im sorry for not always being there for you and being the best friend i can be to you. im sorry if i make u feel used. but i have to ask you: am i pathetic? because i definitely feel like i am and i definitely know my parents think i am since they tell me that all the time... Im pathetic, im a quitter, im a monster, what's wrong with you? my mom screamed that im a monster how many times in my face; they both call me pathetic and a quitter. I asked him if im pathetic and he said no, that i hide my feelings too much for that. then he said i should prove them wrong if i think they're wrong or i should just accept im pathetic if i cant change.... should i just accept it ? i mean, i guess ive already accepted it, ive been told i am how many times. im a nobody. honestly a broken nobody.

lately ive been thinking about my existence and if it's worth it and ive been thinking about him and how, yes he says dumb things and makes dumb mistakes but i love him for tht and i dont think he knows how much i do love him. i think a big part of tht comes from me not being loved for so long, i just automatically love everybody cuz everyone should feel loved. ive thought about how i dont deserve him and how fucking pathetic i am.

if i left... who would actually miss me? Yeah, I know some would be sad for a while, and perhaps a little longer, but they get over it. everybody i know forgets about me. i dont think im worthy of being on this earth, in this place, with someone who is one of the most special ppl to me. And i dont know if I can change, to "prove them wrong" because its just been so long. I wish I could. I wish i could stand up for myself. I wish i didnt cry myself to sleep. I wish i was so much more. but im not. and i know it. or i think i do. people tell me it'll get better and yeah, maybe it does but after a while, when it doesnt, the words just pass right over my head. i feel so empty inside. And sad. and scared and lonely.

im sry for bothering u with my burdens and pathetic ways. im sry if it feels like im using u. im sry for a lot of things. but thx for at least listening and putting up with me.