-Luke-

I woke up with this weird, happy feeling inside me. I opened my eyes and stared at the wall right in my face, trying to get my head working. A sudden jolt went through my body when I remembered Troy had fallen asleep right next to me, and I hurried to turn around to see him.

But he wasn't there. I stared at the empty spot next to me, and the happiness was long gone. How many times had this happened to me? How many good, amazing dreams had I had during the past year? Once there was a time when I had so horrible nightmares about Hell and death that I woke up screaming and never wanted to go to sleep.

After meeting Troy, those dreams changed. They were amazing; we were always together, and I had felt real happiness. But it had gotten harder and harder for me to wake up and see that he wasn't there. The dreams weren't real.

I could have sworn he was there in my room last night, but it had happened so many times before. Another amazing dream, nothing more. I wasn't sure how many times I could do that anymore. I was getting too weak to fight. For years, all I had wanted was death, and not a day went by when I didn't try to make excuses for why I shouldn't die. It would be so easy to end it all. It was so hard to keep going.

I stood up and looked around, but Troy wasn't there. There was no second bed. His bag was gone. I saw no trace of him.

"Just a dream..." I whispered, feeling so empty and sad and tired.

I made my way into my bathroom and opened the small cabinet that was filled with my meds. I saw my reflection in the mirror and stared at the ugly piece of shit that was me.

"He's Satan's spawn! He wasn't supposed to be born! He's an abomination! Satan is turning us into wicked creatures! Look at Gerry! Satan has filled his mind with this bullshit! He thinks he's a woman! Abomination! We must get rid of Evil's influence right now! Or God will punish us!"

"What the hell are you doing?! Let go of my son! Lucy!"

"He's not human! He's evil! He's not your son! He's an abomination! He's a demon! He needs to be killed or we all will be punished! Look at your husband! Can't you see it?! You gave birth to this evil and now he has corrupted Gerry's mind! He will do the same to all of us!"

I looked at the army of bottles in the cabinet. Why did I even try? I knew she was telling the truth. I could feel anger and hate inside me. It would be for the best for everyone if I just died.

I took the first bottle and opened it. If I ate them all, it should do the trick. I was too deep in the darkness, and Troy wasn't there to shine a light at me. He would never be there, not really. Only in my dreams.

"Luke..."

I took the first pill and hesitated before I swallowed the second one. After that, it became easier. I just wanted to get out. I was done. I was finally done.

"Hey, dude..."

Something touched my side, but when I turned to see what it was, there was nothing. Maybe the pills had started destroying my body already. Maybe that was what I felt.

"Shh... it's all right..."

I felt dizzy and horrible, but at the same time, it felt like someone was holding me. It was probably Death.

"Luke...?"

I opened my eyes and stared at the wall right in front of my face. At first, I had no idea what was going on around me, but then I realized I was still in my bed. Sometimes, it was so fucking hard to tell the difference between dreams and reality.

"Luke?"

I turned to look at the green eyes I loved so much. Troy looked worried and, for some reason, sad. He was holding me, resting his chin on my shoulder and caressing my chest soothingly. I couldn't believe he was actually there. I wanted to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming this time, but I feared I would wake up for the third time, and he would be gone again.

"Did you have a nightmare?" he asked quietly, and I realized I'd been crying in my sleep.

I hurried to wipe my face dry and looked away so he wouldn't see me like that. Why was I such a big mess?

"Luke?" Troy spoke my name again, but I couldn't say anything. He waited for a moment, but I was too ashamed of myself to even form a thought at that moment. Then he hugged me tighter and rested his head against mine. I could feel his lips on my shoulder. "I cry too sometimes," he said quietly.

I turned to look at him, and he rewarded me with a smile. "Why?"

"When I'm lonely," he said with a shrug. "When I'm scared."

"What are you scared of?" I asked, and he placed his hand on my cheek, moving his thumb on my skin.

"That no one cares. I don't have anyone to turn to. I have Max, of course, but I don't have... He's not my parent. I can count on him, but there are times when I really could use a parent. My dad obviously doesn't count as one... I just... Sometimes I feel like I'm completely alone in this world, and no one to take care of me, and it just freaks me out..."

"You have me now," I said, trying not to sound too hopeful, because I really didn't know if I was his, or if he was mine.

I guess I wasn't completely wrong, since his smile grew wider, and he pecked my cheek. "Yeah... But, I think my point was that it's all right if you want to cry. I don't want you to hide anything from me."

"I don't cry," I said before I could stop myself. "I mean, I do that in my sleep, but..."

He was silent for a moment before he spoke carefully. "I know you want people to see you as a big badass, but I want you to know I like this sweet and soft version of you more. Don't get me wrong, badass is good too, but I like the true version of you the best."

"What makes you think my true version is sweet and soft?" I asked.

"I do have eyes, you know," he smirked. "You can't hide your true self from me."

"I guess you're right," I muttered. I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not, because part of me still didn't believe he would love the true me with all my flaws, but then he kissed me, and when his soft lips moved across my own, it didn't seem such a bad idea, after all.

*****

"So, any plans for today?" My mom asked while we were all gathered in our kitchen for breakfast.

"Well, I need to go get Bella from Sky, so I suppose we're hanging out with them today?" I said tentatively, looking at Troy.

"Sounds great," he said.

"I bet she'll go crazy when she sees you," Mom said with a smile. "She's such a happy little dog."

"Mom misses Bella probably more than I do," I told Troy, who chuckled.

"She always knows how to brighten up the mood," Mom said. "She's such a goof..."

"That she sure is," Gwen laughed. "With those big ears and that wide smile..."

"Dragging all those toys for us to throw..."

"Running around as fast as she can..."

"And that thing she does with the ball, when we don't pay attention..."

"Yeah when she throws it at us until we play with her..."

I rolled my eyes in amusement when my parents talked about the damn dog. I did have to admit that I missed her, too. It was weird being home, and she wasn't following me around wherever I went.

"We'll go get her home," I promised.

Once we had finished our breakfast, I went to find my keys. Troy followed me around, and he seemed interested in the pictures we had in our house. When I asked him about it, he just gave me a small smile, and said, "I'm trying to find a picture where you are smiling," he said quietly.

"Why?" I asked with a frown.

"Because there doesn't seem to be one," he muttered, and his smile vanished when he turned to look at me.

I looked at the pictures in our second-floor hallway. "I guess I don't show my emotions that much."

"That much?" he repeated in a mutter, looking around.

I chuckled at him, but it died away soon. I never had much to be happy about. I had always been too tired to have any other emotions.

"Your mom said you sleep better when there's someone in the room with you," Troy suddenly said. "Did you sleep well last night?"

"Truthfully? Yeah, I think I did," I said.

"But you still had a nightmare," he said with worry in his voice.

"I'm still not sure if it was a nightmare..." I muttered before I could stop myself.

"What do you mean?"

I sighed and looked at him. He was standing only a foot away from me. "It's just hard to tell the reality and dreams apart, I guess..."

He stepped closer to me, and his frown grew deeper. "This is real. Whatever the dream you had was, it was not real."

"Or then this is real, but still just a dream," I said, and tried to walk into my room, but he stopped me by grabbing my hand.

"I'll go ahead and assume it's not going to be easy to date a guy who is suffering from insomnia and depression, but I want you to know that this is very much real."

"Why would you want to date a guy like me then?" I asked, shaking his hand off me. "You've seen me. You know about my flaws and I've even hit you!"

I stepped into my room, and he followed me in, closing the door behind him.

"Luke–"

"No, I don't smile because I don't have anything to smile about! I have vivid nightmares about hell and demons, and this morning I dreamed about killing myself! I don't know how to play video games, I'm bad with people, I get angry and frustrated easily, I have migraines that leave me sick for days! I'm no fun to be around, and I had to ask your friends where to take you on our first date!"

I never meant to say anything like that. When I finally managed to shut my mouth, I felt scared. If I hadn't screwed anything up before, now I definitely did it.

"He says with an angry voice, trying to scare me away," Troy spoke quietly, taking a step toward me. "But at the same time his eyes say please love me."

I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I'd lost my voice and for the first time in a long time, I just wanted to cry. Maybe I did. When he wrapped his arms around me and pressed my head on his shoulder, I think I did.

"I know a jackpot when I see one," Troy whispered in my ear.

-Troy-

The ice-cold Luke Frost. That was what people called him. Solid as a mountain. Hard as a rock. Now, he was nothing like that. I felt like I was holding a crumbling statue in my arms. It was the first time I fully realized how bad things really were. He was not well. He was far from it.

I had to be honest with myself. Depressed and suicidal partner was something I didn't want. I wanted everything to be happy and cheerful and fun. It was like I had abandoned daylight and stepped into this twilight zone of sadness and misery, and I didn't like it here. It was overwhelming, something I was not prepared for.

I could just walk away. It would be so easy to just say, 'whelp, good luck with the rest of your obviously short life', and be done with it. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask any of this.

But it wasn't an option. One day, I was just minding my own business, then life came along, tapping my shoulder, saying, 'do you see that guy over there? He's really important to you now, so good luck'. How could I ever turn my back on him? How could I unwrap my arms and leave?

Luke called me his sunshine. He said I brought light into his darkness. Right now, we were deep in his darkest places, and it scared me, but I wasn't going to let it intimidate me. I wasn't afraid of the dark. I was the sunshine, after all.

"Dude, you've put some weird thoughts in my head," I muttered.

"I didn't know crying men turns you on," he mumbled against my shoulder, and I blushed.

"That's not what I was thinking!" I hurried to say. "You're awful..."

"Then what were you thinking?" he asked without moving an inch.

"I don't know... I got some weird images of myself in battle armor made of sunlight, swinging my sword at monsters of darkness or something..." I told him quietly.

He snorted, and I could hear a hint of amusement in his voice when he spoke. "That's funny. That's how I usually see you."

I smiled and pulled away, but he let go of me and turned around, hiding his face before I could see it.

"Dude, please don't hide from me," I begged him.

He just stood there, looking somewhere down at the floor, so I stepped in front of him. He refused to move an inch, so I didn't force him to. I just placed my hand on his shoulder and pressed my head against the top of his, taking in the scent of his shampoo, giving him the time to recollect himself. I was just following my instincts, because I didn't know what else to do.

I started to understand why he thought I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He was broken and hurt, so the bar wasn't set too high. He deserved so much more, so much better, than me.

When he finally looked up at me again, his eyes were red. He took a deep breath, and he seemed somehow relaxed. Embarrassed, but relaxed.

"You weren't supposed to see that," he muttered. "You must think I'm–"

"I think I was supposed to see that," I interrupted him. "And I want you to know I'm not scared that easily."

It was the truth, but I wasn't stupid. Everyone knew about his temper, and I already knew that even I wasn't safe from it. Thankfully, I wasn't a small guy, and I could take a hit, so I wasn't that worried about it. But that didn't mean I had what it takes to handle a guy like him. There was so much more to him than just occasionally violent behavior.

"Do you... think about suicide?" I asked carefully. He looked away again, and didn't reply to me. He didn't even need to. The look I saw in his eyes told me enough. This was way beyond what I had ever thought about him. "Why?"

"Because I'm fed up. I'm tired. Tired of hiding and tired of pain and tired of just about everything. Everything else except you," he spoke quietly. "If it wasn't for you, I'd be long gone by now..."

"You said you're doing better now," I whispered.

He was silent for a long time. I was an emotional wreck at that point. This guy wanted to die?

"I am," he eventually said and sighed. "Honestly, I am doing better, I'm just... I guess that dream I had just freaked me out or something..."

I walked in front of him and hugged him tightly, feeling relieved, but still so, so worried. "This is real, all right? Remember that. And, since you belong to me now, you're not allowed to hurt yourself in any way, got it?"

He chuckled lightly and hugged me back. "Anything you say."

"Good," I said and pulled away to take a look at his face. This time, he didn't try to hide his puffy, red eyes from me. "Truthfully, I have a good feeling about this. About us, and if you... if you do something like that... I just wish you'll come to me if you ever have those thoughts, okay?"

His expression had turned serious, and when I stopped speaking, he nodded. I gave him a smile and brushed my hand through his hair, and it didn't take long before I was rewarded with that rare smile of his. Then he rested his chin on my shoulder and hugged me tighter than ever before. He took a deep breath and sighed contently. It reminded me of that time when he had asked me to hug him and pretend that I loved him.

"This is not pretend," I whispered.

I had no idea how, why, or when, but it was not pretend anymore.