Chapter One

I shouldn't be sad like this. C'mon, it's my birthday and everyone in the family is happy for me adding a year to my life. I can see my cousins especially Arin and Ashklein enjoying the foods at the table that is being served to everyone in the house.

“Mi, hindi ba talaga makakaabot si Daddy?”

Patuloy lang sa pagdurog ang puso ko nang umiling siya. “I'm sorry, Aye but your Dad's busy. There are a lot of appointments.”

“Ayaw niya ba akong makasama sa araw na'to?”

“No, hindi sa ganoon, Aye. You know your dad loves you so much and he always cares for you. It's just that, sobrang busy niya lang pero don't worry, he'll come home later. I'm sure.”

Tumango ako na para bang naniniwala ako sa sinabi ni mommy na para bang sapat na iyon para maibsan ang lungkot na aking nararamdaman. Even though she keeps on lifting my hopes up, I just couldn't expect Dad to come and show up on my birthday. Nung sinabi kong hindi ako dapat malungkot, ibig sabihin hindi na ako dapat makaramdam ng ganito na parang bago na itong lahat sa akin. Sanay na dapat ako eh. Ever since who knows when, hindi ko matandaan na kasama ko si daddy sa mismong birthday ko. Minsan nakakarating nga siya pero gabi na at tapos na ang selebrasyon. Dapat ay nasasanay na ako ngunit sa bawat taon na lumipas, sa labingwalong taon ng aking buhay, nakulong pa rin ako sa dati kong nararamdaman na umaasang darating ang isang paboritong tao at batiin ako sa mahalagang araw ko.

“Aye, lika muna. Try mo'tong binake ni kuya Vourne na brownies para sa'yo.” My cousin Arianna run to me enthusiastically while having a piece of brownie in her hand. Nang dumating si Arin, saka naman umalis si Mommy at pumunta roon sa kinaroroonan ng iba pang parte ng pamilya. Doon kina lolo.

“Mmmh! Ang sarap nito ah, kailan ba siya nagsimulang magbake ng brownies?” Si Vourne ay nakakatandang kapatid ni Arin and they have two-years gap from each other which makes Vourne as an eighteen year old guy. Sa aming magpipinsan, sila palang dalawa ni Ate Khian ang nasa legal age na kasi the rest, magka-edad lang o di kaya'y mas bata rin. And yes, at the age of eighteen, he's already good at various things. He's just so skillful.

Narito kami ngayon sa mansion ng mga Acosta. Though, we doesn't live here. Ang tanging natira rito sa bahay na'to ay si Lolo at ang bunsong kapatid nila dad na si Auntie Cadence pati na rin ang mga maids na para bang invisible kasi minsanan ko lang nakikita na umaaligid. All of Lolo's sons have live in separate houses—though, we live in the same village. Ang La Valle. Hindi naman ito kalayuan sa La Valle pero ang mansion na ito ay hindi located sa loob ng village. Though, it's still safe out here because it has been bombarded with a lot of guards.

“Arin, pahingi naman!” Ashton, also one of our cousins, interrupted us.

Tinaasan siya ni Arin ng kilay. “Kumuha ka roon ng sa'yo. Aagawan mo pa talaga si Aye, ha.”

“Kaya mo naman sigurong kumuha ng para sa'kin, diba?”

“Yes, I can but I wouldn't so I shan't.”

I can hear Ashton mutters something pero dahil abala si Arin sa pagnanamnam ng kaniyang kinakain na brownie ay hindi niya na pa ito pinagbigyan ng atensyon. She doesn't give a damn to hear it.

“Gusto mo, Ash? Ako nalang kukuha ng para sa'yo.”

“Hindi, h'wag na. Basta sa susunod na gagawa ulit ako ng pancakes, siguraduhin mo lang na hindi present iyang si Arin. Nakakasira ng mood!”

“Just talk shit about me because no one cares!” Arin exclaimed but not looking at Ashklein but I'm pretty sure that was meant for him. I just sighed. They were never good to each other. I mean, they keep on nagging to each other as if the world has been soooo damn bad the both of them. Cousins but mortal enemies, that's what they are.

“Saan ka pupunta, Aye?” Umangat ang ulo ni Arin sa akin.

“Comfort room lang.” I said and glanced at Ash whose eyes are on me.

I bet napansin niya iyong mabigat na mga mata and my dull mood. C'mon, it's unusual to feel like one since it's my birthday. Sino ba naman ang hindi matutuwa sa birthday nila diba? But what's got weird is, hindi ko maramdaman ang kaligayahan ngayon.

“Okay ka lang?”

I smiled and nods at her. “Of course, Rin. Just for a minute.”

Syempre, I was fine, I don't feel like want to pee or shit. Sinabi ko lang iyon para sa ilang dahilan para magkaroon ako ng maikling pribadong oras. Lumingon ako sa direksyon kung saan patungo sa library ng bahay at binuksan ito. Pagkapihit ko sa pinto, tumunog pa ito na iyong kagaya ng mga nasa horror movies. Siguro dala na rin sa pagkaluma ng bahay. Suot ko pa rin ang pink cocktail dress ko at pink roses as my so-called crown. Umupo agad ako sa gilid ng kwarto kung nasaan ang couch at tinitigan ang puting doll shoes ko. Lahat ng suot ko ay maganda sa pakiramdam ngunit hindi iyon sapat para maiayos ang aking pakiramdam.

It feels so great being surrounded by bookshelves. The different colors and sizes of books are like a beautiful canvas in my eyes. It was so calming and mesmerizing to see bunches of books in a silent and closed room. Tumayo ako at nagsimulang maglakad sa mga istante kung saan may iba't ibang genre ng libro. Some books talk about business, self-improvement, and to make money without business (this one's ridiculous pero hindi ko alam kung ano ang nasa isip ng author nito) ngunit hindi ako mahilig sa mga iyon.  I love fictional books that tell a story more.

Hanggang sa makarating ako sa section kung saan nakalagay ang TBR list ko. Ang bookshelf na ito ay ginawa para sa akin at kailangan ko lang pumili sa malalaking bookshelf kung ano ang ilalagay sa aking TBR. Natapos ko na ang pinakahuling librong binabasa ko.  I read it because I loved the reviews I've seen on BookTok about it. Ngayon, nakatitig ako sa TBR ko na para bang naghahanap ng lugar kung saan masarap mag adventure.

And there it was, isang hard-bounded na libro na na-stuck sa TBR list ko for maybe a year already. Nakadikit na dito at parang nakikiusap na ito sa akin na basahin ito. Out of my few funny thoughts, I chuckled lightly and grabbed it from the shelf. Tinitigan ko ito at ito ay may puso ng tao sa kulay grey na nakalagay sa book cover at may mga kadena sa kabuuan nito. Hinawakan ko ito at napagtanto na ang mga salitang naka-print sa book cover ay naka-engraved.

“Wow...”

‘The Unlively Heart by Gryphon Brave’ yun yung naka-ukit sa cover. Medyo mabigat pero hindi naman ganoon kakapal. Pagbukas ko ng libro, humatak sa ilong ko ang amoy. yun yung naka-ukit sa cover. Medyo mabigat pero hindi naman ganoon kakapal. Pagbukas ko ng libro, tumatak sa ilong ko ang amoy. It would be nice to make it as an air freshener. I hope my future husband would smell like this. Oh, that's absurd.

‘This book is dedicated to the woman I loved the most but couldn't reciprocate my love for her... I still hope the best for you and happiness.’

The writer must have written half of his emotions in this book. Sa pagtitig pa lang sa cover, alam ko na na hindi heart-friendly ang librong ito. I think I need to prepare some wipes for my tears. Matapos maipit sa aking listahan ng TBR, sa wakas ay nasasabik akong basahin ang isang ito. Sa tingin ko lang ay wala na akong mahanap na magandang libro sa TBR ko kaya naman patuloy akong nagdadagdag doon tuwing may magagandang review ito sa BookTok.

“Ayezza!”

I immediately turned my head the moment I heard someone call for my name from the door.

“Mommy!”

“Oh good, I found you. Akala ko kung saan kana naman nagpupunta. By the way, your tito and titas are going to say goodbye. It's already late.”

I sighed. I actually expect them to stay a little longer, lalo na't nitong mga nagdaang araw ay hindi na kami gaanong nakapag-bond sa isa't-isa dahil abala ang lahat sa kaniya-kaniyang buhay.

“You should go downstairs,”

I closed the book with a heavy heart and followed mom to the living room and there I saw my tito and titas are ready to say goodbye.

“We're just gonna say goodbye to you, dear.” Tita Aria caressed my face and dropped a kiss on my cheeks. She's Arianna's mom.

“It's already late and I have an early appointment tomorrow morning. Happy birthday, again, Aye. Thanks for the fine dinner and—oh, celebration.” Tito Alexander went to me and hugged me lightly. He's Ashklein's dad.

“Sige po. Thank you, rin tito.”

He smiled. “I'm sure your dad will be arriving soon. It's already nine o'clock.”

Sana nga.

“Basta, don't worry, I don't have any appointments naman so I'm so free tonight, Aye. Dito ako mags-stay tonight. Tsaka, namimiss na'ko ni lolo. Baka umiyak na naman yan ng patago kasi namimiss niya ako.” Arin dramatically said at inakbayan ako.

“Mamimiss ko na naman kayong lahat pag-uwi niyo.” Tumabi sa amin si Lolo at inakbayan kami ni Arin.

“Uuwi na rin ba si Ash?” tanong ko kay Arin.

“Oo daw. Sabi may gagawin daw bukas! Baka date na naman yan.” Umirap si Arin habang nakapuyos ang mga braso.

“Sorry cous, I have to go with Dad. Don't worry, I'm going to cook you perfect pancakes again.” Ash joined our hug and now, the four of us were hugging each other like a kid.

“Sige Ash, ingat kayo.”

He then winked at me and patted Arin on her shoulder and perhaps that was his way to say goodbye.

That time, I watched all of them disappear in their own cars. I watched them go away through the doorframe in the house. Nasa tabi ko pa rin sina lolo at Arin na gaya ko'y sinusundan ng tingin ang mga umalis na.

Actually, minsan ay hindi ko maiwasang mainggit sa pamilyang meron si Arin. They all looked happy and contented with each other at every time na pumupunta ako sa kanila ay ramdam na ramdam ko ang gaan ng ambiance nila at kung gaano sila ka-close sa isa't-isa. I can't help but to compare it to mine. An hour have already passed yet there was still no shadow of dad welcoming our doorframe.

Suko na'ko. I'm tired of assuming things this year to go differently yet they are all the same at the start. I sighed in despair and paced back to where I was a while ago. Bumaling ang tingin ko kina Lolo at Arin na naroon sa living room at abala sa pag-uusap sa mga bagay na hindi ko naman masyadong marinig. Basta, they're busy talking.

And then again, I paced towards the library. It seems like every book there already knows me since they always witness how I broke down especially when I read a tragic book (minsan ay naiiyak ako kasi para bang nakakarelate ako).

Kinuha ko iyong libro doon sa corner section. The one which caught my attention. And then again, I paced towards the guestroom kasi paniguradong naghahanda na sila sa pagtulog. There were fifteen rooms in total in this house, iyong kina Lolo at Lola (way back when she was still alive), rooms ng magkakapatid na Acosta, the rest are guestrooms and now, me and Arin would gonna be sleeping on his dad's room dahil si mommy ang matutulog sa room ni dad.

“Grabe, iba na naman yan no?” Nang pumasok ako sa kwarto ay nadatnan ko si Arin na inaayos ang kaniyang damit sa loob ng closet.

“Kakatapos ko lang nung isang classical book na binasa ko last week. And here I am again, something just caught my attention.”

“Kung ako siguro 'yan, mababaliw na'ko. Akalain mo, sa isang taon eh parang ang goal mo lang ay makapagbasa ng isandaang libro? It's just sooo...” she shrugged.

“It's heaven,” I joked.

Ngumiwi lang si Arin sa aking tabi at pinagpatuloy ang ginagawa. Siya ngayo'y nakahiga na sa kama at kaharap ang kaniyang laptop. Arin is the type of girl na halos lahat ng bagay ay nilalagyan ng stickers. Her laptop, it was field with stickers most especially hello kitty and sunflowers. Pati phone case niya'y jelly na may minimalist na sunflower stickers na design—ganoon na rin ang charger. Everything about her filled with stickers at iyon ang napapansin ko.

Matapos kong mag-shower saglit at nakapagbihis na ng nighties ko, agad akong tumabi kay Arin at hinablot ang libro na galing sa library. I am planning to read this one this night.

“Bakit pala hindi ka sumama sa mom and dad mo? Pati si Vourne at Rianne ay umuwi na rin.”

“Siyempre, I don't want you to be alone in this huge room. Baka mamaya'y umiiyak kana lang bigla kasi feeling mo may tall dark and handsome who lives in acacia na tumabi sa'yo diba?” pang-aasar pa nito sa akin. Pero sa totoo lang, hindi naman ako takot sa multo na 'yan.

“Wow, sino lang kaya sa atin na pinaka-ingay kapag nagmo-movie marathon ng horror movies.”

That night resumed wherein me and Arin where busy teasing each other. Nawala tuloy ang atensyon ko sa pagbabasa dahil kinukulit ako ni Arin.

When it was already almost midnight, I finished the day with a book in my hand while laying in the bed. I didn't know what time dad went home because the last time I knew I fell asleep beside Arin with a book on my chest.