❂ Chapter 4 ❂

"Should I order you another cup of coffee?"

I blinked at him.

"I know your order." He offered a polite smile, with his teeth and a seemingly unnatural dimple on his left cheek. Like he used to have a piercing there and had it removed a few years after getting it.

"No," I managed to say.

I clasped my hands around my empty coffee cup. I stared at him. I had many questions to ask. Every what, every how, but most importantly the one why. Why was he doing this? I didn't say anything. He pinned me down with the information he had on my family and silenced me with his gaze.

"Saying no to free coffee?" He pouted.

I squeezed my cup, crinkling it. "No more small talk."

"Straight to business?" He took a gulp of his coffee and smiled. "So much like your father."

He didn't seem fond of dad, but he did seem like he knew him. Were they friends? Or was it because he stalked dad?

"Were you friends?"

He barked a laugh. A breathless laugh that ceased just as fast as it started. "No, certainly not friends." He smiled at me. "You're not so smart, are you?" I'm not.

"I don't understand," I said, barely keeping eye contact. "Why are you doing this? Who are you?"

"Long story or short story?" He asked but then answered as if we were friends. "You want the short story, don't you?"

Usually, I'm indifferent to people's day to day stories. That's when I would prefer the short version. This is not something I am indifferent to. I want the long story. I want every detail.

"Long story."

"Well to put a long story short–" he smirked and I fought the urge to react; I wanted to punch him "–your father put my wife in prison. I'm going to get her back. Through you, that is."

So it's like that. It doesn't make sense to try to get through dad by getting through me when dad can't even do anything about this. He wasn't the judge. Dad was only the enforcer. He just did his job. What is this man thinking? And what did his wife do to go to prison?

"If you've been watching me properly, you'd know that my powers are useless." That I'm useless.

"Invisibility is never useless. I have a gift for you, actually. Let's call it a welcome gift since you'll be joining my team." He wasn't smiling. Not exactly. He appeared comfortable. He went for his bag and took out another bag. It was a grocery bag that had some kind of material in it. He handed it to me. "For you."

I looked at it. I poked it. I was suspicious. And maybe I was in shock. Maybe it's because I'm so done with everything. But my initial fear of the situation disappeared during this bizarre conversation. Right now I just need to understand what's going on. I need to find some way that I can handle it. Control it.

"Well," he demanded and moved it closer to me. "Open it."

Against my better judgment, I opened it. I watched him watch me. With every move I made in opening the bag, I snuck a glance back at him. It was a body suit. It could cover my whole body, including my face. It was white, with dark blue thin lines going straight up on the sides. Why is he giving me this?

"Here." He pointed at the face covering part and he opened the area of where the ears would be covered. He pointed to that and the inside eye lenses of the face covering. "See these earpieces sewed on? And see these lenses? Don't screw with this stuff. This is what will keep your sight when you turn invisible."

"How did you–how did you do this?"

Is he some mad scientist? How is this even possible? I let my fingers graze over the suit, my eyes widening with each touch. My heart skipped a beat. This is insane. Everything about this is insane.

"I have connections everywhere," he explained and with that, he explained nothing at all.

I returned my attention back to him, my eyes narrowed. "Why are you giving this to me?"

"It's bad form to be the only super without a costume. I think so." He sipped his coffee.

What does that mean?

Suddenly, he stood up. He started to collect his things. Was he planning on leaving?

"Wait! What?" I stood up with him, knocking both the costume and my journal down in the process. I quickly picked it up and continued to question him. "I don't understand. What do you want from me?"

He chuckled. Like it was good natured of him to do so. I frowned. " We'll meet again. For now, why don't you have some fun using your powers to the fullest?"

Use my powers to the fullest? I looked down at the costume in my hands. I don't want to. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be a part of anything.

"I can't–" I looked back up as I spoke, but he was already gone. I clenched my jaw, grasping on the costume, and beginning to feel sick.

What am I supposed to do? I can't tell mom or dad about this. And I can't go along with this. I can't.

I ran out of the coffee shop.

Who was that man?

❂* ❂ * ❂

I woke up with a start. Drenched in cold sweat and gasping for air. Again. I shivered and squinted my eyes, tapping around my bed for my phone. Once I found it, I checked the time. Four in the morning. That means I got two hours of sleep in total. That makes three nightmares.

I closed my eyes and leaned against my bed frame. I never was the type to suffer from nightmares. When I couldn't sleep it would be for other reasons. I knew how to deal with those reasons. I don't know how to deal with this.

I opened my eyes. Across my room, settled on my desk, was the bag with the costume. It was there for anyone to see. A part of me wanted my parents to walk in and see it. Then they would ask questions. I wouldn't have to be quiet about all this. It was the stupid part of me.

If I try it on, will these nightmares stop? Probably not.

I got up, ripped the bag open, and put on the costume. It was mostly comfortable. A little tight in some areas but fine. How did he know my size?

I walked to my sister's room. Against the wall was a full body mirror. I didn't have one in my room. I looked at myself. I was completely covered in white except for the dark blue lines on the side. The face covering made my jaw look sharper and the dent by my eyes made me appear angry. I looked intimidating. I frowned.

Use my powers to the fullest? I stared at my white gloved hand. I turned invisible. I knew it because my hand was gone and I could see that. I could see that!

When I saw myself in the mirror, I saw a haze of gray colors. I don't know enough science to know why that is. It was like smoke. Still invisible, I focused on the electricity coursing through my veins. Sparks circled my body and in the mirror, I looked like a storm. I took a step back. I looked back down at my hand. Only sparks. No gray. I don't get it.

I stopped my powers. In the mirror, I could see my full self again.

Before I could think about any of this anymore, I went back to my room, tucked away the costume, and hid myself under the covers.

Is this the fullest extent of my powers? Now that I can use it, what does he plan to make me do? What will he do if I don't follow him?

I squeezed my eyes shut. Go to bed. I told myself. Sleep.

I barely managed to get in another hour of sleep.

❂* ❂ * ❂

"So no school today either?"

Mom was frowning. An almost childish pout. She looked so young like that. With the way dad was looking at her, he looked young too. I knew they were being playful for my sake. They do that. They don't know what else to do.

Some days we're serious. Some days we're sad. And if we can be, some days we're more lighthearted. I really couldn't be lighthearted today.

I felt so heavy. Drained. I was exhausted. It's been a week since I've gone to school. It's been a week of no sleep. Paranoid filled nightmares and day dreams. Alone in this house for the most part. Terrified if that man would appear again.

I looked at mom and dad. They were already looking at me. I looked away, ashamed. I noticed my reflection from the kitchen window. My eyes were purple, like I've been punched. It's been hard to sleep. I looked thinner. It's been hard to eat. I looked dead. It's been hard to...

"No questions," dad said. "But we're worried."

No questions. That was the policy ever since middle school. No questions asked if I say I'm not going to school. I haven't used this ever. I've been trying my best not to. Everything I do makes mom and dad worry. I don't want them to be worried. They tiptoe. They shouldn't need to tiptoe.

But I can't. I can't. If I leave the house...if that guy finds me at school, or outside. I don't know—I don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do? I don't know what he's going to do. What will he make me do?

"Is there anything we can do?" Mom asked.

We all silently agreed that those kinds of questions didn't breach the policy.

"I—" I stared down at my bowl of cereal. Rice Crispy. Untouched. Soggy now. I breathed in. Struggling. I covered my mouth with the back of my hand. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't look at mom or dad. My eyes burned. I quickly blinked away the wetness.

"It's okay, you can stay in today," mom assured me and I felt all the more worse.

"No," I croaked, surprising myself. I turned to my parents. I cleared my throat. "I'll go to school today."

They nodded. And that was it.

During the blur of the aftermath of that decision I managed to take a shower, get dressed, and drive myself to school. I took my time. I was already going to be late. I listened to whatever boy band was playing on the radio. I stopped at every red light, and every stop sign. I slowed down at the yellows.

I thought about the reality of what's to come. Nothing has happened yet. Not all week. I'm not so optimistic to think that everything was suddenly going to be okay. But right now everything could be okay. I'd make it okay. If tomorrow won't be okay, or if even five minutes from now won't be okay, at least let me have this minute to be okay.

I parked my car. I avoided teachers walking by.

That's when I saw Jude. In the empty school halls. Something clicked. I felt like I could breathe. If anyone could help me pick myself up it's him. All I need is sleep. He can give me something to help me sleep. He's done it before.

I quickly walked over to him. Almost running.

"Jude," I said, breathless.

"Jaxon," he returned and didn't bother to spare a glance at me. His British accent always caught me off guard. His eyes were on his phone, texting someone, and he said, "I don't deal anymore."

"I–what?" I blinked a few times.

How did he know that's what I'd ask?

He looked up at me. I watched him watch me. He looked down at the ground near me and slowly lifted his eyes to my shoes, my pants, my shirt, and he stopped. He tilted his head. I felt wrong under his gaze.

He was doing what he could to make a point. And though it wasn't much, it still made me uncomfortable.

We were now at the corner of the hall, completely late to class, but neither of us cared. He leaned against the wall with his arms over his chest. His orange hair fell flat. Usually he'd be lighting a cigarette by now. And sometimes, when he's spiteful or when I'd piss him off too much, he'd blow a puff of smoke in my face. Today, instead, he chewed gum. I watched him still watching me. I was anxious.

My lack of sleep showed. I was itching. Itching for something to get rid of my anxiety. Something strong. Something I was already familiar with. I needed it. He would have what I need.

"What's wrong with you?" Jude asked, snapping me out of my trance.

Does he really not deal anymore? Who would I go to then?

"I just–you don't have anything?" I paced in place. I ran my fingers through my hair, barely getting in a proper breath. I looked back at him. "Nothing at all?"

"Nothing."

"Then who can I go to?!"

I could hear how hysterical I sounded. Panic echoed in my words. Which I was. Everything was coming back again.

I was panicking because now I could use my powers. What good will that do? I wouldn't do good. And I was panicking because this strange man threatened me and my family just a week ago and is forcing me to use my powers for his agenda which I know nothing of. But he knew a lot. He knew too much. It's hitting me the less I sleep. The reality of it is settling in.

I don't have a moment to let myself be okay.

He's definitely a threat. He knows how I have super powers and the depth of it all. How did he figure out that I go temporarily blind when I'm invisible? How long has he been investigating? At what lengths will he go to for his wife to be freed from prison? Where do I fit in to all of it?

Thinking about all this makes me want to throw up. It makes me panic.

I forced myself to focus on something. My eyes landed on Jude's. His eyes were narrow, calculating. I scowled at him. I don't like Jude. Never have. He doesn't know how to stay out of someone's business. It's because of him that I became aware of how much of a terrible person I've been. Maybe I should appreciate that. But I can't find myself appreciating anything about him. Not when his lips keep meeting Alex's. Not when they have a thing going on.

I'm too selfish.

"If I get something from the wrong person it could be spiked," I told him, hoping that would convince him to tell me who I should go to.

"That's a possibility."

"I could die."

"Frankly, I don't care what happens to you."

I stood in front of him, mouth open, stunned. I knew he didn't mean that. He's one of those people who speaks tough, acts tough, and is tough, but cares even if he doesn't want to. He's friends with Jeremiah Vincent. That proves more than enough for what kind of person he is.

"What made you think I wanted to even talk to you?" He seemed angry with me. He shoved his phone in his pocket.

I guess that made sense. He doesn't like me either. For kinder reasons.

"I'm not here for a conversation."

"Well, let's have one then." He gave a little smirk. He was taunting me. "Why do you want drugs?"

I didn't want a conversation. I wanted to forget. I just needed something. I glared at him. I needed to play his game in order to get it.

"Why the hell do you think?"

"Hn. Right then." He walked towards the trash can and spat out his gum, his back turned to me.

He was going to leave.

I rushed to get a hold of him and turned him around so he'd face me. "Wait," I pleaded. My grip on him tightened. I wasn't above begging. There was too much going on then to care about my own dignity. "Please. Can you tell me?"

He swatted my hands away and gave me a look, his lips curling in disgust and his eyes stern. "If you're on medication then you shouldn't be messing around with other drugs."

He knows about my medication?

"How did you–"

"I might not care about you, but somehow you have people who do care. Shove off!"

"Mind your own business!"

"You came to me," he reminded me with a pointed finger, stepping closer to me, warning. I took a step back. My back hit the wall. "Not the other way around. Don't start something you can't finish, Jaxon."

I had nothing to say to that. I stared at the floor. I clenched my fists and breathed in before looking back at him. "I really need something," I confessed. I want to sleep. "Anything."

His expression remained flat and in a clear tone he asked, "What's going on?"

"You! Argh! It's your fault!" I lashed out. I was doing it again. I was blaming someone else for the consequences of my own actions. Just like I did during middle school. Just like I did to Jeremiah. But this entire situation was not my fault either. I did nothing for what that man was making me do. And seeing Jude right now was not good for me. He's the only person I know who deals. But everytime I see Jude I feel like such a shit person.

"What?"

I couldn't stop myself from getting angry with him. He brings out the worst in me no matter what. With his self-righteous attitude and indifference. His stupid accent too. He knew too much to act like that.

"Ever since our last conversation I've been feeling like crap and every time I see you I feel like such a shit person! And when I see Jeremiah it hits me again. He hurt me but it's because he cared. I get that now. And I hurt him because I hated him. I should be apologizing! But I can't even say a word to him–"

I wanted to cry. Damn it, I wanted to sleep. I've been holding this in since he last confronted me when I asked him for a joint. Because of that conversation I realized how I could never be someone good. I always knew it. It was just a reminder. Why did I get super powers? Someone else could have used it for something good. And now I'll be using it for something bad.

To Jude, this might feel like it's coming out of nowhere. Even for me, this feels like I'm blowing things out of proportion. But it's all coming back.

Finally, his expression changed. His forehead crinkled, his jaw clenched, and he glared at me. He was mad. Good. Let him feel something.

"Forget I even asked," he spat, the look of disgust reappearing. "Bloody hell, you really know how to make this all about yourself."

What the hell? What right does he have to say that?

I pushed him away, hard, with every bit of hate. "You know what, Jude?" I looked him up and down, searching for something. By his neck I could see a part of his tattoo and I said, "I hope your tattoo artist messes up your next tattoo!"

The strangest thing happened next. Jude grinned and began laughing. "How creative." He seized his laughing. He dipped his head forward, bending his knees slightly so that he was looking up at me. He was mocking me. "And I hope the next time you play a basketball game, you actually go for the shot."

I hated the way his eyes were dancing in amusement and the way he was smirking. He messed me up, laughed in my face, and as if he knew how much that game affected me, he brought it up only to slap me in the face with it.

I might have been petty with my comment but he was making this personal.

"You're terrible," I told him and I hated the weakness in my voice. The trembling in my words. Why am I like this? I quickly blinked and turned away. I can't believe I'm getting emotional in front of him.

"Yeah." He sighed and took a step back. He gave me space to breathe.

When I didn't feel his eyes on me, I breathed in. I turned back to him. He was looking to the side, a frown there with zoned out eyes.

I didn't say bye. I didn't make a signal that I would be walking away. I just moved, not thinking, not wanting to be here anymore, and barely keeping myself upright.

"Hey, Jaxon," I heard Jude call. I didn't turn around. I kept walking away. Still, he continued. "You gonna be alright?"

He sounded sorry.

I stopped. I turned around so I could see just how sorry he was. My stomach dropped. His face said it all. He was sorry. I felt bad. Jude...he's a good person. I know that. Good people are around him. Jeremiah. Alex. When I'm around him, he's not a good person. I'm not a good person to be around. I'm not a good person.

"Because you care." I rolled my eyes. I sighed and quietly added. "I shouldn't have even bothered with you." I shouldn't have.

His frown deepened. I didn't know what to make of it. So I didn't think about it. But his next words made me wonder.

"You can," he said. "You can bother me."

"Can I?" I had to ask. I moved closer. I didn't understand it. "Don't you hate me? For what I did to Jeremiah." He has to.

"You hate yourself enough for it."

What made him so sure of that?

"No...I don't hate myself because of that." It's other reasons too.

"Okay."

"You're not gonna ask any more?"

"You'll tell me." He shrugged. "Not that you have to. And not that I'm willing to listen."

He'll listen. I knew that. Jude, I've come to realize, is a listener.

"You should really mind your own business," I repeated.

"Then stop coming to me."

My shoulder sagged. I chewed the inside of my cheeks. I should stop.

"You're right." Why is he always right? I hate this. I hate him. It's so hard.

And then an awful thing happened. Something I couldn't control. The burning in my eyes. The lump in my throat. The pit in my stomach. I breathed in through my nose. I tried to restrain myself.

"I don't have the emotional capacity to watch you cry."

"I'm not crying!" I said, defensive, with tears in my eyes. And I really, truly, hated everything and everyone at that moment. I don't have the right to cry. I thought. People have it worse. I reminded myself. People have it worse. People don't have homes. People don't have food. Family. Basic necessities. I have it all.

I don't have the right to cry. It's not okay to cry.

"It's okay to cry." It's not. "I'm just not the person to be around when you do."

"You're not," I agreed. He's the last person I'd want around. And yet he's the only one around right now.

"Go find Chad." He said Chad's name like it was something he'd rather have not done.

"This isn't something Chad can help me with." I steadied my breathing and forced myself to stop crying. "No one can."

"A little melodramatic, but okay."

I wanted to punch Jude. He always says the wrong things. Always to me. I bet he's nice to Jeremiah. I bet he's really nice to Alex.

"You're such a piece of shit."

I started walking away. I didn't want to be around him anymore. He seemed to not understand. He followed me. He walked by my side.

"Go aw–"

"Come Jaxon," Jude suddenly said. His voice turned soft. He doesn't ever sound like that with me. "I'll give you a proper apology for being a piece of shite."

Was he making fun of me?

I ignored him. We kept walking. I don't know who was following who anymore. I had nowhere I wanted to go but I was still walking. And Jude was still there.

"Here." Jude stopped. I stopped too.

We didn't say a word to each other. We were by a vending machine. He put in money. Looked at me. Put in a number on the keypad to decide what to get.

"Eat." He handed me the Keebler cheese and peanut butter sandwich crackers. The orange square crackers that I sometimes get when I realize I should eat something.

I didn't want to eat. I frowned.

"Okay."

I ate a couple of crackers.

"Better?" He asked.

Shit. "Yeah." Damn it.

He didn't smile at me. But he also wasn't glaring at me. I couldn't make out his expression. I didn't care to.

The bell rang. I folded the crackers on the wrapping and put the rest of it in my pocket. "I'm heading to class."

Jude was in my next class. I didn't want to walk with him there. I didn't want to be around him anymore. He didn't say anything and watched me go.

When class started, both Jude and Alex didn't show up. I stared at their empty seats. I placed my arms on my desk and hid my face there.

Everything sucks.