Chapter Thirty-Four

May mga bagay na kailangan mong bitawan kapag nagiging komplikado na ang lahat. Lalong-lalo na't takot kang magkagulo sa pagitan niyo.

Just like what happened to me and Ryden, I knew that our parents are not in a good terms. Hindi sapat na magmahalan lang kami, reyalidad ito kaya hindi maging madali ang pagproseso ng mga bagay-bagay.

Kung sa mga libro, sapat nang magmahalan ang dalawang tauhan, pero sa reyalidad, hindi. You should look at your sorroundings kung may maapakan ba kayo o wala. That's why, pursuing someone you love is not easy at all.

Being with him might cause a big chaos to our families. Ayaw kong mabalik ang gulong nangyari sa kanila dati.

Ilang buwan na rin ang dumaan bago ko tinapos ang relasyon namin. Minsan ay nasusulyapan ko siya habang naglalakad, minsan naman ay nasusulyapan sa loob ng bookstore but I never got closer to him. It was like we're completely strangers again. Or worst than strangers.

We are now in grade twelve. I don't know if I could still call it unfortunate but we're not classmates anymore. Pero magkatabi lang naman kami ng classroom.

“Wow, ang daming votes pala, Dad!” Masigla kong wika kay Daddy habang ini-scroll ang website kung saan nakatatak ang mga votes ng bawat story.

“Anak, kinakabahan ako. Baka maraming may ayaw.”

I sighed. I don't actually think so. Marami kasi akong nakikita na comments online about how good his book was.

Within one month, Dad was able to finish writing his new book and it was published successfully. Right after he finished writing it, he published the whole book and within just two months, it became the new best-selling book. At ngayon naman, sinali niya sa isang writing contest ang kaniyang libro and it's now on it's second rank and still counting. Paramihan kasi ng mga votes and the deadline will be this midnight. Kaya pati ako'y hindi rin mapakali at kinakabahan rin but I just can't stop checking the votes from time-to-time.

“Dad, don't think negatively, okay. Mananalo tayo, I swear.”

“Eh magaling din yang nangunguna diyan eh. Ilang taon na iyang bestselling author, sigurado akong mas marami na iyang avid readers.”

However, dad might has no idea how popular he was. Even before, Gryphon Brave is already the bestselling author when he published the Unlively Heart. It became a hit and a lot of people loved it. Kahit nung una, I can say that Unlively Heart is one of the timeless book. It was written clearly and nicely. Halos lahat ng readers ni Dad dati ay nabuhayan ng kaluluwa when they knew that Dad is publishing a new book after almost twenty years of not being around. It was truly a huge comeback for him.

“Dad, remember that Gryphon Brave is also a good writer. One of the best.”

Napangiti siya. “I'm so lucky to have you as my daughter, anak. Simula nung sinusulat ko palang itong One Step at a Time, you and your mom are the people who always checks on me. Nagkakaroon ako ng inspirasyon para magsulat at magpatuloy sa bagay na talagang minamahal ko.”

“Dad, I'm just so proud that my dad is a writer. Wala man lang akong alam dati na ikaw pala ang author ng binabasa ko.” Pabirong iling ko.

“Halos nakalimutan ko na rin kasi, 'nak.”

One Step at a Time is the title of his book. He said that this is the spin-off of Unlively Heart. After the resolution among us, he come up with an idea to write something, the same story but this time is my Mom's point of view. They tell quite different narrations though because One Step at a Time stated the story of my Mom how she clear things up from her past and continue living her life freely. Nothing has chained finally. It tells how Mom lived her life with her family—which is us and how she try to make things better. How our family getting better as time goes by.

“Anak, ilang votes na? Nangunguna na ba?” Si mommy na galing sa CR ang nagtatanong.

“Kaunting usog nalang mi, malapit na talaga. I swear, dad will win.”

Sumigla naman ang sistema ni Mommy at dali-daling pumwesto dito sa mesa kung nasaan ang aking laptop nakalapag.

“Wow, 50 votes nalang and your Dad will surpass it!”

“Pinapakaba mo naman ako, eh.” Asik ni Daddy at lumapit sa amin ni Mommy. I can see a quite excitement in his face.

We waited for minutes there and after a while...

“Yes! First ka, Chester!” Halos yakapin na ni Mommy si Dad when we saw how One Step at a Time surpass the first spot.

“Oh my gosh! Finally!” Napatakip ako sa aking bibig.

Lumalakas ang tibok ng aking dibdib dahil sa kabang nararamdaman. Natutuwa ako at at the same time, scared that we might not get the spot. I have been rooting for this one since from the beginning. I did all the things I could think in order for my acquaintances to help vote my Dad's story.

Now that Dad finally got the first spot, ayaw ko pa ring magpakampante. The contest wasn't over yet. Mamaya’t-mamaya ay maaaring mabago ang takbo ng mundo.

Ilang minuto akong nanatili doon sa loob at nang nakaramdam ng pangangalay kakaupo, I decided to leave for a minute and stroll to the mall and find for something I can eat. Nagki-crave kasi ako ng pagkain na wala naman sa fridge.

“Dad, sa labas muna ako saglit. Papahangin lang.” Pagpaaalam ko pa.

“Sige nak, balik ka lang din kaagad, ah.” Tumango ako at mismong pagkasara ko sa pintuan ng opisina ay kumuha agad sa aking atensyon ang dalawang pamilyar na tao sa gilid. Parehong tahimik. I didn't expect Ryden and his mom to be here that's why I almost lost my breath when I saw the both of them. Agad din namang narinig ni Ryden ang aking pagsinghap na siyang dahilan kung bakit lumingon ito sa akin.

We locked our eyes with each other for quite a second before I realized what to do. Kinagat ko ang aking pang-ibabang labi at umiwas ng tingin.

”R-Ryden...”

“Hija,” Imbes na si Ryden ay ang mama niya ang sumagot sa akin.

I know the last time we have talked weren't good and I know until now she was still thinking about that meeting. Pero ang kaibahan lang ay parang hindi na nakataas ang kaniyang kilay ngayon. Mas kalmado ito tingnan kesa nung dati.

“Magandang tanghali po, ano pong kailangan niyo?” I asked and greet politely.

“Nariyan ba ang daddy mo? Gusto ko lang sana siyang makausap...”

“Importante po ba? Pwede naman pong sa secretary niya mo nalang po ibilin.”

She sighed. “Hija, alam kong hindi naging maganda ang naging huli nating pag-uusap at gusto ko sanang humingi ng pasensya sa iyo. Alam kong biglaan pero gusto ko na rin kasing mawala ang gulong ito pagitan sa atin. Pati sa mga salitang nasabi ko sa mommy mo. Nadala lang talaga ako sa emosyon ko. I'm sorry, hija. Huwag kang mag-alala, nagpaalam na ako sa daddy at mommy mo. So I expect na narito silang dalawa?”

I was lost in words for a bit. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa aking narinig. I mean, I just thought that they already buried everything and doesn't mind to ask for apology. After all, it's my parents who caused this chaos. Wala na rin naman kasi akong narinig pa na mga salita tungkol sa kanila and I even almost forgot about Ryden's family. And after months, I've got to see him face-to-face this near. Nanayo ang aking balahibo at para bang may humihila sa akin pabalik sa aming nakaraan.

Ibinalik ko ang aking tingin sa mama niya at tumango na lamang. “Nandiyan po sila sa loob.” Then, she smiled.

Ang akala ko'y susunod si Ryden sa kaniyang ina ngunit nagkakamali ako. He was left there standing and his hands in his pocket. Nakakapanibago rin pala, kahit sanay ako sa presensya niya dati, nakakapanibago dahil akala ko'y ayos na ako na wala siya. I don't if the fact that I was the one who burned us down is the reason why I feel like I'm haunted or is it because after all, I'm still into him.

“Ayezza...”

I suddenly felt overwhelmed. That's it, ganoon ako karupok. Simpleng pagsambit niya lang sa aking pangalan ay halos maghiyawan na ang aking kaloob-looban. 

“Kamusta?” I almost stuttered.

I heard him leave a heavy sigh and began pacing towards me. “I'm glad to see you again. This close.”

“Do you need anything?”

“Aye, pwede ba kitang makausap?” he asked as if he's grabbing a one-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Lumingon naman ako sa kaniya.

“Nag-uusap na tayo.”

Napalitan ang emosyon niya nang pagiging malamig. It sent shivers to my spine.

“I'm sorry for all the things I've done. Kung may pagkukulang man ako dati, pasensya na. Alam kong maaaring huli na ako ngayon at baka nga’y may minamahal kanang iba. Kung ayaw mo na talaga, hindi naman kita pipilitin pero kung hanggang ngayon ay meron pa, handa akong patunayan ang sarili ko muli.”

“Ryden, why are you doing this?”

“Ah, masyado yatang mabilis.” Rinig kong bulong niya sa kaniyang sarili. “Ito, Aye I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry if you ever felt alone when we were together. I'm sorry if you feel like you have to face all the pain alone. Dati, palagi kong sinasabi na nandito lang ako sa tabi mo pero hindi ko naman matanong ng maayos ang tunay mong nararamdaman—”

“Ryd.” I cut him off. “Please, whatever happened between us, you don't have anything to be sorry about. Ako ang rason ng lahat ng iyon so I hope you don't feel bad. I ended it because it wasn't right. Magulo ang paligid natin and we have to face that reality. I don't want to love someone if I am losing myself. Nagi-guilty lang ako dahil sobrang iresponsable ko sa atin. I doesn't deserve you, Ryd.I'm sorry… I know, I've been so wrong saying hurtful words towards you.” I sincerely apologize. Alam kong hindi sapat itong mga salita ko sa sakit na naidulot ko sa kaniya but I really just want to say those words nang mapanatag kaming pareho.

Ilang segundo kaming binalot ng katahimikan nang bago ako nakarinig ng isang mabigat na buntong hininga mula sa kaniya.

“Hindi mo pa inamin lahat ng hinanakit mo ay pinatawad na kita. Ayaw kong magtanim ng galit sa iyo dahil sobrang mahal kita. Kagaya ng pinangako ko sa iyo, hindi iyon nagbago hanggang ngayon. Ayaw kitang kalimutan dahil isa ka sa mga magandang nangyari sa akin. So, you don't need to be sorry. Mahal kita kaya kahit ano pa iyan, papatawarin kita.” Mahabang sabi nito na dahilan ng pagkaramdam ko ng matalim na bagay na tumama sa dibdib ko.

“But, I don't deserve you. I don't deserve your love kasi wala akong ibang ginawa kundi ang saktan ka. I'm sorry again Ryden.”

“Hmm, I don't care. Ikaw ang mas mahalaga sa akin. Pero ayaw naman kitang pilitin. Kaya kung ayaw mo na talaga, kung binitawan mo na talaga ako, then okay. Wala na akong magagawa. I don't have the position to force you dahil ang importante ay nakilala kita.”

I look at him and I saw how his eyes turned red. Pati ako ay nasasaktan din sa sitwasyon namin. Is it really my fault?

Kahit ano pa iyan, kahit sabihin niyang hindi ko na kailangang humingi ng tawad, alam ko ang pagkakamali ko. I'm also thankful that I met him. He thought me so many lessons that's why I don't regret anything.

“Why do you want me back, Ryden? Paano kung maulit lang?”

“Malaki ang tiwala ko sa iyo, Aye. I know you didn't mean to hurt me that way. Lumayo lang ako ng kaunti dahil alam kong kailangan mo ng time para pag-isipan ang lahat at ayusin ang sarili mo. I know you've been hurting since from the beginning.”

“Paano ang mga pamilya natin?”

He fell in silent for a moment and then held my hand. “Magtiwala ka sa akin, darating din ang araw na magiging ayos ang lahat. Kung kailan ka handa, hihintayin kita.”

I gave him a huge smile and wrapped my arms around him. It was just a gentle hug but it tells a lot of feeling. From the beating of my heart and my mind who's in the midst of serenity when I held his arms. I miss this feeling. To be with him when all things are fine.

Indeed, a sorry can bought two lovers so far. Akala ko dati ay makakalakad ka naman ng patuloy kahit walang pagpapatawad ang paglilinaw. Ngunit hindi ganoon sa lahat ng bagay. There are a lot of things that needs to be clear out so that everyone can finally move forward. A sorry can do a lot of things. It could forgive, and might as well could help to love again.

Niyakap niya ako pabalik at mas lalo kong hinigpitan ang aking yakap. Sobrang nami-miss ko ang taong ito. If only the world was fine then we doesn't have to end up this way. But I guess it happens for a reason. When we ended, I realized a lot of things that I should've done with him when we were still together. Now, if I could give us a chance, I wouldn't think twice to do all the good things with him. I will love with no regrets.

“Then, you're waiting for something great, Ryd.”

“Hmmm?”

“I promise.”

Siguro'y naintindihan niya naman ang nais kong iparating dahil naramdaman ko agad ang simpleng paghalik niya sa aking tenga.

This feeling is priceless. Promising someone you truly love is like promising to the whole world. We may not be the perfect couple just like what the fictional characters are, it’s fine as long as we chose our hearts after how we chose our mind.

Our love for each other is more than enough. We’re in the reality but our love story is like the living fictions. We faced circumstances but we, I will make sure, to still end up with each other.

Ang inaakala kong ang totoong pagmamahal ay sa libro lang makikita, nagkakamali ako roon. Nararamdaman ko na iyon ngayon at halos hindi ako makapaniwala.

I’m so happy that a man like Ryden Caleb Saldivar exists in this chaotic world.

And I am also happy that this love that I feel now, the love that he's showering me, this is not just a product of my imaginations because this is real.

I, Ayezza Nathalie Acosta, I’m so happy that I now reached this chapter of my life. I really love Ryden, more than what he thinks.