Maddy

"I invited Jason." Luke's words seem to echo around the pub before bouncing around my brain. Only then, once I'm repeating those three words, can I acknowledge what he's said.

"Why?" My single word comes out harsh and aggressive, full of hurt and anger.

"He wants to talk to you."

I study Luke's face, searching for some ulterior motive. Something that suggests he's intentionally trying to ruin my night. But there's nothing. Just innocently shaped eyebrows and a wonky smile.

It doesn't help me, though.

"And you thought it would be a good idea to ruin everyone's night?"

"No." Uncertainty flickers over his face before it returns solid, determined. "I just thought now might be a good idea. You guys need to talk before our wedding. I thought it would be easier if we were all around."

I understand what he's doing. I understand he's trying to get me to face Jason now so that whatever argument we're due to have will happen before his wedding and not during. I glance at Menna. She's deep in discussion with Josie and Rhys, so I don't pull her into ours.

I know Luke's right, and I huff before answering.

"Fine. I'll be civil. But if he does anything to piss me off, I hold no responsibility for my words or my actions."

Luke opens his mouth, presumably to argue, but Menna jumps in first.

"You're an idiot, Luke," she tells him with a lovingly playful tone he can't be offended by.

"I'm doing this for you."

Menna pulls a face, forced confusion, before she rolls her eyes.

"Don't argue with her, Luke." Rhys spins his pint between his palms. Each time I see him, he seems better. Lighter somehow. It's not enough to be able to say he's doing better than the day of the cupcakes, but enough to know there's a smile hidden under that pain he carries on his face. "We all know you're an idiot."

"And transparent, " I add, turning my attention back to Luke.

"And put everyone else before your fiance."

"So frustrating."

Luke's eyes flick between the two of us as fast as our insults continue to come until he stands up, silencing us both.

"I'm not sure I like the two of you together," he says before storming to the bar in a strop.

"He's so easy to wind up," I say, keeping my eyes fixed on Luke. There's something about being able to keep the attention off me and my Jason drama that satisfies me.

"Why do you think I kept him as a friend?" A change in Rhys' tone catches my attention, causing my eyes to shift to the corner. I don't draw attention to it. I don't know what it is, but the humour that was so clearly there before has gone.

"I mean, you are due a blowout, Hulk." Josie grins at me over the table. "When was the last time you smashed up a fence?"

"Piss off, Josie." I hate that nickname she gave me. I smashed up a fence with a hammer. One time. And the name sticks with me for life. "Go hang out with your own friends."

"You're the one that invited me." She flashes me her middle finger and goes back to her conversation with Menna. "Idiot."

Luke has barely placed my pint of cider on the table before the glass is at my lips, and I've gulped down a third of the drink. I wipe my upper lip with my thumb and catch Luke watching me with his eyebrows raised almost to his hairline.

"What?" My defence comes up in an instant, prepared for his judgement, but I'm not going to be able to get through tonight completely sober. I'm not ready for that. Not yet. "I'm thirsty. Leave me alone."

"I didn't say anything." Luke takes his seat without another word, but I can tell he wants to say something.

"You didn't have to." I don't bother checking what my face is doing or trying to fix it. "I'm still annoyed at you."

"Shocker," he drawls, claiming his pint. "You're always annoyed at everyone."

"I am not. Just people who mention Jason." Movement in the corner of my eye turns my attention to the door, and my heart leaps out of my chest. "Or people who are Jason."

I hate that he still has this power over me. That he can make my heart flutter and my hands twitch. Because more than anything, more than being annoyed or pissed off at what he did, I just want everything to be okay between us. Easy like when we were kids. I want him to do something idiotic that will make me laugh, and then I'll forget why I was mad at him in the first place.

But I don't think that will work anymore.

As Jason heads over, I search the room for a way out. Nudging Rhys with my elbow, I point to the empty pool table.

"Wanna game of pool?"

"Sure."

I keep my back to Jason as much as I can to make sure I don't spend the entire game watching him. Each time I catch him, he's deep in conversation with Luke and shot by shot, I find myself relaxing around Rhys.

I'm one ball up as I flawlessly line my next shot. As I draw back, something knocks the end of the cue, and the white ball goes off target, skimming the yellow ball I was aiming for.

"You little fucker." I turn at speed with a cheeky smile, about to let my anger out on Rhys, but it's Jason who is standing behind me. My frustration vanishes before anger and a red hot burning hatred works its way from my feet to the top of my head. But when I speak, it's not fuelled by my emotions. It's weak and pathetic. "Jason?"

"Maddy." A wonky smile that has my heart leaping for the second time tonight fills his face.

"You're an asshole." This time, my anger is clear in my voice. If I can blame Jason for anything, I will. "I was going to have that shot."

He shrugs, unphased by my curled fists or clenched jaw. "I dunno. You were slightly off target."

Anger continues to fill me, heating my chest, fuelling my actions and I let years of pent up anger and unresolved pain to carry my words at Jason. I don't care where I am.

"The fuck was I? And you know it." My fisted hand flies around us. First at me, then him, then the pool table behind me. "I had that pocketed and you think it's okay to knock me like that? What the actual fuck?"

"Del, calm down. It's just a game." As always, Jason's resolve doesn't change. He continues to mumble out his words through his teeth. His unchanging, steady emotions used to calm me and I find myself stuttering as I realise that it doesn't work on me anymore.

A hand clasps my upper arm and I turn to its owner, ready to fight them off. "Fuck off, Luke."

But it's Rhys. Shame flutters through the anger, but not enough to overtake the emotion. He doesn't react to my response, only lets go of my arm.

I turn back to Jason, letting hurt seep through my anger, lowering my tone. Because Jason's words have a deeper meaning to me.

"Just a fucking game, huh?" I throw the cue at the table, not caring about the cue or the balls, and push out the door of the pub, barely missing people entering.

The air is thick and humid and smells earthy, indicating it's going to be a stormy night.

"Maddy, come on."

"Don't Maddy come on me," I seethe into the night air. I spin, not caring if Jason heard me. "Why are you here?"

"I live here."

"Fuck sake. Here." I point at the ground aggressively several times as I speak. "Why are you here with me? What do you want?"

"I want to apologise. Look, I'm sorry for nudging your cue in there, but it was just meant to be fun."

"Sure."

"I wanna be friends with you again."

His words shock me, firing through me like electricity through a cable.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" My loud voice fills the carpark and I don't have any strength left in me to take a moment to cool down. I've been angry for so long. I need this. So bad. "You think after everything you fucking did. You've barely spoken to me for two years and you think we can be friends? You're a fucking idiot."

"Del." Why does he have to call me that? It pings at my heart every single fucking time. "I know I messed up. I'm sorry. Look, I just want to get on for Luke and Menna. It's their wedding. I wanna be here to help them and I wanna get on with you."

"I can't Jason." My voice is full of the defeat I feel in my heart. He lost his chance a long time ago. "There is no fucking way I will ever be your friend."

I storm off to my bike and pull at the chain with a growl when I remember I left my keys inside.

And that's when the tears start.

I hate that I cry every time I'm angry. It's such a frustrating thing that happens. People feel sorry for me the moment I cry. I want to be strong and angry, but I crumble. I fall apart in front of their very eyes. I want to scream and shove until they feel my wrath, but all I get in return is pity.

I stomp towards the pub to claim my stuff when I'm pulled into a hug.

It's a familiar, pleasing hug. I fucking hate it, but I can't let go.

I cling onto Jason's T-shirt and sob into his shoulder as his strong arms hold me. It's the comfort I need against the hurt I'm feeling.

"I fucking hate you, Jason." I spit my words into his ear.

"I know, Del. I really am sorry." His calm voice soothes me and I'm slipping into the rabbit hole he's luring me down. "For everything."

I pull away and he cups my face. I glare at him as he wipes my tears away. But, for some reason, I don't seem to be able to pull away.

"Remember that time I fell over and was acting all hard and tough until I saw blood and bawled my eyes out. You cleaned it up and it turns out it was the world's tiniest graze I was crying about and you laughed at me for days. I actually think you bullied me about that for years."

I want to hate him for bringing this up now, but I laugh through my tears.

"Yeah. Of course I remember that. It's like the most pathetic thing you've ever done. Who were you trying to impress?"

"You."

His one word has my heart pounding into my ribs and I hesitate. In that small pause, I catch Jason's reaction. He notices my hesitation. He thinks he's getting somewhere.

I pull from his grip and head back inside, wiping my eyes with my sleeve. I ignore the glances Josie shoots at me from the pool table beside Rhys. Menna and Luke are discussing something in hushed tones as I approach.

"Oh, Maddy." Menna pulls me into a hug and I drop my cheek to her shoulder. "What happened?"

"Jason. That's what fucking happened." I glare at Luke over the napkin I'm wiping my nose with.

"I told you not to invite him," Menna whispers to Luke.

"Maddy, he just wanted to talk to you. You won't see him any other time," Luke tells me.

"Course I won't. He ruined my life, Luke. You know that." My words muffle through the tissue. "There is nothing he could possibly say to make it better." I watch Jason as he heads over from the bar. His eyes are on me, just me, as he makes his way towards us and places a banana milkshake in front of me.

"Truce?"

I take the milkshake offering but don't accept his truce. I glare at him through my eyebrows, annoyed that this small act from our past might actually be working.

"I still fucking hate you."

Menna and Luke beside me share a look and I'm reminded of the reason Luke did this in the first place. None of us want what just happened to happen at the wedding.

So maybe, just maybe for them, I can be civil to Jason when we're together.

Maybe.

Then he pulls out that crooked smile and my heart leaps a mile.

Maybe not.

"Fuck off, Jason."

Menna whispers something and Luke drags Jason back to the pool table.

"You okay, Maddy?"

"I don't know. I'm still so angry at him. I want to be angry at him." I stare down at the milkshake full of conflict. "But he's the one who calmed me." I peer up at Menna. I feel broken. A shell of who I used to be. Who I want to be. "What is wrong with me?"

"Nothing is wrong with you. He knows you the best out of all of us." I begin to protest, but Menna continues. "You both might have changed in the last two years, but you guys have a long history and that's going to be part of who you are now. He knows that and is using what he knows to cheer you up."

"I wish he wouldn't. I don't know why he's here." We both turn to watch the others play pool. All four of them have smiles, unaffected by the fallout between me and Jason. This feud between us is old news. I'm the only one who can't get past it. The only one who can't seem to move on.

"You know what Luke is like. He just wants all his friends to get along."

A small laugh escapes me. It's insignificant to the way the other's laughs travel across the room, but it's something.

"Jason is trying. He told Luke he's coming home for good and wants to help with the wedding set up. I think he wants to try with you. At least be cordial while we're all hanging out. I think he wants this back." Menna jerks her chin to Luke and Jason. I know they missed each other while Jason lived away. And I don't have it in me to say they shouldn't have that because I can't hold myself together for one night.

"I'm not telling you to do anything you're uncomfortable with," Menna continues. "But maybe Luke is right. Maybe talking to him will help?"

"Am I an idiot if I consider it?"

"No. No one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do when it comes to Jason."

I watch him laughing with Luke and Rhys around the pool table. I'm torn between listening to him and continuing to shut him out because I don't want him to hurt me again.

I've learnt to accept what happened and protect myself from him again.

The problem is, whenever I was stuck between what to do, Jason always seemed to know what I would do. It's ironic that right now I kind of want to talk to him about this. He would tell me what I'm going to do, I would fight it before realising he's right because I honestly think he knows me better than I know myself.

"What's he like now?" I don't think I want to know but maybe finding out will help me make my decision.

"Erm." Menna hesitates, watching him take a shot as she considers my question. "Better. I never knew him before he was at uni. But he's different now. Like he's finally grown up. He asks how you are everytime I see him."

I sigh. "That doesn't make this any easier."

"Jason is not going to make this easy."

"He used to be a good kid. I didn't fall for some dick."

"I see that in him now. I never understood it before. I never understood why Luke persevered with him. But recently I can see why you did." Menna turns to me with sadness shaping her eyes. "If I'd known you back then, known you were together..." She trails off, but she doesn't need to finish her sentence for me to understand what she's not saying. "I'm so sorry."

I shake my head, dismissing her apology. Jason's actions aren't her fault. She's not responsible for anything Jason did.

I nearly lost Luke because of that.

Jason looks across at me. I suck at my milkshake not giving anything away and glare at his crooked lips.

I trust and believe anything Menna tells me. If she thinks he's changed and talking will be a good idea then maybe I can get over the past and accept that he's here.

I drop my glass to the table with a thump and march up to him.

"Fine." I fire my words at him, interrupting their game of pool. I keep my voice level and stern as I lay down my ground rules. My finger points at him several times. "I will be civil with you. But no bringing up anything from the past. No stories, no milkshakes. I want a clean slate. And this isn't some invitation to be pally with me or think we're friends. This isn't some foot in the door. The door is still firmly closed. And I will yell at you. A lot."

His expression doesn't change. Jason's expression never does. He's sturdy and reliable.

I was always the flight risk. Maybe that's what hurt the most.

"Not even Del?" There's a small quirk in his lips and eyes.

"Nothing," I fire at him.

"Fine."

"Jason."

"Maddy?"

"I still fucking hate you."

I catch Jason's smile as I turn to Luke.

"Don't get smug. This is nothing. I'm doing this for you and Menna."

"Okay."

"Okay."

I sulk back to Menna and drop my head back and close my eyes. I feel worse than I did before. I already feel like this is a mistake.

"What was that?"

"Agreed to be civil," I mumble. "As long as he doesn't bring up our history. I can't deal with that yet. There's too much."

"That's fair. That way you can see what he's like and make the decision to talk to him on your terms if you want to."

I open my eyes and smile gratefully at Menna. I can always count on her to rationalise my actions if I'm not sure what I'm doing.

***

Trying to be polite with Jason is harder than I thought. He's following my rules, but he keeps throwing me that crooked smile. I don't know if he's doing it intentionally or not, but it's wrecking me.

Needing a break, I opt out of the following game and slump on the fixed seating behind the table alone. I press my eyes into my hands, elbows pressing on my knees.

"Wanna get a drink?"

I turn my head in my palms to face Rhys sitting beside me. And for the first time tonight, I feel like smiling.

"You asking me out?"

"No," he scoffs, pointing to the far side of the table. "I'm asking you to pass me my drink."

Straightening, I pass him Menna's cider.

"That's not mine." He points directly at his lager. "That one."

Ignoring his direct point, I pass him Luke's lager. He ignores my outstretched hand and leans over me to reach his drink.

He smells like pine and citrus. It's both refreshing and outdoorsy and is probably the best smell I've ever smelt on a guy.

I freeze when I realise what I'm doing.

I frown when I'm drawn to the drink Rhys has just taken three large gulps from. My cider.

"Now you definitely owe me a drink," I tell him, yanking the glass out of his hand, causing cider to slosh over the both of us. "That's payback for spilling water on me."

Disgust curls Rhys' lip upwards. "That is not the same."

"Sure it is." I wipe the cider off my jeans and grab a napkin to gather up the rest. "They're both liquid."

"But cider is sticky." As if to prove his point, he pokes at the wet patch on my leg and I swat it away.

"Are you always this annoying, Best Man Rhys?"

He lifts his gaze to mine and I feel him study me while I keep my gaze down.

"Since you're smiling at me and not scowling. I'm gonna say I'm not annoying you right now."

Surprised, I lift my gaze to him to find a smile spread over his lips too.

And my smile grows because somehow, for the first time tonight, he's taken all my attention off Jason. There's no anger lingering at the edges of my mind. And I finally think I might be able to get through tonight.