The pain was greater than any other pain I had ever had to endure.

Wandering through the mountains, the exact same road I had taken to reach the capital of Anderion an eternity ago to retrieve my brother's body, before I had started loving the king, the sadness was so deep, I felt physical pain in my heart.

I had only pretended to sleep. Tobirama had watched me for hour after hour, but finally, I recognised the soft breathing that had become so familiar to me after we'd been travelling together for so long and which meant he was sleeping. I had been crying constantly in bed because I knew what I was about to do. 

The decision wasn't a spur of the moment one. Quite the opposite, I had considered it since the day we left for travelling. On the many days on Jenna, I had sensed the king watching me questioningly, noticing I was deep in thought, yet he hadn't pushed me to tell him what was wrong. And even if he had, I would've lied. It was quite some time ago now that the decision had been made.

I was going to the capital to join the war on the side of the humans.

As I wandered through the beautiful mountains, the spring colours of purple and green and white painting the grounds for me, becoming more and more speckled with the reds and yellows of autumn the closer I got to the valley of the capital, I broke down crying several times. My last moments with the king had etched themselves on my retina, and I kept reliving them. How I had planted a soft kiss on his cheekbone, so prominent beneath his white, powdery skin. How he had smiled in his sleep and I had lingered, not only because I wanted to keep him smiling but because I, selfishly enough, wanted to experience the elven touch for as long as possible as I knew my memory would never be able to capture the true essence of it. Finally, I had clambered out of my bed, stopped in the doorway with my back to him, and was just about to turn around to get one last glimpse of him when I thought better of it, and just left. 

This is it. This is the last time you will be with him.

I didn't cry during my journey to the capital because I missed the king. I didn't cry because we would go against each other in war.

I cried because I knew he would die, and because I knew it would be by my hand.

I stopped one last time before I reached the capital, at a small river on the border of never-ending autumn, and drank. I took off the cloak I was wearing, a silken one Nicholas had made, and threw it in the water, and put on a simple grey one I had taken from home before I left.

Should I have left a note?

I had considered it, but decided against it. I had no good reason to leave Tobirama a note. And I lacked the words to express the many ways in which the king made me feel, physical and non-physical. I buckled my belt around my waist, fastened my sword underneath it on my back, and walked the last bit to the capital.

It had been seven days since I left Tobirama, and I had no idea if he was already here for the war. 

I hadn't even considered how I would be welcomed by the humans. The villagers had always been kind, and since I killed the captains they'd been very respectful, but being a person who lived most of my life inside myself, I hadn't interacted with them much since my family died. Micha had been my only friend. Gedallion perhaps. But I was still surprised at the cold welcome.

The humans had set up camp in the bowl-shaped valley where the castle lay, and their camp was enormous. Thousands of cone-shaped tents shot up through the grounds, made out of dark wooden pillars with fabrics of green and white, yellow and red, purple and orange, making me finally grasp how vast the valley was as the camp still only covered one corner of it. There were horses, swords, axes, humans in chainmail, humans without chainmail... I was enormously impressed by their organisation. I didn't know humans were capable of bringing their forces together this way and, even if I was completely against the war, I couldn't help but feel a jolt of pride.

But when I had walked for a while, I started noticing that the men, women and non-binaries were looking at me strangely, pointing, whispering. I frowned. Were my skills that known that people knew about me across the country? Were they happy to see me, seeing they would lose less people if I joined the war? But why weren't they welcoming me? Why-

"What is your business here?"

I turned round, and came face-to-face with...

"Gedallion?"

There was hostility in her eyes, not just a lack of love but a presence of hatred. This woman who had been so kind to me, who had stood by my side and explained everything to me in the aftermaths of my brother's death, who had given me cookies whenever she saw me... There was no trace of that in her eyes now.

"I-" I began, but she gave me no room.

"Get out, filth. Get back to the elves. Go back and teach them how to be good killing machines."

What?

More and more people had gathered behind her, the same hostility in their eyes.

"We've heard the stories", one elderly man said. "How you trained the army in exchange for bedding the king."

Oh, good gracious me...

"I'm not here to pick a fight." My voice was tense; I was speaking through gritted teeth. "I'm here to help you win the war against the elves."

"We don't need your help", Gedallion said.

"Yes, you do, actually", I retorted. "The elves are vastly outnumbered, but they're skilled warriors. Each elf will take down several of you before they die. You need me to keep your fatality numbers down."

"Would that be the case, if you hadn't had the good grace to train them against us?" Gedallion said.

"Look", I said, suddenly angry. How dare they speak to me like this? "I went to the capital to get my brother's body back. The king had me hostage." That wasn't strictly true. "I did what I had to do in order to get out and help you. I calculated. Sacrificing myself would get more of you killed by the absence of me in war that training the king's army and then helping you will." This part, at least, was true.

"Just tell me this", Gedallion said, her eyes venom. A large group had gathered in a circle around me by then, looking at me viciously. I wasn't frightened; I could defeat all of them within a heartbeat. My hand was constantly aware of the handle of my sword. "Did you, or did you not bed the king?"

How the fuck is that any of your motherfucking and fatherfucking business?

I narrowed my eyes, looked around me at the people. Underneath my anger there was the deep sadness of being bullied. Had I really done so wrong? I had been careful not to train the elves to become better at killing; I'd just made sure each kill would be as painless as possible. But I realised there was no good way to explain this and, even if there were, these people weren't interested in hearing me out; they had already decided where they stood regarding their opinion on me. I tried to imagine the elves behaving in the same way, but failed. They would've asked, cautious yet curious and courteous, and listened while I explained no matter how long it would take.

I turned around and walked away.