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Shane must have suspected I was outside, he found me alone, my flimsy dressing gown barely wrapped around my naked body, and my right fingers clinging onto a lit cigarette. I think I was getting a little too used to the habit of smoking. I exhaled, a cloud of toxic smoke fleeting into the air above.

"There you are," he gently sang, coming behind me and snaking his arms around my waist. "I missed waking up next to you. Are you okay?" He added, before nuzzling his nose into my neck. I strangely enough felt no warmth nor desire to sink myself back into him and instead, remained almost uptight, wishing to be left alone to my thoughts.

"Heyyy, anyone home?" he teased, kissing my left ear lobe.

I flinched, gently detaching myself away from him. "I'm okay," I replied softly, stubbing my cigarette into the pale green, ceramic dish left on top of the outside table.

"You don't seem okay. Babe, what's up?" he pried.

"I told you I'm fine, Shane. I just needed some air," I said unconvincingly.

"Rose, I'm not stupid. Something's up. What is it?" he pestered, restless to know why I was acting so distant with him. "I thought we were good—"

"---Well, we're not," I snapped back.

"What do you mean, we're not? We just slept together, Rose. Am I supposed to believe it was meaningless?" he said, frustrated, running his right hand through his bedraggled locks.

I contemplated the noun 'meaningless' wondering if whether what I had convinced myself earlier was indeed true. Was it just meaningless sex? Was I right in believing I had only slept with him to settle a desire? A hunger? Or was my heart truly tied to his and wanted the affection that I had desperately craved among the time of our affair.

"Rose!" he barked, making me flinch from my daydream of thoughts. "Can you talk to me? I thought we sorted this all out yesterday. Aren't we good now?" he added, searching my eyes to try and find the answer. They must have been very readable as he sighed knowing very well, I was not denying what he suspected. "So, what? That's it?" he said.

"I don't know," I meekly said, shuffling away from the commotion and cowardly heading indoors back through the conservatory.

"Rose! Please, don't mess me around like this," he begged, following hot on pursuit.

I stopped and turned. "Shane," I began, sighing as I let the logical part of me liaise. "I'm going to be honest. I don't think there is a us. I'm not sure if I want a us. I think I want to concentrate on myself. I need this time to work out what I really want. And yes, I'm sorry but I think last night was a spur of the moment."

His face wore a thousand words. Not that I was surprised. I had completely derailed the guy from hope and shattered him to pieces with blunt honesty. "I-I just, don't know what to say," he croaked, before slapping his fist on the kitchen counter adjacent to him. "Like what the fuck, Rose. I'm supposed to accept that you're done with us? We haven't even properly begun---"

"---I just want time to focus on me. Forgodssake Shane! This is the first time in years that I've properly been single, properly been on my own and I think I want the time to discover myself. So, yes, I can't focus on us until I know who I am. All I've ever know is Nick, Nick and Rose, the pair of us since we were kids. I've never took the time to figure out what I want. I've never been selfless for me," I spat back, passionately voicing what I truly felt was clawing to be free from the shackles of my soul. "Think about it," I paused, lightening my tone, "You came into the picture, you made me realise that there's more out there in the world. You helped me realise that I was holding onto a marriage that I was desperate to keep onto out of old habit. I-I...can't understand why I don't just want to jump into your arms and set off sail into the sunset but I know...that I'm ready to discover me," I explained, feeling a heavy weight of relief disperse off my shoulders.

Shane was quiet, he didn't say a word. His eyes fell to the floor as we stood there in complete silence. My heart was thudding throughout my ears but somehow, I felt elation. The truth was out. I think after years of trying to make my marriage work, the adultery I committed, I had come to realise that I was begging to be free, be me, discover who I truly am.

"Shane," I softly said, "I can't lie, I'm not ready for us. And I can't tell you when I will be. I just—" My words dampened as I watched as he sped off out the kitchen and heard the front door slam after him. I didn't chase after him, I just stood there basking in whatever thoughts I had circling around in my mind. He had to know the truth. I would only be tying him down into a loveless relationship.

It all made sense in my mind. I'm pretty sure other people out there have or do experience the same. I had barely as a young adult spent time with me, learnt to love myself. I had met Nick at a young age thinking I knew me, thinking I knew what I liked and disliked but the reality was, I hadn't explored who I was truly. My only experience of love was Nick, the sex and affection, and although that should have been enough, it just wasn't. I did love Nick, I do love Nick, but romantically, that fled away years ago. I think it must have been out of habit or holding onto some sort of comfort zone, some familiarity.

~~~

I stood outside on the busy, hustling city street outside a familiar cafe.

I couldn't leave us like this. I could only hope I would be heard out.

Pushing aside my reflection in the café shop window, my eyes landed onto Angie who was sipping from a white mug, eyes focused on her laptop. I knew she would be here. It was her favourite spot to write. We'd been here loads of times together sharing anecdotes, gossip or just generally catching up. Memories flooded the walls.

Taking a deep breath, I headed indoors, surveying my surroundings of the odd other person sat alone snacking on a biscuit or sandwich before heading to the counter to order an Americano. I glimpsed back over my shoulder here and there to Angie who had yet to notice my presence as I waited for my order to be brewed up.

With an ounce of confidence, I headed over carrying my freshly grounded coffee and slid down into the chair opposite. Angie flinched, preparing to get up until I gently placed my hand over hers. "Please, hear me out," I begged quietly. She seemed to dwell on the proposition until finally giving in and settling back into her chair but almost automatically tearing her hand away from mine.

"You have a lot of nerve showing your face, Rose," she said, her face pulling into grimace.

"I know," I responded, "I just want to properly apologise."

"Apologise? What's the point. I can't ever look you in the face again. The trust is gone. My whole love for is just gone, Rose. You completely broke my heart, as well as that ex-husband's of yours. Yes, I heard. Nick told me. He was also the one to tell me to keep quiet on what really happened to you and him. That man is pure gold. Do you know that? Like I know you had your problems, I know you were feeling detached, Rose, but cheating on him? Was it worth it?" she ranted, closing the lid of her laptop.

"I don't ever expect you to forgive me. And I know now that cheating on Nick was wrong. Lying to you was wrong. I'm sorry I broke your trust. I know, everything I have done is so fucked up," I replied, sighing as I looked into my cup of untouched coffee. "I-I regret my affair," I honestly said, "and I regret how I chose to end things between me and Nick and how I treated you," I paused, leaving us both in complete silence aside from the sound of the coffee machine brewing and odd tapping against keyboards from other fellow peers. "Angie, I know now that the reason why I wanted to escape my marriage, why I had an affair is because I wanted to be free. I've realised that I've never come to a path of self-discovery. I just fucked up by choosing the wrong path to find it. I know this doesn't make up for anything but as someone who I truly do care about, I wanted you to know how I feel," I explained, feeling somewhat relieved to share an ounce of what I had been feeling.

Angie didn't reply for a second or two. "Rose, I can't forgive you."

I quietly nodded in understanding.

"But," she added, "I do hope you find what you're looking for. Maybe they're could be a future for us but I honestly don't see it at the moment. Rose, I'll always love you, you're my friend but I think it's best, you take this time that you need to work on yourself," she said, offering but a short sympathetic smile. I returned one back, before quietly getting up and leaving.

Things probably wouldn't be the same. They maybe wouldn't ever go back to normal but for once in my life, I was starting to feel like I could mend what I had been absent of.

THANK YOU FOR READING. IF YOU ENJOYED, PLEASE VOTE, COMMENT AND SHARE. I HATE TO SAY IT BUT THERE'S PROBABLY ONLY ABOUT TWO OR THREE CHAPTERS LEFT TO ROSE'S STORY. I HOPE YOU CAN ALSO SEE THAT WITH THIS STORY I'VE TRIED TO BE AS REALISTIC TO AN AFFAIR AS POSSIBLE AND THE ASPECT OF SELF-DISCOVERY.