I wake up drenched in sweat with tears running down my face.

I sit up in the unfamiliar bed and wipe my face with my hands. It takes me a moment to remember where I am.

My eyes roam to the upholstered, accent chair that Cal had sat in. It's empty now, and once again pushed into the corner of the room instead of close to the bed.

The small amount of comfort I had felt with Cal watching over me as I fell asleep is gone. As I sit, shivering in this lonely bed, and staring at the empty chair in the corner, I feel more alone than ever.

Once again, Cal has left me. But this time it wan't because he thought I left first.

No, this time it was to go sleep next to his wife.

At least he kept the light on...

I look around the room for my backpack and slip out of bed to retrieve my phone. It's been days since I've turned it on, but there's no clock in this damn room, and I want to know what time it is.

I sit on the edge of the mattress and power it on. The alerts of missed calls and text messages start flooding in. I don't have to listen to them to know who they're mostly from.

Justin.

I open our texting conversation which has unread messages dating back to the day I packed a bag and left. The few times I've turned on my phone since then, I didn't bother reading them.

Justin: Im so sorry Lia. I know I fucked up. I should have respected your no and left it at that. I didn't mean for any of that to go down the way it did
Justin: I was high ok. I didn't know what I was doing. I know that doesn't make it ok but you gotta forgive me
Justin: please Lia. Come home. I need you. We can fix this

He's wrong. There is no way we can ever fix what happened. No one can.

I can't read any more of this. Tears well up in my eyes and my hands shake as I delete the text messages without reading the rest of what he's sent me. I clear my voice mailbox next, and then I do what I should have done a long time ago.

I block Justin's number.

My phone reads that it's 1:16 a.m.

I only have two other messages on my phone, so I take a minute to check each one.

Adam: I'm worried about you. I know you hate me, but could you at least let me know if you're okay?

Fuck you, Adam.

I block his number too.

Marissa: Did you find him???? It was so good to see you, Amelia jk jk Emilia. Tell Cal we say hi if you end up finding him and please let us know. Either way your always welcome back here. So is he. Ricky meant it when he said he forgave him. Don't be a stranger

Her message causes a small smile on my face, but it doesn't last. How can I admit to her that I found him, but that he's married?

I can barely admit it to myself.

Without replying to her, I power down my phone again.

I stand up from the bed and retrieve a pair of leggings from my bag. Once I've stepped into them, I pick up my pack of cigarettes and quietly make my way out of the bedroom and down the hallway to the staircase.

I slip my shoes on by the front door and then notice my mouth feels disgusting. The lingering flavours of salt and onion from my late night snack have left behind a foul taste and a dry feeling. After my cigarette I'm going to have to brush my teeth for a solid ten minutes, but for now, I head to the kitchen to get a drink of water.

The room is faintly lit with the warm glow of the light above the stove. I open a couple of different cupboards in search of a glass, shutting each one carefully so that I don't make a sound. The last thing I want right now is to wake someone up. I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone, including Cal.

I find a glass and fill it with water from the tap. As I drink, I wander to the fridge and observe the pictures hung up with colourful, alphabet letter magnets.

There are a couple formal looking pictures of Emily. I assume they're from her school. There's also a picture of a man holding a baby. That must be Emily's dad.

I reach for the picture and pull it off the fridge to get a closer look.

I find myself looking at a younger version of a beardless Theo. He's smiling down at the baby in his arms, and he looks so happy and carefree that I barely recognize him. There's something off about his face. It's not the lack of hair, or his wide smile, either. It's something else, but I can't quite figure it out.

I hear footsteps coming down the stairs and I hastily hang the picture back on the fridge.

I finish the remainder of the water in my glass and set it on the counter by the sink, then pick up my pack of cigarettes and cross the kitchen to walk back into the living room.

As I step out, I see Cal walking to the couch. He's dressed only in a pair of black boxer briefs, and I can't help myself from taking a minute to appreciate the view.

Fuck, he's aged well. He's still full of muscle, but he's put on a few pounds. It's not enough to be that noticeable when he's fully clothed, but it's obvious to me now. The extra weight looks good on him, though. Healthy, even.

I guess that's what happens to a man when he stops snorting lines for breakfast.

I watch him as he takes a seat on the couch, but he doesn't notice me. He places his elbows on his knees and drops his face into his hands.

I'm about to step out of the shadows and let him know that I'm awake too, but then I hear the sound of a muffled sob.

Holy shit. Is he crying?

I freeze in my place, not daring to move a muscle. Cal never responded well to being caught feeling any big emotions, and I have my suspicions that hasn't changed. It's probably safest to leave him alone, so that he can get it out. If I go in there now, he'll only shove it down, or worse, turn into a snarky asshole and push me away.

I hear footsteps coming down the stairs again.

I watch, from my hidden spot in the shadows, as April enters the room. She's dressed in a short, silky nightgown, coloured a deep, scarlet red. Her massive tits barely have room behind the skimpy fabric, and I'm astonished that the thin straps are even managing to keep the nightgown on her curvy body. It's a far cry from the unflattering denim dress that she wore earlier.

I've decided, in this moment, that I'm a big fan of that ugly denim dress, after all.

"Cal?" April says his name softly while she walks toward him.

Oh April, why?

You'd think as his wife she'd know when Cal needs time alone, but apparently not.

Cal sniffs and moves his hands from over his face to look at her. "Hey love. Sorry, did I wake you? I just..." he stops talking and helplessly shrugs his shoulders as April sits down next to him.

"Are you okay?" she asks. She places a hand on his back and smooths it up and down. "Because, you know, it's okay if you're not."

Cal nods his head. "Yeah, I'm okay," he answers, just as I knew he would.

But I'm utterly surprised, when he then continues, "I'm just so overwhelmed, Ape." His voice comes out with a shake in it, and he leans toward her and rests his head against her shoulder. His arms wrap around her, and he pulls her tightly to his body.

"I know, darling, and you have every right to be," she says in a soothing voice. Her hand continues to run up and down his back, and then she reaches up to brush her fingers through his hair. "It's a lot to take in. A lot to process."

"It's like I'm feeling every emotion at once," Cal explains to her, "They're all conflicting with each other and jockeying for position on top, and I can't decipher which ones I'm supposed to fight off and which ones I'm supposed to embrace and... and..."

April doesn't say anything, as if she's just patiently waiting for him to find his words. She angles her body toward him and lays her hands on his shoulders. She starts to massage them, while Cal moves his head from her shoulder to press his cheek against her chest.

"And I'm scared I'm going to slip up again..." he admits in a quiet voice, "That's half the reason I came down here. I was thinking about calling Theo. I shouldn't have skipped that meeting today. I'm sorry, baby. I know you're disappointed and-"

"Cal, no," April cuts him off, "You don't know I'm disappointed, because I'm not. I know why you didn't go, and I don't blame you. And as for what you're feeling, I don't think you need to fight off any of those emotions. Allow yourself to feel them. All of them. Give each one some time and attention and work through it. Do you want me to call Theo for you?"

Cal is quiet for a moment, then answers, "No, not now. It's late." He shifts over on the couch, moving his lower body further away from April, so that he's able to lay his head down in her lap.

April smiles down at him and moves her arm. I can't see his head anymore, but I imagine she's playing with his hair.

He always loved his hair being played with.

"You know he won't care how late it is," she answers him. "If you need him, Cal-"

"No, I think I'm okay... Now that you're with me. I'll talk to him tomorrow. The thing you said about not fighting any of the emotions off? That's probably what he would have told me too. You guys are scarily similar sometimes when it comes to advice."

April laughs softly. "Where do you think he learned?" She continues to smile down at him, then asks, "Do you want me to stay, or did you want to sort through it yourself?"

He wants you to leave, April.

"Stay," Cal answers, once again surprising me. "Unless you need to sleep?" he adds, "I'll be okay down here. Promise. I'll call Theo if things get too-"

"I'm staying, Cal." She puts her feet up on the coffee table and slouches down against the couch cushions, like she's getting comfortable for a long talk. "So, what's first? What is the first emotion that is trying to come out on top at this moment?"

"Right now? That'd probably be... Relief. Yeah, definitely relief."

"Well that sounds like a good one," April comments with a gentle smile. "What do you feel relieved about?"

"What I told you earlier," Cal replies, then specifies by adding, "I didn't kill him. He's alive."

April nods her head. "Yes, that's a big one. It changes a lot for you, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," Cal answers. He laughs weakly. "You know, I always wondered how the hell I got out of that jail cell. I was sitting there and I kept thinking, this is it. They've got me. I'm going to prison, and then the next thing I know they're telling me someone's coming to pick me up. And I was thinking, but I killed someone, how are you letting me go? It never made sense to me."

It didn't make sense to me either. I had often found myself wondering the same over the years.

"And now it does," April replies to him.

"Yeah... It's a real head trip, though. I've been thinking that I killed a man for eight years..." Cal's voice comes out thick with emotion.

"I know how much that weighed you down. I can understand why you would feel overwhelmed with relief to find out that you didn't," April sympathesizes.

"I do..." Cal says, but his voice seems to say otherwise.

"But?" April pushes.

"A part of me..." Cal starts, only to drift off.

April remains quiet, gazing down at him and playing with his hair.

"I wish I had," Cal finishes angrily. He suddenly sits up and gets off the couch to start pacing. "That fucking creep deserved to die! What he almost did, what he would have done if I hadn't stopped him... I'm so fucking angry that he's still alive! I know it's wrong to want to kill, but damnit April, I want him dead!"

April glances at the staircase and then reaches for Cal's hand. "Cal, darling, come here," she encourages in a gentle voice.

He ignores her and keeps pacing, but he glances at the staircase as well and mumbles a quiet, "Sorry."

"It's okay," April says. She drops the outreached hand that Cal ignored and moves her feet from the coffee table back onto the ground. She watches Cal pace for a moment and then says, "Cal, can you look at me?"

Cal slows his movements and looks in April's direction.

April gives him a small smile. "I would be angry too. I am angry."

Cal stops his pacing altogether as he stares at her. "You are? I thought you were going to tell me that vengeance is the Lord's or something."

April nods, "Maybe I should, but that would be hypocritical of me." She holds Cal's gaze before asking softly, "Did you really think I wouldn't understand that anger you're feeling?"

Cal frowns and rubs the back of his neck. "I don't know, Ape. You're a lot more level headed than most."

April laughs softly. "I have to work really hard to be that way. You know that."

Cal bites his lip, looking full of regret, and steps toward her. "Fuck, yeah. I know that, baby. I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to downplay..."

Downplay, what?

April shakes her head again. "It's fine, Cal. You're going through a lot right now."

Cal takes her face in his hands and looks down at her with a sorrowful expression. "That doesn't mean shit. Your feelings still matter, April. I don't want you to ever feel like they don't."

April smiles. "I know that, Cal, but really, it was fine. I didn't feel like you were belittling my experiences. I know you wouldn't do that."

Cal bends down to kiss her forehead, then rests his forehead against hers and lets out a long sigh. "So what do I do with this anger?"

"Hmm," April says thoughtfully, "I like to deep clean the house. It's been awhile since I've gotten behind the fridge, if you want to start there?"

Cal snorts and moves his hands from April's face to push her shoulders.

April giggles as she falls back against the couch, and Cal sits down next to her with a bit of a smile, followed by another heavy sigh.

April moves closer to him and leans into his side. "Cal, in the end, you just need to allow yourself to feel the anger, but don't let it control you. Alive or dead, it's out of your hands now. You got her out of there. You protected her. Did you do things perfectly? No, I know you didn't, but you did rescue her from an incredible amount of pain, that you know can feel impossible to move on from at times. That's really special, Cal."

So April knows about what happened to him. I wonder just how much he's told her. Does she know it all, or is she still in the dark about most of it?

Like me.

"That's just it though... I didn't," Cal answers, and his last word comes out with a crackle.

April turns toward him to get a better look at his face. "What do you mean?"

"Something happened to her, April," he explains in a hoarse whisper. "I brought her into that hell hole, and I left her there, and-and something happened. I don't know what. She won't tell me. But she's scared, Ape. I saw it on her face, and I know that kind of fear!" At the end of his explanation, his voice comes out with a sob.

As I feel my nose drip and reach up to wipe it with the back of my hand, I realize that I'm crying too.

"Oh Cal," April says while she wraps her arms around him. "That's not your fault. You couldn't have known, and you only left her because you thought she was already gone. That's not on you."

"But I should have known, damnit! That girl stuck by me through everything. Everything. But I let Adam get to me. I trusted him, and I didn't think he would lie to me, but I should have known that what he said was a lie. It was so easy for him too. All he had to do was remind me that I wasn't good for her, and I just accepted that she had come to the same conclusion."

"You can't blame yourself, Cal, you-" April starts, but she doesn't get to finish.

It's as if she doesn't even know him. Cal will always find a way to blame himself... unless something is actually his fault.

"I fucking can, April, and I do!" he talks over her, having quickly transitioned from tearful sobs to straight up anger. "You don't know how great she is, how selfless. So don't sit here giving me this you-can't-blame-yourself bullshit, because you don't fucking know her. You didn't fucking know me!"

April moves her arms from around him and sits up a little straighter. "Do not start yelling at me," she warns in a firm voice, "I am only trying to help. If you don't want it, you can kindly let me know. I know you're having a hard time, but I will not sit here if you're going to talk to me like that." She begins to stand, but doesn't make it far before Cal wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her into his lap.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Fuck, April. You're right. You didn't deserve that. Please stay with me. I won't yell again, promise."

April sighs and shifts in his arms, trying to move away to stand up again. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Cal."

He releases her and hangs his head as she stands, but rather than leaving, April turns around to face him. She climbs into his lap again, this time straddling him.

Cal looks up at her, and April gently touches his cheek. "What else?" she asks.

When Cal doesn't answer, she elaborates, "You've said you feel relief and anger. You're obviously feeling upset and guilty. What else are you feeling, darling?"

Cal looks up at her with shining eyes. "I feel happy," he tells her, and April smiles down at him and nods her head, like she's encouraging him to say more about the feeling.

"I never thought I was going to see her again. I didn't think she wanted to see me. But when I saw her at the park... When I held her in my arms... Seeing her smile at me again..." He stops talking and bites his lip, giving his head a small shake like he's once again feeling overwhelmed by it all.

I understand, because I feel the same way, but I didn't expect him to admit as much to his wife.

"I'm so happy for you, Cal. I know how much you missed her," she pauses and then adds a little softer, "She really is beautiful."

"Yeah. I didn't make that up," he answers with a small chuckle.

"No, you didn't," she replies just as softly. I'm almost certain I hear a note of jealousy in her tone this time.

I'm a little surprised. She's been so kind to me and easy going. If I were in her shoes, I would have sent my ass out of here as soon as I realized who I was. But April's been playing the role of a laid back wife since we were introduced.

Maybe playing is the key word. No one can possibly be that nice about their husband's past lover. Especially when your husband fucks like Cal Jones.

"Look at me, April." Cal holds her face in his hands and gently tilts her face down toward his. "You are beautiful. Inside and out. Everything about you. You fucking make my heart sing and my dick ache every time you walk into the same room as me." He presses his mouth to hers.

Fuck, it hurts so much to hear him say that to her. Why am I watching this? Why am I still here? And I don't just mean here in the kitchen, why am I still in this damn town? Cal has obviously made his choice, and I need to move on.

I just need to figure out how to do that, and where to go...

April pulls back from Cal's kiss and lays a hand against his cheek again. "Don't swear while you're being romantic. It takes away some of the sweetness," she scolds him, though it's quickly followed by a smile.

Ugh, you're such a goodie, April. How is Cal not bored of you yet?

"I'm sorry, love." His apology sounds sincere, but then he leans toward her ear and adds in a low, husky voice, "I don't remember you complaining last night about the filthy words and curses coming out of my mouth."

Fuck. Guess that's why he's not bored.

April giggles and leans into his chest. "I was having a hard time catching my breath. It was impossible for me to say anything, let alone complain."

"Hmm... Noted," Cal replies, causing April to laugh and lightly tap his nose.

Cal's hand wraps around the back of her neck, and he pulls her face close to passionately kiss her again.

No matter how many times I've already seen his lips touch her, it hurts just as bad. It's a slap in the face and the cruelest form of a wake up call, each and every time.

When he moves his mouth from hers, April looks breathless.

"Make love to me, April."

Fuck. My. Life.

... And did he just say "make love"?

A small frown crosses April's face. "Cal, don't. You know I'd love to, but I can't allow you to use me to hide right now. We should talk."

Yes. Just talk. Please.

Shit, I never thought I'd agree with April so adamantly.

"We have talked, and we'll talk more, but right now, this is what we need," Cal insists, "I'm not using this to escape, I just want you. I need you to know, and feel, how badly I want you."

"I know you do," she replies and lays her head down on his shoulder. "You don't need to prove anything, Cal."

"Who said anything about proving something?" Cal asks, like he's shocked she would even suggest it. "I just keep finding myself thinking about last night..." His hands slide down her sides to grip her hips and he rocks his body forward.

I don't need to hear April's excited gasp to know what she's feeling.

The envy I've been feeling toward her, since the second I heard Cal was married, rears its ugly head and lets out an animalistic roar inside of me.

That's my man. I don't give a fuck if they're married. He loves me. He belongs to me.

"Here, Cal? On the couch?" April asks, barely sounding like she's hesitant now.

Well, fuck. It sure didn't take much to convince her. Not that I can really blame her...

Cal licks his lips while his eyes roam over her. "Yeah, baby, right here. Or you could stand up, and I'll bend you over the coffee table, I don't care. Whatever you want, Mrs. Jones. I just need to be inside of you."

No, no, no. This isn't happening. April's a fucking prude, I just know it. There's no way in hell she has sex in her living room, where people sit when they come to visit.

"I... I don't know, Cal," she says, and I let out a silent sigh of relief, but then she asks, "What if I can't be quiet?"

What?! No, don't ask him that April. Just say no!

Cal smirks. "Oh, I'm counting on you not being quiet, love. Why do you think I waited for both of us to be downstairs? We're far enough away from where they're sleeping."

Except I'm not sleeping, Cal!

Fuck! Why didn't I walk out of the kitchen earlier? If I walk in on them now, they'll know I've been eavesdropping this entire time.

Cal moves a hand from April's hip and groans with pleasure a second later. "Knew I'd find you wet and ready for me, my naughty little kitten. Let me hear you purr."

I think I'm going to be sick.

I cover my mouth to keep myself from screaming and step further back into the kitchen to put them out of sight.

A second later, I hear April loudly gasp, and Cal groans out, "Yesss!"

It's almost quiet, other than the sounds of their heavy breathing and bodies moving together. Then Cal, forever the vocal lover, starts talking again. "The way you feel around my cock, baby... Watching you move over me like this... I'll never get enough of you, April, never."

"Shhh," April warns, though it's quickly followed by another loud moan.

"Shhh," Cal teases back. And then he speaks the words I've been dreadfully hoping to never hear him say.

"I'm madly in love with you, April Jones. Nothing's ever going to change that."