Trigger warning: angst and mentions of past sexual abuse.

This chapter finally explores the reasons behind Loki's reaction from my chapter Brother. 

   Word Count: 2,750

   Loki and Mobius had been dating about a month. Everyone immediately approved, even if some didn't expect it. Brunhilde and Sylvie welcomed the lawyer with open arms. The Valkyrie thought it was good for Loki to care about something on an intimate level (aside from the Tesseract, of course), but she didn't voice her opinions. 

   Their first official date--since Mobius insisted the movie date wasn't official enough--was a picnic in a grove overlooking the fjord. Yes, it was still cold, but they didn't care. Loki managed to make a magic bubble of heat surround them the entire time they ate. 

   Mobius began to notice Loki growing more comfortable with his Jotun form. He only turned into human form when he was out in public. The lawyer regularly affirmed how marvelous Loki's natural look was, but didn't push him to constantly look that way. 

   Being in a relationship was a new thing for Loki. It made him feel uncomfortable in a scary but exhilarating way. The silly, moustached mortal had managed to chip away at some of the icy walls in his heart, which scared him. Yes, the innocent affection felt pleasant, but he knew in the back of his mind that past painful memories would eventually disrupt their relationship if it took more serious turns. 

  That disruption came sooner than he thought. 

   After their fourth date--game night at Brunhilde's--Mobius drove Loki home and saw him to the door. They only meant to share a goodbye kiss, but before they knew it, Loki found himself pinned against his couch, his body shivering as Mobius kissed his face and neck. The god did his best to push through his uncomfortable feelings and reciprocate the affection, not wanting to disappoint his partner. 

   He tensed a little too much when Mobius slipped a hand under his shirt. Loki silently cursed himself when the lawyer paused, slightly pushing himself off of the god. 

  "Loki?" he asked quietly. "Is everything alright?"

  The god put on the smile he used to woo mortals. "Everything is fine," he replied, spreading his arms in a sweeping gesture. "Please, continue."

  Mobius squinted at him suspiciously, but leaned down and pressed more kisses to Loki's face, this time slightly gentler. 

  The god tried to breathe through his memories as he lightly rubbed Mobius' back, his eyes unfocused. 

  The lawyer pulled back a minute later, this time completely climbing off of him. "I don't feel comfortable doing this anymore. Something doesn't feel right. I-I should go." 

  Tears welled up in Loki's eyes, threatening to spill over. "Am I not good enough for you?" he whispered, barely audible. 

  "No, no! It's not that, I promise!" Mobius murmured, cupping Loki's face. "It's just...I fear that I'm hurting you in some way." 

   "Well, you're not," Loki replied abruptly. 

   "Your response to me completely changed after I slipped my hand under your shirt--which I'm sorry for doing. I should've asked." 

  Loki shrugged. "I suppose we both got a bit excited." 

  "Loki, I could feel you trembling. And you looked like you were in another place when I was kissing you. You didn't seem happy." Mobius took one of Loki's hands, squeezing it. "If I'm doing anything you don't like, please tell me. Communication is a big part of relationships, and I don't want to think something is okay when it's not." 

  "I just don't want to disappoint you," Loki murmured, drawing his knees to his chest.

  "You won't," Mobius insisted. "And you aren't right now. I would be disappointed to find out that you weren't comfortable with something I did. I'd be disappointed in myself." He gazed at his partner. "You can trust me, Loki. Is there anything you feel the need to tell me in order to help the two of us feel more comfortable in our relationship?" 

  Loki stared at the coffee table in front of him, silent for over a minute. Mobius waited patiently for an answer if he had one. He noticed Loki hadn't changed back into his Jotun form. 

  The god's lip quivered, and he wiped at his eyes. He let out a sob, grabbing one of the couch pillows and clutching it to his chest. Mobius reached out to comfort him, but Loki shrinked away from him, pressing himself against the arm of the couch. 

  "I'm not going to hurt you," Mobius murmured. "I want to help you. But if you don't want me touching you right now, that's okay." 

  "Okay," Loki whispered. 

  Mobius pulled a cloth handkerchief out of his pocket, handing it to the god. He nodded in thanks, then wiped his eyes and nose. 

  "T-There's something you should know...and I should've told you earlier…," Loki began, sobbing harder. 

  "Deep breaths, Lokes. You're safe here," Mobius murmured as his partner began heaving, sobs escaping in between. He was aching to reach out and comfort him, but knew that Loki didn't want that. He instead held his hand in front of his own stomach, sitting up a bit straighter. "Here, I want you to breathe with me. I don't want you falling into a panic attack, sweetheart. When I raise my hand, breathe with me until I lower it again, okay?" 

  Loki nodded slightly, his eyes following Mobius' rising and falling hand as they breathed together. The god's breathing was closer to normal after a minute. 

  "I-I should've told you," Loki said after Mobius' hand stopped moving. More tears spilled from his eyes. "I'm genderfluid." 

  "That's okay, hun. I like you no matter what," the lawyer said gently.

  Loki shook his head. "Don't say that. Don't make promises you can't keep." 

  "Why do you think I won't keep it?" he asked, tilting his head. 

  "I...I haven't presented as female in a long time. Do you remember that planet Thor and I were stuck on?" 

  Mobius nodded. 

  Loki fidgeted with the handkerchief still in his hand. "When my sister, Hela, pushed me out of the bifrost, I landed there about two weeks before Thor. A man ruled over that planet by the name of The Grandmaster. He hosted lavish parties and arena fights. Most people brought to him were sent to be killed in the arena, but...I-I thought I could get on his good side. Turns out I got on his good side a little too well." He wiped his face, letting out a ragged breath. 

  Mobius' eyes widened, his stomach twisting. It felt like his heart was being stabbed. "Loki...did he--"

  The Jotun held up a finger. "I-If I don't finish what I'm saying, I may never say it again." He drew a breath. "The Grandmaster found out I could magically enhance my body to match the gender I was associating with. H-He thought my female form was cool, so I presented as female when I was around him. At first it was just like a party trick--'hey, look at what this weird god can do!'--but then he started using it in...other ways." 

  Tears threatened to spill out of Mobius' eyes, but he did his best to contain them for Loki's sake. The god started sobbing again, curling in on himself. 

  "You don't have to finish," Mobius murmured. "I think I can figure out what happened from there. I'm so sorry, Loki." 

  "The worst part was he was supposedly all-knowing. He could read peoples' minds. He knew I was uncomfortable with what he was doing, and he did it anyway! Repeatedly!" Loki screamed. "A-And when I told him I didn't want that anymore, he said I could either be with him or get sent to the arena, where I'd most-likely die." 

  Mobius slowly shifted closer. "That's terrible, Loki. I wish you didn't have to go through that. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. How can I help you? Do you want some blankets to help ground you?" 

  Loki nodded, and the lawyer began to wrap blankets and furs around him. 

  "N-Now I can't even bear to think about my female form. It brings too much pain and shame. A-And whenever you put your hand under my shirt, it-it's like I was back there with him on Sakaar. I-I'm sorry." The god buried his face in the blankets. 

  "Loki, you were raped. You have nothing to apologize for," Mobius whispered, kneeling in front of him at eye level. "You're a victim. None of what happened was your fault. And I'm so sorry for putting my hand under your shirt earlier and kissing you when I knew it felt wrong. And I'm not worried about how you present. You do what's comfortable for you." 

  "B-But I just want to please you," he replied, launching into another wave of sobs. "I don't want my trauma s-sabotaging our relationship." 

  "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do to please me. I'm not dating you for your body. And your trauma isn't sabotaging our relationship. In fact, I'm grateful that we can have this conversation about it so we can work on helping you heal." Mobius sat beside him again. "I really want to give you a hug right now, but if you don't want me to, that's okay." 

  "You can hug me," Loki replied quietly. "I could use one."

  Mobius wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, who was still bundled in blankets. He rested his head near the god's shoulder. 

  "You mentioned healing," Loki began after a few quiet minutes. His voice grew shaky. "How does someone heal from something like that?" 

  "Some people don't," Mobius replied truthfully, gently rocking Loki from side to side. "Sometimes they just learn to manage it better. It takes time. Lots and lots of time. Therapy can also help a lot." 

  "What's that?" 

  Mobius stopped rocking for a moment. It was hard for him to fathom the idea that not everyone in the universe knew what a therapist was. Maybe Asgard didn't have a therapist. He thought for a moment of how to explain it. 

  "Well...a therapist is a trained professional, like how I'm a trained professional in law. However, they're trained to help people with mental and emotional problems. I'm not sure how labels work in your culture, but here on earth we have mental illnesses like anxiety and depression, for example. They can be very difficult to work through by yourself, so a therapist is trained to help you work through them together. They can provide you with mental and emotional tools to help you manage illness.

   "But therapy isn't limited to mental illnesses. You can see a therapist about family problems, work problems, trauma, or no problems at all. They can help you live a happier, more-fulfilling life." 

  "I see," Loki replied. "Do...do you see a therapist? Am I allowed to ask that?" He asked shyly. 

  Mobius chuckled. "Yes, I do see a therapist, and yes, you can ask that. Some people think therapy is a taboo topic due to old stigmas, but I don't think it should be. You can ask me more about it if you want. Oh yeah, what's awesome about therapy is it's completely confidential--except if you threaten to hurt yourself or others--so you don't have to worry about everyone knowing about what is discussed." 

  "That does sound great. I am wondering, though, why are you in therapy? You seem like a pretty...stable...guy." Loki chuckled at his awkward wording. 

  "Thanks, Lokes. I love being told I'm not crazy," he joked. "Well, like I said before, there doesn't have to be something wrong with you for you to go to therapy. But, being a lawyer can be pretty stressful. It's not every day the UN assigns you to defend a group of people that aren't even from this planet. I've been having to learn about your culture and teach y'all not to challenge someone to a knife duel when they've upset you." 

  Loki cracked a small smile. "Ah, that does sound pretty stressful. I'm glad you've had so much patience with us." His face turned serious again. "H-How would I go about getting a therapist? Hypothetically?" 

   Mobius offered a gentle smile. "Loki, seeing a therapist isn't a bad thing. As I've said, they're very helpful. There's no shame in it, and you don't have to tell anyone. Usually, you go to a primary care doctor--they diagnose and treat general health needs--and they'll do a basic mental health assessment, then send a referral to a local therapist. Then, you set up an appointment and go to their office." 

  "Does it have to be just me and the therapist?" 

  Mobius shook his head. "No. I could go with you to a few sessions if you wanted me to. Everything still stays confidential, though, unless you want to talk to me about stuff outside of the session." 

  Loki nodded, looking thoughtful. "I think I'd like to try therapy." 

  Mobius smiled. "We can call the doctor first thing tomorrow morning." He checked his watch and began to stand up. "Wow, it's ten-thirty."

  "Mobius?" Loki blushed. "I was wondering if you could stay here for the night?" He asked quietly. "I'll probably get nightmares." 

  The lawyer frowned. "Of course I will. Where do you want me to sleep?" 

  "In my bed is fine," he replied. "I think I'll be okay with just cuddling. I could use the support in case I do have a bad dream." 

  "Are you sure you'll be comfortable?" 

  "I'll kick you out if I'm not," he teased. 

   Mobius just smiled. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   Mobius locked his car, then joined Loki, who was getting ready for bed. They both stood on either sides of the mattress, taking turns staring at it and then each other. 

  "Could you get in first?" Loki asked sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. 

   Mobius smiled. "Of course," he replied softly. He pulled back the covers on the right side of the bed and crawled underneath. He watched Loki still standing beside the bed, seeming to hesitate. "I'll be right here, Lokes. I don't even have to touch you if you don't want me to. Just think of me as a giant, heated body pillow." 

  Loki smirked, then finally crawled into bed next to him. Mobius lived for his smiles. The Jotun stared at the mortal, his red eyes reflecting in the lamplight. He had changed into his original form right after brushing his teeth. 

  "I would like to scoop you," he declared. 

  "Um...what?" the lawyer asked, chuckling awkwardly. His mind raced. Was this some kind of Asgardian thing? 

  Loki squinted at him, confused. "Isn't that what they call it? When the bigger person pulls the smaller person close and holds them?" 

  Mobius laughed in relief. He had to admit, Loki's wording made him nervous. "That's called spooning, Loki. The person doing the hugging is called the Big Spoon. And the person being hugged is the Little Spoon." 

  "Ah," Loki replied. "Well then, may I Big Spoon you? I promise, I'll raise my body temperature." 

  Mobius chuckled. "Sure. Do you want this lamp on or off?" 

  "Off is fine," the god replied. 

  Mobius stretched and switched the lamp off. He felt Loki's arms snake around him, the Jotun's breath at his ear. "Thank you so much for understanding, Mobius. You're a gift." He pecked his cheek. 

  The lawyer blushed. "I'm glad to have helped you. I'm also glad we were able to have this conversation. It helped me be more aware of your needs in our relationship. I want to help you in the best way I can." 

   Loki nuzzled his boyfriend's neck. "What did a mischievous scamp like me do to deserve an angel like you?" 

  Mobius was turning redder with each word. He was glad the lamp was off. "I suppose you were attracted to my wings," he joked.

  Loki snorted. "Or lack of them, as much as you trip and fall over stuff." 

  "Hey, you're the one that fell for me!" 

  "Nuh-uh! You fell first! Literally!" 

  "Oh c'mon, I saw you checking me out at the office from day one!" 

  The god scoffed. "I would never!" 

  "Scamp!" 

  "Lawyer!" 

  "Snake!" 

  "Same thing!" Loki exclaimed. 

  Mobius grinned. "Well I guess we aren't so different, then. Let's go to sleep." 

  The two chuckled, then Loki cuddled closer to Mobius, savoring his warmth. "Goodnight, Moby." 

  The lawyer smiled uncontrollably at the nickname. "Goodnight, Lokes." The pair drifted off into a peaceful sleep.