Chapter 53

Two hours in a diner with August landed us a written agreement and a hefty to-do list for me.

First thing on that list: visit his wife and tell her everything.

Second: tell Matt everything. He would definitely use my confession against me in our custody dispute.

Third: I needed to end the restraining order and withdraw all my complaints I filed with the police. Surprisingly, that was the extent of what I needed to do with the cops; the man wasn't requiring me to turn myself in. Instead of taking me to court, he would quietly accept the money back that I sued from him (which Matt would surely pay once he learns the truth).

All of this was added in the agreement August wrote out in a large notebook. Basically, it would be reviewed by both our lawyers, verifying that I confessed and agreed to these terms. Which I understood. It's not like he could just trust my word. Regardless, the entire process was quite civil and cooperative. We covered each point, discussed the terms, and he wrote them down.

I was sideways in the booth with my legs stretched out, sipping my third iced tea. He was finishing the document up when I remembered something. "Oh, you forgot to add the pictures we have of you stalking me. You'll want possession of that file."

"Oh that's right. Your dad can bring that to me when we meet in a few days," he said, adding it with his pen. "Anything else you can think of?"

"Not really, I think that's it."

He flipped the page and continued writing. "Then I just need to add a few last statements. I know it's taking a while, but I'm almost done."

"Pshhh, take your time. I'm talking to your wife after we leave here, so any reason to delay is fine by me."

He paused and met my eyes. "You know, I never understood that."

"What?"

"I never understood what your deal was with my wife." He set his pen down and stretched his stiff back. "Every time you saw her in court, or every time she spoke, you would crumble. The little sympathy you had went to her."

His recollection was true. His wife (along with his daughter) were my weak spot. Yes, during the suing, I felt awful dragging August down, but his family suffering... that was a whole other level of guilt. Seeing them made me sick and often I would start to cry. I mean I painted a false and ugly picture of August coming onto me, and it broke her heart and destroyed their family. Honestly, I was dreading confessing to her more than anyone else. I was going to be more of a crying mess talking to her than I was last night.

The subject alone brought tears to my eyes and I looked away. "You know... I saw them not that long ago. I was at this Italian place having lunch with my sister and saw them there. It just ripped me apart. It killed me that I did that to your family. You don't have to believe me, but it did." Blinking away the tears, I met his eyes. "I think it's appropriate that I will be losing my family because I made you lose yours. I promise I am going to do my best to bring them back to you – but damn, I am not looking forward to it, I already feel sick to my stomach," I said with a weak chuckle.

For once, my claims of regret didn't seem to annoy him. "Don't you already feel some relief though? It's all going to be done and over soon."

Knowing that did dissolve some grief, but the anticipation tied my stomach in knots. "There is a relief... but not much yet." Maybe I would feel better once I start my lengthy to-do list.

However, that wasn't the case.

After leaving and parting ways, I dropped the pieces and they landed where my karma demanded them: with a focused and heated backlash. To say the least, I was a crying mess the whole day. I was a mess with his ex; I was a mess with my ex. The woman broke down into a bigger sob than me, but she at least thanked me for being honest and coming forward. Matt just ripped me a new asshole.

Despite that though, I expected some relief (at least because I finally revealed the truth). For the months of emotion and guilt, I figured there would be a sense of closure. But there wasn't. It just... it just did not feel like I did enough.

Blake was right about me. Though I felt I changed a lot, it wasn't enough – not for him and it wasn't enough for me at this point. I came forward with the truth because August was going to frame me; I didn't even do it because 'it was the right thing.' And that... that was embarrassing and shameful.

Those thoughts kept me sitting at my dining table at 1:30 in the morning. It was silent and dim, with nothing but the kitchen light illuminating the cigarette resting between my fingers. For how much I had dreaded the consequences (like losing my kids), all I could think about was how I needed to do better. How to become a better person. How to change the way my kids would look at me and maybe one day be proud of me.

Moving to the country, losing the money, the way of life... it changed my perception. It changed a lot of things for me. But there was plenty of ugly still in me that didn't change and needed to. I needed to be more independent. I needed to forget about myself and my desires. I needed to accept my reality – including the probability that Blake would not be part of it. And it would have to stay that way because I had to work on myself.

More things had to change to force me to get my act together. So, it was time for another to-do list. Grabbing a pen and paper, it didn't take long to sit back down and start it.

1. Buy a car

2. Get a job

3. Pay fines and rent

4. Save money

Sure, it didn't sound like much new. However, there was a condition to this list: no assistance from anyone. Even though Blake helped me grow, I relied too heavily on him. No help with rent, a job, anything. I needed to better myself. Wait, did that mean continuing AA though? Ugh....

5. Keep going to AA (and participate)

And then there was Blake. There was a voice in me, screaming for me to try to get him back, to include him on the list. It was an irrational selfish voice I had to tune out. I loved him so much, but he deserved better than what I could offer him and that was just... how it was unfortunately.

My heart was already so sore and living across from him would be torture. It would be a shared pain. Once I get a job, maybe I should move. God, the thought was devastating. One step at a time. I had to keep telling myself that: one step at a time.

Regardless of those steps, regardless of my quest in trying to be a better person, I still needed to contend with the divorce and custody dispute. The court date was coming. Though it would be the first of many, I knew it would bitch slap me with some overdue karma.

***

Today was the day. The day that could change everything. The day that I could lose my kids. I was dressed in slacks, a navy blue camisole, and a white button-up blouse, but I might as well have been wearing a straight-jacket. My chest felt constricted, which mirrored the stuffy small courtroom. It didn't help that dad's anxiety was also fairly high; he was sitting beside me, still rattled by the news that Blake would not be my witness today.

"I can't believe you told him not to come," he said, looking over his notes with frustration.

"If he showed up, I would be more worried about him joining Matt's side."

The only communication I've had with Blake was days ago. I sent him only one text (which he didn't respond to), explaining that I didn't expect him to come. Honestly, I was fine not having a witness. Though I would still try to win, it was my battle and my mistakes to face. I was serious about bettering myself. It meant growing up and owning up to everything without any mercy, any help, or any forgiveness.

There were a few people scattered in the bench seats behind us. Dad and I sat on the right of the room. Matt and his lawyer Mr. Hanes sat on the left. Though I was incredibly anxious, once the judge entered and it started... it felt pretty laid-back actually.

Until the reason for the divorce came up. Until there were questions about custody. Until it was requested that each side make their case so the judge could decide.

Sure, I expected it. Mr. Hanes covered my drinking, party lifestyle, crashing my car with the kids, and my careless spending. It was the shit I expected. Then, there was shit I did not expect. Almost immediately... I felt panic.

"Mrs. Dunn relocated an hour north to the village of Shio after my client filed for a divorce. The unconventional location was intended to remove her from any temptations and help improve her behavior and her lifestyle. She has resided there since May 7th of this year," Mr. Hanes said into the mic, looking up from his paperwork to the judge. "She has since failed in this attempt to turn her life around. After only three months of owning her Toyota Camry, Mrs. Dunn totaled it on the way home from a party where alcohol was being consumed."

"Wow, I was not drinking." Matt fucking knew why I flipped my car; I told him everything about August, yet he wants to imply it was alcohol?!

Dad jumped in before I could speak out of turn again. "When police responded, there was no indication that my client consumed any alcohol. Her auto report deemed the Camry's breaks failed.

"Was the vehicle not inspected when Mrs. Dunn purchased the vehicle?" Mr. Hanes challenged.

Here we fucking go. I knew August would get dragged into this. I gripped the edge of my chair as dad responded. "The breaks failed because the breaks were tampered with."

"Tampered with?" the judge asked.

That's when the whole thing with August came out. Which did not at all look or sound good. Mr. Hanes painted me into an uncaring selfish mother: I could have resolved the issue with August long ago, but instead allowed destructive tactics to take place in my life. I also lived next to the guy while still seeing the kids. So yeah... not good. I could feel us just losing more and more as the minutes passed.

Of course, since the suing happened during my destructive selfish phase, dad defended I had changed since then. Even brought up the recent agreement with August, demonstrating it was an act of maturity. "My client chose to come clean, knowing the consequences. Knowing that it would be used against her today. Knowing it would paint her into a careless mother. But coming clean was worth it because she did it for her kids. All she wants is what's best for her kids and that means having them in her life. Those kids need her. So she did everything to make her life stable, ending this dispute between her and Mr. August Winston before it got worse."

But Matt and his lawyer were relentless. Having information from rat-face too definitely gave them an edge. "If Mrs. Dunn couldn't stand the thought of losing her kids, it would be logical to assume she would take her sobriety seriously, to attain that stable life-style. Instead, she has been absent the last two of her AA sessions. Which she only briefly began attending again."

Jesus, why were they focusing on the drinking? It was pissing me off. For all my mistakes, I was proud to say that I haven't had a sip of alcohol. Hell, I was five months sober – the one thing I've done right – and Matt knew that!

Ugh, it was hard keeping my mouth shut and letting dad speak for me. "Mrs. Dunn missed the past few meetings because she was out of town those days. Sticking to her goal – and her achievement of being 5 months sober – she returned and attended this week's meeting."

"Your honor, she is not five months sober. May I approach?" Mr. Hanes asked the judge, walking up and handing him a manila file.

What the hell was in that file? I was confused. What did he mean I wasn't five months sober? After Mr. Hanes gave him the file, the judge looked through it for a long moment before speaking. "Mrs. Dunn, would you mind explaining who Jasmine Ackridge is to you?"

Oh god. Now... now I was completely fucked. My heart fell and the poisonous feeling of dread spread through me. "She was once a close friend of mine."

"Was once? These phone records and pictures are barely three weeks old. Did you not contact this woman three weeks ago?"

Christ, I could strangle Sid! I was so careful when I met up with her, but clearly not careful enough. Obviously Sid's spying skills have improved. "Yes, I did contact her."

"And what is being exchanged in these photos?" he asked, holding up the large prints. It showed Jasmine and I from a slight distance, capturing the moment she handed me the drugs.

"Listen—"

Dad squeezed my arm to shut me up. "With all due respect your honor, she is not on trail. The ruling today will be on whether or not full-custody—"

"Purchasing cocaine is absolutely a factor in determining if Mrs. Dunn is a fit parent."

"My client is a fit parent. She is willing to take a drug test at any time," my dad defended.

"So she bought drugs, but didn't consume them?"

"Correct. Mrs. Dunn was threatened and antagonized by a man who lived 15 yards away from her. She took appropriate action and filed several complaints with police, but it didn't remove him as a threat. My client had to sit there and take this abuse. Out of desperation, she bought cocaine and planted it in his home for it to be found by their landlord. She wanted him evicted and arrested; that was her motive. The impulsive action of planting drugs was out of desperation for her safety, not because she was immature. She wanted to preserve her stability and found no other way to stop him."

"Her motives aren't my concern," the judge said. "Mrs. Dunn purchased drugs, broke into someone's home, and framed them. This recent occurrence doesn't reflect stable behavior or any maturity from her past choices. There will always be reasons, motives, and excuses, and I have no interest in those."

This was not going well. Not at all. Nothing seemed to go well after that. Dad launched into a series of defenses, examples, and a whole case of how I was a changed woman and a fit mother. He even pulled out a log of Matt's hours and his work schedule, showing how often he was gone. Just how much I needed to be there for the kids. And how the kids, when not with me, spend most of their time with their grandparents because Matt was too busy.

"She was the one that did everything for them when Mr. Dunn was working. She did the grocery shopping, cooked every meal, took them to school, their doctors appointments, put them to bed."

Surprisingly, Matt spoke up instead of his annoying lawyer. "When did this happen? When did she cook, clean, and actually take care of the kids? She only did that after I started working. What was she doing before that? What was she doing most of the time? During the first years of their lives? She was out being a selfish party girl. She buckled down after I started working, but even then, it didn't keep her from getting wasted and nearly killing our children in a car accident."

This was a nightmare! We had some good shots, good points, but nothing wonderful. Dad tried his hardest, but I felt it just wasn't good enough. Driving drunk with my kids, putting my youngest in the hospital, my impulsive moves, missing AA, buying cocaine, my shallow dispute with August... I mean the judge would not be on my side. I wasn't even on my side!

But even though I didn't deserve to win, the kids deserved for me to win. Matt did work a lot. They deserved to have me there in some capacity, in some way, even if just the weekends They didn't deserve to have a mother not there for them. Only seeing them on weekends the past few months were awful, but I still saw them and we still had an amazing time. I couldn't imagine not having that at all.

The judge and the gray walls turned blurry from my watering eyes. This did not go well. Finally, the aging judge looked to me with a neutral gaze. "At this time, Mrs. Dunn is allowed a witness."

"Your honor, unfortunately my client...."

Dad's words stalled when a man walked into sight. My aching chest fluttered in surprise. I couldn't believe it. He showed up.

With dress pants and a button-up, Blake stepped up to the podium situated between both sides. His hair was filed back, the longer strands tucked and curled behind his ears. It allowed me to see the side of his calm face. I just... couldn't believe he was here.

"State your name for the record."

"Blake Michael McCormick."

"How do you know Mrs. Dunn?" the judge asked.

"I'm a business owner and landlord up in Shio. Mrs. Dunn is one of my tenants and I actually hired her to work for me over this summer."

Well... I guess he wasn't here to busy me. It gave me a little hope. Of course, I couldn't help but feel anxious. I missed him, wanted to talk to him, wanted to thank him, impulsively wanted to make up and apologize. Especially when he spoke on why I deserved to have the kids in my life.

"When Mrs. Dunn moved into one of my houses, it was obvious she was out of her element. She was struggling to adjust and was tight on money. She also was brutally honest about the condition of my houses," he said amusingly. "I hired her to help renovate and clean the houses on our road. She had to do landscape work in the heat, and when inside, she would be knee-deep in dust and grime. Mrs. Dunn didn't care though because it meant getting by. In this process, we became great friends, and I can attest she hated the labor, the limited social life, and the boredom of my little town. But she put up with it and never once thought about drinking or giving up. Mrs. Dunn displayed nothing but perseverance to keep her kids in her life and that was her sole goal."

Blake was a genuine and charismatic man, allowing his words to drive home to everyone. But they drove home especially to me. There was no doubt in my mind that I would lose today, but I couldn't help but smile at how fiercely he defended me.

"She was allowed to have the kids up in Shio over the weekends. She didn't waste a second of that time. A few times, I had the pleasure of spending some time with them and – just based on what I have seen – they seem to love their mother as much as she loves them. They were always going to the park, the beach, playing games, doing things together and going places." He paused, looking down for a second before meeting the judge's eyes again. "I can't really imagine her being this cold person she use to be. I've only known her a few months. She definitely can be materialistic at times, I will say that. Sometimes entitled and spoiled. But she is a warm and caring person – and she worked her ass off to turn her life around. I believe she needs to pay for her mistakes, but I don't believe that payment should be her children."

My heart was rolling from both pain and glee from his words. I was so grateful he came today; so grateful. I wanted to do this on my own, but it meant so much to me. I could see it meant something to the judge too.

The judge continued looking at Blake, studying him before responding. "There has been speculation that you are romantically involved with Mrs. Dunn. Would you care to speak to that?"

"Yes, I would actually," he said, finally meeting my eyes for a small second before returning to the judge. "I'm her landlord, we live across from each other, and she works for me. Naturally, we've grown close these past few months, and it's disappointing that our friendship is something that her ex is trying to exploit. There is nothing romantic or intimate going on between me and Mrs. Dunn. We are over ten years apart, and to put it bluntly, I'm not romantically interested in her."

"Thank you, Mr. McCormick."

He stepped down and returned to his seat, keeping his eyes down. Then, for as long the day was, it was over after a long moment of silence. The judge's powerful eyes looked directly to me.

This was it....

"Mrs. Dunn. There is no question that you love your children, but your children require more than love. This transitional period in your life is also a transitioning period for them. They need stability, consistency, and reassurance. You have displayed effort in offering this to them – but effort is nothing without results. It is... disturbing and astounding to me the amount of times you've displayed skewed judgment. Your damaging actions have reflected a reckless life-style that no child should be subjected to."

Pausing, he licked his lips and sighed. There was a glint in his eyes, one that finally displayed sympathy. I was hanging on every word, holding my breath as he continued speaking. "Mrs. Dunn, I truly hope you continue pushing to improve your behavior and I hope that my decision here today will motivate you. I award full-custody to Mr. Dunn."

Full-custody... to Matt. The damning words reverberated through me and I closed my watering eyes. I just lost my kids. I just lost... my boys. It was done, it was over; full-custody to Matt. I expected to lose, but it didn't ease the impact of that sledgehammer to my heart. The judge said a few more things before we were dismissed. But I just...kept my eyes down, skittishly readjusting myself, my hands, running a hand through my hair, trying to contain the agony from turning into a sob. My kids, my boys... dear god.

Though the room was clearing out, dad remained patiently next to me and took my hand in his. "I'm sorry."

All I could do was shake my head. It wasn't my dad's fault; he tried his best. It wasn't the judge's fault or Matt's fault. This was all on me. I couldn't believe I did this. I couldn't believe I allowed myself to do this to myself and my kids. I wouldn't get to see my boys and they wouldn't get to see me. I had to just hope that someday, Matt would allow me back into their lives.

However, there was no hope that Blake would allow me back into his. After getting up to leave, I wanted to thank Blake, but realized he was already gone. I wasn't sure why he helped me today, but it didn't mean he forgave me. Right now, I didn't want to be forgiven. I wanted (almost desperately) to feel the pain that I deserved.

Of course, Blake and I couldn't go on forever without seeing or talking to each other. So when it actually and finally happened... it was not what I expected.

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Sorry for the delay! But it's up and hey, a lot has happened... Tell me your thoughts! We are getting there guys, how do you think Ruth's story will close? We still have a bit so don't panic, but we are getting there haha