Are you struggling with an immortal life? Do you have First Age problems that just won't go away? Even worse, are you having a rough life because of the Doom of Mandos or Sauron's servants? 

Well, look no further! With new and improved technology, Seven of the Amazing Valar (okay, but we are really great) are now taking hotline calls from the Elf-Help Hotline!

Forget self-help when you have Elf-Help! Just dial 1-800-VALAR and one of our lesser representatives will answer the phone and refer you to our experts. 

Relationship problems? Try Lorien--he should get you on track to enjoy a healthy married life! Crops not growing? Talk to Yavanna--she can help you be the most prosperous in town!

But wait--there's more! 

If you are one of the first 100 callers, we will give you and exclusive one-time offer: Your first call is free! (the rest are rather expensive #tbh) 

Disclaimer: If any mortals call, we won't answer the phone. So there. 

Why wait in a life of misery? Call 1-800-VALAR today!

That's 1-800-VALAR

One more time, One-Eight Hundred-V-A-L-A-R