Link: https://perchance.org/incorrect-quote-generator

Scar: iuegrukfhoeuhfeoruhf
Grian: What is that?
Scar: it's a keyboard smash
Grian: How do I do it?
Scar: just press anything
Grian: 7

[----------]

Scott: *Kicks the door open, looking panicked*
Jimmy: What did you do?!
Scott: NOBODY DIED!
Jimmy: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

[----------]

Lizzie: Okay, help me, please!
Joel: Got two words for you.
Lizzie: I bet they won't be helpful.
Joel: Your problem.
Lizzie: I was right.

[----------]

Tango, confused and exasperated: Skizz, how do you plan on telling a bear to go vegan?
Skizz: Politely.

[----------]

Bdubs: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on Etho without them noticing?
Skizz: Hey, Etho, I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny.
Etho: *takes and swallows tracker* Pay up, loser.
Bdubs: ...

[----------]

Scott: I'm taking a look at your numbers, and it doesn't look good. You have a lot of measurements. Quite a few variables.
Martyn: Is that... bad?
Scott: Variables are the #1 risk factor for outcomes. The past is a big contributor to the future.
Martyn: Isn't that just causality?
Scott: Causality is the leading cause of death in this country.
Martyn: So what are my odds?
Scott: Do you have a family history?
Martyn: Of what?
Scott: Just, in general.
Martyn: ...Yes?
Scott: Oh no.

[----------]

*Martyn and Ren's house is on fire, but they don't know it*
Martyn: Damn, it's hot in here.
Ren: I know, it's so hot there's smoke coming out of the vent!
Martyn:
Martyn: First of all, I'm assuming you have no idea what the problem with that statement is.
Ren: What?
Martyn: Second of all, we need to get the fuck out of here, NOW.

[----------]

Etho: *on the phone with Tango* I can't talk right now, I'm doing hot girl shit.
Tango: You're pulling Oreos apart and saving off the frosting to make a mega Oreo, aren't you.
Etho: Maybe.

[----------]

Grian: We need a plan to beat them.
Joel: Okay, listen up. First, we fill their shoes with wet cat food.
Grian:
Joel: Judge me all you want, I get results.

[----------]

Lizzie: *slams books down in front of Cleo*
Lizzie: Boil up some Mountain Dew. It's gonna be a long night.
Cleo: You could of said literally anything else.
Lizzie: Cauldron boil and cauldron bubble, Baja Blast to fuel my trouble.
Cleo: I'm going to just stop challenging you when you say random shit. I won't win. I realize this now.

[----------]

Big B: And have you learnt anything this Christmas, Cleo?
Cleo: ...Not really.
Big B: Nothing?
Cleo: Tell you one thing I have learnt—Christmas; ultimately, commercial holiday. Who's the real winner at Christmas? Amazon. they have drones now! Tiny little dystopian slaves delivering iPads and headphones. I ordered a toaster; It was on the doorstep five hours later! Do we need that? It was 4.99! For a toaster! I mean, someone's being exploited there.

[----------]

Joel: I've been sleeping so little the past few nights that when I go to the alarm app, I click on the "power nap" button. I don't set up alarms, I set up timers, Scar.

[----------]

Scar: Physically, yes, I could fight a bird, but emotionally? Imagine the toll!

[---------]

Cleo: I'm going to get so much done today.
Lizzie: I'll hold you to that.
*8 hours later*
Lizzie: So how much did you get done?
Cleo: One thing.
Lizzie: Well, that's one more than usual.

[----------]

Scar: Are pigeons drones?
Pearl: What? No, I'm trying to sleep.
Scar: Think about it. How come you've never seen a baby pigeon? And why do you never actually see a pigeon nest? Because they're DRONES!
Pearl: *Crying* Please let me sleep...

[----------]

*During a game of Hangman*
Gem: Nope, there's no Q. You lose.
Pearl: Are you kidding me?! You can still add something!
Gem: I already added a belt, four earrings and an extra arm! YOU LOSE

[----------]

*Ren is helping Big B break out of prison*
Ren: Sooo... Does this make us partners in crime?
Big B: Don't push it.
Ren: Oh my gosh, we can be like Harley Quinn and the Joker!
Big B: If you don't stop talking, they're adding "murder" to the charges.

[----------]

Impulse: I'm gonna get my pilot's license. I've already got a driver's license and a cosmetology license, that's two of the big five licenses.
Bdubs: The big five licenses?
Impulse: Driver's license, cosmetology license, pilot's license, fishing license, and... license to kill! I can't wait to get that one.

[----------]

Pearl: I feel so burnt out.
Scar: Don't worry, it'll be over soon.
Pearl: Are you gonna... assassinate me?
Scar: Well not if you're expecting it.

[----------]

Bdubs: Let's just agree to both say we're sorry on the count of three.
Bdubs: One... two... three.
Etho: ...
Bdubs: ...
Bdubs: See, now I'm just disappointed in both of us.

[----------]

Impulse: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn't do it.
Etho: I know, that's why I bottle up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out.
Impulse: Th-that's not how that works-

[----------]

Martyn: I'm gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.

[----------]

Impulse, texting Scott: Scott! Help I'm being kidnapped!
Scott: Where are you?
Impulse: I'm with some strange person. In a car. Help.
Scott: I'll call Martyn.
Martyn, answering their cell: Y'ello?
Scott: Where's Impulse? They texted me that they were being kidnapped.
Martyn: Martyn? Whaddya mean, they're right next to me-
Martyn:
Martyn: I'll call you back. *Hangs up*
Martyn: THE NEW HAIRCUT ISN'T THAT BAD!
Impulse: WHO ARE YOU!?

[----------]

Cleo: Everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public.
Lizzie: The whole "childhood wonder" stage just blew right past you, didn't it?

[----------]

Ren: How does one turn their emotions off?
Martyn: Okay, so first go to settings.
Martyn: I'm a fucking idiot, I thought that said emojis at first.
Ren: No, I'm still willing to try this, go ahead. I'm at settings, what do I do next?

[----------]

Scar: Grian, what if there are monsters?
Grian: Don't worry, we're top of the food chain.
*Much later...*
Scar, lying awake at night: I am the monster.

[----------]

Pearl: I've been expecting you, Cleo.
Cleo: How did you do that without turning around?
Pearl: Let's just say the first few people I did that to were not you.

[----------]

Martyn: What if people had food names and food had people names?
Pearl: Hey, spaghetti, we're having Martyn for dinner.
Scott: What is wrong with you people?
Cleo: Shut up, chocolate.

[----------]

Gem, texting Cleo: Cleo there's a moth on the outside of the bathroom door can you get rid of it?
Gem: Pls hurry because I'm going to cry
Gem: Cleo
Gem: Cleo
Cleo: Cleo is dead. You're next. Love, Moth.

[----------]

Joel: That was a joke. Say ha.
Grian: Ha.
Joel: Now do it again.
Grian: Ha.
Joel: Congratulations, you are officially the life of the party.

[----------]

Jimmy: I wonder who's ruining my life.
Jimmy: *looks in the mirror*
Jimmy: So we meet again.

[----------]

Tango: I can't believe all these people are wearing black. black is supposed to be my thing, they're all just posers.
Jimmy: Tango, for the last time, we're at a funeral.

[----------]

Impulse: I will beat all of you in Rock, Paper, Scissors. You go first.
Tango: Rock.
Impulse: Paper.

[----------]

Gem: Self-care is suppressing all your trauma until it comes back and hits you in the face with the force of 7 very large trucks.

[----------]

Joel and Grian: *speaking Spanish*
Joel: I know, I know.
Jimmy: You speak Spanish?
Joel: No. I just know the phrase, 'this is all your fault' in every language Grian speaks.

[----------]

Jimmy: We're all in this together. If one of us falls, we all fall. Nobody is expendable on this team.
Grian: Sounds fake but ok.

[----------]

Scott: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Scott lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

[----------]

Scott: How was your day, Cleo?
Cleo: Yeah, fine, it's anti-bullying week at school.
Scott: Oh? And what does that mean?
Cleo: It means I can't bully anyone for a whole week.

[----------]

Pearl: If there are no questions, we'll move on to the next chapter.
Cleo: I have a question.
Pearl: Certainly, Cleo. What is it?
Cleo: What's the point of human existence?
Pearl: I meant any questions about the subject at hand.
Cleo: Oh.
Cleo: Frankly, I'd like to have the issue resolved before I expend any more energy on this.

[----------]

Joel: Do you even know what an amulet is?
Etho: Of course I do! I eat amulets sometimes. I like the ones with cheese and onions!
Joel: Etho, those are omelettes.
Etho: Oh. Then I've got nothing.

[----------]

Etho: Remember, if you get captured, no matter what they do, don't talk!
Joel: What if they torture us?
Etho: Just don't talk!
Joel: Can we scream a little?

[----------]

Scott: Surgery is basically just stabbing someone to life.
Gem: Please never become a surgeon

[----------]

Impulse: What is everyone for Halloween?
Gem: I'm superman.
Scott: A clown.
Impulse: So I'm guessing we don't need to get you a costume then?

[----------]

Bdubs: Sleep is the body's best safety mechanism.
Etho: How so?
Bdubs: It keeps you from screwing up for 8 hours.

[----------]

Bdubs: Guys, they're definitely prepared for us. They even have a training model of our brand new top-secret stealth helicopter.
Scar: No you idiot, that's ours we crashed!
Bdubs: Oh yeah. I guess that makes more sense.

[----------]

Scar, after sneaking into Cleo's bedroom: Hey, wake up!
Cleo, half awake: Huh!?
Scar: I just murdered your entire family!
Cleo: ...But I live alone.
Scar: Huh? Then who are these people in your house???
Cleo: There's people in my house?
Scar: Well not anymore! Dumb bitch! You could've died! You're welcome!

[----------]

Martyn: Wakey Wakey Eggs and Bakey!
Mumbo: But I'm a vegan.
Martyn: Wakey Wakey Vegetables and Sadness.

[----------]

Jimmy: I've never asked someone out. How do you even do it?
Grian: Oh, what I do is, I look them up and down and I say: "Hey... how you doin'?"
Mumbo, scoffing: Oh, please.
Grian, to Mumbo: Hey, how you doin'?
Mumbo:
Mumbo: *giggles and blushes*

[----------]

Tango: Do you always have to attack me with your words?
Skizz: Would you prefer me to use a brick?

[----------]

Cleo: You've got to act tough, Lizzie! Show 'em you can't be pushed around! Show 'em they can't mess with you!
Lizzie: Right. Yes. Tough. Got it.
Lizzie, standing up on their stool and slamming their hands down on the bar: I'LL TAKE A CHOCOLATE MILK.

[-----------]

Pearl: When I said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a conch shell!
Cleo: *Struggling to hold a seagull* Fucking say that next time!

[----------]

Tango: I want you back...
Impulse: 3 words, 8 letters. Say it, and I'm yours.
Tango: I got food?
Impulse: ...you know me so well.

[----------]

Impulse: Alright, so the vampire's gravestone is—
Tango: Cenotaph.
Impulse: What?
Impulse: It's only a gravestone if it marks the location of a body. A monument honouring someone whose body isn't present is a cenotaph.
Impulse: I'm... not sure that's how it works if the body gets up and walks away on its own.
Tango: There's a precedent for gravestones being reclassified as cenotaphs if the body is later removed and reinterred elsewhere. There's no rule that says the body itself can't do the removing.
Impulse: Okay, but the body is very much coming back. That's kind of what we're here to accomplish.
Tango: So it's a temporary cenotaph.
Impulse: And naturally our greatest concern here is avoiding semantic ambiguity.
Tango: Semantic ambiguity is how vampires get you.

[----------]

Etho: *closes a cabinet*
*a crash is heard behind the cabinet door*
Joel: What was that?
Etho: The sound of someone else's problem.

[----------]

Lizzie: Do dragons fart fire?
Joel: I don't know.
Lizzie: I thought you went to college.

[----------]

Cleo: Wait a minute, how did this happen? We're smarter than this!
Scott: Apparently, we're not.

[----------]

Grian: Some people are like slinkies.
Jimmy: What?
Grian: Not really good for much but bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
Jimmy:
Jimmy: Please don't push Joel down the stairs.
Grian, pushing Joel down the stairs: Too late.

[----------]

Scott: Here is my wall of inspirational people.
Gem: Is that a picture of you?
Scott: Yes, I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.

[----------]

Impulse: Hey, do you know anyone who can teach me to play the trumpet?
Martyn: Why?
Impulse: I want to wander around playing it to annoy Mumbo.
Martyn: Technically, you don't actually need to know how to play the trumpet well for that.
Impulse: Martyn, you have opened my eyes.

[----------]

Scott: When was the last time you cried?
Martyn: Uh 15 minutes ago, why??
Scott: Really? That recent?
Martyn: Yeah *voice crack* is that a issue? *starts crying again*

[----------]

Lizzie: Why would you give a knife to Cleo?!
Gem, shrugging: Cleo felt unsafe.
Lizzie: Now I feel unsafe!
Gem: I'm sorry...
Gem: Would you like a knife?

[----------]

Skizz, watching Tango and Etho fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt?
Impulse, not bothered by the chaos: It's fine. They're too evenly matched to hurt each other.
Skizz: Then... who's the strongest out of you three?
Tango: Impulse.
Etho: Impulse.
Impulse: Me.

[----------]

Ren: There are some things beyond our understanding. We must accept them and learn from them. Because these moments of crisis are also potential moments of faith. A time, when we either come together or fall apart. Nature always has a way of balancing itself. The only question is, what part will we play?
Martyn: Did you just make that up?
Ren: No. I read it in a fortune cookie once.
Martyn:
Ren: A really long fortune cookie.

[----------]

Grian: I hate to disagree with you, but-
Scar: Please, you love to disagree with me. Its your favorite thing to do.