Song for the chapter: Fake Happy ~ Paramore

VANESSA

Emotionally drained, I struggle to keep my tears under control as I pull up to the rental my parents are staying at in the Poconos for our family reunion. I tilt my head back and use eye drops to help alleviate some of the redness.

I flip the visor down and grab my makeup bag in the front section of one of my suitcases and use some concealer. After I'm finished hiding the evidence of my lack of sleep and nonstop crying, I close my eyes to give myself a last minute pep talk before I face my parents and the rest of my family.

The last couple of weeks have been hell to say the least, but I managed to survive; barely. An investigation related to the discrimination lawsuit began the week I returned from attending Millie's funeral.

Each of the employees have been interviewed regarding the case and our general application screening processes. Even though the experience was stressful and anxiety inducing, it was a welcome distraction from the aftermath with everything involving Gabriel. Knowing I had hurt him right before the passing of his Grandma has been messing with my mind and heart so much.

I admit the unknown fear of how things would work out with our relationship is partly to blame and I downplayed everything with the lurking worry always in the back of my mind that it would be so easy for him to walk away, considering how much traveling his career requires of him. And then there was running into my father so unexpectedly, too. However, my inexperience with relationships isn't an excuse to have lied about how I truly feel about him to Jenny. Not to mention attacking his nature.

Sighing, I look away from the mirror feeling an onslaught of fresh tears threatening to break-through. I bite my trembling lip remembering when his cousin Jaycee called to tell me about Millie's passing.

I knew it was a risk to see Gabriel, considering all my previous attempts to reach out to him went unanswered, but knowing how much he loved Millie and how this was going to affect him, I wanted to be there for him.

Although I never expected him to lash out the way he did, I can't say that I blame him. It was just so unlike his calm and in control demeanor that I was used to. A shiver runs through me recalling the palpable anger radiating from him that day, and the cold emotion in his eyes when he yelled at me to leave.

As pathetic as it sounds and feels to admit this, I've checked my phone, texts and emails religiously every day, multiple times a day, but he hasn't tried to get in touch in any way.

It's probably for the best. But I miss him. I miss everything about him. His confident smile, his laugh, his scent and the way I'd felt a sort of freedom with him. I could be myself around him and while he'd tease me, I know it wasn't to diminish me. He did it to help me be comfortable with myself with who I am outside of work.

The door opening to the front of the home catches my attention and my father's stoic expression looks back at me. A drink already in hand before he returns inside the home. Guess that's my cue to quit stalling. Breathing in deeply, I exhale as I step out of the car and pull out my suitcases and bags.

My brother, Vince, jogs out of the house, embracing me in a brief hug before he busies himself with helping me take my luggage inside.

"Good grief, Vanessa, you'd think you were staying for a month instead of a few days." He says, with a grunt as he loads up my things on his body.

I attempt to chuckle but I cough instead and clear my lump in my throat, remembering how Gabriel teased me about the same thing when he saw the luggage I was packing to go on that trip with him before I ruined everything.

"You know me, I like to be prepared for every type of weather possibility."

"It's supposed to be sunny the whole weekend."

"Hm." I respond simply. Weather really has nothing to do with my overpacking, it's just my indecisiveness on what to bring. The work me may be more focused and sure when it comes to decisions but the outside of work Vanessa is a complete mess, clearly.

"Please tell me you brought home a girl, Vince." I try to change the subject, in hopes that I won't be the sole focus of my parents' third degree on what I'm up to since we last spoke and seen each other.

He laughs. "Maybe. But you know that won't stop them from grilling you. Come on." He tugs on my arm since my feet don't want to cooperate. "I think the older they get the less they care about what we're doing."

I snort. "Yeah, I want whatever drink you already had to make you think that."

Walking up the stone steps of the large rental home, I look back at my car one more time debating if I should make a last ditch effort and leave. But my father's voice brings me back to reality.

"What the hell were you doing sitting out in your car for so long?" He questions, setting his glass down after taking a drink.

"Work." I take in all of the familiar faces of my extended family and see my mother at the end of a long hallway, her eyes giving the once over to one of my aunts.

"It's the weekend." My father fires back, crossing his thick arms across his chest.

"Maintenance emergency. Gary, my maintenance supervisor, needed to run something by me." I glance around again at everyone, spread throughout different areas of the spacious floor plan. A few nod in acknowledgement, some lift their drinks in my direction, but they all have the judgment in their eyes as their gaze moves over me.

I can't help but compare the less than welcoming atmosphere with my family versus the few times I've visited with Gabriels' family. I never felt like they looked down on me like I do when I'm with my family.

It's to be expected since I don't meet up to their standards. My father prides himself with the successful career lineage in the family tree, consisting of multigenerational lawyers, dentists, pharmacists, engineers, accountants, physicians, and even a couple of professors.

A few of my cousins who have chosen less affluent careers have distanced themselves from the family over the years. I can't blame them for not wanting to be around the toxic environment of being made to feel less than just because you don't make a six figure income.

Reality hits me that Gabriel would have fit in well, with my family, but not necessarily with my father. And I didn't want to give my father any reason to treat him inferior.

And yet, it's exactly what I ended up doing.

"Vanessa," Vince steps in to alleviate the already awkward tension. "This is Rebecca." The pretty blonde smiles, extending her hand out to me and I shake it grateful for the reprieve. But it's short lived.

"Vicky!" My father barks out. "Your daughter's here."

My mother looks over at me and gives me a thin smile as her eyes travel over my clothing. "Hello, dear." And with that returns to her important conversation.

"Take your things upstairs. Last bedroom on the right. Don't be long, dinners' ready," my father tells me and walks away.

__________________

After the uncomfortable dinner, I managed to stay under the radar most of the time with some of the usual family questions, but I was keenly aware of my father's critical gaze each time I refilled my glass with wine.

I nearly choked when he asked me where Gabriel was, but managed to keep most of the wine in and told him he was at a seminar. I figured there's a fifty-fifty chance I was right. Thankfully he didn't press me more about it.

The night ended relatively well. Of course, in my over indulgence of wine, I may have imagined it all.

I groan, feeling the onset of a hangover headache intensifying with each passing minute the next day.

Unfortunately, I might have drunk called Gabriel last night. The call log on my phone tells me I most definitely called him, and the minutes lapsed for the call indicate I likely left him a voicemail, too. I wish there was a way of knowing what I said. I lay there in a stupor, staring at the ceiling imagining all the possible things, I would have said to him.

After a few more minutes of self loathing, I throw the covers off of me and groan as I get ready for another uncomfortable day with my family.

Once I'm dressed, I put on my sunglasses and make my way downstairs.

In hindsight, I probably should have avoided my family altogether today. My emotions and poor sleeping habits were catching up to me and wreaking havoc on my body and the effects of my hangover only aggravated my short temper and thin patience.

I ignored my father's comments about wasting the morning away while I nibbled on toast and kept to myself most of the day, but by the evening, I knew I was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I sat away from everyone on a lawn bench in the backyard as I scrolled through some of the photos of Gabriel in my phone.

Chugging the bottle of wine I snuck out with me, I stare at his contact in my phone and my finger hovers over his number for a few seconds before I call him. It rings once before it goes straight to voicemail. Does that mean he blocked me?

Tears brim over my eyes and I sniff before I begin leaving him a voicemail, knowing it's pointless.

"Hi. It's me, Vanessa. I know you probably hate me. I'm not a fan of me either." I stop to hiccup and take another drink, gulping and exhaling loudly. "Guess what? Guess where I am? I'm around a bunch of people who don't like me much neither. You'd fit in here better than me. Wait is this one of those either or either situations? I never know how to use those correctly." I shrug to myself.

"What was I saying? Oh right. I'm sorry, Gabriel. So sorry. Like a thousand times sorry. Infinity times infinity sorry. I wish there was a better word than I'm sorry. I know how to say it in Spanish, it's lo siento. Did you know that?"

"Vanessa." My fathers's gruff voice has me straightening and swiveling my head behind me.

"I gotta go." I whisper into the phone and slide it into my pocket.

"Hola papi."

"Cut the shit, Vanessa. You're making a fool of yourself. Where's your sense of dignity and pride?"

I stand up, swaying on my feet as I check my pockets. "No clue. Will you help me find it?" I hiccup and begin taking another swig of the wine before my father rips the bottle out of my hand. Wine spills onto his light gray polo shirt.

"Ooooh, that's gonna leave a stain."

"What the hell is going on with you? Have you no shame?" He grits out through his clenched jaw.

"Nope." I pop the 'P' and sigh. "Add that to the list of things I don't have." I start to stagger my way back to the house.

My father grips my arm. "You're not going back in the house to embarrass yourself or me and your mother. Now explain yourself."

My sadness and depressive mood turns into a sudden flash of anger and I yank my arm out of his grasp. "Don't act like you fucking want to actually know what I have going on! That would mean you actually give a damn. That would mean you have to act like...gasp everyone...my father for once!"

"All you care about is what everyone thinks about you or the picture perfect family you want to sell. Only guess what everyone? It's all a fucking sham! You and mom don't even love each other!"

"That's enough!"

"Oop! That's enough, everyone. Victor Torres has spoken." I begin laughing, but it turns into tears.

"You will be happy to hear that work fucking sucks right now, Pop. Yeah, you heard right." I sway as I face him and wipe at my tears. "Where do I begin? Oh, I know." I snap my fingers. "Lets begin with having to relive when I was assaulted by an ex-asshole boss because he tried to do it again!" Gasps ripple through the backyard. "What else, what else?" I tap my chin. "Oh, right. I'm being sued for discrimination. So my career is up in flames." I gesture like an explosion went off with my arms and hands. "I might not even have a job in a few weeks. Bet you've been waiting to say 'I told you so'. Well, now's your chance!"

My father stares back at me, a grim expression on his face, but he says nothing.

"And Gabriel." My breath hitches. "Gabriel hates me. I treated him like shit, like he wasn't important to me. I could blame you and how you would unfairly judge him and treat him, like you have anyone I've dated, but the truth is it's all my fault and my damn need to impress you and make you happy, but nothing I do matters. So, there you have it. Bet you're happy you asked." I take the wine bottle back from him and surprisingly he lets me. I take a long pull from it and wipe my hand with the back of my mouth and hiccup as I glance around at my extended family.

I make finger guns toward my brother and his girlfriend. "Hey! Welcome to the family Rebecca. I hope you come from money or have some lofty career goals otherwise, you're not going to fit in very well. Look at me, I'm blood related and don't fit in at all."

The backdoors open and my mother comes out with a pitcher in her hand. "Margaritas are done!" She announces, proudly.

"Impeccable timing, ma, as always." I toss the now empty wine bottle and take a step forward, but the ground moves from under me and everything goes black. 

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