10001

The moment I realized I'd spent hours of my lifestaring up at the ceiling, drowning in the expanse of my own thoughts, I sat up in my bed. It was funny how a handful of minutes could feel like hours on end while just sitting there doing absolutely nothing but thinking could feel as if I'd barely blinked before it had all passed by.

Apparently I was not the only who noticed it - Ronnie was starting to get irritated with my behavior on top of everything else. I knew that I had a bad tendency to get dressed and then lay back down on my bed before training, allowing my thoughts to take over, but I didn't strike it down as anything all that wrong.

Ronnie could not have seen it any more differently. She swore that if I continued doing it, one day she would break and end up pulling me out of bed and then dragging me all the way to training. While she certainly seemed to be stalling on this to an extent, I didn't want to risk anything. On this particular morning, she seemed to be just as irritated as always.

"Come on, Parr. Step it up. We've got to get to training - I don't want to hear Zeke and Deric laughing at us again for being late."

"But it's not really training anymore, is it?" I asked, finding myself longing to stay where I sat. "I mean, if we're heading off to decide the fate of the world in the next seventy two hours, then we shouldn't really be calling it training at this point."

"Well, you still better do it," Ronnie warned.

"Three days," I murmured to myself. We'd finally been given an official date for when we were going to set off into the heart of enemy territory and attempt to get the data back. My mind drifted away to the thought of just how impossible this entire prospect was.

We were going to try and get back data that had been deleted. As a data eater, always taught to remove every last trace of data from everything, it seemed absurd that anyone would try to retrieve it. Yet that was precisely what we'd been brought together to do. In all the mess with Ianto, I'd nearly forgotten why I was here to begin with - why any of us were here.

I didn't feel prepared for this mission. Then again, I suspected that I'd never be able to feel totally prepared for such a challenge. I'd always be not quite enough - we were facing impossible chances and still trying to make a successful mission.

"Psi!" Ronnie called out, breaking through my newest round of thoughts. "I can't leave you alone for two seconds, can I? You just launch yourself back into thinking."

"You're only worried that Zeke is going to start teasing you."

"I'm not worried about that," she immediately denied.

"Oh, I see how it is," I replied, crossing my arms. "It's because you know he's flirting when he teases you."

"And that's not what it is either," she replied. I knew for a fact that she wouldn't have many more interesting responses to my own teasing, so I decided it would be better if I just closed my mouth and started following along to go to training.

Right as I started to think that perhaps this might turn out to be a relatively easy day, I stopped right in my tracks where I stood. What a time for my thoughts to come back to me, building a wall directly in front of me so that I had no real choice but to slam right into it. I could feel all of the color rushing away from my face, my knees buckling slightly.

If it hadn't been for me, Ianto would be fine at this moment. Without me, his fear never would've been nutured into the utterly consuming monster that ended up driving him to connect himself to a computer and hang himself up on a wall. All of it originally stemmed from me.

Ronnie immediately noticed I wasn't directly behind her and came back for me. At first I assumed she would be angry with me, but in reality she just seemed to be concerned.

"Psi, you look like you're about to be sick. Tell me what's going on."

"I feel like I'm about to be sick, Tau," I admitted, squeezing my eyes shut. I didn't want to look at anyone or anything. I just wanted to get myself out of this horrible place I'd put myself into after getting involved in these thoughts.

"And why, exactly, do you feel like you're about to be sick?"

"Well, there's a reason that you already know..."

"Ianto. But you're going to have to be more specific than that."

"I know, I know," I groaned out in response. "So, I'll explain it the best I can. I'm just trying to think about how much of his current condition is my fault."

"Stop!" Ronnie cried out. "Stop it right there. I'm not going to have you talking like that. It's not going to happen."

"But-"

"Yes, I'm sure you could probably think of a million convuluted reasons why you're somehow to blame for everything that goes wrong with him. But I'm not going to let you."

Before she could say anything else, I found my voice raising in volume and pitch. "I was a horrible sister to him half of the time, Truitt! If I was a better sister, he would've thought of me. He would've realized how devestating this would be, and he wouldn't have done it. But he knew of all the things I'd done to him..."

"Like teasing him?" Ronnie asked. "Damn it - you shouldn't be getting worked up over the fact you acted like a normal older sister."

"I teased him about his biggest fear. I knew I would hurt him, and I did it anyway."

"And so you're going to worry about that now, now that it makes absolutely no difference to anything that's happening."

Of course, as always, Ronnie was right. I was far too drained from this new development in order to say anything - but it's not like I suddenly felt any better about my behavior now that I knew it wouldn't change anything at the moment.

Raising my gaze up towards the ceiling I'd become so well acquainted with lately, I took in a deep breath and then forced myself to continue onwards. This would certainly work out in one way or another, I needed to be sure of that much. Whether it took some well-placed lies to myself or not, I was going to achieve that much, certainly.

"Fine, fine, fine, let's just go now," I said, giving in. The pit in my stomach didn't disappear or anything, but I forced myself to ignore the feeling it brought to me. I knew how the physical effects of this could affect everything else, and I didn't want to get involved in that kind of distraction again. After all, it seemed like Alex had plenty more to worry about than dismissing me from training again.

The trip through the base was spent in absolute silence, a theme which continued even when we sat down. We arrived just moments after Zeke and Deric, and they were both quiet as well. I assumed that Alex would be on his way out in a matter of moments and we wouldn't want to upset him in any way.

Sure enough, he appeared in front of the four of us just a few seconds later. While we were already silent, we took these moments to straighten out our backs while sitting down and focus on whatever he had to say to us.

Alex looked rather unsettled, which made the rest of us feel unsettled as well. We were so used to him with his perfect posture and unwavering strength that it felt strange to see him off his balance. But when he opened his mouth and began to explain to us what was going on, it all fell into place within a matter of seconds.

"I'm somewhat sorry to say that I will not be coming alongside you during your mission for a number of reasons. The most prevalent one is that I was only ever meant to train you, and that is precisely what I have done. Besides, I think you will all be more than able to complete the task that has been given to you. I believe your training has been more than adequate."

"Are you kidding?" Deric burst out, jumping out of his seat in surprise. "You've been working with us this entire time, and now you're just going to stay behind and hope for the best? Really?"

The rest of us shifted uncomfortably in our own seats, unsure how to handle this new situation. It did feel very strange to think that Alex would be leaving us after everything. With him consistently behind us to guide and push us onwards, it was nearly unfathomable to think that all of that guidance would soon be gone.

Personally, I knew I would miss his presence when it came to the final mission. Throughout the time when I first found out about Ianto's fate, he'd always made sure that he helped me out. It would've been easy for him to bark at me to get my mind back on track, but instead he'd cared for me and helped me through each day.

He was a source of stability - I certainly couldn't deny that. I knew that the others, despite being through quite a different experience than I, felt the same. Having someone around our age leading us had seemed unusual at first, but now it seemed like anything else would've ended up failing. Alex Feng knew us, knew the country, knew what we needed to do and how we needed to do it.

And now all of that would be taken away from us.

"Listen, this is not really a decision I've been given permission to make," Alex admitted. "I'm doing what needs to be done in order for the Intel Initiative to be successful." Deric was about to rise up into another round of protest, this time with Zeke backing his every word, but Alex quieted them down.

"Okay, everyone - enough talk. We need to stop wasting time and start getting to work. You've got to keep up your training. Getting lazy at the last moment wastes everything you've done over the past few weeks. Use every second you have to improve. Now, go."

My gaze connected with Ronnie's, and I could tell we were both going to be heading towards the treadmills in order to work on speed training. It was the easiest place to talk, and also it was best for simply working out nerves.

As much as I understood why Alex needed to stay behind, I couldn't help but feel a bit nervous because of it. He'd been our guidance and our mentor for the entirety of our training, and then in the one moment when we'd most likely need him most he wouldn't be there to help us. Thoughts of things going wrong caused my stomach to drop.

The most frightening part of it all, at least in my mind, was how many little things that could go wrong and then set off a chain reaction. The central and field teams needed to work in perfect harmony, or else the Intel Initiative would ultimately fail. The gravity of the situation finally started to weigh down on my mind, piling on top of everything else I'd been struggling with.

Our world was on the verge of war - I'd known that for what seemed to be my entire life. And yet, here I was, right in the middle of the country we'd be going to war with. Everything we were doing could fall apart if just a single member of the Intel Initiative made a mistake. There was a reason we'd been put through so much training.

The task we'd been given was so impossible to begin with that I couldn't help but feel surprised we'd even made it to this point to begin with. We were data eaters, not data retrievers, and yet our country thought it would somehow work out if we tried to figure it all out.

We were all doing our best while trying to avoid seeming desperate for a solution. We all wanted the same thing in the end, and that was to prevent a war from breaking out. The problem was, we'd built ourselves a weapon made out of glass that could easily shatter.

I couldn't help but think about all the things that could go wrong. There were so many possibilities, so many things that could end up failing and ruining everything. Any way I turned, there seemed to be a million more fragile ways I personally could end up destroying the situation. Some of them involved Ianto, some of them didn't.

But all of them caused one thing - they all made me feel as if my stomach had been replaced by a million jittery butterflies. With all of these horrid thoughts in my head, it became difficult to even take a few steps. I tried to ignore it as I moved onwards, tried to pretend like there was nothing wrong - certainly I could handle a little acting!

Despite my stomach seeming ready to launch up food at any given moment, I forced myself through the speed movements once again. All the while, I tapped my fingers at their usual breakneck speed on the board of the treadmill, working out both my legs and my hands. After all, both would be needed for this final mission.

I didn't even consider the idea of slowing down or stopping, not even when I finally started to break a sweat. No, once I'd gotten to that point I was already stuck in a rhythm I certainly wouldn't allow myself to stop. There was a strange sort of comfort in the beads of sweat rolling down from my hairline and the way my breath started to become heavier to compensate.

In that moment, there were precious few things in the world that could stop me from running. Of course, one of those few things ended up popping up.

"Alia, get yourself off the treadmill!" Alex called out. I felt a slight temptation to call back and remind him that he technically shouldn't be ordering us around as we'd be all alone when it came to the real mission, but I knew better than to backtalk. I wasn't Ronnie, after all.

"What is it?" I asked after shutting off the treadmill, starting to make my way towards him.

"You've been the speediest one in the group since the very beginning," he explained. "You're just wasting your time there. You could work on your strength, or even on your coding. Anything, really. Just not speed."

"I don't know, it just seems like the right thing to do - I want to be in peak condition," I protested.

"Remember what I told you about peak condition the other day?" he asked. "You peak, yes, and then you fall. I've seen it happen before. I've felt it happen before. Trust me, Alia, you don't want to go through that."

"Are you sure?" I responded, already knowing precisely what answer he was about give back to me.

"Yes, I am very sure. Now, Alia, get away from the treadmills and work on something else."

I finally gave into his demands - after all, I'd resisted against them for quite a while, something I realized I shouldn't exactly be doing for someone who had more than enough authority to kick me off of the team. He most likely wouldn't, especially not with the mission right around the corner, but it wasn't impossible.

The truth was, the main reason I wanted to keep running was because the constant motion helped to distract me from the emptiness that spread throughout my veins once again. I could just run and let my heart beat faster without having to worry about why I felt so strangely cold. There was no mental focus really needed - just everything working together for the physical part of it all.

I supposed that I might be able to achieve a somewhat similar effect by forcing my mind to only work on the coding, and that was the main reason I decided to go along with the whl

"Working on coding, I see," Ronnie said, hanging over my shoulder.

"Don't you have something to do? I don't know, brushing up on your skills. Maybe even doing a bit of flirting with Zeke...?"

"I came over here to work on my skills," she scoffed. "I'm working on coding, same as you."

I glanced over in her direction and then said, "No, you're not."

"Well, I'm not yet!" she replied, rolling her eyes. "You have to let me get set up first. How are you doing at the moment, Parr?"

"I'm doing just fine," I replied, raising my shoulders up in a slight shrug. "I don't see why it matters to you, anyways."

"It shouldn't," she admitted. "But I'm getting down to my work now. So, Parr, inspire me - what are you doing with your coding at the moment?"

I took in a deep breath, unsure if I wanted to share with her. She'd probably just get frustrated with me all over again, tell me I needed to turn my thoughts elsewhere.

"I'm trying to code a messaging system," I admitted.

What I neglected to tell her was that I was trying to figure out how it could be connected to the central base and if it could possibly be used to send a message to Ianto - or even better, receive one in response. Perhaps it was just another hopeless dream of mine, but I just wanted to see if I could do something.

A/N Ah, it's so maddening to be writing an author's note for something so far back during the story! I'm very close to finishing this entire thing, and it's quite interesting to look back at chapters like this and think about how t leads on to other things...I think you're going to enjoy it.