Rhys

This shouldn't feel this good. I shouldn't be enjoying the way Maddy fits in my arms so well. Or the way her coconut shampoo is filling my senses.

Not when she's crying. When she's experienced a trauma. I should be helping her. Not appreciating her.

But I've missed her too much, which is why I found myself back here this weekend. Because I couldn't stay away.

It’s wrecking me seeing her this way, but it’s better than seeing her in the hospital.

My hand continues to stroke the back of her head as I walk us to the farmhouse.

I turn and call for Meg who is sniffing the grass beside the quad. She hurries down the lane and into the farm.

I feel like a dickhead for suggesting Maddy come with me on the road. I should have known she wasn’t ready. But I trusted her to tell me.

Maybe she thought she was okay. I know I've thought I was doing okay only to be sent backwards by something as trivial as a wedding invitation.

We haven't spoken since I left. She never messaged me, and I wanted to give her whatever space she needed. But I should've been here after her accident. I should've been there when she woke up, but I just couldn't put myself through that pain.

But once I ran, I had to fight the self doubt. The dark thoughts telling me Maddy deserves someone who will stick beside her.

But now that I'm back with her, all of that has gone. She is where I need to be.

I stop by my car tucked into the side behind her pickup.

“You okay?”

She pulls her head out of my neck and I move my hand to cup her cheek and wipe away the hair caught up in her tears.

“Yeah.”

She drops her legs to the floor, but I don’t release my arm from around her waist.

“I’m sorry I took you.”

She shakes her head against my palm as I wipe away the tears.

“I wanted to try.” Her arms fall off my neck and her head drops, defeated.

I grip her chin with my thumb and finger and tilt her head to me.

“Don’t be disheartened. You’ve tried, which is a massive step and you’ll recover in your own time.”

She pulls out of my grip and presses her cheek against my chest. Her arms grip around my waist with a heavy sigh.

"I keep trying to remember what happened so I can understand what I did wrong. I know I was crying when I left Jason's. Maybe I should've pulled over."

I hook a finger under her chin and lift her face to mine. "That guy was speeding, Madd. There's nothing you could've done to get out of that collision."

She nods and chews her cheek. "I know I've been through all of this with the police. But I wish I knew why I'm so full of fear when I think about going on the road. How can I be scared of something I have no memory of?"

I have no answer for her, so I pull her close to me and press a kiss to her head.

It doesn't feel like enough.

I grip her tight to me and rest my chin on her head until she pulls away.

“I’ll meet you at the gate.” She’s defeated. Her head droops as she walks away and it breaks my heart. I don’t know what more to say to her and I don’t want to leave her. But the quad can’t stay on the road.

“Won’t be long.”

I watch as she and Meg disappear behind her dad’s buildings and jog down the lane to the quad.

Maddy's leaning against her open gate when I reach her and she climbs on behind me silently. She doesn’t grip as tightly as when I went on the road, but her head rests on my back.

I want to lighten the mood. I want to make her better, but I don’t know what to say. I’m so scared of letting her down, of her being disappointed in me. I’m beating myself up and I can’t find the words to help her.

We do the first two fields in almost silence as I watch her monitor her sheep.

Once she’s closed the gate to the next field, I shuffle backwards on the quad and hold my arm out for her to get on.

“On the front.”

Without a word, she climbs on and I loop round until I’m sat in the same position I was on the first day I came up here.

I lean forward, pressing my lips against her ear. “Think you can sit still with me for five?”

When she nods, I turn off the engine and call for Meg.

“Let her run. This field is empty, ready to separate my tups.”

I rest my chin on her shoulder and wrap my arms around her waist. She sinks back to me, propping her feet up on the handlebars. Her head drops onto my shoulder and her hands rest on mine.

We’re silent as we take in the view. Her dad’s fields are off to the wrong side but from this angle, it’s the mountains dropping down to the beach. The jagged cliffs jut out to the side and seagulls fly in and out of the edges.

“Rhys?”

“Maddy?”

“What were you thinking about when you came up here that first time?”

“Hannah.” There’s no point lying. She's probably figured that out by now. And I like that I can be honest about Hannah with Maddy.

“Will you tell me about her?”

I hesitate and stare out over the sea. I both love and hate talking about Hannah. Sometimes I don’t know what talking about her will do to my mood. Especially when I’m already on edge. Yet, I feel like talking about Hannah will be easy with Maddy. Maddy and I aren’t quite where we want to be and I just hope talking about Hannah doesn’t put us in a worse place.

“She grew up in the city so always loved the countryside. Thought it was some magical place that could cure anything. It’s cured me being out here so maybe she was onto something.

“She had a ridiculously positive outlook on life and people. Always saw the best in people. Even Jason, when I thought he was a complete dick.” My eyes widen and I’m pleased Maddy can’t see the regret from my words. I rush out my next words in a panic. “I see that he’s not now but-”

“Jason met Hannah?”

“Couple of times, yeah.” I wince at my mistake and stay quiet until Maddy makes the association I didn’t want to admit to.

“Wait. You met Jason?”

“Yeah.” I squeeze her slightly, hoping I haven’t made anything harder for her. “I lived with Luke for years. Jason used to visit.”

Maddy’s body tenses and I close my eyes, disappointed with myself.

“What...”

Maddy trails off her words as she fidgets. I’m not sure I want to hear her question or answer it, but if she wants to ask, I won’t stop her.

“What’s up?”

“Erm? Nothing.”

I press my lips to her shoulder and pull her closer to me. She turns her face into my cheek with a small hum.

“I was going to ask you about him. What he was like when I lost him, but I don’t want to know. I’ve made peace with what he did and I don’t want to taint the happy memories we have from when we were kids.”

I understand what she’s saying so I stay quiet.

I don’t know how they’ve finalised their relationship and I’m not ready to hear it. I want to make sure she’s okay before I know I’m no longer needed.

Maddy turns her face back to the sea and I rest my head against hers. There’s silence again, but it’s comfortable.

“Carry on. About Hannah.”

This time, I don’t hesitate. Now I’ve started, and since Maddy seems okay with it, I’m kind of excited to share Hannah with her. Thinking about Hannah with Maddy wrapped in my arms doesn't taunt me with guilt. I'm not trying to push Hannah away, nor am I losing her. She's with me as I talk about her and remember her.

And so is Maddy.

I haven't had to sacrifice either to have the other in my life.

I've reached a place I can finally see this working and it's so fucking peaceful. I feel like I've been hit with a wave and it's stripped everything away. The guilt, the anger, the depression. Everything. Everything feels so clear.

All because Suzanne told me to stop fighting Hannah.

“She had an abundance of patience and would keep at something until she perfected it," I continue with a wide smile. "I used to think it made her resilient, but now I just think she was stupidly stubborn.” A small smile plays on my lips. “She was calming, creative, good with her hands...”

“Is that why you married her?”

I press my chin into Maddy’s shoulder and a hand comes up to try and slap me away. She catches me but doesn’t remove her hand, so I twist and kiss her palm.

She keeps her hand against my lips, stroking at the short stubble. It’s soothing and I know there’s nowhere else I’d rather be right now.

We stay together for a long time and we talk lightly, but there’s no confirmation if either of us is ready.

I pull out my phone to check the time.

“I need to head down soon. For Ella’s therapy session.”

“Okay. You can leave me up here if you need to go. I’ll do that last field and walk down. I agreed to help with my dad today.”

“I got time. Come on.”

She drops her feet and we do the last field together.

We ride down with her on the back of the quad and I enjoy the feel of her body around mine. I stop at the entrance to her dad’s fields without asking if she wants to carry on. She pecks me on the cheek and hops off with Meg before I head to the barn.

Liz leaves her car as I approach and wait to walk into the barn with me. I've held a few of her sessions, but we've never spoken beyond small talk. I know she lost her husband recently, but I do what I can not to listen to their sessions.

“Hey, Rhys." She joins me with a wide smile that still doesn't reach her eyes. I remember the days when it was hard to keep a smile in place for long. But being back here, on this farm with Maddy, my smiles come easily. "Are you running my session today?”

"Hope that's okay. I asked Josie to do me a favour. This is my payment."

She forces out a laugh but tells me she's okay with the situation. I grab Ella's basket as we pass through the barn and place it on the grass beside Amber and the horse to leave the three of them to it. I turn back to the barn to busy myself and offer them some privacy. But Liz stops me on the way in.

“Rhys?”

“Yeah.” I turn to Liz, scanning the basket to check I've not missed something.

“Sorry if I’m intruding, but Josie said you lost your wife.”

I wait for the pain to come which usually accommodates when someone asks about Hannah. But nothing comes.

“I did.” I flick my gaze to Amber, wondering if she knows where this conversation is going, but she gives nothing away. I've spoken to Amber a lot since arriving here. As a colleague, as her patient, understanding the benefits of equine therapy.

It wasn't something I'd heard of before I came here. But I found myself in sessions with the two of them, doing what I could to get over this final hurdle.

“I’m sorry to hear that. I lost my husband six months ago.”

“I would say I’m sorry, but I’m sure you’d understand me if I say I hate it when people say that to me.” I lean against the doorframe of the barn and fold my arms over my chest.

An understanding smile lifts Liz's lips as she runs a brush over Ella's flank. “I get it. And sympathy. I know people care but I just can’t take another face which says that really sucks but I’m glad it’s not me.”

“Fake sympathy is the worst.”

“You’re so young though." Liz turns to study me, her hand resting on Ella. "How did she die?”

“Cancer.” That’s usually my limit when people ask me about Hannah, but I find myself elaborating for some reason. “She had it when she was a teenager and was in remission for six years. It came back and she fought it for two years before she lost.”

“Oh, gosh. That’s awful. How old was she?”

“Sixteen when she was first diagnosed. She died when she was twenty-five.”

“Jesus. Cancer is a bastard.”

“It certainly is. What about your husband?”

“Car accident.”

I physically wince as images of Maddy lying in the hospital bed fill my mind. I find my phone to send her a message asking if she's okay. She probably won't reply, but I feel better that I'm checking up on her.

“That must be worse though." I can't help make the comparisons between Hannah and Maddy and which one I found worse. "I had time to prepare, to say goodbye to Hannah. I couldn’t imagine just losing her completely unexpectedly.”

“It was tough. It still is. I can’t see a place where I’m going to get out of it.”

I nod in agreement. “It’s been nearly two years for me and I’m still struggling. The first year was definitely the hardest and it gets worse before it gets better. Don’t let anyone tell you how fast you should be healing. We don’t heal and it doesn’t get any easier, but you’ll learn to manage it. I can promise you that.”

She smiles weakly at me. I catch the corner of Amber’s lips twitch. Some weird sense of relief floods me at this sight. A sense that I said the right thing to Liz.

We end up chatting for nearly her whole session and she thanks me for being so openly honest with her as she leaves. It wasn't something I had been doing consciously, so used to hiding my pain. But talking about Hannah, remembering her life, isn't painful for me anymore.

Amber waits for Liz to leave before she approaches me. "You mentioned you were having difficulties dating again. Do you want to talk about it?"

I lean back on the table and grip the edges as I consider Amber's question.

"I..." I stumble over my words before I'm able to articulate how I'm feeling. "I met someone. I want to try with them. But I can't get Hannah out of my head. It doesn't feel fair on either of them to feel like this." Despite how I was feeling in the field with Maddy, realistically, I'm not sure how this is going to work. I just know that I want it to. "How am I meant to commit fully when I can't let go of Hannah?"

"It's not a choice, Rhys," Amber says. "You don't have to let go of Hannah to be able to move on. She'll always be a part of who you are and you're not going to let either one down by loving them both. You need to be honest. To yourself, to your partner. And find someone who supports that."

My eyes roam across the barn to the open door which shows the mountainside scattered with Maddy's sheep. There's a warmth in my heart.

"I think I already have."

"It's okay to feel however you feel. If that means taking this next step or waiting, only you can know. But just know that there is no wrong option here, Rhys. Do what feels right for you."

Josie isn’t back from the task I asked her to do for me, so I stick around the barn, busying myself on my phone for the next two sessions.

I call Maddy as I approach my car and she flies out of the farmhouse carrying a plastic food container.

“Mum told me to make sure you eat. Sent me out with some food for you.”

“Tell her thank you.”

“I will.”

“Alright if I come back tomorrow?”

Maddy recoils before a wide smile fills her face. Her real smile. I lift my phone, swiping for the camera to capture this moment.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m remembering this smile forever.”

She screws her face up in embarrassment and swats at my phone until it's tucked into my pocket.

Her smile drops as she peers up at me. “Will you take me on the road again tomorrow?”

“You sure?”

She nods, timidly.

“You know I know the difference between resilience and stubbornness now.”

“Well, I don’t. So you’ll have to watch me make the same mistake repeatedly until I learn.”

"Happy to."  I reach for her wrist and tug her into my body. “Are you okay though? I’m sorry I took you down there.”

“I’m glad you did.” She tilts her head back, resting her chin on my chest. “I’m glad I have you.”

"I'm glad I have you too, Madd."

Amber's words circle my mind and I know, without a doubt, I'm ready to take this step with Maddy. Ready to tell her how I feel about both her and Hannah.

But I'm determined to finish what I've started with Josie before I do.