Rhys

My phone tumbles from my fingers, but it never reaches the table. I don't hear Liss' voice as she catches my phone and holds it to her ear. I watch her face distort, but I don't take it in. Don't put any meaning to the way she's watching me.

Then she's in my face, her palms cupping my cheeks. "Rhys." There's urgency in her voice I can't reciprocate. "Come on."

I squeeze my eyes shut and, pushing her away, dig my thumbs into my eyes.

And, in the matter of seconds, what had been carrying me into a future has thrown me off back in to the dark pits, lost and alone.

I’m not used to the impact a sudden accident can have on the fragile life of a human. On someone I care about. Nothing about Hannah’s death was sudden. It was a long, drawn-out, painful process.

I don’t know what’s worse.

And then urgency replaces the loss, firing me to my feet as I grab my keys and wallet from the table and barrel through the pub and out the door. I heave sharp breaths of the city air.

Gripping my keys until they dig into my skin, I march the way home. I push past people to reach my destination. But it's no use. I'm too far from home, too far from Maddy, to reach her.

"Rhys." Liss grips my upper arm and tugs me until I look at her. "Talk to me. Where are you going?"

"Home. It's Maddy. I need to get to her, Liss." I don't know what to do. All I know is that I need to be with her. Need to see her. I need to know she's not going to deteriorate the same way Hannah did.

Liss nods as if she understands. "But you can't drive. You've been drinking. Let me call Bec."

I stare at her blankly as my mind catches up to her words.

"You've been drinking, Rhys." Liss watches me as she holds the phone to her ear.

I don't seem to know what to do with myself as Liss talks to Beca.

"Tell her to hurry up,” I grumble as my mind catches up, rushing over the last five minutes as if it's been paused and now it's on fast forward.

Liss’ face doesn’t light up like it normally does when she speaks to Beca. Her face holds no cheekiness, no flirting. And I hate it.

As much as I’m trying not to do so, this is bringing up memories of Hannah.

"Bec’s on her way. Come on. My place is closer.” Liss interlocks her fingers with mine, and I hurry her back to her flat.

The small space makes me agitated and impatient. I pace around her living room, asking her repeatedly where Beca is. I sit, I stand, I lie, I push my hands into the counter.

“Rhys.” Liss grabs my arms, turning me to her. “Let’s not panic until we get some answers, okay? What did Jason tell you?”

“That she was in a car accident and she’s in a coma."

"Right. She's still with us. They're running tests on her so we should get some idea what's going on soon, okay?" Liss presses her lips together as her eyes warp with concern. She opens her mouth before closing it and turning away.

A glass of amber liquid is thrust into my chest. I take it and swallow the whisky in one smooth gulp, ignoring the taste, relishing the burn.

“Dude. That was the expensive shit. It's all I have. It’s meant to be savoured.”

“Do I look like I want to savour anything right now?” I give my glass a little shake and hold Liss' gaze until she tops me up. I make a point of sipping this one, but it doesn't help my nerves the way the first one did.

When Liss' phone bursts into life, I don't wait for her to answer it before downing the rest of my whisky and racing out of the door.

I tug open the back door of Beca's car before she's parked up. Leaning between the front seats, I turn to Beca. “How is she? Have you spoken to Josie? Do you know what's going on?”

“No, Rhys." Beca doesn't turn to me. There's tears in her throat, exasperation in her voice. "First I heard was when Liss told me.”

Liss slides in the car and shoves me back into my seat.

"How're you holding up, kiddo?" She cups Beca's face and pulls her into a hug.

"I've known her since I was a kid. She's like a sister, you know," she mumbles into Liss' shoulder.

I want to tug her out of this hug and hurry her along. But she's hurt too. And somewhere my mind is reminding me I need to respect that. Shoving my hands under my thighs, I stare out of the window until we start moving.

I drop my head back and stare at the grey fuzzy ceiling, but nothing is distracting to stop my mind from jumping to the worst.

I stare out the window until I see sheep. I lean forward on my hands until Hannah in the hospital infiltrates my mind.

And then we’re pulling up outside of Luke and Menna’s and I can’t get out of the car. I stare at the front door of the house until it opens and my car door is yanked open by Beca. I stare at her bare feet, forcing in laboured breaths.

Menna's hand slides into mine and guides me to my feet and into a hug.

“Have you heard anything?"

Menna shakes her head and I lose it. The tears fall and I slump against the car.

“I can’t go through this again. Please tell me it's not happening again.”

Fingers slide into my hand and I'm guided into the house until I'm sitting in an armchair. I can't face the stuffy air filling the room. Faces of pain and sympathy surround me and it's all to familiar. It's all leading me to the same place.

Unable to face any of this without a drink, my gaze falls to the edge of the rug as it touches the sofa legs. Underneath the sofa is bare except for a few fluff bunnies. Dropping to my knees, I stretch a hand out into the gap underneath and grope for the item I'm in desperate need of.

“Rhys, what are you doing?”

I ignore people speaking until my hand makes contact with the glass. I pull out the half-drunk bottle of Asian whisky I hid last week.

“Dude, what the fuck? Is that my whisky?”

I pop out the cork and close my eyes as I let the burn sear me. Heat radiates from the drink, overpowering the pain I'm forced to relive. “Yeah. Sorry. I had a tough day while you were in Scotland. I’ll buy you a new one.”

“Jason-”

“Yes, I know.” I don't need to be reminded how much I've fucked Jason over these last few weeks.

I take another gulp before it’s ripped out of my hand by Menna.

“If we’re able to go see her. You need a clear head."

I fucking hate hospitals.

I suppose that’s no surprise after I spent months in one watching my wife disappear.

The septic cleaning product burns my nostrils. It’s not even a pleasant burn like the whisky provides. Image upon image of Hannah’s pale thin face burns my mind. They’re the images I’ve spent the longest time trying to replace with happy ones.

Now they’re back.

And I’m back in a fucking hospital.

I feel like someone is trying to torture me. I’ve finally found someone who could show me a new life and some dickhead ploughed into her.

I think.

It was a car on car collision. And I need to blame someone. I need to find a reason this is happeneing to me again.

Perhaps it's because I stole Jason's whisky and his girl.

I press my head into my palms, forcing my elbows to dig into my legs as I sit in the waiting room outside Maddy's ward. She's stable and had no severe internal damage, but she’s still unconscious with no sign of waking up. Her parents have barely left the last two days. But they've allowed more visitors today.

I couldn’t bring myself to go see her. Instead, I’m sitting outside the ward in an empty room because I’m too weak to see her at her most vulnerable.

It’s going to tear me apart.

“Rhys.”

I look up to find Jason standing in front of me.

“Why did you call me?” I ask. I've been wondering this constantly since I arrived at Luke's. Obsessing over this one minor detail to stop myself derailing into the pit I'm trying to avoid.

He slides a phone out of his pocket and holds it out to me.

“Maddy’s password has always been the day we met. Even at Luke and Menna’s wedding, it was the same. But she’s changed it. I thought you might know what it is now.”

I take the phone from him but don’t look at it as my hand falls between my knees. “The animals?”

“I’m doing them. It’s cool.”

I nod, grateful. “Let me know if you need a hand.” I don't mean it. I don't think I would be able to spend more than two minutes with Jason. But I'd do anything for Maddy. Anything to ease her stress when she wakes up.

If she wakes up.

“Thanks, man.” He pats me on the shoulder. “She’ll be okay. She’s a strong one.”

I don’t doubt that she’s strong at all. But I’ve been here before. Hannah was strong too.

I nod without a word and bow my head, ending the conversation. Jason takes the hint and leaves.

I glance down at the phone, the movement lighting up her screen. Meg appears in the sun on her back and I’m on my feet, chasing after Jason before I've thought about what I'm doing.

His hand wraps around the stairwell door and I force it shut. Unable to speak, I lift Maddy's phone.

Jason shakes his head. “She wasn’t in the car. She’s with me at my dad’s farm. Do you want-”

“No, it’s familiar. Keep her there.” Relief floods through me, pulling me heavily to the linoleum lining the floor. I remove my hand from the door and slump down the wall as Jason slides through the door.

I turn the phone over in my hand and stare at the numbers to input for her pin.

I think back to when I first met Maddy. When she ate that cupcake without question. I've been drawn to her big heart ever since that moment. Even through the hositile expressions and reluctant conversations.

But I'm glad I was. I'm glad I've been able to see Maddy for who she really is. Been able to get to know her.

She’s lit up my life and I’m clinging on to the last thread of hope that she’ll continue to do just that.

I put in the date on her phone only to be kept out and uncertainty clouds me. I thought Jason has suggested I meant something to Maddy. That I had become her person over Jason. But the next two pins end in a thirty second lock out.

I guess this was one sided.

“Rhys." Luke's voice pulls me back to the hospital, trapping me. "Do you wanna see her before we go?”

Silently, I push to my feet and follow Luke down the hall and back to the ward. I keep my eyes on the floor until he stops outside a door.

“How you holding up?”

“I dunno.” I shake my head. “How bad is she?”

“She’s got a lot of bruising on her face and tubes and shit but she still looks like Maddy.”

I know what he’s referring to. Hannah became a ghost of her former self towards the end of her life.

I nod and follow him to Maddy’s bed. I look up and freeze.

The tubes and the machines hanging around her bring me, yet again, back to Hannah.

The bruises and swelling covering Maddy’s face are painful to see. The wound on her forehead which had nearly healed is bigger and a dark bruise surrounds it. She has black eyes and her enitre face is swollen.

But what gives me a small amount of hope, what keeps me rooted to this spot, staring at her, is the colour in her skin.

She’s not rosy, but she’s not grey.

When Hannah lost her last fight, she lost all of her colour.

That has to mean something, right?

"Our request to buy the field has been approved." Josie appears beside me, the pain in her voice eliminating any joy either of us could conjure up. "There's a lot of conditions."

"Send it to me." I keep my eyes on Maddy as I speak, trying not to think about that she might never get to see any of her dream take shape. "I'll read it over and see what I can do."

"You still want to help?"

I turn to Josie, hating that without her smile, there's no trace of Maddy on her face. "Whatever happens, Jo, I'll help with the farm. Whatever you need."

If anything happens to Maddy, I know I'll cling onto her as much as I have with Hannah. Because she's already found a permanent place in my heart.

Beca hangs in the doorway of Luke's living room, waiting to take me home. I slide Maddy's phone out of my pocket and stare at Meg, a question in my mind. Finding my own phone, I scroll through Luke's messages until I find the date I arrived here.

I was a week out and the first date I try, unlocks Maddy's phone to a photo of me and Maddy. It’s the selfie she took from the top of the mountain. We’re smiling close together and lose strands of her hair blow in both our faces.

I stare at her smile.

It’s not her real smile. Not the smile that reaches her eyes when I make her laugh. Or when she looked at me in the barn before we ended everything. The smile I remembered is going to be replaced with the smile on this phone.

It’s a pose for a camera.

And there’s a chance this is the only smile I’ll ever get to see of hers again.

A fake one.

I stare down at the photo of Maddy in my hands. I can’t have my last photo of Maddy to be a fake smile. I had it for two years with Hannah. I looked at a smile that never quite reached her eyes for two years. This is why the photo in my wallet holds so much value.

This photo cannot be the last smile I ever see of Maddy’s.

I lock the phone and hand it to Menna.

“Make sure she gets this.”

Menna takes the phone without question. “You’re welcome to stay.”

“I have work. I need to do something. I can’t...” I clear my throat and force my words out. “I can’t go through this again, Men.”

I’m running away.

I can’t sit here and wait for the unknown. There are things back home I can throw myself into to keep me busy until I crumble.

I’m not in a place with Maddy where I was with Hannah, but it hasn’t stopped the perpetual pain and dread of what might happen.

I’ve been down this path before. I’m so close to welcoming the depression as my only friend.

But I’m determined to go home, finish what I started and begin my new life.

I won’t stay here and wait for my history to repeat.

Needing the additional comfort and support it once offered, I sleep in our bed when I get home, curled up on Hannah's side, her pillow clutched to my chest.