Rhys

"More people will drink cider." Jason holds up the box of cider he's trying to persuade Luke to get for the barbecue he's hosting this afternoon. "The question is how many fruity ones will we need?"

The sun beamed through the cracks in my curtains this morning, casting a warm glow across my face. The sudden change in weather today has finally brought with it the start of spring.

Still, I think Luke is ambitious aiming for a barbecue. This is Britain. It'll probably be raining by the time we get home.

Luke eyes the row of alcohol again and hums. "I don't know, you know."

I ignore them both, leaving them to their ongoing quarrel. Needing something stronger than cider to get me through today, I slide a bottle of whiskey into the trolley. Not expecting this to resolve anytime soon, I leave them to it and wander across to the next aisle for hot dog rolls.

Unsurprisingly, I'm winded by looking at crumpets. I'm distracted by a lifetime of breakfast memories. I don't know why the smaller things are starting to trigger my favourite memories again.

I feel like I'm going backwards. I thought I was past being consumed by Hannah. I sigh and shake my head, trying, and failing, to remove the thoughts.

The longer she stays in my head, the easier it will be to go back home without thought. Being here is meant to be helping move forward. I want to stay. To get to the point where I could be at my best friend's wedding without crying and ruining their day. But at the moment, I can't see that happening. Something is holding me back, and I just can't figure it out.

A pair of muddy boots I recognise from somewhere come into my vision, and I glance up at their owner. The girl who brought over the cakes has a scowl on her face as she studies the bread. I take a punt and decide to talk to her, my gratitude encouraging me.

"Maddy, right?"

Her face shifts to mine quickly before her eyebrows shoot up. "Ah, Best Man Rhys. You learnt my name."

The side of my mouth curves into a slight smile.

"I wanted to thank you," I admit, nerves forcing a quiver into my voice. I'm afraid I won't have the strength to stay if this conversation turns to questions about Hannah.

Maddy's frown hardens, confusion filling every feature. She's expressive and easy to read. But I can't figure out what's causing each of her expressions.

And I'm not sure I'm willing to push or get to know her enough to find out.

"What for?" She asks, still giving nothing away about what's causing the scowl.

"Getting rid of that cupcake the other day." I rub the back of my neck, trying to remove the prickly heat of nerves. "You didn't know why?"

She shakes her head, her mouth turning down in denial. She takes a deep breath and turns back to the bread. "I'm a stranger. I wasn't about to ask for your life story."

"But it was that obvious?" As much as I try to avoid it, my pain is obvious in my words, my voice, my stance. It has been for years, and I just don't know how to get out of it.

It's just become part of me now. It's who I am.

Maddy nods. The small uplift of her lips in apology.

I reach for a packet of rolls, just for something to do.

"I feel like I should've recognised you," I say to make doubly sure Hannah isn't about to be mentioned. "I'm surprised we've never met before."

Maddy shrugs. "It's difficult with the farm."

I catch something in her voice. A reluctance that wasn't there yesterday when she spoke about her sheep.

"But, you're right," she continues. "I know who you are. Luke talks about you enough to make me feel like we have."

"I feel like I should've worked out who you were the moment we met."

"You were distracted." Regret flashes over her face, and she pushes on before I have a chance to reply. "But yeah. Luke's like that. Likes to talk about his mates like he's a proud dad."

I chuckle, and a ghost of a smile grazes over my lips. It's refreshing to feel like a full smile could be a possibility moving forward.

"Gives advice like a dad too." I don't know when it happened, but we're facing each other rather than the bakery shelves.

"And has the worst dad jokes."

"His jokes are the worst." Realising I've sunk my fingers into the soft bread, I release the hold and peer down at the mess I've made.

"Have you seen him dance?"

I peer back up at Maddy and move my arms in the similar dad dance Luke has adopted. And when laughter falls from Maddy's lips, I join in. Not completely free, but a small, amused chuckle.

"You know I heard all that, right?" Luke steps up beside us with the trolley with more alcohol than we need this afternoon. Looks like Luke and Jason couldn't agree and just got one of everything. I'm glad to see my whiskey is still tucked into the corner.

Maddy shrugs with a careless wave of her hand.

I clap him on the shoulder. "It's all true, Luke. Just face it. You're a dad before your time."

"Old, too," Maddy pipes up.

"I am not old." Luke's frown appears as he crosses his arms with a huff. His eyes flick between the two of us, and he opens his mouth to continue arguing, but Maddy speaks first.

"Older than me."

"And me."

"I am not older than you, Rhys. You're like thirty already."

"Whoa, whoa." I hold hands up at Luke. "You've taken this too far. It was only meant to be fun."

I watch Luke's expression tighten further, but surprisingly, so does Maddy's. Her eyes are focused on the end of the aisle, and a mask, a stoic, expressionless mask, sets upon her face.

"Del?" Jason's grumble appears behind me, and Maddy's shoulders bristle in response. "It's nice to see you without your bodyguards."

As Jason steps beside me, he removes his cap and runs his fingers through his shaggy hair. Maddy's expression hardens, her eyes narrowing.

"You don't get to fucking call me that, Jason." The venom in her voice is intense and unexpected after the laughter that just escaped her.

She turns, grabs a packet of wraps from the shelf, and throws them so hard at her basket on the floor that she's off target and they land on the floor with a slap.

Leaving the wraps on the floor, she scoops up her basket and storms off.

I glance at Luke, expecting him to go after her, but he's glaring at Jason.

"What the fuck, Jay?"

"What?" He shrugs and waves a hand in the exact same way Maddy did. She shares more mannerisms with Jason than she does her sister.

"Why'd you call her that?" Frustration, probably caused by Maddy and me, pours from Luke's voice. "Couldn't you just play nice for once?"

"Fucking hell, Luke. Calm down. I was being nice." Jason grumbles as he scoops down to grab the wraps, but Luke snatches them out of his hand before he's upright.

Not wanting to be part of this anymore, I throw the squished rolls back on the shelf and ease the wraps out of his grip. He releases his hold without much thought and I wander down the aisle the way Maddy disappeared.

I don't know what urged me to go after her. I barely know her. In fact, I don't know her at all. So why I'm searching every aisle for that dark brown plait is beyond me.

I spot her at the self-checkouts and, without a word, stand beside her, offering her the wraps. She ignores me as she continues scanning her items until the basket is empty. I wait patiently until she grabs them out of my hand and scans them, still not acknowledging me.

As I turn to leave, she sniffles and I freeze. I don't have it in me to leave while a girl is crying. I stare at her side profile wondering what I'm meant to do now. Talking is the tool I've learnt, much to the annoyance of my friends. Maybe I could help Maddy if she just needs someone to talk to. Someone to listen.

"Wanna get a drink?" I ask.

She surprises me by laughing as she chucks everything into a red rucksack.

"Are you asking me out or something?" Tears sit on her throat. "Think you've impressed me by bringing me my wraps? Or is it because I'm vulnerable? Get the girl in a state of weakness."

"Oh, shit no. Oh, crap." Words tumble out of my mouth faster than I can collect my thoughts. "I didn't mean... It's just I... I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol when I'm upset. It helps me. I just thought talking might help."

She glances up at me. A hint of amusement shines through the tears lining her eyes.

"Calm down. I'm kidding. Although, I now have information I don't think you wanted to share."

My eyes widen fractionally. I just told this stranger I have a drinking problem.

Which I don't.

Do I?

She grabs her bag to haul onto her back. Somehow feeling obliged to follow her, I do.

"You okay, though? Luke'll kill me if I've upset you."

"I'm fine." She nods unconvincingly as we head towards the far end of the small car park. "I wouldn't mind if Luke killed Jason though."

"I think you made that clear."

"Good." The venom is back and I understand why she picked up on the cake so quickly. Whatever happened with her and Jason has been rough for Maddy. She understands there are things which remind me of a previous life.

We stop beside her car, the red paint splattered with mud.

"What did you do with that cake?" I ask, seemingly unable to stay clear of any reminder of Hannah. It's as if I enjoy the torture I shove myself into.

Maddy turns to open her boot and chucks the rucksack in carelessly before turning to me with guilt scrunching up her face. "I ate it."

"Well, I'm glad you did."

"Good." She slams the boot shut and turns to me with a shrug. "Because it was fucking delicious. Too bad Menna and Luke can't have it at their wedding."

I know her comment is meant to lighten the cake incident, but the mention of the wedding twists my stomach. Maddy narrows her eyes and cocks her head to the side as she studies my face. I must have given something away.

"Wanna get a drink?"

A large surprised laugh escapes me and she smirks at me.

"Are you asking me out?" I repeat her reply, unsure of what else to say.

"Pft. As if you'd agree to me after that outburst in there."

I shake my head. There's a reason I'm out here with her rather than continuing to trail Luke and Jason around the store. I'm just not sure what it is.

"He probably deserved it." By the way Luke behaved after Maddy's outburst, I would say Jason definitely deserved it.

"Oh, you have no idea."

"Maddy." Luke draws both of our attention as he pushes the trolley across the uneven concrete. Thankfully, he's alone, but it doesn't stop Maddy's shoulders from straightening beside me. "You okay?"

"Fine." Maddy stares off to one side as she plays with the keys in her hands.

"We're having a barbecue later if you want to join us?"

Maddy scans the cloudless sky. "Bit cold for a barbecue, innit?"

"When he says barbecue," I answer. "He means he'll be outside and the rest of us will be inside where it's cosy and warm."

A smile flutters over Maddy's lips, but her eyes scan over the building behind me with a shake of her head. "No, thanks. I'm too busy today."

Luke stops her before she climbs into her car. "We'll catch up soon, okay? Come round and see Menna. She misses you."

Maddy nods and slips into the car. "Catch you later. See you around, Rhys."

I lift my hand for a wave, but the door slams shut before I do.

"What was that about?" I ask, glancing over my shoulder to where Maddy's car is exiting the car park as I follow Luke to his.

Luke glances back to the supermarket. "I'll tell you another time. Was she okay?"

"Seemed a bit shaken. But otherwise okay."

"Good." Concern fills his face as he hums. "I hate being in the middle of those two," he mutters as he lifts the bags into the boot.

I don't comment as I help him. I know the three of them have been friends since they were kids and make a note to remember that whatever is going on between Maddy and Jason is going to impact Luke too.

"You cooled down yet, Luke?" Jason appears by us and Luke rolls his eyes.

"Just get in the car, Jay."

"She's fine. Don't worry," I whisper as I nudge Luke's shoulder.

He nods and I slide into the backseat since Jason has claimed shotgun and chosen the music.

"Your music taste is fucking shit, Jay. I have not missed having you in my car." Luke pulls out of the parking space with ease and joins the queue to leave the car park. "I told you to play nice. To not do anything that would upset her." Luke drops his hands from the steering wheel and turns to Jason. "Like call her Del."

"How is she?"

If Luke is surprised by Jason's response, he doesn't show it. Instead, he pulls onto the road before answering.

"She's hurting. She never got an explanation or an apology. I think part of her is still waiting for that."

I stare out of the window not wanting to be part of this, annoyed that I can't go hide in the bread aisle.

"I want to talk to her. I want to tell her I'm sorry." Jason fidgets with his cap before removing it completely, running his hand through his hair and pulling it low over his eyes. "I miss her."

"You're telling the wrong person here, Jay."

"She won't listen to me. You know what she's like. If her heart's not in it, she won't bother."

"You're the person who knows her the best. You figure out a way to tell her what you need to."

Jason makes a noise somewhere between a grunt and a hum and turns to stare out of the window. "Not sure I am anymore."

"And whose fault is that?" Luke's tone isn't harsh like I expected it to be, it's kind of pitying.

Jason huffs and I sit in the awkward silence now filling the car, wishing more than anything that I'd just stayed back with Menna.

***

I hide in the empty kitchen when I return, avoiding the living room full of people I'm not in the mood to talk to anymore.

"It's just going to be some family and friends," Luke told me this morning. "Is that okay?" He sounded concerned, thoughtful about my feelings.

But after one glance into the living room of their guests, I understand what this is.

This isn't just family and friends. This is the wedding party.

I'm staring at the photo of Hannah again when Luke's blonde hair catches in the corner of my eye. I hold my breath as I turn, ready for some unwanted advice, but it's his sister.

"You stole my idea." She follows my gaze to the spread of photos on the wall and I don't doubt for one second she knows I'm looking at Hannah. "Bit crowded in there."

I hum out a response. There's always something I've found calming about Beca. She's got this no nonsense attitude, a good sense of humour, and is the most steady person I know. She's a master of her emotions and I find her impossible to read. But that means I never know when she's feeling sorry for me.

But despite living in the same city, I only ever see her when I come out here.

I tilt my lager so the neck nudges the edge of her can. "Watch yourself with that drink. Don't want you doing anything stupid."

"Oh. You mean like trying to leap frog a postbox?" A single, patronising eyebrow raises and we both turn to the photos on the wall. In particular, one of me lying on the pavement beside a postbox with six other people piled on top of me.

"Yeah. Something like that."

"Why are you hiding back here anyway?"

"Does Luke really think I wouldn't figure this out?"

"He told me you weren't gonna be in the wedding. He was looking out for you. He's trying to make things easier for you."

I sigh. "I know. I just feel so guilty. Like I'm letting him down all the time."

"I get that," she mutters. "How's Liss?"

I take her bait of changing the subject and follow her gaze to a photo of Luke, Ellis, and me. "Still got a thing for your brother's best friend?"

"Sorry, Rhys." Beca glances at me with what looks like a genuine apology. "But you're not my type. Not the right parts," she adds on before winking at me.

"She broke up with Holly," I tell her. "Now's your chance to swoop in."

"Way to go supporting your friend there, Rhys. But, seriously. How is she?"

I shake my head. "Finding it hard. Think she'd appreciate it if you asked her."

"I don't have her number," she admits.

"You don't?" I slide out my phone and find Liss' contact before handing the phone over to Beca.

I haven't spoken to her in a few days. Well, not properly since I arrived here. Perhaps that's where I'm struggling. Liss always knows what to say. She'll listen to me moan about anything, or reminisce when I'm having a particularly Hannah filled day, without so much as a word.

She doesn't try to find solutions. Yet, she doesn't let me sit around and feel sorry for myself.

And I think that perhaps moving out here, despite only being an hour away, was possibly the mistake I made.

I should've forced her to come with me. Because it wasn't until now, talking to Beca, that I realised Liss has been the biggest part of my healing journey. But my house, full of its memories, has been the worst.

And I'm torn. Pulled in opposite directions by my arms. Because I have no idea where I'm meant to be.

Without Hannah, I have no idea where I belong.