Two days had passed, the waitress woke up in the hospital with lacerations covering a third of her body, multiple bruises, both eyes blacked out, broken nose, cracked cheek bone, fractured skull, and a concussion. She slipped into a mild coma during the fight and I reportedly refused to stop beating the woman; I had to be forcefully removed from her and the restaurant.

I spent the night behind bars, my court hearing was the following morning, which happened quickly because according to the judge, he had too much to do to be pussy footing around. My bond was set to two hundred and fifty dollars, first offence assault charge with a dash of insanity; Star bailed me out. I had no memory of what I had done, Star had to fill me in with the details on the way home; I was horrified by my actions. "I can't believe you did that! I mean I have seen you mad, I have seen you throw tantrums, but never, have I ever, seen you act like that!" Star continued after explaining what I did. I sat quietly in the passenger's seat of her car staring out the window counting the trees as we passed them, I was tuning in and out so obviously I didn't hear everything she said, it was getting harder for me to maintain my focus.

I had so many thoughts racing around in my mind, I was trying to listen to Star, but the only thing I could hear was a loud ringing in my head. I felt like time was standing still and I was the only one moving or like God pushed the pause button on everyone and everything then pushed the fast forward button on me; either that or I was the one frozen while the world passed me up, either way I couldn't really tell. Star has had time to process this, I have not.

She dropped me off at home and left immediately because she had to go to work. She worked at a Mexican restaurant called Pablo's (the owner's name is Pablo) it was maybe ten minutes away from my house and she had to be there in fifteen, so she had just enough time to drop me off and go. Once I walked inside, I flopped myself down on the couch and began staring at the ceiling; there was so much going through my head that I could not think to do anything else. My voice: 'I feel faint, distant, ashamed, and scared. I know what I did was wrong, but sometimes I cannot control myself. To me everything goes dark and it is like my body controls me instead of the other way around. I cannot sleep, the voices in my head get loud, too loud. I dream of the day I can control my anger; the aggression is too strong. I dream of the day when I can get along with the voices that I hear once again, because I know they will not go away. People around me think I need medication but, the medicine only muffles the sound, it does not make them stop.'

**********

Suicide crosses my mind often (probably more often than it should, and yes, I know, it should not cross my mind at all), but I don't have the guts to do it. It is an (not so) easy way out, but is the world really better off without me? Faint whisper: *Yes! * There it goes again.

Is it worth fighting to stay alive? *No, just do it! * See what I mean?

Why am I here anyway? What is my purpose in life? *You don't have one, you are worthless! * Do you understand now?

Another voice: *Shannon! *

I snapped out of my thoughts, sat up quickly, and my heart began to throb viciously in my chest; I had to call Shannon. I had not heard from her yet! She must be freaking out or maybe she hates me now, uh, I am such an idiot! I thought. I scrolled through my contact list, found her number, and clicked the call button. The phone rang three times, I was nervous, she answered. My heart eased slightly knowing she was still going to talk to me. "Hello? Lizzy is that you?" She answered frantically with a hint of nervousness. I could just picture her with her eyes wide, and nervous look resting uneasily on her face, with her left hand to her mouth while she held the phone tight with her right hand against her ear waiting for my voice to come across the other end. "Yes! Shannon, I am so sorry! Please forgive me! I have no idea what came over me!" I pleaded with her in hopes that she would accepts my apology. "Calm down hun, its ok! I understand, trust me! I have had a similar experience myself, no need to worry! I'm just glad to hear you on your cell, that must mean Star picked you up!" My heart slowed to its normal beat. I allowed myself to fall backwards on the couch to relax my tense muscles.

We continued talking for a little while longer before I checked the time and realized I was supposed to be at Dr. Baker's office in ten minutes. "Oh no! Shannon I am sorry but, I got to go! I have an appointment with Dr. Baker!"

"I know I'm going with you! I'm standing outside!" I jumped up with a mixture of shock and excitement. "What? Really?". I walked over to the window and peeked out; a smile found its way onto my pathetic looking face. "You are amazing!" I hung up the phone and rushed out the door to give her a hug.

We rode together in her car to Dr. Baker's office, laughing and enjoying each other's company the whole way, (without mentioning what happened at Applebee's), but as soon as we pulled up to Dr. Baker's office my entire attitude took a turn for the worse; my depression and awareness of reality slapped me across the face and the stinging pain stuck like glue. I couldn't face Dr. Baker, I had no idea how I was going to get through this session.

I felt a hand gently sit on top of mine. "Lizzy? Are you okay?" Shannon asked with concern in her voice. I did not realize I was staring at the building with fear written all over my face and tears beginning to flood my eyes until she touched me. I snapped out of my trans and wiped the fresh tears from my eyes before they had a chance to stream down my face, I smiled politely at her and said, "Yea, I'm ok. Let's go." We went inside, sat down, and waited for Dr. Baker. He appeared at the end of the long hallway leading to the break room and smiled the whole walk toward us. He opened the door to his office and motioned us in, Shannon walked in first greeting him with a returned smile. When I passed by, his smile changed to concern. He closed the door and took a seat in front of us.

"Lizzy?" Dr. Baker spoke, silence took control of me and refused to allow me to answer. He leaned forward in his chair, rested his elbows on the arm rests, and laced his fingers, his concerned look deepened. "I heard about what happened at Applebee's, your lawyer called me this morning. Is that why you aren't talking?" Silence. "Lizzy, I need you to answer me." He said softly. I couldn't. *Don't you dare open your mouth! * The one demon in my head that I have never been able to get along with spoke in a raspy whisper. "Lizzy?" Dr. Baker called one last time, still nothing. "Ok, could you sit in the lobby for me for a few minutes please?" He asked. Confused, I stood and made my way back to the lobby leaving Shannon alone with Dr. Baker.

*That's right! Keep your mouth shut! * It felt like my lips were glued shut. Something was wrong, I could feel it, but what was it? Tears lined my cheeks, my skin turned pale from the feeling of nausea creeping up on me. I wanted to hide myself from the world and wait for this nightmare I called life to end.

A few minutes later (that felt like hours) Dr. Baker called me back into his office. I stood and walked slowly with my head down staring at the floor. I sat down in the same chair again, the one that brought this horrible feeling to me. The room was so quiet all I could hear was the ticking of the clock on the wall. I just sat there listening to that annoying sound that would drive Captain Hook insane. *Tick tock, tick tock*.

My phone rang breaking the silence in the room. I pulled it out of my pocket, seen the name, and my whole demeanor changed instantly, Star! "Hey!" I answered happily, expecting the sound of Star's voice to pull me out of my funk. It was not her on the other end, "Is this Lizzy?" The male voice asked. "Yes, who is this?" My heart sank to my ankles. I knew immediately something bad happened. "Star, she...." The man began and paused. "She what?" I asked, almost yelling into the phone with a fear-stricken voice. Now Shannon and I had something else in common; we both lost someone we love in a horrible car accident; I felt a pop in my chest and fell to the floor.