Kayous

It was so dark. I don't know but what I am feeling and seeing is only dark. I can't talk. I can't even see myself from the reflection of the mirror because it's.. too.. dark. No light. I don't even feel anything. It's all black and blank. I feel void. Nothingness, I must say. It's damn dark.

I am now walking nonstop towards the darkness, I see nothing but black, I feel nothing but void. I am empty. Everything feels empty and it's fucking suffocating. I am trying to remember who I am but I only remember is that I am the son of darkness. I don't know my biological parents, I am no one's, no one owns me.

"Kayous, let's play!" I stiffened when I heard a familiar voice. I narrowed my eyes because I still see nothing but the voice is still there, calling my name.

"Kayous, I told you, we can't play again if my parents are already in the castle!" I heard once again. That small voice, I am familiar with it... but I can't tell. My heart suddenly pounded so fast like I am feeling something bizarre. My knees are starting to tremble together with my fists and lips. There's something that I really want to see but I don't even know if I can really see.

"Kayous!" It's from another voice... from a mature one.

"You can ask me that question if we will meet again, Kayous." I heard another voice and it was like he was damn comforting me!

"I know in the first place that my father will kill me, Kayous, that's why I chose to abandoned my friends. I don't want them to get involve." My head is starting to get hurt because of another voice that's why I weakly knelt down on the ground and I don't even feel pain from there. I confusingly closed my eyes and held my head with my palms, trying to remember everything.

"Kayous, find your light.. again." Natigilan ako dahil sa mahinhing boses na 'yon. Dahil do'n, pilit kong minulat ang mga mata ko. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng galak nang makitang may kung anong liwanag na akong nasisilayan. Maliit lang 'yon na liwanag hanggang sa napapansin ko ay palaki ito ng palaki.

Find.. my.. light? What does it mean? Am I truly swallowed by the darkness? Am I really controlled by it?

I weakly stood up and trying to reach the light. My heart is beating so damn fast for I don't know reasons but I really want to get into that light. I want to know what's in there and what's waiting. I want to know if that is really the light that the voice talking about that I need to find. I want to make sure if.. that.. is.. really my.. light.

Hindi ko alam pero pinigilan ko ang sarili kong abutin ang liwanag. Hindi ko maintindihan pero may kung anong parte sa akin ang natatakot. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko nakuha ang gano'ng pakiramdam pero mukhang unti-unti na akong nakakaramdam ng takot. Gusto kong hawakan ang liwanag! Gusto ko itong abutin! Pero bakit parang ayaw ng mga kamay kong gumalaw at abutin ito? Ang mga kamay ko ba talaga ang dahilan o baka ang puso ko talaga ang ayaw?

"Kayous, don't be scared, that's your light." Another familiar voice appeared and I want to ask that voice if it's really safe to be in there... but fuck! I can't open my mouth! I can't even speak!

I focused myself with that light and tried my best to reach it. But whenever I am trying my hardest, there's like someone is pulling my arms away from the light! But I don't want to give up! If that light is really the answer, then I am willing to fight and take risk!

Nag-igting ang mga panga ko at tila mas lalong nanggigil nang maramdamang mas lumalakas ang enerhiya ang pumipigil sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung paano pero nakakuha ako ng lakas na siyang dahilan kung bakit halos malapit ko ng maabot ang liwanag!

"I-I..." I wanted to speak! I wanted to shout! But there's a strong force manipulating all the parts of my body to do what I want!

Pinakiramdam ko ang buong lakas na meron ako hanggang sa may maramdaman na lang akong malakas na enerhiyang bumabalot sa kabuuan ko! Kung may anong gustong kumawala sa akin na siyang dahilan kung bakit mas lalo akong nagpatuloy sa pag-abot ng liwanag! Sa utak ko, sumisigaw na 'ko! Nagwawala! Nagpupumiglas para lang maabot ang liwanag! At hanggang sa mas lumakas ang buong enerhiya na nasa loob ko!

"L-L.. L-Light!" I finally screamed not until the light swallowed my wholeness... not until memories appeared in my head like they are clips from my past.

Natigilan ako nang makita ang mga imahe na siyang hindi ko aakalain na babalik muli sa'kin. Hindi ko alam na ang mga alaala na nakikita ko ngayon sa liwanag ay siyang mga nangyari sa akin habang nasa puder ako ng kadiliman. Hindi ko alam na... na nag-iba na pala ang isang ako. Hindi ko alam na marami na pa lang nangyari pagkatapos kong lisanin ang kastilyo ng Ismaela.

"T-That's my light?" I stiffened a bit when I already heard my voice without being trembled. Watching all the memories in that light, I am starting to feel strange within me. There's a little pain in my heart and I don't know why I am feeling this kind of.. emotion.

I saw how I've changed. The time when I leave the kingdom, I was swallowed by the darkness when I met that fucking old guy. I saw how he tortured me until I became strong and cold. I saw how he changed everyone's life while studying in the academia. I saw how he killed, he executed and I saw how he put death in everyone's mind and heart. The killings of innocents, betrayals, longings, alone, coldness and death. I saw them in the light. I saw all of those things in that light and I can't even imagine that my mind was totally in darkness... especially my heart.

It all started because of that man. I remember it now. All of those painful things that I experienced happened because of his insulting and discriminating stares. His heart and mind are disgusted because of me. He doesn't want me to be like this. He doesn't want me. He wanted me to go back and be normal again. So being me is.. aberrant.

"That light is your memories, Kayous, and all of those images are your pasts. Embrace it because it will lead you to your new life, again. Don't be scared, just choose the right path." Lumingon-lingon ako sa paligid para sana hanapin ang nagsasalita pero hindi ko siya maaninag lalo na't ang nakikita ko na ngayon ay puro liwanag at ang mga imahe rito.

"Your voice," I mumbled. I heard him chuckled.

"You know me, of course. But this is not the right time to see me, Kayous, you still have to go back. You need to live." I sighed so deep. "Wake up now. They are waiting for you." He added.

"B-But I don't know how to wake up! I am inside of this light and those images are keep rushing through my mind!" I shouted not until an image appeared in my front. No, it's not just an image, it's a memory.

Adrahasis. He is Adrahasis talking about me.

"Just follow his voice, you'll wake up." Rinig ko muli sa pamilyar na boses na 'yon. At ramdam ko ang pahina na pahina nitong boses kaya para akong nataranta sandali.

"Don't leave me yet! I still don't know what to do!" I screamed but it's too late. The voice is already gone and what I am seeing now is the memory of Adrahasis talking while staring at me. I don't know but while staring at him, looks like he can see me even in my deepest soul.

"Kayous," he called me. I am starting to walk again and immediately follow his voice. I am trying to reach him until the light is getting smaller. I immediately felt nervous because I felt like my light is distancing from me! But when the light is getting smaller, I am also feeling hot in my whole body.

"Kayous! Kayous! Oh God, my son!" I woke up with a blurry vision. I can't feel anything and looks like my whole body is numb. I can't feel my hands and my feet and I can't even talk. It feels really strange.

Nang hinay-hinay ng bumalik ang paningin ko, nakita ko ang isang imahe ng babae na ngayo'y nag-aalalang nakatingin sa akin. Kitang-kita ko kung gaano siya nasasaktan sa hindi ko malaman ang dahilan. May isa ring lalaki na nasa likuran nito at ganoon rin ang ekspresiyon habang nakatitig sa mga mata ko. Nalilito man pero alam kong may kung ano sa akin kaya ganiyan na lang ang ekspresiyon na ipinapakita nila.

"W-Where am I?" I almost whispered, still feeling weak. I gradually roamed my eyes in the surroundings and I can see a familiar view. There are some familiar things and paintings and the color gray and black theme of this room is also familiar.

"N-Nasa kwarto mo tayo, ana—— God! Sa wakas! Nakita ka na namin!" The woman exclaimed again and before I could say anything again, she already hugged me with her strange warmth and love. It was tight and feels comfortable... but I don't like it. I don't know but I don't like it.

"Son, you're back." I stared at the man who's now staring at my eyes. Tears falling from his familiar black orbs and his lips are kinda trembling. But that's not what I want to stare at, it is his greenish kind of golden crown on his head. His hair is blonde, his eyes are black, his physique is not that bad but I sense something weak within him. While the woman is possess with such beauty, black long hair and red eyes just like the color of blood.

The king and queen of this island, the royalties of the kingdom and the ruler of the Ismaela. Of course, they are here. I know them.

Looks like I'm back.

"Heal him, healers!" The queen screamed, seconds after, two healers held my hands and I saw how their hands glowed. I narrowed my eyes and looks like whenever they are using their magic, the magic circle appeared and will be visible right in their eyes... not in front of their palms.

Mabilis dumaan ang oras at namalayan ko na lang na tulala akong nakaupo sa kama ko. Nagpaiwan na ako dahil sa wala akong gana at wala rin akong balak na makipag-usap sa mag-asawa at sa kung sino man. Ayaw kong malaman nila kung saan ako galing dahil wala rin namang saysay kung sasabihin ko sa kanila. Ayaw ko na ring maalala ang mga nangyari sa akademya na 'yon at ayaw ko na ring balikan ang mga alaala na siyang dahilan kung bakit ako naging alipin ng kadiliman at kasamaan.

But what I don't want to accept is that I am here.. again. Even though I felt their happiness and excitement because I am here again, I know that this place is not for me. I walked out without a notice, I leave... but how come they are still joyful where in fact, they already knew why I leave? And why the fuck they aren't kicking me out again?

I am disgusting. My existence is disgusting.

This place is no good for me and I don't want this place to be the reason again.

Someone's knocking on the door but I am just staring at it blankly. I don't want to talk and to entertain as well. I am not in a mood and I don't know when will I find my mood. And this place, this is not the right path that I wanted to take.

Looks like my light brought me to the wrong place.