But don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Really I'm sad, oh I'm sadder than sad
You're gone and I'm hurting so bad
Like a clown I only appear to be glad

Tears of a Clown ~ Smokie Robinson

♣♣♣

Even though the deal with the devil has already been sealed, there is still someone in the mix who's been left out of this life-altering decision. Someone who still unfortunately thinks she needs to put their two cents into play. Who inaccurately believes that the devil in this deal gives a shit about their two cents.

"Wait, what's a done deal?" Sio blinks up at us in confusion, as she tries to absorb the totality of this insanity. "What the hell is this thing are you talking about mom?"

"It's okay Mo, I got this." Chuckie looms large over the girl and starts speaking softly down to her, like he does with my little sister.

"Okay Sio, here's the deal. You can't get mad at your mom for talking to me, all about what's been going on with you and your school stuff. How much she wants you to be free and clear of stupid shit and stupid shitheads? To have that good life, just doing the arting thing you do, right?" Chuckie forces one of his sad smiling sighs. "Because all that comes out of a good place, okay?"

"So while I can't obviously show up at your school, and beat the blood out of anyone who bothers you? Well, not without causing you some embarrassing questions after the fact, anyways?" He grabs me on the shoulder hard enough to hurt. "But what we can do is provide for you a fixer."

"So Jack here is gonna go to your school now and fix all that shithead stuff for us. Trust me, when I tell you he is really good at fixing shitheads. Jackie boy is like the ultimate asshole repellent." Chuckie snorts. "Just ask his father."

"Jesus Chuckie, go easy on the kid." I hear Moira mumble in my deadbeat dad's defense.

"So this thing with the Collins kid? Yeah, Jackie's gonna take care of all, and whatever else needs fixing while he's there." Chuckie smiles widely baring all his teeth. "You just point to where the problem is, and it's a done deal. One and done."

"Excuse me Mr. Killian, but I am not sure what you mean by one and done? And by take care of this thing with the Collins kid, means what now?" Sio is clearly all kinds of unhappy with this new life plan.

"Look Sio, thing is that I've been hearing things about this Collin's kid, that I don't like?" Chuckie starts to explain his insane thought process to everyone. "He thinks things he shouldn't be thinking? And he thinks he can do things he should not ever think he can do. So me and your mom agree, we just can't have that. So that has to stop A-S-A-P ...or else."

"Seriously Mom?" Her eyes lock into her mothers and I can practically hear the screaming inside my head."Gawddammit mommy! What the hell did you say to this psycho? What the hell have you done to me, Mother!?!" "I already told you to stay out of this, and just let me deal with whatever..."

"Sorry Sio, but that's not on your mom no more." Chuckie interrupts the beginning of what I assume is about to be a full-on temper-tantrum-tirade about staying out of her life. "I think I might have misspoken before when I said that 'me and your mom can't have that?' When the true truth is ...I just can't have that. So this thing happening right now is not on your mom, it's actually all on me now. So that's that and then some."

Rule #8 ~ Machinations and manipulations are a must for any Psychopath.

[One of the things about Psychopath is that they think in wheels within wheels, plans within plans. Psychopaths think things through and plan things out meticulously and maliciously. Which is what makes them very good at staying ten steps ahead of everyone else. It's also what makes them so damn deadly dangerous to deal with. Because they can already see you betraying them, way before you've even thought about doing it. And in Chuckies case he is a master machinator.]

"So before you say boo, I already know what you're thinking right now." Chuckie gets in her head and starts sharing his insanity. "You're thinking, who the hell does this guy think he is? Some dude that I barely ever talk to coming along interfere in my life? Telling me what's what, or whatnot? I mean it's your life after all? So who the hell do I think I am to say boo to you? Am I right or what?"

"Pretty much." She is still staring and glaring at her mother with her angry Irish banshee eyes.

"Yeah, if I were you I would be thinking that too." Chuckie rocks his big bald head back and forth like he's debating with the other voices in his head what strange secret to share next. Chuckie glances around the park, like we are under surveillance or some shit. Finally, he starts talking through his clenched shark smile, just in case the government has trained lip-reading secret spy squirrels about the badlands.

"Look Sio, I know we don't know each other very well, and that's okay too. I know I'm not the most friendly guy around. But you need to understand something important happening here." Chuckie makes the world's most uncomfortably sighing smile down at Sio.

"I never told you this before, because it never seemed real relevant. But me and your dad, Mickey? We were good friends from way before we moved out here to the sticks. Back from when we grew up as kids together in the old neighborhood." I watch the color in her face slowly start to drain away, which I am guessing means she understands the relevance now. "Actually, we were even more than just friends, your dad was better brother to me than my own ever was. So yeah, relevant now?"

"But before you say something about you being you, and your dad being your dad? You need to know some things from me first." Chuckie does his crazy new strange sad sighing thing before speaking again. "I've had five friends total in my life, and your dad was one of them. Mickey was my first real friend ...and the first I buried. But sadly not the last."

Yeah, because you turned all the rest of the imaginary ones into chum, so they would keep your secrets? Cause everyone knows that Old Neighborhood secrets only stay buried when everyone is dead, right? I mentally make a note never to ask about any of the other five friends just in case. Something else to add to the do-not-need-to-know list about Chuckie.

"So you might be thinking that this thing going on here is some sort of deathbed promise thing from your dad. Like I'm dying here, Chuckie...so please look out for my girls for me when I am gone?" Chuckie shakes his massive bald head back and forth negating this thought. "When nothing could be further from the truth of that deathbed shit."

"See Sio, your dad would have never asked me that. Cause Micks would never ever have had to say something so stupid." Chuckie frowns down, probably at the lack of clarity on Sio face. "He wouldn't have had to ask me that. Because your dad would know better than to ask me something so stupid, as to watch out for you and your mom. Cause Mickey would have known I was gonna watch out for you one way or another, no matter what." Chuckie intones his deadly intent. "Come hell or high water."

"And if my friend Mickey was still alive and I was not? And God forbid, I had a daughter who had some issues with some scumbag, like this Collins kid?" Chuckie snorts like an enraged bull. "Then I would fully expect Mickey to be a friend to my kid too, especially if I was still dead? Cause that's just the way things are done where we were from."

Oh yeah, Chuckie keep reminding this girl that her dad is dead some more. Cause that's probably the best way to explain all this insanity to her?

"Now your mom here, she knows this thing about me and your dad. And she also knows how much your father meant to me as a friend. So if you have any questions about all that score? I trust your mom to tell you everything else you need to know about all that, if and when she sees fit. But for now, I don't want you to worry about all that." He shakes her next thought off as irrelevant. "But you need to know you ain't alone in this life. Cause you got friends too Sio ...a lot more friends than you know."

"So that's that, and this is a done deal. End of story." Chuckie intones coldly, cutting off any more discussion on the subject.

"It's a thing." Moira intones seriously in agreement.

"Then this thing is insane." Sio snaps back, with all the ill will of a girl who just had her life taken over by Chuckles the killer clown. "And you are both crazy as loons, if you think this thing of yours is okay with me, on any level."

Oh Holy Hell, did this chick just called Chuckie crazy!?! Rah roh... and here we go into the badlands on Insanistan.

Rule # 3 ~ Psychopaths don't think they are crazy, they think everyone else is insane.

[Psychopaths do not see themselves or anything they do as abnormal. Even better, they think you have a problem for even thinking they have a problem. And guess what? You do have a problem. Because now you have a very big problem ...with them. Because you clearly can no longer be trusted to think right.]

"You're out of line daughter mine." Moira snaps sharply. "Now say you're sorry, Sio."

"So sorry Sio." She spits right back between her perfectly pearlescent teeth.

"There's no need for that." Chuckie waves the apology away like so much smoke.

"Don't mind her a minute Chuckie, you're a good friend. I mean it Chuckie, if Mickey was still with us, he'd probably cry." She wipes a real tear away this time.

"Aces and eights." Chuckie intones this ancient incantation.

"Aces and eights." Sio's mother nods somberly.

I recognize this phrase as one of the Old Neighborhood slang slayings. "Aces and Eights" was known as the Dead Man's Hand. Which means this thing ...whatever the issue was? Yeah, it's as good as dead now. These two clowns look way too comfortable talking about murder in my humble opinion. All this is not lost on me...but by the looks of it Sio as well. Who now looks all kinds of not happy about the turn her life has taken thanks to this old blood debt bullshit being called in.

"A Devlin and a Killian kid at St. Andrews, will wonders never cease?" Moira snorts. "Oh well, into every life a little rain must fall."

"First the lighting, then the thunder," Chuckie intones one of his insane mantras, like this makes any sense at all, in the strange situation. And they both chortle along, like it's the funniest thing said to date.

"So you got Sio digits to do the text talking thing before school starts, right?" Chuckie reminds me of his earlier instruction.

"Ah, I was just about to get to that. But you came over and started in explaining, so..." I sort of drag this to make the point, that this girl is lost in this thing and none too happy.

"Here let me." Moira takes my cell phone out of my hand and taps in the numbers and hits send.

Sio phone immediately goes off with a ringtone that I recognize as a techno-trance version of Madonna's "Like a Virgin". Which I have to say is seriously cliché for a private school girl. But then again, my ringtone is Princess Pony singing "I love you, you love me...we are one big happy family." So I'm thinking that I'm not really in a position to be judging other people by their cellphone ringtones?

"Not cool, mom. Seriously, none of this is cool." Sio shoots daggers at her mother and punches her phone silent.

"Yeah well, what you gonna do about it? Swallow some glass to spit in my face?" She snorts in retort, and both she and Chuckie both smirk over at each other. So I'm thinking this is another one of those awful Old Neighborhood jokes? One that maybe you had to be there for the first time around to get it?

"Oh, and Sio I was serious, I really do want that painting of yours." Chuckie switches back again on her, to something else he clearly wants, for some reason. "So please start talking numbers with your mother. Fair is fair, plus ten percent on the elbow for your mom here."

"Mmmm." Sio still looks all kinds of not pleased at her mother, as this charade has now run its course.

"And you?" Moira reaches over and smacks my arm hard enough to hurt. "After you and yours get moved into Meadowlands and settled in? You come over for lunch or dinner at our place, just to say heya, before you start school. And I won't take no for an answer."

"Trust me Mo, he'll be there with bells on." Chuckie goes ahead and agrees for me.

"Good looks." She nods nonce. "Well then, looks like we all done here for now. So I won't have to keep you any longer, Chuckie. I know you got places to go, and people to see."

"Yeah." And with that said, Chuckie stalks off towards the tank without another word.

Something I've noticed about my uncle before is that he only does this move with people he knows. There are no formalities at the end of a conversation, he just stops talking and starts walking. No goodbye or farewell ...just fat Elvis has left the building and he is long gone.

"Goodbye Mrs. Devlin, it was nice to meet you." I nod deferentially.

"You too, Jackie. And don't forget to tell your mother that her old Moira McMicheals says hey, and give her my best." She clearly feels the need to repeat her earlier instructions for some reason. So I'm thinking that there is definitely something more there with my mother that she wants me to know.

"I won't forget," I assure her.

"Say bye Sio." She commands Sio sharply.

"Bye Sio." She intones so coldly, I can practically feel the ice coming off her freaking Bane Sidhe eyes, burning their frost into me and freezing my soul.

"Good to go?" I nod over at the unlucky mother of the banshee.

"Good to go," Moira replies by rote, then waves me away with a sly smirk.

So that's that, I am now officially starting my very own asshole repellant business at St. Andrews Academy. And even better, I have a brand new fake girlfriend to guard to go with my great fake new life. And even better, apparently my new fake girlfriend already doesn't like me or this arrangement ...even a little. One who is still now glaring at me with a look that could freeze hot lava.

Man, this shit is already like a bad arranged marriage and I haven't even talked to my mom yet. I have no idea how I am going to explain all this insane to her, not without sounding as crazy as Chuckie clearly is.

♣♣♣

~Authors Note ~

This chapter is dedicated 3Twistedsisters to who are some crazy writers and a very cool chicks, in my humble opine. The twisted comments and insights on my stories are some of my all-time favorites. And if you are looking around for a seriously funny tour thru the dark side of Wattpad look no further than Wattpad Trolls Unmasked at:
https://www.wattpad.com/story/120397609-wattpad-trolls-unmasked