Cleo: What type of dog is this?
Etho: That's a tortoise.

[----------]

Joel, looking at a map: It's a barren, featureless wasteland out there, isn't it?
Grian: Other side, Joel...

[----------]

Scar: I met this person on tinder and asked for their last name. They sent it to me and went "Doing a little background check? You might find out I'm a murderer, just ignore that" with a kissy wink emoji. Alright so I good sense of humour.
Scar: I looked them up, they were a murderer.

[----------]

Lizzie: Joel, we tried things your way.
Joel: No, we didn't.
Lizzie: I did it in my head and it didn't work.

[----------]

Martyn, in a horrible German accent: Bill Nye is on break, I'm Bill Nein.
Pearl: Can I go to the bathroom?
Martyn, in the same horrible German accent: Nein!

[----------]

Ren: Let's all agree that going up the stairs on all fours is actually the best experience on earth.
Big B: Conversely, going down the stairs on all fours is actually the most terrifying experience on earth.

[----------]

Scott: Let me copy your homework.
Gem: I was gonna copy yours.
Scott: Well, shit.
Gem: Guess I'm not doing it.

[----------]

Tango: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?
Etho, turning to Bdubs: How tall are you?

[----------]

Tango: *holding a salt packet* It's just a little sodium chloride.
Etho: Actually Tango, it's salt.
Tango: That's what I said, sodium chloride.
Etho: Uh Tango, that would be salt.
Etho: *takes salt packer from Tango* This is iodized table salt, which in addition to sodium chloride contains anti-caking agents and potassium iodate, which is added to prevent iodine deficiency. So not only are you being overly pretentious by insisting on using scientific terminology for everyday items, you are factually wrong. Your arrogance is your downfall, you annoying little shit.

[----------]

Impulse: I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.

[----------]

Etho: Okay, let's split 'em up and make 'em sing.
Impulse: Two of you take the one on the right, the other two take the one on the left.
Tango: Right. Bad cop, good cop.
Skizz: You know, it's interesting that they say "bad cop, good cop," because policing in this country is so broken it's really just "bad cop, bad cop".
Impulse: Tango, you're with them.
Tango: Got it.

[----------]

Pearl: You ever get so tired that you start seeing spiders?
Gem: Me after I take 17 Benadryl and start seeing the hat man.
Pearl: THE WHO?
Gem: Oh is this not a safe space suddenly?

[----------]

Ren: Cleo won't wake up, what do I do?
Lizzie: Did you try kicking them?
Ren: Yes.
Lizzie: I'm out of ideas.

[----------]

Lizzie, to Cleo: You drink too much, swear too much, and your morals are highly questionable.
Cleo: ...
Lizzie: You are everything I've ever wanted in a best friend.

[----------]

Martyn, texting: O
Scott: What?
Martyn: Don't read into that.
Scott: But I will read into that.
Martyn: HOW?! IT'S A LETTER!
Scott: Why is there a space after it, hmmmmm?
Martyn: Dude, really?
Martyn: It's a fucking letter.
Scott: It could stand for something!
Martyn: IT DOESN'T, I PROMISE!
Scott: Like Oppression! Or worse...
Martyn: Dude, I just typed the letter O, that means nothing. :/
Scott: Optometrist.
Martyn: Oh my God...

[----------]

Martyn: I called you like ten times! Why didn't you pick up?
Ren: *remembers dancing to the ringtone*
Ren: I didn't hear it.

[----------]

Scar: When life gives you lemonades, make lemons! Life will be all like "whaAttT?"
Grian: Life lessons that schools can't teach you.

[----------]

Scott: WHO THE FUCK-
Jimmy: Whoa, language!
Scott: I speak fucking English!
Jimmy: ...

[----------]

Jimmy: Legend says that when you can't sleep, it means you're awake in someone else's dreams.
Jimmy: When I find out who you are, I'm going to punch you in the face.

[----------]

Bdubs: A sprite is anything not static.
Cleo: A sprite is a variable object, be it 2d or 3d.
Scar: A sprite is a fucking soda.
Scar: You god damn geekass bastards.

[----------]

Impulse: I think it's time I get my life in order.
Bdubs, narrating: But they did not get their life in order. In fact, they got drunk last night and fought a raccoon.

[----------]

*Cleo is shopping with Scott*
Cleo: Can I get a silenced pistol?
Scott: If there's one on sale.

[----------]

*The gang responding to being stabbed by a sword*
Martyn: Rude.
Pearl: That's fair.
Cleo: Not again.
Scott: Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?

[----------]

Etho: Can I borrow five dollars?
Joel: If you're only borrowing it, does that mean you'll pay me back?
Etho: Of course.
Etho: Not directly, but with my love and affection.
Joel: So that's a no.

[---------]

Joel: Your smug self-assuredness is revolting.
Grian: I think we need to validate self confidence more, lest you end up angry at others for having even a sliver of it. I've done nothing wrong and I have a heart of gold.
Jimmy: I think this message is extremely valid, but also Grian has implied wanting to set off the Yellowstone supervolcano, so what's the truth?
Grian: I want to set it off.

[----------]

Impulse: Adulting is hard.
Impulse: How do I quit?
Scott: Time travel.
Gem: Die.

[----------]

Pearl: I'd kill someone if you asked me to.
Big B: I'm pretty sure you'd kill someone even if I didn't ask you to.

[----------]

Big B: How did you break your leg?
Ren: Do you see those porch stairs?
Big B: Yes.
Ren: I didn't.

[----------]

Scott: A fistfight CAN be romantic.

[----------]

Bdubs: That's a nice arguement, Scar Why don't you back it up with a source?
Scar: My source is that I made it the fuck up!

[----------]

Joel: I don't remember that.
Grian: Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door?
Joel: ...No.
Grian: Okay, do you remember when you were chased by those wild dogs for two miles?
Joel: Not especially, no.
Grian: It was in between those two things.

[----------]

Cleo: I have a bad feeling about this, guys.
Pearl: Oh don't worry, you'll be fine.
Scott: Yeah, what's the worst that could happen?
Cleo, being bailed out of jail the next morning: I hate you all.

[----------]

Lizzie: All the sudden I got a random burst of energy, and I think it's my body's last hurrah before it completely shuts down.

[----------]

Grian: You're giving me a sticker?
Scar: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying "me-wow!"
Grian: I'm not a preschooler.
Scar: Fine, I'll take it back-
Grian: I earned this, back off!

[----------]

Joel: Sometimes I wonder if I'm hearing voices.
Joel: Then I remember that's the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time.

[----------]

Ren: I have an idea.
Martyn: A good idea?
Ren: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

[----------]

Pearl: How many vampires do you think have been hit by a car backing up in a parking lot because the driver couldn't see their reflection?
Lizzie: I've never considered it but you're really shining light on what's probably a very serious issue.

Written on April 13