts a hand through the air like he's swatting my words away. "Fuck. It wasn't okay. It's not okay. Whether there's a label put on it or not, I'm still accountable for my actions. If it was okay, I wouldn't be apologizing." His words come out with a frustrated tone, but he takes a deep breath after and opens his clenched hands, stretching out his fingers. "Sorry, I... Angry outbursts are another part of it. I basically have the emotional regulation of a toddler."

I'm surprised by his description. "Your therapist told you that?"

"No. Well, yeah, sort of. Not quite in those words, but basically." He places his hands on the railing behind him and drums his fingers against the wood. "It's one of the things Melissa is helping me with. I swear I was doing better before..." He drifts off, so I finish his sentence for him.

"Before I showed up."

He nods slowly. "Yah..."

"Sorry."

Cal frowns and shakes his head. "You don't have to be sorry, Emy. I wasn't lying yesterday, I'm glad you're here. Yeah, it's fucking with my head a bit, but that's not your fault. And it's not really a bad thing. I can go to all therapy in the world, but if I can't manage myself when life throws a curve ball, then what's the point?"

I am Cal's curve ball.

I used to be his safe place. Now I'm the person thrown at him to test out his new coping strategies. He used to use me to cope. Now he needs to figure out how to cope around me...

The realization crumbles another piece of my aching heart.

"So you're better now?" I ask in a quiet voice, "Or, you were, before I came back?"

He shrugs again. "Depends on your definition of better. It's not really something that can be cured. There isn't even really medication for BPD... though I'm on antidepressants... Was on antipsychotics..." He murmurs the second part quickly, then carries on, "It's mostly just therapy, learning how to combat my own thoughts... Staying sober helps too... and learning strategies to help deal with my BPD helps keep me sober. How's that for full circle?"

He still seems unable to look at me for more than a couple of seconds at a time, but I don't take it personally. I'm just amazed that he's willing to talk to me about it at all.

I move closer to him and lightly touch one of his hands that's resting on the railing. "I forgive you," I tell him in a soft voice. "Earlier, you apologized for how things were between us. When I said that it was okay, what I meant is that I forgive you."

The words are barely out of my mouth before Cal's arms are around me. He holds me tightly and kisses the top of my head, and I feel myself melting into his embrace.

"Thank you, Emy," he whispers into my hair. "I still feel like shit for it all... Melissa keeps telling me I can't beat myself up for my past mistakes, but they're always eating away at me... I've asked God to forgive me, and y'know, I think He has, but I still felt like I couldn't move past it... Your forgiveness means so much."

I frown at his words and take a small step back, without completely leaving the security of his arms. "You actually believe all that?" I ask skeptically.

"Believe what? That I shouldn't beat myself up over—"

"No," I interrupt him, "All that God stuff. You in therapy, I get, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around Cal Jones' sudden faith in God."

He searches my face with a frown of his own and nods slowly. "Yah, I believe in all that "God stuff". I always believed there was a God, Emy, I just used to think He hated me..."

I remember now. It was one of the conversations we had the night that I told him about my dream of a house with a picket fence and a porch swing. Funny how he managed to find my dream house, and apparently found God in the same place.

"What made you change your mind?"

He seems to be thinking about his answer, but then laughs softly and shrugs his shoulders. "You know, I'm not even sure. I don't think there was a single thing, or moment, that made it happen. I was so sure that He hated me and that I was destined for hell, and then one day, I suddenly found myself praying and... I don't know, it's hard to explain. I just, didn't feel that way anymore? I felt that—No, I knew that He cared."

"But how do you know that?"

Another shrug. "I just do, Emy. I just feel it, y'know? And thank God for that, because I honestly don't think I'd be here anymore if I didn't. Yah, the medication helps, and the therapy helps, AA and NA and whatever other group therapies I've been to help too. April, Monster, Theo, they're amazingly helpful and supportive, and I want to be better for them, but God? Knowing He's there, that Jesus is like "It's okay, brother, I got you. I see your brokenness and I am making you whole." That, Emy, that's..." His voice cracks on the last word.

There are unshed tears in his eyes, and he removes an arm from around me to press his fist into his mouth. He slowly smiles from behind it, then puts his arm back around me to pull me closer again. He takes a deep breath and exhales shakily, reining in his emotions.

"That's the real deal, Emy," he says in a quiet whisper, "That's the real motivation to live better, to keep going, to leave the past behind you. I hope you're able to understand that one day."

I wouldn't hope too hard, Cal.

I'm glad that his new faith in God, or new perspective on Him, is helping him to work through his demons. But Theo was wrong earlier today.

I won't be drinking the Kool-aid any time soon. Not ever.

Author's Note: I really struggled with this chapter and all the intense topics in it. I want to take some time here to put some things out there.

1. I am not an expert on BPD.

The way it's presented in this chapter/book is based on what I've read and my experiences with people I know who are diagnosed with BPD.
If you or someone you know has a BPD diagnosis, I hope nothing I've written, or will write, comes across as insensitive or misleading. I know everyone's experiences and symptoms are different and that it is a very difficult diagnosis to live with and to understand.

2. There's a lot of "religious talk" in this chapter/book.

If it's not already obvious, religion is a big part of the lives of some of the characters, so it's going to be talked about. 

I know that's a turn off for some, but I ask that you keep any hateful comments on the matter to yourself. I don't expect everyone to agree, I don't expect this book to change your mind either, but I'd prefer the comment section to not become a place for theological debates.

That being said, my DMs are always open! Feel free to send me any questions, and I'll try my best to answer.

And whether you're for or against religion, I hope this story continues to hold your interest. I promise the chapters won't always be so intense.

I can't thank you all enough for reading! ❤️

Who's ready for some more Friendly Giant content? 😘