-Luke-

It started raining while I walked home. Of course it did. I still had almost a thirty-minute walk ahead of me, but I didn't want to take the bus, in case... I didn't want to see him. He was always the first person I had in my mind when I woke up, and the last when I tried to fall asleep, but at that moment I wished he didn't exist.

"Troy..."

I broke my leg just a few weeks after starting junior year in high school, and Troy was the first one who signed my cast. That was also the first time I met him. I couldn't believe there could be a guy who would write their name on some stranger's cast just like that. But that was Troy, always friendly to everyone, no matter who they were. He was full of sunshine.

And ever since that day, he had been in my mind. I spent my entire junior year watching him from afar, slowly falling in love with him. I wasn't going to say anything to him, but it just slipped. I, of all people, told him how I felt, and regretted it immediately when I saw how uncomfortable my confession made him.

I still regretted it. It was the worst decision I had ever made. I didn't regret taking the chance, no, but he had been distant ever since. I knew he tried his best to avoid me. I knew every time I touched his hand he knew it wasn't an accident. Every time I tried to talk to him, he knew what I wanted from him, and he was careful with his words. Every time I tried to be close to him, he took a step away. Every time we were in a group, he made sure there was someone standing in between us.

The rain grew heavier, but I was close to my home already. I wished my parents weren't there. My mom was great at picking up my moods, and I wanted to be left alone. When I reached the gate of our yard, their cars weren't there. I sighed and walked to the front door, and when I opened it, I was immediately greeted by Bella, who was as energetic as always.

"Settle down," I spoke quietly, but she was way too happy to see me to even stand still.

She ran to get one of her toys, and she brought it to me as a welcome-gift.

"Not now..." I sighed and walked past her, feeling bad for not playing with her, but there was an empty void inside me, and I couldn't find the energy to do so.

I got up in my room and tossed my bag next to my desk before I sat down on the edge of my bed. My clothes were soaking wet, but I didn't care. For a long time, I just stared right in front of me, scratching Bella behind her ears when she sat down at my feet.

I kept telling myself to stop. I always tried to tell myself that it was stupid to keep hoping he would... What did I expect? I had no chances, I never had, but I still kept dreaming. It was agonizingly clear to me he would never give me a chance, but my heart just wouldn't give up hope. Not even now.

I stood up so fast that Bella got spooked, and I apologized to her on my way to the bathroom. I peeled off the wet clothes and stepped under the hot shower, feeling empty and miserable.

It was over now.

I sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall. My stupid mind trailed back to that one moment when I was allowed to hold Troy in my arms. I had thought it would be enough just to hold him for one minute. I had thought I could continue my life, knowing how it would feel like to have him, but it turned out to be the cruelest thing I had ever done to myself. When the minute was up, I almost couldn't find the strength to let go.

He hadn't said no though, so I kept dreaming. Even though I knew he would never go out with me, I still kept waiting in case he would change his mind.

I kept my promise to him, and I tried to act like I had never told him I liked him. Things were going pretty well, in my opinion. Troy didn't seem so wary of me anymore. I was able to relax around him and hide my longing for him. I kept telling myself to wait, and day after day, I did just that.

And then Sky came along.

Max was all over the geek right from the beginning, and then he and Troy started hanging out with him. Troy seemed to really like him, too. Whenever I saw them together, Troy was laughing and having fun with Sky. That was the first time when I realized even if Troy would turn out gay, he would prefer someone like Sky, not someone like me. I wasn't fun to hang out with. I wasn't even fun to talk to.

I was jealous. The new, weird kid got Troy's whole attention. Troy and I had never been close, we were hardly even friends, no matter how many times I tried to get to know him better. And then there was Sky, who immediately became good friends with Troy. I felt betrayed. It hurt to see them together almost as much as it had when I found out that Troy had a girlfriend.

I'd hated Sky. He was everything I couldn't be, and apparently those were the qualities Troy appreciated in a person. But it wasn't Sky's fault. I learned that when I attacked him in the locker room, and he forgave me afterwards. Sky was good and kind, and it was not his fault. I was the ugly person who hurt others.

I tried my best to change. I tried to be nice for once.

The next memory that popped in my head was the day when I told Max and Sky they could use my ATV to get to the Wilkes' barn. Cain and Ben were supposed to join us on the trip to the mall, but they had started teasing Sky, and Cain even shoved Troy. I still wanted to kill Cain for doing that – no one laid their hands on him.

Sky was stronger than I originally thought, and I just couldn't hate the guy anymore. All I could do was watch how much fun Troy had with him. I had to admit that Sky deserved to have a friend like Troy. Max had noticed my miserable mood that day, but thankfully, he never spoke about it afterwards.

Then Troy had one of his laughing fits. I loved to hear him laugh. It always cheered me up, no matter how bad my day was. He looked even more beautiful whenever he smiled or laughed, and he did those a lot.

"I'm sorry for eating your ice cream," I whispered. "I wanted to buy you a new one..."

That would've been almost like a date, right? But he didn't let me...

And then they all started crying about the freaking project. I decided to let them use my ATV simply to shut them up about it, but then Troy hugged me as a thank you. I still smiled when I remembered him doing that.

Ever since that day, it had felt like he was starting to warm up to me. When Max and Sky started dating, I saw the change in Troy's behavior. I wanted to believe he was considering going out with me. I really thought it was the case. He sometimes stopped to stare at me like he was trying to decide what to do.

Then Cain almost screwed up everything. When he and his friends attacked Sky in the forest, and Troy and I went after them, I went almost too far. I still remembered Cain pushing Troy, and calling gays freaks, but the worst part was seeing Sky bleeding and crying, soaking wet and shivering in fear.

I just lost it. I went into black rage, and Troy tried to get me off Cain's throat. I accidentally hit Troy, and it made me snap out of my hate. Troy kept saying it was all right, but he had just seen me at my worst. He saw a glimpse of the real me, and who in their right mind would want to date someone like me?

I would have given anything to see him look at me lovingly. That was all I wished for. There had been only two things in my life that I really wanted, and he was the better of the two.

And now Troy hated me.

-Troy-

I didn't go straight to Luke's after leaving school. Hell, three hours later I was sitting on a bench near his home, trying to decide what to do. It was still raining silently, but the tall trees behind me gave me some shelter.

My stomach was twisting and turning, and a couple of times, I felt so nauseated that I almost threw up. I knew what I had to do, but at the same time, I wished really hard I wouldn't have to do it. I also knew I couldn't just ignore everything that had happened. Luke deserved more than that.

"Mom, I really wish you were here..." I sighed and buried my face in my hands.

She would know what to do. But she was long gone. She died when I was ten, when she made the mistake of stepping into a gas station that was being robbed at gunpoint. I'd heard years later that her death wasn't fast and painless. No, it took her almost thirty minutes to bleed out.

I shook my head and tried to focus on Luke. I wondered what my mom would tell me to do in this situation. Probably that I should listen to my heart, but my heart had nothing to do with this. Or did it? Why was it so hard to just say no thank you? Why didn't I just say it back when he first asked me out? I wouldn't have ended up breaking his heart so utterly if I had just stopped it right there and then.

But it was time to make an end to it. Max was right. I couldn't let this keep going any longer. With a heavy heart and a truly upset stomach, I stood up and continued my way to Luke's. Soon, I saw his house in the distance, and my pace grew slower without me even realizing it. But still, way too soon, I was pressing his doorbell.

I took a deep breath, and another one before the lock clicked open, freezing my soul in fear. I stepped back when the door was opened, and I saw Luke standing in front of me. His hair was wet and hanging around his brows, and his eyes were locked with mine. For a moment, he looked like he was about to smile, and I begged in my mind he would understand I didn't have any good news for him.

I guess he did, because his eyes flickered with pain, and he looked past me, refusing to make a new eye contact with me.

"Yeah?" he muttered, and the sound in his voice was filled with defeat.

"Can I... come in?" I asked hesitantly.

Luke didn't reply at first, and I knew he wanted more than anything to tell me to leave, but then he nodded and stepped away from the door to give me room. I followed him quietly, feeling like I was choking. I couldn't believe how stupid I had been. After hurting him so much, I was about to deliver the final blow.

I almost ran when I thought about it, but I managed to close the door and follow Luke up in his bedroom through the quiet house. Luke sat down on the edge of his bed and stared at the ground while Bella came to greet me with a happy face.

"Hey, puppy," I muttered and patted her head.

"What do you want?" Luke asked emotionlessly.

"First, I want to apologize for today," I said, trying to prolong the inevitable. "I think I knew you wouldn't sleep with her, but..."

"She's the last person I would sleep with," he grunted. "You should know that."

"I know, and I'm really sorry," I said and sat down next to him.

"So you... still have feelings for her?" Luke asked carefully, like he didn't actually want to know, but for some reason needed to know.

"I... No, I don't think so," I mumbled.

"You know she asked me out a couple of times before you two started going out?" Luke asked.

"Yeah," I said truthfully. "I knew she wasn't, you know... in love with me..."

"No, she wasn't," Luke sighed. "But if you knew that, why did you get so mad at her then?"

"I wasn't mad at her," I snapped and stood up. "I was mad at you!"

Luke frowned and he finally looked at me. "At me?"

"I don't even know why. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. I don't know if I like you or if I don't like you and this is just...!" I gasped and rubbed my temples. "I am so fucking confused right now..."

"Hey, hey, it's all right," Luke said quietly and stood up too. "Take a deep breath, okay?"

I tried to do as he said, but it wasn't working much. It didn't clear my head, and it definitely didn't help me decide what to do.

"I didn't want to hurt you," I told him. "I did not want that. But I didn't know what to do. I still don't."

"Well..." he spoke carefully, and continued tentatively, "If you can't decide right now, would it help if we'd go... out... just once? Maybe that would help?"

"What if I end up hurting you even more?" I breathed out. "I don't want that."

"Trust me," he said with a tiny smile, "You are worth taking that chance."

"But–"

"Don't think about how I feel, okay? Just think about what you need to do. Let me worry about myself," Luke spoke softly, and touched my arm lightly.

I stared at him for a long time before I had to look down. "I think... Yeah..."

"Is that a... yes?" Luke asked, and his voice was now filled with hope.

"Yeah... Yes..." I nodded. "One date."

Luke didn't say anything in a long moment, while I was gathering my courage to look up at him. I knew what kind of expression he would have, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to see it. But then, slowly, I looked up at him, and there it was, just as I had thought. He looked happy. He looked happier than I had ever seen him before.

"Thank you," he said quietly.

"Please don't thank me," I begged. "I'm so screwed up right now I'm afraid you'll just get even more hurt."

"You gave me a chance," Luke smiled. "That's more than I could possibly ask."

I took a deep breath and shook my head. "You're too good to me, I don't deserve it."

"You were confused," Luke said. "I get that."

"Please, stop," I whined quietly. "I'm such a horrible person..."

"Why would you say that?" he asked with a frown.

"What I did to you was really, really horrible, and you should be mad at me, not understanding!" I almost yelled at him.

"Do you want me to be mad at you?" Luke asked with a confused look on his face.

"Yes!" I sighed and started pacing around his room.

"But I'm not," Luke spoke. "I mean, I was a little upset when you started dating her, but–"

"A little upset..." I muttered and covered my face with my hands. "I am a complete asshole..."

Luke took my hands gently in his. "No, you're not. It hurt, I admit that, but I'm not mad at you for it. There's no point. Not anymore."

I just shook my head. I had no idea what to say. I was an asshole, and I loathed myself for it. His words made me feel even worse, if it was even possible. At least my stomach was settling down.

"Can I ask something?" Luke spoke carefully, and after I nodded, he continued, "Why did you go out with her?"

I let out a long, frustrated breath and pushed his hands away. "I don't know... I just... I didn't think. She asked me out, and I said... yes." Luke looked away, and I knew I had hurt him once more, so I hurried to continue, "I did wrong. I should have talked with you first before making any decisions, and I'm really sorry. I didn't even love her."

"You talked about her a lot after your breakup," he spoke quietly.

"I was just blurting out things. She didn't mean that much to me..." I muttered.

"Okay," Luke nodded slowly. "You never said why you two broke up."

"Yeah... It's a little... awkward..." I said and blushed lightly. "I didn't want to... You know..."

"What?" he asked with a frown.

"I didn't want to have sex with her," I blurted out.

"O-oh," Luke said and for some reason he didn't look so hurt anymore. "I see. So she wasn't... attractive enough or something?"

"No, that wasn't it. I mean, I wanted to wait, you know?" I blushed harder in embarrassment. "But she didn't. And she didn't like... you know..."

"No, I don't know," Luke said.

"You know!" I sighed and hid my face behind my hands before I whispered, "Virgins..."

"What?" Luke leaned closer.

"She doesn't like virgins!" I spoke louder, and my face was burning hotter – how much more embarrassing could I possibly be?

"Oh, okay," Luke said and chuckled.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"I don't think she would have liked me either then," he smirked.

"What... You...?" I pointed at him in surprise. "You haven't...?"

"Well, I have been crushing on you for quite some time now, so..." Luke mumbled and tousled his hair awkwardly.

"Oh... Right, right..." I nodded slowly. "And how long is that?"

"So long that it might be considered creepy," Luke said with an embarrassed smile.

"How long?" I asked again – for some reason I really wanted to know.

"Ever since you signed my cast," he said shyly.

"Oh... Wow..." I muttered. "That was a long time ago."

"Yeah..."

Neither of us spoke anything in a long while. It was getting really awkward, but I had no idea what to say. Thankfully, he broke the silence.

"I should take you home. Your clothes are all wet."

"Oh, yeah. I was supposed to come here right after school, but I needed some time to think," I told him.

"You've been out in that rain the entire time?" he frowned. "You're going to get sick!"

"I'll be fine," I sighed. "But how are you going to take me home?"

"I have a car," he shrugged.

"I didn't know that," I said, feeling embarrassed once again.

"I don't use it much," he said and gestured for me to follow him out of his room. "I can use the bus to go to school, and I like running."

"I didn't know that either... But wouldn't it be nicer to use your own car instead of the bus?" I asked when we walked down the stairs.

"Then I wouldn't be able to see you every morning," he smiled at me before he opened a door on our left and the smell of gasoline surrounded us.

"Right..." I murmured. "You're surprisingly good at flirting."

"Thanks. I didn't know I can do that," he said playfully and put on the lights in the garage.

I laughed lightly at his joke. I was starting to feel better for some reason. It had always been easy and fun to hang out with Luke, which I had completely forgotten after he had confessed to me. Everyone else kept saying he was grumpy and distant all the time, but I remembered him differently. I had always thought that he was fun and sweet.

"So... Should we set a date?" Luke asked carefully while opening the garage door.

I decided to man up for once, because I had promised him a date, and it was for the best to keep my promise. "What are you doing next Friday?"

He smiled at me cheerily. "Nothing at all."

"Then we have a date."