-Luke-

It was almost five in the evening when I stepped out of the shower. I grabbed a towel and started drying my hair hastily. I had spent the entire day thinking about Troy and the date, wishing so hard that everything would go all right. It was the only chance I had – if I screwed up, it all would be over.

I had never been so nervous in my entire life. I feared I would end up having another migraine before I could even go pick up Troy, so I took a pill in hopes it would prevent the attack. Then I took another one for my anxiety. Before I closed the door of my medicine cabinet, I glared at the sea of bottles I had in there. I had to drug myself just to go out on a date. I was already high on painkillers because my knee refused to calm down. I was far from an ideal boyfriend, and it wouldn't take long for Troy to see that.

I closed the door and saw my reflection in the mirror. I saw nothing special, just a guy with pale skin and a bunch of flaws. I saw a guy who had the nerve to ask Troy out, even though he knew it would put him in an awkward position. Troy was too nice to say no, and I had taken advantage of it. I should have just called it off and let him off the hook, but I was a selfish bastard – another proof I was the worst scum who ever lived.

I took a deep breath and leaned against the sink. I tried to wash those thoughts out of my head, but it wasn't easy when a part of me believed it all. I had been told numerous times most of my problems existed because of my sleeping problems, but what if I was being punished? What if God Himself never wanted me to be born, and because I had escaped death, He was now making my life a living hell. Maybe He knew I was evil and I would end up doing something horrible – my ugly personality was a good proof of that.

I clenched my hands around the cool surface of the sink and pressed my eyes shut. I had problems, and I had flaws, and on top of that, I was delusional enough to think that God wanted me dead. I was such a catch. When Troy would find out about what kind of a person I truly was, he would run away from me as fast as he could, and he was our fastest runner.

I sighed and let go of the sink. I walked out of my bathroom and a new wave of nervousness hit me when I saw a bunch of clothes on my bed. I kind of had a crazed I-don't-have-anything-to-wear fit the day before, so I went to buy a new hoodie from the mall after school. It was a simple red hoodie with gray sleeves, and it was warm enough to be used without a jacket. But, when it was lying on my bed, it looked just like any other rag I owned.

The longer I stared at the hoodie, the worse it looked, but I had no choice but to wear it. I didn't have time to go get a new one, and my old ones were out of the question. I usually wasn't so picky about the clothes I was wearing, but there was nothing usual about that day. I had a date with Troy. I had a date with Troy. I still couldn't believe it.

"Sky, I hope you're right..." I sighed and grabbed the best jeans I had.

I did trust the Shrimp, but I couldn't say the same about myself. Sky had helped me to plan our date, and he was sure Troy would have fun. I agreed he would most likely have a great time if his date wasn't me.

Once again, I gave myself a mental slap, trying to focus on the positive things. My negativity was getting out of hand – it was one of the qualities I hated about myself – and it never ended well if I let my thoughts go down that path. I had to believe the night would go well. So, with that in mind, I got dressed and tried to fix my hair, even though there wasn't much to fix – I had naturally curly hair, and I had to keep it short so I wouldn't look ridiculous.

When I grabbed my deodorant, I heard a knock on my door.

"Can I come in?" I heard my mom asking, and I went to open the door for her. "Someone's looking handsome today," she smiled warmly while stepping into my room.

"Like I said – I'm going out with a friend," I told her.

"Yes, like you said," she said and failed to hide her amused smile – she knew very well I had a date. "Is this new?" she asked and swiped the non-existing dust off my hoodie.

"Yeah," I grunted.

"It looks good on you," she smiled and stopped to stare at me. "So, I'm assuming this friend of yours is that boy who was here the other day?"

"Troy – yeah..." I muttered, even though she knew his name very well.

"Troy," she repeated with a wide smile. "He seemed like a nice boy. A special friend."

"Did you have something, or did you just come here to make fun of me?" I asked in irritation, and her smile vanished.

"I'm not making fun of you! God no!" she hurried to say. "I'm happy for you – I really am."

I shook my head and turned to look at the mirror. She should have learned by now that I was a complete failure in everything I did. I didn't want to make her worry, and I absolutely hated the expression she had on her face when I screwed up. She always looked so heart-broken every single time, almost like she blamed herself. Maybe she did, but it was never her fault.

"He... He doesn't know yet if he wants to date me," I told her truthfully – since she already knew what was going on, it was for the best if I told her the rest of the story, too.

"Oh? So... When you said that you're going out with him..." she trailed off.

"It's technically a date, but..." I trailed off, too.

"Oh, I see," she said slowly. "But he's gay too?"

"He's not sure," I sighed and ruffled my hair anxiously.

"But..." she frowned and continued hesitantly, "Does he know that it's a date?"

"Yeah."

"So, let me get this straight – he doesn't know if he's gay, but he's still going out on an actual date with you?"

"Yes," I nodded. "It's... complicated..."

"It doesn't seem that complicated," Mom said and smiled. She patted my arm and straightened my hood before she stepped towards the door. "Have fun on your date," she said before stepping out.

"Fun, huh...?" I sighed when she couldn't hear me.

I turned to look at the mirror one more time and saw a guy who didn't know how to have fun.

-Troy-

I was checking my clock so often it started to be annoying. I tried to focus on my homework, but how was I supposed to do that? All there was in my head was this grumpy quarterback. I stood up from my seat and fell backwards on my bed, letting out a huge sigh. I stared at the ceiling without moving, or even blinking.

"Luke..."

Luke this, Luke that... I saw him everywhere, even when he was miles away. During the past months, he had been on my mind most of the time, but I had no idea if it was a good or a bad thing. I didn't feel happy or jittery when I was thinking about him, only worried, anxious and ashamed. I wasn't sure if things had been different, if I had just told him yes when he asked me out for the first time. Maybe it was the regret that kept me from feeling happy. Maybe there was nothing but regret.

I really wished that my mom was there with me. I could have used her advice. I missed her so much, and not only because I loved her, but because she was my mother. My dad made sure I had food and clothes and went to school, but he wasn't that kind of a parent I could ask for advice in any matter. If he weren't such a homophobe, he would tell me right now that "I know you'll make the right decision," before walking away.

Most of the time it felt like I was raising myself, and I had no idea if I was doing a good job. No one expected anything from me. I had no curfews, no rules, nothing. I wasn't even sure if my dad would notice if I moved away without telling him. Even if he did, he would probably just say "You know what's best for you."

I sighed again. I had no idea if that was just my dad's coping mechanism, or if he pitied me for losing my mom, but he was distant. No one had ever cared about me ever since my mom died. I had no one to count on, no one who wanted to know if I was even alive, except for Max. I was so lucky to have that guy as my best friend. Without him I would have turned out differently – I knew I would. His over protectiveness was exactly what I had needed growing up, and that was why it had never bothered me.

A third sigh escaped my lips. Luke was like that, too. Towards me, anyway. Before he told me he had feelings for me, he was protective, but I had never paid any attention to it. After his confession, it all had started to make sense to me. I had always thought he was just being nice to the newcomers, being helpful and friendly to those who were younger than him, but now I could see that it was only me. And... I guess... In a way... I liked that.

I felt horrible for feeling like that. Max was my best friend, he was like a brother to me, but hanging with someone like him had its downs too. Like the fact that I was just his shadow, a guy who was always following the king around the school. I wasn't upset about it or anything, or so I wanted to believe, but having someone who could see only me...

That was probably the reason I hated myself so much. There was actually someone who noticed me in Max's shadow, and I had only tortured him. For four freaking months. I started dating Elisa without telling Luke about it. I couldn't even understand why. If I had thought that Elisa cared about me, it soon had become pretty obvious she didn't. I still stayed with her until she broke up with me. I remembered thinking she was the one for me. She was pretty and colorful and outgoing and a fun girl to hang out with overall.

I checked the time again and my stomach almost turned upside down when I realized I had less than thirty minutes left before Luke would come to pick me up.

I stood up in a hurry, only to realize there was nothing for me to do – I had been ready almost an hour ago – but I was too restless to stay still. I went into my bathroom and checked my reflection in the mirror for the millionth time. Seeing my own pale face made me chuckle, especially when I realized that no matter how fun Elisa was to hang out with, I had never felt that nervous around her.

I wanted to believe that it meant something. Something good.

I was interrupted when someone knocked on my door. I frowned and stepped out of my bathroom, making my way to the door. I was surprised to see my dad's fiancée, Stephanie, standing behind the door.

"Hi," she smiled, sounding a little nervous. "Your dad will be late, so I was wondering if the two of us should do something together?"

"I... I..." I stammered. My mind went completely blank for a moment, and not just because I was scared she would somehow find out I had a gay-date. I was also shocked to see her standing there. She had never really tried to get to know me before. "I'm going out with a friend," I said apologetically.

"Oh," she said and her smile trembled. "Okay."

"So..." I uttered, hoping she would take the hint and leave me alone.

"Raincheck then?" she asked.

"Uhh, sure," I nodded.

She nodded too and was about to leave, but then she turned to look at me again. "It's not a party, is it?" she asked timidly.

"What?"

"It's Friday," she said with an awkward smile. "And you seem to have your best clothes on, so I was just wondering..."

"No – I'm not going to a party," I said hastily, but she didn't look like she believed me – even I didn't believe myself since I had no idea what Luke had planned for the night.

"So, there's no... girls coming?" she asked.

"No, no, it's just me and Luke – he's the captain of my team, so..." I hurried to say, but then I figured it would be for the best if she thought I was going out to find girls. "I don't really know... He just wanted to hang out..."

"Okay..." she said slowly, and was silent for a moment, like she was trying to decide if she should speak, but then she made up her mind. "I know you're a smart boy, even though you and I haven't talked much. I just wish that you'll be safe, okay? You're still fifteen, and I know I'm not your parent, but alcohol–"

"It's nothing like that! We're not going to drink, okay? We're not going to a party, we'll just go grab something to eat and talk about the game that's coming up," I spoke, feeling really, really out of place somehow – I had never had to explain where I was going or what I was doing, but of course the second I had a date with Luke, she decided to act like she was my mom!

"Okay," she said, but she still didn't believe me. "Look, I know it's been rough for you, after losing your mom like that, but–"

"I'm fine," I told her, trying not to sound too rude, but I was getting annoyed with her. Thankfully, our doorbell rang at that moment, saving me from the situation. "That's Luke – I need to get going."

"O-Okay – just, stay safe, all right?" she said, while I went to grab my jacket.

"Sure," I muttered and grabbed my phone and my wallet. "Bye."

She stepped away from the door when I pushed past her and hurried downstairs. Luke was early, but I couldn't have been happier about it. The talk with Stephanie had been nothing but embarrassing, and I was glad it was over. That woman didn't even know me! Why would she care?

I opened the door, and my eyes landed on Luke, who gave me a shy smile. It was weird to see him without our team's jacket, and wearing just normal clothes instead. He looked more... polished than usual, and he seemed really nervous.

"Hi," he said slowly, checking me out from head to toe. "You look–"

"Let's get going," I interrupted him, hoping he wouldn't end that sentence while Stephanie was listening.

I grabbed him by the elbow and shut the door behind me, and started leading him back to his car. Luke followed me in silence, giving me worried looks. Once we were safely inside his car, I took a deep breath and leaned my head back against the seat.

"I'm sorry about that – dad's fiancée was listening..." I muttered.

"It's okay," Luke said quietly.

We both were silent for a moment before Luke cleared his throat and started his car. The atmosphere was closing in on freezing point, but I couldn't speak all of a sudden. That was it. The date had already started, and I had ruined the mood before I had even said 'hi' to him.

When Luke had backed his car down on the street, I opened my eyes and turned to look at him.

"Hi," I said silently.

"Hi," he repeated, and a small smile appeared on his lips.

I couldn't help but smile, too. I turned my face away from him and stared out into the darkening night.

"You look good," Luke said, and my smile grew bigger. "That's all I wanted to say..."

"Uhmmm, thanks?" I said and took a short glimpse of him. I wasn't sure if I should have returned the compliment, but it felt too weird to say stuff like that. To me he looked like... Luke. "So, where are we going?" I asked to change the subject.

"You'll see," he said, and I could hear a hint of nervousness in his voice. "I hope it's not stupid... I mean... I got help... with planning this..."

"So, if the date sucks we can just blame them, right?" I asked, and he chuckled a little.

"It was Sky," he said.

"Then we can definitely blame him – he'll understand," I joked, and earned a smile from him.

"I guess so," he mumbled in amusement.

I grinned too and took a deep, silent breath without him noticing. I really, really wished the night would go well, and I would finally be able to make up my mind. We didn't talk much while Luke was driving downtown; we just dwelled in that uncomfortable silence with no way out, and it was making me even more nervous. So far, it wasn't going too well, but it was comfortable to know that it could've been a lot worse.

At least I didn't hate being there, next to him.