Chapter Twenty-Nine

I scoffed. “Mawalang-galang na po, Tita. I don't think it's the right thing to do—”

“Habang magulo pa ang mundo natin, sa ngayon, iyan muna ang nararapat na gawin.” She cut me off so I wasn't able to finish my sentence. “Ryden probably loves you. But it's not the right time yet, hija. So it would be the best if the both of you should break up.”

What? Ganoon-ganoon nalang iyon? I bet she understands that breaking up with someone isn't that easy. Tsaka? me breaking up with Ryden would be the best thing to do? Paano naman ako? Mas maayos ba ang pakiramdam ko ngayon kung wala si Ryden?

“Tsaka, bata pa kayo. Probably, your feelings will fade away easily.” She smiled but I couldn't find any reason to return her smile at all so I keep my poker face. “Sa tingin ko, iyan lang naman ang kailangan kong sabihin sa'yo, hija. Thank you for your time, aalis na'ko.”

And just like that, Ryden's Mom left me there hanging. Ilang minuto ang nakalipas, kahit nagsimula nang dumilim ang paligid, I wasn't still moving from my seat. Nanatili ako roon na nakatulala. I'm trying my best to understand her words but thinking about it keeps on making my heart shatter. Ayaw kong mawala si Ryden. I promised not to hurt him.

Hindi ko namalayan na sa ilang minuto kong pag-iisa rito sa lamesang ito ay patuloy palang dumadaloy pababa ang aking mga luha. I just suddenly realized that there was something warm liquid in my face slowly falling.

Nang tuluyan nang mag-alas siete ng gabi, I texted our driver to pick me up and gladly, it didn't took him long to come. At habang nasa loob ako ng sasakyan, mabuti nalang at hindi man lang niya ako tinatanong kung bakit ako umiiyak.

***

“Aye, you should eat breakfast na. It's almost late.”

Kasabay ng pag-uunat ko ang aking paghikab. Nagising na lamang ko dahil naramdaman ko ang pagtapik ni Mommy sa aking mukha. Well, she just broke to my room wearing her business suite.

“Yes Mom, bababa na ako maya-maya.” I nonchalantly answered.

“Aalis na'ko. Baka late din akong maka-uwi mamaya. I have a lot to do in work.”

“Yes Mom, I'll lock the door properly. Don't worry.”

She signed. “Your Dad put bodyguards around the house so we can secure your safety here. H'wag kang magpapabaya sa pagkain, just rest well.”

Tumango ako. “Yes Mom, thanks.”

That day, I was left alone in our house. Actually, if this is just a normal day, I wouldn't mind being alone inside here. It's just that, being alone and feeling lonely at the same time makes my life sucks. House just seems suddenly getting larger and the gap of me and my parents gets larger as well. We never ask how we're doing. Just bidding goodbyes whenever we left the house and tell someone to eat already. Our family isn't not like other family at all. It seems like, just because of that night, our relationship became hazy.

It truly sucks but what could I do? I have to deal with this shit.

Even though I was feeling lonely, I never called anyone. Nagbasa na lamang ako ng libro. A comedy book that unusually didn't make me laugh at all. Because every single minute that had passed, I always remember last night and the reasons she stated why Ryden and I should cut ties with each other.

The next day, Mom left without a word. As well as Dad but I wasn't shock anymore. Just a bit disappointed. Nang gumising ako ay sobrang tahimik ng paligid. Tanging mga yapak ko lang pababa ng hagdan ang aking naririnig.

When I finally eat my meal, the only thing that filled my ear was the sound of utensils I used. Walang boses ko o ng sinuman. I was just there alone in that hazy place and nobody was checking up on me.

Actually, there was. It was him. But I only turned off my phone so that Ryden wouldn't be able to reach for me. It's just seem illegal talking to him.

Kailangan ko bang sabihin sa kaniya ang pinag-usapan namin ng Mama niya? Pero natatakot akong magiging magulo ang pamilya nila at masira ang relasyon nila ng Mama niya ng dahil sa pagsusumbong ko. I put myself here so I must face it no matter what. I just hope that one day, everything will be fine and just like the other couples, we can be with each other without minding the things around us.

We may be young but I wouldn't put myself here with him if I wasn't certain. For seventeen years of existing, I created a wall of myself against guys. I shall not meet them romantically, that's what my principles told me. Guys are just the same, they acts like daisies but eventually, they will thorn into a bloody rose with sharp thorns. They might just hurt me and that's a waste of time.

For the whole day, I never spoke to anyone. This might be absurd but I never let my voice out literally. Wala akong kinausap, sa araw na iyon, walang kahit anong salita ang lumabas sa aking bibig dahil wala naman akong kasama halos sa bahay.

I never got time to talk to my parents which sucks the most. Sabi nila, you can always count on your parents because they always knows the best. Ayon nga sa kasabihan, “Papunta ka palang, pabalik na ako.” It's like, the words that our elderly would tell us. However, my parents seems different. In times like this, they seems so far away. I can't reach them when in the first place, they are the main course of my first ever heartbreak.

Kinabukasan nun ay lunes na naman. Wala sana akong planong umabsent kaso paggising ko'y sobrang sakit ng ulo ko. I doesn't even have a fever. Siguro'y napagod lang ito sa kakaiyak. And I look so fucked up. Hindi ko kakayaning pumasok ngayong araw.

Which is why, finally I turned on my phone to text Ryden. Nang bumukas ito'y mga texts at missed calls ni Ryden kaagad ang bumungad sa akin. I suddenly felt a bang in my chest. I'm sorry Ryden if you have to put up with me. I'm just so broken for the past days and I don't know how to speak with anyone.

Bumuntong-hininga na lamang ako para kahit papaano'y maibsan ang kirot sa aking dibdib. Agad akong tumipa ng text para kay Ryden.

Aye:

Hi Ryd, I'm sorry if ngayon lang ako nakapag-reply. I'm sorry if I made you worry about me for two days. Don't worry, I'm fine. Pero hindi yata ako makakapasok ngayon kasi sobrang sakit ng ulo ko. Hindi ko yata kakayaning pumasok ngayong araw. You can also tell Arin na aabsent muna ako ngayon. I'm really sorry, Ryd. I love you.

Hindi pa dumaan ang ilang minuto ay agad din akong nakatanggap ng reply mula sa kaniya.

Ryden:

Tatawag ako.

Napatakip ako sa aking bibig and I almost panicked but I got no time for that. Kasi hindi pa naman ako nakapag-reply, agad na nag-ring ang aking cellphone with his name on the screen. I was so guilty enough for the past two days kaya naman, sinagot ko nalang ang tawag.

“Damn. Akala ko'y ano nang nangyari sa'yo, Aye.”

I sighed. “Don't worry, Ryd. Masakit lang talaga ang ulo ko ngayong araw.”

“Yeah right. Pero... kahapon at nung sabado, okay ka lang ba? Hindi mo sinasagot ang mga tawag ko.”

I bit my lower lip. That, I don't how to answer that.

“O-Oo naman. I was just busy with something. N-Naglinis ako ng buong kwarto, ng buong bahay, tsaka nagbasa ng libro. You know, napagod rin kasi ako sa exam. Kaya nagpahinga nalang din ako.”

For the first time, I lied to him.

“Napapagod ka na rin ba sa'kin?”

My brows knotted. “Of course not, Ryd!”

“Then why did you neglect me for two days? Kahit isang update lang at rason kung bakit hindi mo sinasagot ang tawag ko, Aye? I'm sorry. Nag-aalala lang talaga ako.”

“I'm sorry, Ryd.”

He sighed. “Hmm, fine. Nagtatampo lang talaga ako ng kaunti. Tsaka nag-aalala din.”

“I understand, Ryd.”

“Okay. Just don't do this to me again, huh? Sige. Magpahinga kana diyan. Huwag mo ring papaurin ang sarili mo. Eat your meals, matulog ka at uminom ng gamot. Don't use your phone that much kasi baka lalala lang ang sakit ng ulo mo. Ako na ang bahala sa excuse letter mo, gagawan nalang kita. I'll call you later pag-uwi.”

Hindi ko mapigilang mapangiti sa mga binibilin niya sa akin. It feels like he really cares for me that much as if I'm the most vulnerable thing in the world. His love for me is always beautiful. A beauty that I don't want to fade even if it ends.

“Sige po, tatandaan ko ang mga 'yan. Hmm, sige na. Baka ma-late ka pa dahil sa'kin. Ingat ka doon, ah. Bawal mambabae!”

He chuckled. “Aye, I won't do that. I'm always inlove with you.”

My face heated. “Sige na nga, bye na, Ryd. I love you!”

“Bye, I love you too. I love you so much.”

I ended the call with a huge smile in my face. Siguro sa dalawang araw na nagdaan, ngayon lang ako nakangiti ng ganito kalawak. Inaamin kong sobrang nami-miss ko na si Ryden. Kaya naman ay napadpad ako sa mga pictures niya sa gallery ko. I stared at those and can't help but to sigh. No wonder why there are girls that is smitten over him. He's always been handsome and I doubt if he even experienced being ugly.

As usual, I didn't got to talk to my parents this morning because when Mom broke to my room again, I pretended to be asleep. She never wake me up. Hindi man lang ba siya nagtataka kung bakit hindi ako gumigising ng maaga e may pasok naman? I just shrugged it off.

That day, sinunod ko iyong lahat ng binilin sa akin ni Ryden and good thing dahil after lunchtime, I feel like I'm getting better kaya nasandal nalang ako sa terrace para magpahangin.

Hanggang sa napagdesisyunan ko na mag-aayos nalang ako ng kwarto. And this would be the perfect timing to break in my parent's room to look for something that might help me understand their past better. The truth of their stories. Tama! Tsaka mukhang matagal-tagal na yata iyong last kong inayos ang kwarto ko—iyong closet ko.

Nilinisan ko ang mga alikabok na naroon at napahatsing ako. Nilabas ko ang lahat na nakatupi at nakahanger na mga damit para mas maayos ang paglilinis. May nakita pa akong box roon sa ibabaw at ibinaba ko iyon, hindi naman siya gaanong kabigat.

Binuksan ko iyon at napangiti ako ng makita ang childhood pictures namin nina Arin at Ashton na nakalagay pa sa photo album. Wala pang ngipin si Ashton dito at may isang picture pa na wala siyang pang ibaba na damit. Napatawa ako sa yagit niyang hitsura. Hindi mo talaga maiisip na itong yagit na 'to ay marami nang napaiyak na babae ngayon.

Nilipat ko iyon sa ibang pahina. Naroon ang picture ni Arin na may bitbit na dalawang lollipop. Iyong isang lollipop ay malaki na pilit niyang ipinagkasya sa bunganga niya. May isa pa roon na umiiyak siya. Naaalala ko 'to, ito iyong hindi siya sinama ni Tita Aria sa mall, nanghihinayang kasi binihisan na siya ni Kuya Vourne nun.

Nilipat ko iyon sa isa pang page, naroon ako na nakasuot ng pink na dress at pink na ribbon na hairclip. May isang picture din ako na nagkakalat ang lipstick sa bibig ko.

Bitbit ko pa ang lipstick na nabali na. Naalala ko rin ito, pinagalitan pa nga ako ni Mommy matapos ng picture na'to kasi kakabili lang daw niya nung lipstick at unti nalang daw ang stock n'on, paborito niya daw kasi ang shade n'on tapos binali ko pa.

Hanggang umabot ako sa last page. Kaming tatlo iyon nung grade one pa yata kami, kung tama ang pagkakatanda ko. May bitbit ako na ice cream tapos si Arin naman ay nagkakalat ang chocolates sa mukha. Nasa gitna namin si Ashton na nakangiti lang. Marami pa kaming albums na magkasama kaming tatlo, may scrapbook pa roon na gawa ko.

Pictures naming tatlo nina Mommy at Daddy iyon at napangiti naman ako ng makita ang picture na nasa gitna nila ako at nasa magkabila ko sila. Nakahalik sila sa magkabilang pisnge ko habang ako ay abot tenga ang ngiti. Ika-3 ko na kaarawan iyon base sa dala kong cake. I want these moments to happen again. Iyong wala pa masyadong problema kasi hindi mo pa naman alam ang takbo ng mundo sa paligid mo.

Habang tinitingnan ko ang mga iyon ay parang may humaplos sa puso ko. The old days are incomparable and the memories are priceless.

Pinagpagan ko ang mga iyon at ibinalik na sa box na lalagyan pagkatapos. Natapos na akong maglinis ng closet ko at nakakapagod nga! May tumulo pa na pawis galing sa noo ko. Winalis ko muna ang mga alikabok roon saka lumipat ng bookshelf ko.

Habang naglilinis ako ay narealize ko na ang dami na din pala ng libro ko. Gusto ko itong dagdagan kapag nakapunta ako somewhere in bookstores.

I even saw the book that Lolo lend me. Nung nakaraan, paboritong-paborito ko ang libro na'to at gustong-gusto kong ikwento ang lahat ng pangyayari dito sa parents ko kaso ngayon, ewan ko at parang may maaapakan na yata ako.

Nilagyan ko nalang ang mga libro ko ng plastic wrap para mas safety at maiwas sa mga alikabok. Natapos ko agad linisan iyon at lumipat naman ako sa cabinet sa ilalim ng study table ko. Nilabas ko lahat ng laman n'on hanggang sa may napansin ako. Isang napakapamilyar na bagay!

Ang panyo ni Ryden! Naalala ko na ito iyong pinahiram niya sa'kin nung nabuhusan niya ako ng coke sa cafeteria. Dahan-dahan kong sininghot iyon at naroon pa rin ang bango ni Ryden! Nakaramdam agad ako ng biglang pag-init ng magkabilang pisnge. Hindi ko maiwasang mapangiti.

Nang matapos ang lahat ay pumunta ako ng cr para labhan ang panyo niya. Balak ko sanang isoli kahit na medyo nakalimutan niya na ang about dito. Nakakahiya naman kung hindi ko isosoli di'ba? Matagal ko naman na siyang pinatawad sa bagay na yon eh.

Nang matapos ako sa aking kwarto ay napagdesisyunan kong pumunta sa kwarto ng mga magulang ko. I opened the door slowly and took steps slowly.

I roamed my eyes towards the area. And just a few seconds, a huge closet caught my eye. Hopefully, I can find something.

I used my hairpin to open the locked closet. Fortunately, it worked. Bumaba agad ang tingin ko sa isang malaking box na natatabunan ng mga naka-hanger na mga coats ni Mommy. It seems old.

I opened it again through my hairpin. Pagkabukas ko nun, napatigil ako ng makita roon ang nobela na pinahiram sa akin ni Lolo noong una. Unlively Heart by Gryphon Brave. Why is this here, though? Does this book holds a huge memory? It would be ridiculous yet makes sense if this book is the book that Mom has been talking about. Tsk, kawawa naman 'to mukhang nasisi pa. Pero I don't want to judge their relationship kasi hindi ko naman alam ang lahat at hindi ko rin dapat malaman. Alam kong masamang manghimasok lalo na kapag problema na ng mga magulang mo.

However this time, it hits different. Within that box contains a lot of things that I didn't even saw before. A photo of Mom and Dad. They look so young here. Nilabas ko ang lahat ng iyon hanggang sa may natirang isang pouch na kulay blue. It wasn't that small. Sakto lang.

I held it with my hand and took a glimpse of what's inside. It was a paper. Might as well a letter. But there are two of them. One is a photo of Mom with another guy. It wasn't Dad.

Kumunot ang aking noo ko at tiningnan ang likuran ng picture na iyon. My jaw fell when I saw names written there.

Harriette J. Centreal
&
Yzrael P. Saldivar
06/03/93

So it was real.

And then I held the letter and realized all of their stories makes sense to me... now. Infront of the letter, there are also words written...

“Sulat para sa kay Yzrael.”