they say it'll get better. they say it'll stop. they say i have people who love me. they say they'll miss me. but will they? will they really? they say that now until they're identified as my "friends." and suddenly, they don't miss me. and i just become a distant memory. "that girl." i'll be "that girl." 

i look around at the people i call friends. do they love me? will they remember me weeks after? i have fun with them, i laugh with them, and they distract for a time being. and yet, when i get home, everything comes crashing back onto me. i look around and i know i should feel grateful. i have so much. so much. do i not realise it? am i not as grateful as i think? i count my blessings. i think how lucky i am compared to others. i have a family. i have friends. i have an education. so why do i feel like this? why do i feel like i need to leave? why am i not more grateful? 

and so, i punish myself. 

again.

and again.

but i never truly get it because i keep thinking the same thing over and over again. my heart aches so bad, i lie in bed and pray for it to stop hurting. my soul feels empty. maybe i am empty. maybe i've been empty for a long time and i never noticed. 

and as i lie in my bed, praying my heart will stop hurting and wondering where my soul is, i still wish and i hope. and pray they are right.

 "it will get better"

it 

will

get

better