Two years ago...

I sat in the wooden decking chair, the summer's sun smiling down upon me and the calm breeze fluttering through my loose hair that hung upon my bare shoulders. I was feeling more than content. It was comforting hearing the light sound of chatter and laughter as I closed my eyes feeling warmth embrace my heart.

The smell of bacon and sausage sizzling on the hot surface of the grill, the coolness of the fizzy lemonade running down the back of my throat and the sight of my endearing husband, completed the perfection. Nick. The man who'd stolen my heart. It was so exciting knowing each time I glanced his way; his smile would return my way. Only year three years of marriage and I was confident that our love would never grow old.

And later on that summer's night, I sat nestled on his lap running my fingers through his hair as he spoke affectionally, promising me the world and the universe.

"Rose, I love you so much," he muttered, squeezing my hand in his. My heart fluttered as I felt his soft lips against mine. The promise, the vows and life we were making, seemed surreal but it was something I had.

Present

I blinked. I hadn't expected the attack of that memory. Nor did I question it. I knew who was behind it. Guilt.

It was 2:30am. The soft snores of my husband echoed around the bedroom as I sat, not confined by insomnia, but by anticipation as I sat resting against the headboard wondering when I was to make my move. It seemed silly because Nick had fallen asleep hours ago whilst I remained, here, falling into the reigns of guilt presenting me with my past memories. And I loathed them.

I sighed, briefly glancing to Nick, whose face was pressed into the pillow and his arms securely wrapped around it. The man here was the same man in those memories. But the woman, she was not. I had changed.

Climbing gently out of the bed, I stood up feeling the softness of the furry rug beneath my toes. Then I felt the beige carpet of our bedroom floor as I headed towards the bedroom door, taking something silky from off the coat hook with me. And then I was gone.

It was a little chilly outside as I wrapped the silky gown around me, crossing down from our driveway into Shane's. I knew he was expecting me, probably hours ago but I'm sure the wait wouldn't throw him off.

Knock. Knock.

And then the door opened, revealing him, bare-chested and grey jogging bottoms hanging low on his hips. I felt my lips tug as I quietly entered, feeling his eyes burning with passion working overtime all over me.

We wasted not a second. As soon as the door closed behind him, I felt his hands run down either side of my arms, his pressing member against me and the faint touch of lips on the side of my neck. I fell back into him, closing my eyes as I melted with happiness.

His hands slowly worked their way down following the contour of my hips before gradually returning to my breasts and then squeezing them. I bit my bottom lip, turning into him as I ran my hands against his pecs desiring the taste of his lips on mine. And then he complied, matching my pace as I allowed the temptation to take charge.

We were all over each other. Each of our clothing discarded upon the floor. Our naked bodies pressed against one another as he worked every inch of him into me. And the fragments of the past that had tortured me earlier, disappeared as I made love with him.

Shane's fingers ran up and down my stomach as I lay my head upon his arm. We were in his bed, I'm not sure how we made it there. It didn't seem to matter to me if we unconventionally had sex on the floor downstairs, by the fire in the living room or the bathroom tub. For all I cared, I just wanted him. And for the entirety of the night, we had barely said a word allowing passion to speak until now.

"So...what did you want to speak about?" he asked, breaking the silence.

I gently exhaled, rolling over to face him. He re-adjusted his position, resting his hand on my hip as our eyes met.

"Nick wants children," I replied, not refraining from or stuttering on the truth. "And, I don't want to have kids with him." Feeling some weight disperse off my shoulders but not ceasing to completely disappear.

"Oh."

"And, I'm selfish because I want to continue this together, but I also don't want to lose Nick," I added, studying his facial features for change. His brows lifted as I imagined him chewing the answer I had given inside his mind. He didn't say anything for several seconds or so and I didn't blame him. Part of me expected him to kick me out. Expose the truth to Nick. Because I was unwillingly to leave my marriage for him, but I was also unwillingly to quit this affair for the sake of my marriage.

"I kind of expected you to say that," he said, "I won't lie that I'm wishing you could just end things with Nick and be with me, but I wouldn't want to lose you in the process. So, until you're ready, I can wait. And as for Nick and this children business. You're not thinking---"

"I'm still gonna take the pill," I confessed quietly, silencing his words as I felt the evil flee my lips. "I don't want to put a child into the equation, not into this...mess. And besides, I want...a child with you, Shane." I brought my fingers to his lips then delicately stroked his right cheek, watching as my words warmed him.

He smiled cheekily. "That would be nice."

I returned a smile back feeling my imagination tug me to the world where I was happily married to Shane, our child was running in between his legs and I hadn't a worry in the world about who I was hurting in the process.

"What's stopping you from leaving him, Rose?" he asked.

I knew deep down, I was afraid of the punishment. And although, I was falling out of love with Nick, I still loved him like a friend, and with our past, it was something I didn't want to give up on. "I still love him dearly...but not sexually. I can't imagine a world without him, Shane," I said earnestly, "He's the only man I've ever loved."

"I know."

"I promise when the time is right, I'll make this all right," I implored, wanting him to believe me, wanting myself to believe in the words I made.

But with promises, came lies.

***

Nick was readying himself for work, packing his laptop and charger into his backpack as I held a cup of coffee and stood leaning on the corner counter. Not a suspicion or two. He was in a world of his own. Our world. Minus the perfection of a wife he supposedly assumed to have. I had left Shane's around four, written some more chapters and then slept only but three hours, feeling no exhaustion as I maintained my deceitful loyalty. And with my agent's arrival later this day, I was anxious to the future of the pending manuscript.

"Have you seen my wallet anywhere?" Nick was searching under the pile of opened letters before double-checking his backpack pockets.

"Did you leave it on your bedside table?" I suggested.

Nick's eyes lit up. "Oh, yeah. Ha-ha. What would I do with you?"

I attempted a smile but knowing how lousy it looked, I almost immediately brought up the mug to my lips swallowing the strong punch of coffee.

"Oh, yeah, you have Pete coming over today, right?" Nick inquired, stopping at the kitchen door.

"Yes."

"I can't wait to see what my lovely wife has in store for her next book," he complimented, re-adjusting his tie. "And to think, my lovely wife could be the mother of my children," he added before heading down the corridor to the bottom of the stairs. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach as I felt each hair on my skin prickle. I thought I had felt some restrain against the impending guilt, but I knew I was just foolish for thinking that. Seeing Nick so accustomed to the idea of children was so alien to me, and more now than ever now that I was no longer fond of the idea.

No sooner, I heard the light thud of his feet down the stairs and then the appearance of him smiling cheerily as he headed back into the kitchen. Everything seemed normal until I spotted a blue, polka dot wrapped parcel held within his hands. I held my breath wondering on what the earth it was. My initial assumptions that it could have been a present for a work colleague soon fleeted out of the question as he stopped with the parcel in front of me.

He appeared a little bashful, the redness in his cheeks as he held it out to me. "I was...kind of hoping to give this to you. I'd got it a week back. It just seems appropriate now. It's our little reminder of what we both want," he explained.

I pressed my lips together, slowly putting my coffee mug down onto the counter. My heart was thumping in my ribcage. Gently taking it from his hands, I began to tear little by little hoping the fear inside of me would disperse.

And then the fear multiplied.

My hands shook as I felt the soft material beneath my fingertips. My whole body felt electrified, as if my insides were frying. I held back a croak of tears as my guilty conscience tried to steer my absolute confidence. It was a cream one piece outfit. An outfit designed for an infant with 'Our little star' printed on the front. It would be for the child. The child Nick hoped we would have, and my past self would have wanted. And that absolute confidence I had felt about not wanting a child was feeling more than ever fragmented.

"Do you like it? It might be a little big, but I thought they could grow into it," Nick said, his voice a background to the turmoil of emotions I was feeling. "So, what do you think, Rose?"

"I-I-I"

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