A/N: This chapter discusses some dark ideas. The paragraphs between the * are the ones that describe things that may be triggering. Please, your mental health is important, YOU are important. I might not respond right away but if you ever need anyone to talk to, I will always listen. 

I'd spent the last two days existing in almost complete silence. Acting like a shadow, only coming out when I knew everyone was either nose deep in some task, out patrolling or if they were sleeping. I hated having to walk on eggshells after Noah blew up at Declan and hearing how he really feels about me being here. I could only imagine that Ben and Paul must feel the same. I couldn't bring myself to be around them. Make them have to look me in the eye knowing Ben's sister is still out there and Noah's brother is probably hanging by his wrists from the ceiling of the basement at Moriarty's Bar.

* This has sent me mentally spiraling to a depth I've never been to. I always felt like an outcast growing up. In my small group of friends, I was always the quiet one who just seemed to tag along with everyone rather than be a part of the group. At home it wasn't much different, Dad was so preoccupied with Isabella and Alex that he barely even spoke to me. I felt invisible. Worthless. There were so many times I wanted to run away, convincing myself no one would even notice I was missing.

Declan hasn't spoken a single word to me. He's maybe looked in my general direction twice since the other night which has only been adding to my feeling of being completely unwanted. Couple this with seeing the images of that night every time I see or hear Declan speak.

The inner voice in my head was starting to say some dark things. I'd heard these whispers when I was younger. Hell, I even wrote a note saying my goodbyes and apologizing for them having to clean up the mess but I never acted on it. I held a serrated knife to my wrist, applied pressure but just as the red started to trickle out, I pictured my Dad's face and stopped. I felt like to him I was a disappointment, but I didn't want to disappoint him. I ended up burning the letter a few weeks later to make sure they never found it when things quieted in my mind and I felt the warmth return.

Since then, since choosing to live, it got easier to quiet the voice. But now? Now it wasn't a voice. It was a violent scream that echoed off the walls of my mind. Consuming me.

* I've been spending as much time as possible away from them in the unused portion of the building. A few days ago I'd grabbed a few packs of smokes, a tattered notebook and a pencil and have been staying busy by drawing and chain-smoking. Emo, high school me would be in paradise.

Chuckling bitterly to myself, I lit another cigarette and adjusted the lantern I was using so I could see the page in front of me. When I concentrated on what I was drawing the screams quieted but the restlessness remained.

I need to get away from here. From them. I don't want them to risk their lives for me and if I stayed here any longer, I'm scared that this oppressive feeling might make me act out and push me further then the last time.

Wishful thinking, but maybe I could go to Anatoli and tell him all that I know. Tell him that Declan has no part in this, that it's all Desmond who wants to take over their business. They should focus their attack on him and his nephew, Nick and leave Declan and the boys alone.

Hell, maybe I can even steal the thumbdrive from Declan and take it to him. Declan has to have, it has to be around here somewhere.

The wheels in my head started turning.

"Hey Scars." Noah called from somewhere behind me making me yelp in surprise, more so from fearing that he could hear my treasonous thoughts.

Turning back to see him walking with the light of his phone to lead the way I gave him a half smile while I hurried to hide what I was drawing. "Hey."

Noah came to sit next to me on the ground, crossing his legs and resting his back against the wall. He smiled down at me and pulled his pack of smokes from the front pocket of his hoodie then turned off the light on his phone.

"I want to apologize," He started.

I waved my hand to tell him to stop. "You don't need to apologize. I can't imagine how you feel seeing me here and not knowing anything about your brother."

"Yea, but it doesn't mean I should have acted that way. I was being a dickbag."

I snorted at his comment. "You were, but it was merited."

"Right. A merited bag of dicks." Noah laughed, taking a drag of his cigarette.

We sat in silence, looking out into the pi tch black in front of us, unsure of what to say. Finishing my own cig, I flicked the butt out into the darkness, seeing the sparks of the remaining cherry burst out around it when it hit the ground and then expire. An awkward silence surrounded us making the air seem thick.

He was the first to speak. "How are you doing in all of this?"

I scoffed. There was no way I could tell him how I was actually feeling. "I'm not sure."

Noah nodded his head. "You wanna talk about it?"

"Would it sound stupid if I said I don't even know what to talk about?"

He hummed, rubbing his chin for a moment. "Well, let's start with this, how are you feeling not being in the psych ward anymore?"

I laughed bitterly. "I feel like I escaped one prison for another."

"Okay, but the food here has to be better." He joked making me genuinely smile.

"I'll give you that."

The feelings of tension between us was starting to slip away leaving me feeling relaxed for the first time in days. I could feel my tensed shoulders start to fall while we sat together. Noah finished his smoke and mimicked my actions, flicking it out into the void.

"He was a mess without you." Noah said after a few moments of peaceful silence. "A real emo nutcase."

"Oh God, did he send you?" I snapped, rolling my eyes.

"He told us what happened that night." He said, looking down at me from the corner of his eyes.

I shook my head, not wanting to talk about this but I had the feeling I wasn't going to be able to avoid it.

"He took away my choice, Noah." I started, my voice trembling slightly. "Jay was an absolute monster. He needed to pay for what he did, not only to me but his girlfriend and whoever else he hurt, but death? And I was the one who pulled the trigger." Bringing my knees up to my chest, I bowed my head and put my elbows on them, running my fingers through my hair at the top of my head.

"He deserved it." Noah answered.

I put my face in my hands, willing myself to not cry. "You sound like him." I said, my voice muffled from talking into my palms.

He put his hand on my back, rubbing up and down gently to try and keep me from crying. I was so sick of crying. Straightening myself up, I took in a deep breath through my nose and let it out through parted lips. My lungs ached as I did so signaling that I've had way too many cigarettes.

"Am I being stupid?"

"I don't think so. It was a traumatic thing. Just understand that it could have gone a lot worse. He could have taken you to Alex or finished what he tried to do before. You did it to save yourself and honestly, you saved others." He leaned over and put his arm around me in a quick, tight hug.

Sniffling back my tears that I managed to hold back, I gave him a smile. I appreciated his words. Not that Dr. Zaccardi was trying to help me but in a few short words, Noah had helped more than three months of constant therapy sessions.

"So, Allie, huh?" I asked between sniffles, cocking a brow at him.

Noah groaned at the mention of her. I mean, how could he not expect me to ask him since we were now apparently spilling our guts. Leaning forward, he rested his elbows on the inside of his knees. His head fell so his chin was to his chest, making an audible sigh.

"It's complicated." He sighed.

"Story of my life." I laughed, nudging his side.

Noah took a moment, collecting his thoughts before he started to explain. "My brother has a coke problem. He dug himself in a deep hole with a dealer for the Russians. I went to settle his tab and try and get him to blacklist my brother but there was no way in hell he was gonna stop selling to my brother, he was making a ton of money off him. We struck up a deal, the dealer and I, I'd pay off my brother's debt and pay him 3k a week to get him to cut off my brother.

"So for the past few months, I've been going to this shitty little bar to pay off this mother fucker and one night I happened to run into this girl. I'm sure you can put two and two together. Long story short, I found out she got herself into some deep shit with the Bratva. I was able to at least keep an eye on her, make sure nothing bad happened to her but right before shit hit the fan things started to get worse, more serious and now I'm sitting around here, fucking helpless.

"She was saying some shit the other morning that had be pissed off and honestly, fucking terrified for her. Add in my brother and having to sit by while they have him who knows where... I lost my shit. I had to go and see her." He explained.

Noah shifted uncomfortably, picking up his phone from where he had it on the ground next to him. He thumbed the lock button making the screen light up.

"I'm scared she's going to text me saying that she's in trouble and I won't be able to get to her." He puts his phone down once he sees there are no new messages. "Honestly, I'm more scared when she doesn't text me, I spiral."

He sighed out in frustration, running his hands through his hair. "Look, don't tell Declan about me having to pay weekly for my brother. He doesn't know that, okay?"

"Yea, I won't tell him." It's not like we're talking anyways.

Pulling my lip in between my teeth I watch Noah's face. I can see him already starting to come up with fake scenarios making his features start to twist and tighten as his imagination runs wild.

"I wish I could trade places." I said, putting my hand on his to try and pull him from his thoughts.

"I hate being here while your brother and Ben's sister are out there. I feel so fucking guilty whenever I'm around you three, that I'm here and they're not. I just want to-" I stopped myself before I could say anything.

Looking back down at the dirt covered floor, Noah gave me a sad smile. "Don't feel guilty. You were in trouble, Scars. They had you locked up in a cell, being drugged every day to keep you compliant. They were threatening you to try and get you to narc on us. You needed to be saved."

Noah took a cigarette from his pack and put it between his lips before offering one to me. I declined and I swore I could hear my lungs cry in relief.

"Declan missed me, huh?" I could feel my heart swell at the thought of him actually missing me, of him actually having feelings for me. However, as soon as the thought came the unnerving voice was there to crush it, reminding me of all of the mental manipulation I went through the past six months because of him.

I felt my heart sink in my chest like lead.

Turning to face me, he arched his brow with a sly smile on his face. I quickly tried to push away the depressing thoughts and smiled back at him, hoping he didn't see the change in my demeanor.

"Oh, you have no idea." He spoke, trying to hold back his hysterics. "It was sad, really. I swear whenever he entered a room I could hear Bill Withers singing Ain't no sunshine when she's gone from somewhere in the background."

I burst out laughing at Noah's dramatic description of Declan and his horrible impersonation of Bill Withers. The mental image he painted of Declan moping around only had me laughing until my sides hurt.

God, I needed this. I can barely remember the last time I laughed like this. Thinking back, my mind landed on that night back home where Chris, Joe, Sam, Connor and I were sitting around Joe's fire pit. How we were all laughing at whatever stupid conversations we were having. Especially Chris and his absurd theory on my dad's shipping container holding evidence about aliens.

Then I remembered Jay at my door and my laughter stopped.

I closed my eyes tightly, trying to rid myself of the embarrassment and regret. I could have stopped that before it even happened. I could have slammed the door closed, broke his fingers and been done with it but no. I had to be the stupid, passive child that I am.

Now look where it's got me.

Noah hadn't noticed I'd fallen into my own thoughts. His laughter was cut short by the blaring alarm coming from his watch. He worked quick to silence it by pressing the flashing button on the screen.

"It's that time again." He sighed, getting up on his feet. He took a long drag from his cigarette before saying, "Sentry duty."

My brows furrowed. "But I thought Ben takes the night watch?"

Noah nodded his head. "He does but he and Paul are out on a top secret mission to get us food."

Thinking he was being his normal sarcastic self, I gave him a sarcastic laugh in return.

"No, really. They're all looking for us, we gotta stay away from the city. Hell, Declan won't even let us go to the surrounding towns like New Hope to shop. We have to go way out of the way just to make sure we don't run into anyone." He complained.

"Where's Declan?" I asked, realizing it would be just the two of us until Ben and Paul got back. A uneasy knot started to tighten in my stomach.

Noah shrugged his shoulders in response, blowing out the smoke from his lungs. "Beats me. He's been locked away somewhere since this afternoon."

Looking back down at me and seeing me sink back against the wall he paused. "You gonna be okay, Scars?"

Even though I shook my head yes, I didn't believe myself. It was nice of Noah to come and talk to me. This was the first time I've spoken to anyone in days and honestly I needed it before things got worse. Our conversation has put me somewhat at ease, I no longer feel like he hates my guts and I feel like I can start being around Ben and Paul again.

However, I still have a heavy, looming cloud hanging over me named Declan.

When Noah left, I stayed in my little corner of the building. Thinking, plotting. Anatoli is after me because I need to give over my dad's company and all of his files against him and Desmond. I am the reason for all of this. If I give Anatoli what he wants, I could end this all. If I hand myself over, all of their lives would be spared.

Declan

I've spent days hidden away from everyone, formulating exactly what our next moves are going to be. We've created uncertainty between both houses which is all well and good and according to what Noah had said, per this girl Alie, the Russian's are now planning an attack on Desmond. But I can't sit around here and hope they destroy each other from the inside. I need to fan this fire.

Wiping the sweat from my brow with the back of my hand, I reached for my water bottle on the floor next to me. Grabbing it, I squeezed the bottle with my fist so the water would come out faster as I chugged, gulping down as much as I could. Pulling it from my lips, water droplets spilled down from my chin and onto my already soaked shirt. I put it down next to me and fell forward onto the ground. I caught myself right before I hit the concrete floor and started another set of push-ups. Chevelle's music was blasting from my phone that was next to me, helping me stay focused on what I was doing.

Ben had pulled up everything he could on Noah's girl, Alie. She's a newer hire at The Afterlife, a club in Portland owned by the Bratva. According to Ben, she seems to have the eye of the owner of The Afterlife, being made to serve him privately whenever he has company at the club. The club is a mecca for their drug clientele, more specifically Noah's older brother, Johnny. Noah had come to me that night at Moriarty's, when he drug us out to karaoke, asking me for a loan to help pay off his brother's debt. He must have ran into her that night he went to pay up for his brother.

I hope to God Noah wasn't being an idiot and going to that club since he paid his brother's debt, visiting this girl. If they've seen him with her on more than one occasion then he's on their radar. Especially if the owner also has a liking for Alie. If they do any digging and find out Noah's a part of the Malone crime family or that he's been excommunicated then he's going to be in a world of trouble.

"Fuck." I groaned, sucking in air as I sat back on my haunches. Looking down at my phone, I pressed the button to light up the screen. 8:47. I had sent Paul and Ben out to get more food and provisions and Noah was about to go out on watch until the two of them get back leaving just myself and Scarlett.

I blew out a breath through my mouth before I lunged forward again, catching myself with my outstretched hands and started yet another set of push-ups. I could see the sweat from my forehead dripping down onto the floor around my line of vision as I pushed through the burning feeling in my triceps. I'd lost count after my seventh set.

Choking Game came on and in an attempt to not think about her, I started to aggressively sing along.

"Laws young son you'll learn this well, like salt in wounds, stings like hell..."

I made it past the first verse before my mind went crawling back to her.

I've been doing everything in my power not to go to her. I've already caught myself a few times mindlessly walking to that end of the building where she's been hiding out the past two days but before I can get close enough that she notices, I force myself to stop. I thought physically killing myself with a workout would keep me from going to her but now the thought of being alone with her has my mind on fucking overdrive. It's like every fiber of my being is pulling me to her, to pull her into my arms and make her talk to me.

It's just the two of us now. She'd have no one to run to, she'd have to talk to me. Goddamn it, I sound like a Psychopath.

My arms were shaking from overexertion and before I could sit up, I collapsed onto the ground, knocking my forehead off of the ground. Rolling over onto my back with a grunt, I laid there looking up at the ceiling. The sweat stinging my eyes as it rolled down my face.

I don't regret what happened that night, Jay dying. He needed to. But I'm starting to regret putting the gun in her hand. This is the one, solitary action that has put this wedge between us. I understand that it was traumatizing and I knew I needed to give her her space but it was killing me, her avoiding me and not really listening to me when I explained what really happened that night. She did try to talk to me the other night but with Noah missing, she had to understand my mind wasn't even in the same damn building.

Covering my face with my hands, I took in a deep breath, inflating my lungs until they burned then let it go. This is for the best, I told myself. I've been telling myself from the beginning to get a hold of my feelings, that this is the last thing I need. And now look where we are, look what's all happened. Worrying if she loves me is the last fucking thing that should be consuming my mind.

The song caught my attention again and I started to hum along before I mouthed along with the words. "Violent circling, immortal my body,"

Screw it. She's held up on the other side of the factory, doing what the fuck ever and that's how it's going to be until all of this is over. I've kept my word, she's safe, like I promised her so she can't throw that in my face. We can exist on opposite ends until either she wants to speak to me or I get my goddamn head back on straight and I'm no longer obsessing over some broad.

Taking my hands from my face, I opened my eyes just as I heard the door to the room open. I shot up to my feet, my fists clenched as I lunged to the door ready to attack whoever the hell was here. I ripped the door open wider and saw a terrified Scarlett stumbling back, her back hitting off the wall behind her.

I felt the muscles on my body relax as much as possible when I realized I wasn't in danger and then the regret hit me like a baseball bat to the stomach. The poor girls eyes were as wide as dinner plates and I could see her face pale.

"Christ, Scarlett, I'm sorry I thought... I didn't think you would be coming here." I said, trying to calm my breathing.

"S-sorry, I'll go," her voice was quiet and mousey and I could see her closing in on herself.

I took a step towards her and saw her flinch away. My eyes rolled back while my lids shut. A burning, primal rage took hold of me. I never wanted to see her scared of me again.

"I knew we were alone int he building and I wasn't expecting you to come in here. I thought you could have been someone trying to attack me. Please, I'm not mad at you." I clarified.

"Yea, no... I, I get it." She stammered, looking down at her fingers that were fidgeting with her sweatshirt. "You look busy, I'll leave you to it."

"I'm not busy." My voice sounded urgent.

Taking her bottom lip between her teeth, her eyes traveled up my sweat soaked shirt before finally looking me in the eyes. "I um, I just came up to grab some fresh clothes. I was going to take a shower."

I moved out of the doorway, holding out my arm for her to come in.

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