Preeti's point of view

It was like a horrible dream, a nightmare when at one time I pleaded to Siddharth to save me while another minute, I was begging to him to kill me while holding his legs, not him but others too. I was begging to them to kill me because the pain was unbearable. At that time I was thinking about no one because pain was so much and unbearable that, that time I just wanted to die. I couldn't see Siddharth's moist eyes who was looking at me with pain in his eyes and when I bleed from my abdomen, everything went blank and I was walking into the deepest darkness.

When Siddharth told me about our baby, that we lost him, it was like a part of me dead. I wanted to die.

She killed our child. Our unborn baby.

Half of the time, I was lost in my own world and think about my baby who might come in Siddharth and my life after eight months but she killed him. She snatched our happiness from us. I will pray to God to give her punishment for killing our baby.

These past two weeks, I was in hospital and got discharged today. Siddharth was driving the car while I was sitting on the passenger seat l, looking outside the window, lost in my thoughts. In past two weeks Siddharth took care of me like I was a child. He feeds me, help me in washroom and helped me to cleaning myself.

He also read books for me but tears welled up in my eyes when I can see his pain through his bravery mask. He is very good it put that brave mask but I know how lonely he is feeling right now. He lost his baby and could be lost his wife too. I can understand his condition because when he met the accident, I was also miserable and afraid for him at least a month. I also can't help him because right now, I also drawn in my own sorrow.

Today when I got discharged doctor told me I am fine now but I have to take care of myself because I am weak. Siddharth assured doctor Malik and helped me change into blush pink suit and helped me to braided my hair. I feel so much warm and love when he did that but I didn't said anything. In past two weeks, I didn't even smile to him. He tried many time to lift my mood but I didn't reciprocate any of his gestures.

"We reached." I looked up and saw Siddharth was standing at my side stretching his hand towards me, waiting for me to take it. I looked around and saw our car is parked in the driveway of our house. I was so lost in my own that I didn't realize when we reached and when he came to my side and open the door for me.

I put my hand in his and he helped me to step out from the car. He hold me by my waist to secure me when I was about to fall because I am still to weak to walk my myself. He closed the passenger door and walked us to the entrance of the house where mom was standing with keerti, my mother and others, with a aarti thali in her hand.

I was about to bend down to touch Mom's feet when she stopped me by holding my both shoulders and said, "Please beta don't bend down. My blessings is always with you and Siddharth."

I gave her a small smile and she caressed my hair lovingly. She took my arti and did my tilak while Siddharth was standing beside me holding me.

"Preeti..beta why do you not fill your hair partition with vermillion." My hand automatically reached my hair partition when mummy said. This is the first time, I forgot to fill my hairline and I feel so embarrassed and hurt. Not a single day went when I didn't fill my hairline with vermillion and today I forgot.

"Don't worry Isha ji. Sid fill Preeti's hairline with vermillion." Mom said.

I looked at Siddharth and he was already looking at me with love and unreadable emotions. He then took the pinch of vermillion from aarti thal and raised his hand up to my hairline. My eyes met with his deep coffee brown eyes and I saw love with pain in his eyes. I closed my eyes when he finally filled my hairline with vermillion and cupped my left cheek.

I opened my eyes and we both lost in eachother, like sharing our loss and pain through our eyes.

"Sid, took Preeti to your room. I will send both of your lunch to your room. Till then take some rest." Siddharth nodded his head and took my hand. As I was about to walk towards our room, I stumbled on my feet due to weakness and was about to fall when..

"Preeti.." Siddharth hold me by my waist on time and save me from falling. Without wasting any minute and caring for others presence he lifted me in his arms in a bridal style and walked towards our room. I was too weak to protest so let him lifted me and hide my red face in his chest.

*****

He carefully laid me on the bed and tucked me under the blanket. He set beside me and caressed my cheek lovingly. Then I noticed his appearance. He was wearing a white jacket along with white t-shirt and denim ripped jeans, matched his attire with white shoes and black wrist watch, looking all handsome.

"I'll go and bring something for you to eat." He said while making circles on my left cheek lovingly.

"I'm not hungry." I protested.

"Please love. You have to take medicines."

"But.."

"For me.." He whispered while looking deep into my eyes. Looking so much intensity in his eyes, I sighed and nodded my head.

"Okey.." I said.

"I'll just come in a minute." He said and leaned to me. I closed my eyes and leaned to the touch when I feel his lips on my forehead. After kissing on my forehead, he leave and come after five minutes with food in his hand.

He make me eat the food till it's last bite and then make me laid on the bed after giving me medicines. Soon sleep engulfed me and I don't know whe I dozed off.

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It's been a month since I discharged from hospital. My body is healing slowly but emotionally, I am still wounded. Our baby's leave a deep impact to me emotionally and it affected Siddharth's and mine relationship also. We talked less and stop sharing things with each other. It's wasn't him who didn't talk to me or didn't share anything, it's me who talk less to him. He took me out many times to divert my mind and tried everything so I could move on but all the time I think about our baby. How much pain he went through when he died. He must be call for his mumma or papa to help him but we couldn't.

Siddharth told me to join office again but I declined. I don't want to do anything. It felt like my life has stopped and I refused to move on. Whole day I was sitting on our room's balcony and think about our baby. I only came into our room when Siddharth came home from office. Exhaustion and tiredness clearly visible on his face and I can see in his eyes longing for me to touch me, to took me in a warm hug. But I always being a selfish, ignore all his emotions and care. Keerti also sits with me hours and try to pull me in a conversation but I just hear her talk and didn't utter a single word.

I was sitting on our bed and looking outside through the window, lost in my thoughts when Siddharth called me. I looked at him and he was combing his hair.

"Preeti can you bring the tie for me from closet?" Siddharth said while looking at me through the mirror.

Without saying anything or nodding my head, I got up from the bed and went inside the closet and choose the tie for him, matching to his business suit. This is the only way we talked each other. He deliberately forgets things and told me to bring them for him.

I forward the tie to him but he didn't make any move to take it.

"Tie this for me." He said with hope and I nodded my head blankly.

He leaned down little, I put the tie around his neck and started tying his tie. His hands automatically found their way around my waist and he pulled me to him. This is the only touch we share in a day. In past days, we haven't make love, not a single lip kiss, we don't even share a hug. Siddharth wants to do all these things to me but I pushed him away.

"Today you have a appointment with Dr. Malik right?" He asked me while I was busy tying his tie. I nodded my head without meeting his eyes.

"Okey..I will come home at lunch time. Then we will go together." He said while making small circles on my waist which were causing the spark in my whole body but I ignore them.

"Don't worry. You might be busy. I'll go with driver." I said while adjusting tie between his collar and brushed it.

He put his hand under my chin and lifted up, make me look into his deep coffee brown eyes, which was fill with hurt but care at the same time.

"If you want a space from me, I will give you that love but Please don't push me away from you and hurt yourself. It's fucking hurts to see you like that." He whispered while looking deep into my eyes, like he was talking directly to my soul.

Tears welled up in my eyes looking at him but I control them and don't let them fall from my eyes. He cupped my right cheek and we both keep looking at each other with love, care, hurt and so much emotions. We both know how much hurt we are and need each other for healing ourselves.

He leaned down and I know what is coming next. His eyes were closed and lips are just an inch away from me. My heart is beating faster and I can feel his hot breath on my lips. When his lips about to touch mine, put my both hands on his chest and turn my face on other direction.

"You might be late for office." He opened his eyes and looked at me. I saw hurt in his eyes and I swear it feel like someone stabbed directly into my heart looking so much hurt in his eyes. I want kill myself before looking that much hurt in his eyes. He straightened himself and look another direction to cover his hurt.

"I'll see you at evening. " After saying this he walked out from the room without looking back to me.

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"Well..Preeti your reports looks good and you are recovering fast. You must feel weakness but don't worry it will gone soon." Dr. Malik said while writing a medicines on prescription pad.

"I'll see you next week." Dr. Malik said while giving me the prescription.

"Thankyou Doctor." I took the prescription from him and keep it my handbag and after taking medicines I leave from the hospital with Andrew. Siddharth sent Andrew with two other body guards for my safety.

When I reached home I saw Reina di and Bua Ji was sitting in living room with Mom. They both smiled at me and I walked to them. I touched Mom's feet and Bua ji feets and she blessed me. When I was about to touch Raina Di's feet, she stopped me and took me in a hug.

"Where is Siddharth? Didn't he go with you?" Bua ji asked me  and I lowered my head in shame.

I don't know what to say to him that he wanted to come but I stopped him. I am so drawn in my own sorrow that I am pushing him away and the worst part is, I know I'm hurting him but can't stop myself hurting him and took him in a warm hug.

"He must go direct to office after dropping her here." Mom answered  bua ji's question instead of me and I feel more embarrassed because may be Mom sense my uncomfortableness when bua ji asked me question.

I asked about Krisha and Reina di told me that she is sleeping. Buja ji and di asked about me about my health and told me to take care of myself. After sometime Bua ji and Mom went inside the room and Reina di and I settled in the living room. I was fledging with my fingers while she was talking to me. I tried my best to focus on her talk but I couldn't.

"Preeti..I know this is not my place to say anything in your personal life but I can see the differences between you and Siddharth." I raised my head from my lap and looked at her when she mentioned Siddharth and mine relationship. Is that, that much obvious to everyone that something is missing between us.

"Don't look shock. Sid and your love is not hide from anyone's eyes. The way you both looked at each other with love and affection, anyone can tell how much you both love and care for eachother. But today when I went to meet him in his office, he looked off and lost and here is same goes with you." She said while putting her hand on mine.

I don't know Siddharth is going under the same condition as mine. I was so lost in my own sorrow that I ignore the pain of my Siddharth.

"I know you lost your baby and feeling miserable but he also lost his baby. Not the baby but he is slowly loosing you also. I can understand your pain because before Krisha I also lost my first baby. My condition was also miserable like you but I moved on for my husband, for my family. I lost my baby but I didn't want to loose them also. They need me, my family, my husband needed me." Reina di continue.

I don't  know she was also go through the same pain as mine. At once she was also miserable because of her loss but now she is blessed with a beautiful daughter. But she is right, I am pushing away Siddharth. I already lost my baby but don't want loose him. Tears welled up in my eyes thinking about that and I looked at her through  my teary eyes.

"Preeti we move on in our life and we have to for our love ones. Just once think about as Sid's perspective. I can't erase the image from my mind when he was crying like a baby holding your mother, when you were in ICU. First time I saw him crying him like this. At one side he lost his baby and on the other side he was about to lost his wife, his love, his life. Don't push him away Preeti. He also needs you as much as you need him. Don't let him loose you Preeti. Don't let anyone come between you and your love."

I broke into tears when morning incident reply in my mind. He wanted to kiss me, love me but I push him away. I can see the hurt in his eyes but since when I became so selfish that I ignore his hurt. He is going through the same pain but instead off consoling him, I made a distance from him. The longing in his eyes for me, I can clearly see that but I ignored it.

But no more. I want my Siddharth back. I want to love him, I want be the reason for his smile, I want to feel the warmth of his body again.

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