❂ Chapter 6 ❂

"Of course, I would."

Of course, he would. I managed to take a sip of my coffee and not cough mid-gulp. It tasted awful. I looked out the window. People walked along the footpath, all minding their own business. Must be nice, I thought, though I didn't have much to think about. I sighed. I couldn't make this situation grey and continue wasting time thinking about how guilty I'd feel after all this. It would have to be black and white. A yes or no. And I'd have to say yes. Yes to whatever the man says.

Rory ended up needing surgery for her wrist. She got a cast. She said that she was in a hit-and-run. The doctors said this was the best outcome. When dad and I got home, I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I made sure dad and mom didn't see that. I didn't want to scare them. At that moment, I was terrified. It both wasn't and was my fault. I didn't want to think about it anymore. After that episode, I rushed to the coffee shop where I first met the man.

He was there. Waiting for me. He knew I would come.

I looked over at him. He drank his coffee. Composed. He understood that I was agreeing to his terms now. That he gave me no choice. He had the ability to hurt my older sister who's in a completely different state. There was nothing I could do now but go along with his plan.

"What should I call you?" I asked the man.

"Henry."

I frowned. What an innocent name. "Okay."

"We'll meet here next week," he said. "I expect you to bring the files."

He didn't wait for a response. He left. I watched his back. The way the door closed behind him. And through the glass, him walking along the sidewalk.

I tried to take another sip of coffee. It spilled on my lap.

"Shit," I muttered under my breath.

I stared at the stain on my jeans. A lump filled my throat and my eyes burned. It might have been only a simple coffee stain but not being able to clean it made me realize just how little control I had over my life now. Can't even clean up my own mistakes. There's no way I'll be able to clean up whatever happens next.

I looked back up. I couldn't see him anymore.

I took out my phone. I wanted to call Rory. I needed assurance from her that she truly was okay. Then things would at least feel okay. I called her.

She picked up after a few rings. At the sound of her groggy, "Hello," I felt terrible. I felt a whole lot of things. I knew I should have called her sooner. But I was calling her now, I told myself like that meant something. I was calling her because I needed to make sure she was okay so that I could be okay. It doesn't mean something other than that I'm selfish.

"You sound like you died," I said. I was trying to be funny. Distracting. Instead, I probably sounded morbid. Jokes are hard.

"How kind of you to say so, Jaxon," she said but I could hear her smile and I felt myself smile too.

"How are you?"

"I could be worse."

I frowned. I didn't like Rory saying that. She shouldn't be saying that. She had a real reason to be upset. To feel something. It's the middle of the spring semester of her first year in college. This is going to make things hard for her. And she's smart. She's really smart. And hardworking. She's very hardworking. But just because she's all those things, doesn't mean she should deal with this.

"Don't say that," I said over the phone. It came out as a plea even to my own ears. I didn't want her to think the same way I did.

"It's true," Rory insisted. "The doctors said so themselves. I only have a broken wrist. I should be completely healed by the summer."

I knew the doctors said that. It could be worse. It takes away the fact that things are bad regardless of what they could have been.

"That's good." It was. Objectively. "What are you going to do for finals?"

She explained how she emailed her professors. That everyone was accommodating and nice. That she had someone who would share their notes. Plans for exams were in progress.

"It's gonna work out?" I asked.

"Of course!"

I breathed in. I closed my eyes and tightened my grip on the phone. I stayed seated on the chair at the corner of the coffee shop. "We're you...we're you scared?"

I could hear her breathing change. I looked out the window. I waited for her response.

"Yeah," she whispered. "The car came out of nowhere. I was shocked. You always hear about these things but you never think they'd happen to you, you know?"

"Yeah." Sometimes I wait for these things to happen to me.

"But don't worry Jaxon, everything will be okay. I appreciate you calling to check up on me."

I looked around the coffee shop. "Thanks, yeah, um. Any other news?"

"Well, actually." She giggled.

I stood up straight. "Did you just giggle?"

"Oh shut up and listen." Now she was laughing. "So remember that boy I was telling you about? The one in my math class?"

"I do." She mentioned him last time. He didn't seem to be particularly special to mention again.

"He also called to check on me. He said he heard the news from the girls in our study group. Anyway, he's gonna help me out and so we're going to have plenty of alone time together." She ended with another giggle. Like she somehow created this whole event specifically for this to happen. And while I wouldn't put that past her, I knew that wasn't the case.

"Rory," I said seriously. "Is he at least cute?"

"Of course!"

"No Rory. There's a difference. Is he cute because of his personality or is he cute because he's cute?"

"You are so shallow!" She kept giggling.

"Call me shallow, but I am asking the right questions."

"Let's say both then."

"So he's ugly? You haven't even showed me a picture of him."

"I'm the one with the crush, you don't get to do this to me."

I laughed at that. She laughed too. We laughed for a while. I realized how long it's been since we've talked.

As the laughter quieted down, I whispered a question, shy. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Of course!"

"I know I just made fun of you but don't make fun of me for this, okay?"

"I'll definitely make fun of you."

"I know." I sighed. I decided to just go for it. "How do I ask a girl out?"

I heard a gasp.

"No way! No way!" She must have been jumping up and down. With how her voice boomed through the phone accompanied by stomping sounds. I didn't think she'd get so excited. I didn't understand why she was getting so excited. "You like a person? Like a crush? Like always thinking of them and stuff?"

"I admire her," I answered, my cheeks warming as she gushed. There's no reason for her to be this enthusiastic. "I like that she does what she wants and doesn't care about what others think of her."

"Aww, I get that. So are you in the stage of just wanting to get to know her?"

"I guess."

I chewed the inside of my cheeks. I did like Alex. If I was going to ask her out through coercion, I wanted to at least ask her out nicely. She'll probably say no. Maybe she'll say yes. I don't know.

"Why don't you start slow then? Ask her if she wants to hang out and take it from there. You don't have to use the word date."

I blinked. That sounded reasonable. It sounded safe. She probably wouldn't go out with me anyway. I only had to get to her house. I didn't have to actually go on a date. I don't know her well enough to ask her out. She'd say no. And then I would get nowhere with the plan. This is better.

"That's a good idea."

"Ugh, I'm so happy right now. Thanks for being normal about everything and talking about fun stuff like this. Mom and dad are freaking out so it's nice to just like, have a normal conversation."

I ducked my head. Her words made her seem so alive. I didn't think she should be appreciative of me. Despite that, I didn't say anything to have her take back her words. I let her be. Rory was always honest and I liked her honesty because she'd always tell me how happy she was whenever she was happy. I wanted to be like that. Happy to be happy.

Talking with her never stressed me out. Even back in middle school, when everyone would watch what they said to me, she spoke like she normally did. It meant a lot. Rory is a good sister. It makes me feel bad.

I didn't think I'd ever have the chance to return the favor to her. In some twisted way, I got to. My heart clenched. I looked up at the ceiling. I blinked back the wetness that always managed to fill my eyes. I swallowed down the heaviness that had been built up in my throat.

"Of course," I said softly. Her phrase in my own tone.

"You better keep me updated on this girl! And I'll keep you updated on my guy."

"Your guy?"

"Soon enough."

I smiled. A small one. "Okay."

❂* ❂ * ❂

Raven asked me to help with the lights for today's drama practice. We were going to do a run-through she said. I headed over to where the lights were. I climbed up a ladder so that I could get to the highest light that would need the most moving. It was one of those fancy production lights. The spotlight. I think that's what it's called.

Everyone seemed to have a fear of heights which left me with this job since I joined drama. Heights don't scare me. I already had the stage lights set up with instructions for the students working behind the stage.

I reached the top of the ladder where there was an open space with a bar wrapped around it for safety. There was a chair by the light for me to sit on which made it so that I could easily move it around.

I waited for everyone to get in their positions. I gripped my fingers on the handles of the light. I didn't think I'd make any mistakes like last time. I didn't want to cause another blackout. I focused my attention on the busy movements of everyone. I caught sight of Alex

She seemed to be fixing something. Doing last-minute touches to a prop. Her hair was up in a ponytail with a few strands escaping and falling over her face. My lips twitched at her frustration for not being able to use her hands to curl her hair behind her ear. Her fingertips were dirty with the supplies she used and she ended up repeatedly blowing the strands away. It didn't have any helpful effect really.

"Jaxon!" Raven called out through a megaphone, snapping me out of my thoughts and forcing my gaze away. "What are you doing?! Put the lights back on the stage."

I blinked. Confused. Why she was yelling at me? I looked at the lights. Immediately I felt my skin crawl up with heat and I knew if anyone could see me from up here, they would see how red I was. I quickly fixed the lights, ripping them away from where I accidentally directed them. On Alex and now back to the stage.

I ignored my embarrassment with an unnecessary cough and a clearing of my throat.

The rest of the run-through went by naturally. I robotically did my job with the lights and didn't pay attention to the actual story of the musical. I didn't want to look too closely at the stage. Not when Jeremiah was the main character and had to fake cry. I didn't want to see him cry. It made me feel like a shit person. I didn't need more confirmation of that.

I spent most of the time thinking about how I'd approach Alex. I hoped that I could do it after practice but that would mean she'd have to stay the whole time. She usually didn't. I kept my eyes mostly on her while making sure I didn't move the lights to her again. I didn't think I could handle going through that a second time.

"Great job everyone!" Raven was clapping. Everyone appeared relieved at that. It was almost amusing. "We'll do another one next practice!"

With that, I climbed down the ladder. I didn't bother collecting my things and ran to where I last saw Alex. She was still there. My shoulders sagged in relief.

"Hey, Alex," I greeted, slightly out of breath and nervous. I shouldn't have run over like that. I chewed the inside of my cheeks.

"Hey," she said.

"Um, good job on the like props and stuff." I mentally groaned. I sounded stupid. "Looks like we're almost done with drama for the year."

"Thanks!" She smiled at me. My lips curled up a little. "I'm excited to be done with this."

"Me too..." I rubbed the base of my neck. "I was actually wondering..." Our eyes locked. I held my breath and in that one breath, I hurriedly asked, "Do you wanna hang out sometime this week?"

Her eyes softened which made my stomach drop because when a girl reacts like that after asking the question I did, that's not a good sign.

"Yeah," she agreed to it. She surprised me. Why did she have that expression if she planned to say yes? I didn't understand. "I was going to go with Jude to a party tonight. Wanna join?"

I frowned. With Jude? I knew they were friendly and had a thing going on, but I didn't realize they were actual friends. I'd rather be around literally anyone else other than Jude. I also want to get this over with. Tonight is the soonest I can. A party would be a good scene. Doesn't require too much work. I could leave whenever I want. I could be around whoever I wanted. Yeah. Okay. I can do this.

"Yeah. Okay."

"Cool. I'll text you the details." She had my number from the chemistry project we did together.

"Can I pick you up?"

Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes. This entire thing is a waste of time otherwise.

"That'd be good. I won't have the car tonight and I was going to ask Jude, anyway. So perfect."

"Perfect," I repeated after her. I felt lighter.

She smiled at me one last time with a goodbye and a wave. I waved back. I watched her leave the theater.

The tightness in my chest eased away. The exhaustion I felt turned into anticipation. I felt good. Things were working out. Things would work out. I needed to take a shower. Change clothes with the costume underneath. Make sure the gas tank in my car was filled. Then I'd wait for her text.

This was possible. I'd ask to use the bathroom and do just as Henry said. This could be done.

I grabbed my backpack and walked over to the parking lot. With the thoughts of tonight filling my mind, I didn't pay attention to my surroundings. Not that I pay much attention usually.

"Bloody hell! Are you trying to have me kill you?!"

I jumped back, startled by the sounds of tires screeching and someone yelling at me. I fell backward. A sharp gasp got caught in my throat and I saved my fall so that I landed with my hands to support me. My palms grazed the cement ground.

My vision faded in and out. I blinked a few times, adjusting. I recognized the orange hair. I saw the shine of metal; piercings. I groaned. It's Jude. It's always Jude.

"Jude, you are the last person I want to see right now. Please. Just back off."

"I would love to piss off, but I almost ran you over."

I squeezed my eyes shut. His voice rang in my ears and made me nauseous. What even happened? I opened my eyes.

"You're being dramatic." I got up. Slightly dizzy. "I'm fine."

Jude, on the other hand, did not seem fine. He had his motorcycle parked. He walked over to me as if each step neared him to collapse. He dropped his helmet. He breathed fast. His face was white. A ghostly pale white. He waved his hands around, shaking a little bit, and pacing.

He looked at me desperately. "Why didn't you look both ways?!"

Struck by his panic, I shouted back defensively, "I forget to sometimes!"

"You forget to sometimes?" He wheezed. His expression worsened. He looked terrified. I had no idea what was going on.

"Can you please stop freaking out?" It scared me to see him so scared. He was always calm. This didn't fit him.

"I almost killed you!"

Does he honestly think that?

"I wouldn't have died!"

"You don't understand. You don't bloody get it. If I didn't have–if I wasn't fast enough to move away–"

I could not be around him when he was about to have a panic attack. I looked around. No one else was in the parking lot. Damn it. I could run inside and find Jeremiah for him. I didn't think I should leave Jude alone. But I am also not the guy for this. Shit.

"Jude. Shut up," I started. "I'm going to need you to calm the hell down because I cannot help you if you're freaking out like this, okay?"

He nodded. His eyes were still high on alert. The fact that he bothered to nod at all made me feel better.

"I think you're having a panic attack," I told him. "We're going to do this thing I learned when I was younger and hopefully this works."

He didn't say anything. I took that as a silent agreement.

"Tell me five things you can see."

Jude only stared at me.

I snapped my fingers in front of his face. "Jude. Snap out of it! Answer me!"

"I see the trees behind you. Your eyes. My motorcycle. The stop sign. Your eyes."

I counted that as five things. I didn't have the energy to make him repeat himself. I only needed him to be okay again.

"Er, um, and four things you can touch?"

He wrapped his hand around my wrists. "Your hands."

"Anything else?"

"No, your hands! Oh god, you're hurt. You're bleeding." Jude's grip tightened. He inspected my hands and ignored my attempts of getting him back to normal. And then I noticed how his hands trembled. That his whole body was shaking.

I ripped my hands away from him and brought them on his shoulders, squeezing his shoulders to make sure he'd stay standing right where I had him and that he'd stop shaking. "Breathe in for a second, will you!"

"If I wasn't fast enough, Jaxon, if I wasn't fast enough–"

"You don't even like me! Does it really matter if you we're fast enough?!"

Very quickly, I found out that was the wrong thing to say.

"What is wrong with you?!" His voice came out strained and I felt my neck heat up. A strange sense of shame. Guilty.

"Plenty," I said. "But you're the one shaking like a leaf here."

I hated that I was getting like this with him. I hated that I even had to deal with this. I hated him.

He didn't say anything. I didn't think it was because he had nothing to say. He was hyperventilating. His breathing all over the place. I'm sure I was no help. Yelling in his face in the way that I was. I needed to assure him.

"You were fast enough," I whispered in what I hoped made me sound gentle. I grabbed his hands and put them on my chest. "Look I'm fine." I put them on his chest. "You're fine." I let go of his hands and put my hands back on his shoulders. "We're both okay. Breathe in, Jude."

He breathed in. His chest rose. His eyes looked at mine. Distressed. I frowned. This really spooked him. He genuinely thought he almost killed me. Everything was more of a blur for me. One second I was alone in the parking lot and then there was Jude.

"And out," I continued quietly. I massaged his shoulders. I felt my hands burn. A sharp pain. I hoped this combination of words and touch would ease whatever was going on with him.

He let out a shaky breath. It fanned over my face. I ignored it. He smelt like mint. I closed my eyes for a second. I hate mint. I opened my eyes.

"Are you okay now?" I asked.

"You have to look both ways."

My frown deepened. "Okay. I will. Are you okay now?"

He rolled my hands off his shoulder. He stepped away from me. "I'll be fine. Take care of your hands."

"Okay."

He turned away from me. He put on his helmet and tightened his leather gloves. He looked in my direction one last time. I couldn't tell how he was doing with the helmet covering his face. He entered the building. He's probably meeting up with Jeremiah.

That's good.

I ran my fingers through my hair. They were shaking. I clasped them together to stop the shaking. Without him panicking in front of me I could feel how fast my heart was beating. My heart felt like it would leap out of my chest. I cursed under my breath. Why did he have to get scared like that?

I got to my car. I braced myself with my arm on the roof of the car and my body leaning over. I felt queasy. My stomach churned. I clenched my jaw. I'll be seeing him later tonight. I rolled around so my back was against the car and my face towards the sky. I squinted. The sun started to set.

Sunsets, I decided, they're nice.

And I decided I hated everything else.