Grian: I've been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.
Scar: Wow. They sound stupid.
Grian: But they're not. They're really smart actually. Just dense.
Scar: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don't know... "Hey! I love you!"
Grian: I guess you're right. Hey Scar, I love you.
Scar: See! Just say that!
Grian: Holy fucking shit.
Scar: If that flies over their head then, sorry Grian, but they're too dumb for you.
Grian: Scar.

[----------]

Etho: Valentine's day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-
Bdubs: I wrote you a poem.
Etho, already crying: You did?

[----------]

Tango: *kisses Etho*
Etho: !
Tango: ...Did you steal my chapstick?
Etho: Did- did I what?
Tango: My chapstick, Etho. Did you steal it?
Bdubs: Tango, for the love of God, not this again.
Etho: I- No, I didn't steal your chapstick. We use the same chapstick.
Tango: No, there is absolutely no way we use the same chapstick, because it was only sold on one Etsy shop two years ago and they discontinued it, and I loved it so much that I bought the last of their stock, and I keep it in my freezer so it doesn't go bad. It's been discontinued for three years. No one uses the same chapstick for three years. So unless you've been eating a whole fuck ton of something that's flavored like chocolate and popcorn, you absolutely stole my fucking chapstick.
Etho: Chocolate and popcorn?
Bdubs: Why do you think it got discontinued?

[----------]

Ren: Since we're in a relationship now, your clothes are my clothes too. Don't ask me why I have your shirt on, this is our shirt.
Martyn: Fine, but when I come strutting in with your fuzzy socks I don't want to hear shit.

[----------]

Joel: If you could guess, how many brain cells do you have?
Lizzie: Dorito's cool ranch.
Joel:
Joel: I'm just gonna assume zero for now.
Lizzie: I love that song.

[----------]

Scott: The scariest president had to be Rushmore because he had four heads.
Martyn: Yeah, it's a good thing we captured him in that mountain, even if we have to live in fear of the spell wearing off.
Cleo: Do you two still believe in that legend? Come on, Rushmore was killed a hundred years ago! We're safe now.
Pearl: You people have clearly never taken a history lesson. His body was never found.

[----------]

Martyn: If you had to choose between Jimmy and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose?
Impulse: That depends, how much money are we talking about?
Jimmy: Impulse!
Martyn: 63 cents.
Impulse: ...I'll take the money.
Jimmy: IMPULSE!!!

[----------]

Jimmy: I bet you can't make a sentence without the letter "A"!
Grian: You thought you just did something there, didn't you? Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but numerous sentences could be constructed without employing the first letter of the English lexicon.
Joel: Fuck you.

[----------]

*Bdubs is considering cancelling plans, and Scar and Cleo are advising them on what to do*
Scar: Just don't go.
Cleo: Say you're ill!
Scar: Pretend to break your leg.
Cleo: Really break your leg!

[----------]

Big B: What do you want for breakfast, Ren?
Ren: Gay Cheerios.
Big B: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING FRUIT LOOPS THAT!!

[----------]

Scar: I am a ninja.
Pearl: No, you're not.
Scar: Did you see me do that?
Pearl: Do what?
Scar: Exactly.

[----------]

Joel: People always shoot down my ideas and I'm sick of it. Two sentences in and everyone's always shouting "what the fuck? that's illegal!" and "you can't do that!". Like, c'mon, let me talk!

[----------]

Skizz: This food is too hot... I cant eat it.
Impulse: You're very hot, and I still eat you.
Everyone at the table: *silence*
Tango: YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING!
Etho: One dinner... I just want ONE DINNER!

[----------]

Martyn: Wakey Wakey Eggs and Bakey!
Mumbo: But I'm a vegan.
Martyn: Wakey Wakey Vegetables and Sadness.

[----------]

Scar: Reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold, bye!

[----------]

Grian: And what do I get out of this?
Mumbo: I will give you a dollar.
Grian: What do you think I am? A chump? I would never do it for a dollar!
Mumbo: How bout two dollars?
Grian: You got yourself a deal.

[----------]

Bdubs: When you work at lush and a customer comes in and bites the soap because they think it's cheese... this happens way more frequently than you think.
Cleo: If you stopped literally presenting soap as deli food this wouldn't happen.
Bdubs: Who goes into a bath store and thinks something covered in glitter is cheese?
Scar: Who goes to the store and just takes a bite from the cheese?

[----------]

Watchers: *watching their house burn down*
Watchers:
Watchers: *starts filming* Waddup, guys, welcome to my vlog, today's topic: how to get away with accidentally committing arson because you forgot Spaghetti O's cans are metal and thus non-microwavable! Step one: deny everything.

[----------]

Cleo: What's the worst thing you guys have done?
Pearl: Rickrolled my teacher in 4th grade.
Martyn: I kicked Scar in the shin-
Scar: -So I kicked Martyn between the legs.
Grian: I burned a town down.
Cleo: What?!
Scar: What the hell is wrong with you?!?
Grian: A lot of things.
Martyn: No shit.

[----------]

Scott: FUCK THE CHAIR. PARDON ME FOR MAKING MYSELF COMFORTABLE DURING A SINCERE HEART TO HEART DISCUSSION WITH A DEAR FRIEND IN NEED!
Scott: BUT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO CEASE STRADDLING THIS DEEPLY OFFENSIVE PIECE OF FURNITURE! AWAY WITH YE, FOUR LEGGED TEMPTRESS! DISTRACT US NO MORE WITH THE MOST BASIC AND UTILITARIAN FORM OF COMFORT YOU SUPPLY!
Martyn: Scott just threw a tantrum about a chair.
Martyn: I just won Scott Tantrum Bingo.

[----------]

Cleo: I can't believe my birth certificate says F...
Cleo: ...How did I fail being born?

[----------]

*Grian is talking about their past*
Grian: I guess it was that day I came home to a cold, empty house, devoid of light and love, and I knew then that my sorrows would only grow.
Joel: Grian, this is the saddest life story I have ever heard! And you haven't even covered the teen years!
Jimmy: Oh, I'm sure it gets better!
Grian: Ha! No, at eleven, things really took a turn for the worst.

[----------]

Jimmy: *Answers phone.* Hello?
Tango: It's Tango.
Jimmy: What did they do this time?
Tango: No, it's me, Jimmy. It's actually me.
Jimmy: What did you do this time?

[----------]

Pearl: Cleo, why are you standing in front of the fan?
Cleo: I'm waiting for Lizzie to look into our window when they come home. When the fan is blowing on me, I look like a fancy supermodel.
Pearl: You want Lizzie to think you're a supermodel?
Cleo: Giving them eye candy is the least I can do. It'll probably be the best part of their walk!
Pearl, sarcastically: You're selfless.
Cleo: Thank you for noticing.

[----------]

Gem: The only thing keeping me from running away and hiding from society for the rest of my life is spite. I could disappear forever, but there are some bitches whose downfalls I have yet to witness, and I wanna be around when that happens.

[----------]

Pearl: Are you reading fan fiction?
Joel, reading an article about extremely rare diseases: Wh- No.
Pearl: Oh, is it on AO3?
Joel: This is CNN.

[----------]

Martyn walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: Ren, I love you but, what the h-e-double FUCK.
Ren, sipping coffee happily: I love you too :)

[----------]

Scar: I am so cool. I am an absolute Chad. I am the epitome of coolness and awesomeness—
Grian: Hi.
Scar: *melts down in a flustered heap of softness*

[----------]

Watchers: Still not over how yesterday when my flight landed, our pilot said we arrived 50 minutes early because they took some "shortcuts".
Watchers: Excuse me, we were in the sky, what do you mean???

[----------]

Joel: English is CRAZY. Oregano is both a spaghetti leaf topping and a form of paper art!
Etho: What is this "paper art" you speak of?
Joel: That shit where you make cranes and stuff out of folded paper!
Etho: ... Joel.