Love.

I didn't know that my perspective about the world would change just because of love. I never thought that everything would become colorful because of it. I saw nothing about that word because I didn't experience any, I don't care about that term because I didn't even know how does it feel and I don't give a damn about it because I don't really understand it... not until someone made me feel that way that I couldn't even imagine that I could experience and feel it.

"Ayous! Jump now!" He shouted but I am stiffened while thinking if I could really jump onto the water with this towering height kind of bridge! He is smiling like an idiot but I know that he's encouraging me to jump... but I just couldn't!

"You can't experience these again once we get there! You know how strict our king is!" He shouted again from below where I can see him up here. He is waving his hands and counting his fingers like he's giving me signal and that made me feel more pressured. This damn guy!

King is not actually strict, or maybe he is but only about his son. Not to me, I'm somehow... spoiled.

"I-I just can't," I whispered to myself while my knees and lips are trembling. "I fucking can't!" I shouted. He frowned a bit and then narrowed his eyes.

"Gusto mo bang umakyat ako diyan at itulak kita mismo?" Sigaw na naman niya at akmang tatayo pero dahil sa kaba at takot, napatalon ako wala sa oras! Napasigaw na lang ako ng malakas hanggang sa naramdaman ko na lang na nakayakap na sa akin ang tubig ng ilog! Hindi na ako nagtagal pa at agad lumangoy papunta sa pang-pang hanggang sa habol-habol ko ang paghinga ko dahil sa kawalan halos ng hangin.

I exasperatedly faced him when I heard him laughing his damn ass out while holding his stomach. I just sighed heavily and then sat down on the ground with lot of pebbles and then stared at him again.

"You should see your reaction in the mirror, Ayous!" He uttered while chuckling. He is an asshole. I don't know why I am with him but I think being with him is not boring either. Well, I just think that he need a companion.

And it is also my job as the kingdom's captain.

"Ayous," lumingon ako sa likuran ko at nakitang nakangiti siyang nakatingin sa'kin. Nandito kami ngayon sa kastilyo nila, dito mismo sa kwarto niya. "Samahan mo 'ko mamaya, okay lang ba?" Tanong niya na siyang ikinahinga ko na lang ng malalim.

"Do I have a choice, your highness?" I sarcastically uttered and that made him chuckled. Even his laugh is so manly that I could imagine him with a golden crown on his head and a glowing throne as his seat. Standing so firm with his muscular body and with his giant-like height ruling the whole Ismaela Kingdom and with his superiority and powerful magic.

"Are you okay with your clothes? You can borrow mine if you want." He offered but I just shook my head to decline him.

"Your parents provided everything even I don't want it, Helbram... and those are already enough. Those expensive clothes are too much and I couldn't even wear them because I think I am crossing the line as your adopted brother." Pagkasabi ko no'n ay agad akong natigilan dahil nagbago bigla ang ekspresiyon niya. Hindi ko alam pero kinabahan ako ng saglit dahil sa mukha na ipinapakita niya ngayon sa akin na para bang ayaw niya sa sinabi ko.

"You're not adopted, don't treat yourself bad just because my parents took care of you and not your real parents. Ayous, you're a family and we didn't even treated you as adopted. You're my brother, I am your brother, we're family. Remember that." He stated but I wasn't even convinced that time. He uttered those words like he was really so sure about me and that brother thingy.

But I don't see him as a brother, and that time, my perception in my surroundings changed.

Sa pagkakaalam ko, may nararamdaman akong kakaiba kapag kasama ko siya palagi. Alam ko na hindi siya puwedeng mawala sa paningin ko dahil inatasan ako ng inang reyna at amang hari niya na bantayan lahat ng mga kinikilos niya. Dahil hindi nila alam na baka nagpapanggap lang siyang masaya lalo na't alam ng lahat na naghihirap at namimighati siya dahil sa pagkawala ng prinsesa, ang kakambal niya. Maglilimang-taon na at ramdam pa rin namin ang lungkot niya kahit tinatago niya lang sa bawat pagngiti ng mga labi niya.

Not until one day, he was one of the representatives in a huge battle competition where all schools will compete... schools from other worlds too. It was his chance to look for his sister in other world because he knew that the princess is not here in Sentinyel. He's willing to do everything just to find her and I can't do anything about it because it was his choice. Even his parents couldn't object.

Hindi rin ako makasunod dahil sa bawal akong sumama. At sa unang pagkakataon, nakaramdam na naman ako ng kakaibang emosyon na parang mabigat sa pakiramdam. Na para bang hindi ko kayang hindi siya nakikita araw-araw at para bang hindi nagiging makulay ang araw kapag hindi ko nakikita ang pagngiti at ang mga pagtawa niya.

"Ayous, I'll be back. And I wil——"

I cut him off.

"I like you," I mumbled. He stiffened and I know he was stunned. His eyes gradually widened not until he stepped back, distancing himself from me. I felt something in my heart like it was stung by a bee, slowly killing me. His reaction because of what he heard hurt me deep within. I don't know how to explain it but I think he doesn't like what I've said.

"A-Ayous, I am your brother," he uttered while still in shock. And then he rapidly shook his head like it was so unbelievable for me to throw those uncomfortable words to him. "No, no, no! A-All this time, you like me? I mean, Ayous! I am treating you good, right? B-But what are you talking about? Y-You damn like me? How could you!" He roared. I was speechless. I am hurt. My body frozen like I couldn't even move even an inch because of our sudden awkward situation.

"Helbram," pagsusumamo kong tawag sa kaniya pero nabigla ako dahil sa mas lumayo pa siya sa'kin na para bang nandidiri siya. Mas lalo lang bumigat ang pakiramdam ko at parang pasan-pasan ko na ngayon ang buong emosyon ko. Halo-halo ito at unti-unti rin akong pinapatay sa hindi ko malaman ang dahilan.

"Y-You're gay?"

"I-I don't know!" Sigaw ko na sa kaniya pero hindi pa rin nawala ang pagkakaseryoso na ngayon sa mukha niya na siyang mas lalo kong ikinatakot. Ewan ko pero natatakot ako sa lahat ng mga posibleng bagay.

My real parents abandoned me for no exact reason and I don't even know their faces! And I am now damn scared because I'm sure that after this, they'll abandon me too! Wait, am I being selfish? Dumb? Or am I just too full of myself because I know that they can give everything what I want? Well hell yeah! They can give everything but aside from their son's heart!

"Kakalimutan ko ang nangyari ngayon, Ayous, I don't want to hear it anymore from you. Please, damn please! Stop this shit!" He shouted and then leave me dumbfoundedly. I can't speak even a word, I am shocked and didn't even think that this will be the outcome of my sudden outburst. I'm fucked up.

Simula sa mga araw na 'yon, lumayo ako sa kaniya pero binabantayan ko pa rin siya kung saan man siya pumupunta. Masasabi kong nagbago ang pakikitungo niya sa ibang wizards dahil ata sa sinabi ko. Minsan napapansin kong tulala siya at minsan napapansin ko rin umiiyak na lang siya bigla na siyang nagpapakirot sa puso ko. Gusto ko siyang lapitan, gustong-gusto. Pero ayaw kong kamuhian niya pa ako lalo at ayaw ko siyang guluhin pa. Alam kong hanggang ngayon ay malungkot pa rin siya dahil sa pagkawala bigla ni Prinsesa Hellara at ayaw ko nang dagdagan pa ang problema niya. Masakit pero kailangan.

Once is enough, twice is already a mistake.

Days passed and it is the time for him to travel in other world, in Avalon. The competition is fast approaching and they need to be there before that day. He's cold as ice and his expressions always leave me scars. He doesn't even want to look at me because for sure, he's disgusted. And I understood.

Lumipas ang ilang araw, tulala lang ako habang nakatayo sa tulay habang pinapanuod ang pagkislap at paggalaw ng tubig ng ilog. Minsan nakikita ko ang sarili namin ni Helbram habang naliligo... na para bang may biglaang imahe na lumalabas kung saan man ako pumupunta na siyang dahilan kung bakit lalo ko lang pinagsisisihan ang mga nangyari. Hanggang sa wala ng kulay ang mundo at buhay ko... parang lumayo na ang loob ko sa ibang mga wizards at sa sinasabi nilang makulay na mundo kapag nagmahal ka.

I am starting to hate myself and gradually, I am starting to hate that word 'love'.

Nahihiya na akong humarap pa sa hari at reyna dahil alam kong alam na nila ang inamin ko kay Helbram. Hindi maaaring hindi sasabihin ng prinsipe ang mga sinabi ko kaya bago pa man nila ako paalisin sa kastilyo, ako na mismo ang umalis. Hindi na ako nagbigay pa ng mga salita at iniwan na lang na parang walang nangyari ang Ismaela.

Sa paglalakbay ko sa ibang isla, nahanap ko ang isang malaking eskwelahan. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pumasok sa utak ko pero pumasok ako at nag-aral kahit alam kong wala na dapat pa akong pag-aralan. Nakapagtapos na ako pero sa paraan na 'to, makakawala ako sa mga alaala na siyang gabi-gabing bumabagabag sa'kin. Pero hindi ko aakalain na sa pagpasok ko sa akademya, mas lalong naging madilim ang mundo at pananaw ko sa buhay.

"Guard them, Kayous, I hate students violating my rules." As I graduated again, the owner of the academia hired me to be his right hand. I don't have a choice because he provided me home and food. If it is not because of him, I can't live longer. That's why, I swore to myself that I'll work for him forever. He's evil, I know that but I have to follow his steps and commands for me to live longer.

"Are you sure that you're willing to kill your son just because of our plan?" Livie, one of the councils of High Supreme Court confronted the headmaster. I just coldly looked at them while the headmaster is just smiling at the woman and who's willing to do everything just for her... just like me, who's willing to do everything just for him as well.

"Critticcuss is useless, I don't have a weak son. He better die." I don't know why but I was hurt because of what he said.

In this world, darkness really rules. Parents are willing to abandon and kill their own flesh just because of their own benefits and desires. Their fantasies are killing their own mind and heart that they will do crime just to have and achieve them. And that's fuck up. I was once abandoned and it feels strange, or maybe, I really feel nothing. I didn't even know what is parental's love.

It's better to live alone, I guess.

I stared at the gloomy sky, looks like it will rain this day. Those dark clouds symbolizes me... trying to hide the light in every situation. I just... I just don't want to feel that thing again. I don't want to feel that love again because I know how risky and hurtful it is if the damn destiny is not on your side. Painful.

"Until now, I still don't know why you put your life in risk protecting my evil father, Krayous." Bumaling ako sa nakatayo ngayon sa tabi ko. Nakatingin siya sa akin at malamig akong tinitigan sa mga mata. Huminga ako ng malalim at agad tumayo para harapin siya.

He's the headmaster's son and I should respect him too. He doesn't know anything and I pity him. He knew that his father is evil but he did nothing but let his father controls him. He even abandoned his so called bestfriends just to have his father's attention where I know in the end, he'll die. I don't want to tell him that because I am not in a right position. My task is to guard and protect his father, kill those wizards who are trying to kill him... and support his evil doings.

"He's my boss, your father is my boss." I shortly explained.

He sighed and just like what I did minutes ago, he stared at the sky. He raised his right hand in the air and then I saw how a white magic circle gradually appeared in front of his palm. I immediately felt an immense magic power from it not until the sky became clear. Sun suddenly smiled at us.

"I abandoned my friends not because I wanted my father's attention, Kayous, don't you know that?" I narrowed my eyes because of what he said but I just stood still and didn't talk. I heard him chuckled... painfully.

"Iniwan ko sila dahil sa kapag dumikit sila sa akin, madadamay sila," he continued. He faced me and I was stiffened a bit when I saw tears falling from his blue orbs. He smiled at me but I know that kind of smile... a smile that is hurting deep within. "Alam kong papatayin ako ni Ama, Kayous, alam ko na 'yon. Wala akong silbing anak at ni kailanman, hindi niya ako tinuring na anak. To lessen his burdens, he has to kill me." I was stunned because of what I've heard. All this time, he's carrying that excruciating pain and hiding it just because he doesn't want his friends to be involved?

I sighed deeply and stared at the sky once again.

The world is unfair. Darkness always win. Life is full of shits. Light is useless. That's why, it's better for me to live alone thinking nothing and no one but myself.

******

Author's Note!

Guys, if you know Helbram, yes, he is Avzora's husband from Academia: Hidden Histories. He is also Ruthven and Ruthvann's cousin from A Crown For Throne installments. Twin brother of Leera. If you don't know him, better to read ACADEMIA SERIES and ACFT ARCS. Thank you! xoxo.