I'd always had a lot of nightmares as a child, Tuney used to say it was because I had a freakish mind and this was my punishment but I never really believed her. I used to have ones where I was being chased by a faceless monster or falling from a tower where I could see the bottom but never seemed to hit it, forever in suspense.

They'd all been awful but they paled in comparison to the one I'd had every night since the incident.

I'd hear screams from the clearing and James would run towards them even thought I begged him to stay, not to get hurt but he'd never listen. I'd try and run after him but my legs wouldn't work and I was too far away for him to hear me as I screamed at him to run and stop being so damn brave all the time. He'd fall down onto the ground and the three figures would laugh as he lay there, bleeding and unconscious on the ground.

I'd always wake up in cold sweat, screaming at this point and my five roommates would jump out of bed and run over, stroking my hair or singing me songs: anything to calm me down. They'd eventually go back to their beds whilst I lay awake, trying to muster the energy and courage to put on a strong façade and face the recurring nightmare that seemed to be my life now.

It knew that it would be perfectly acceptable for me to stay in bed all day, crying over photos of him and eating chocolate but I couldn't, this wasn't like my Dad. The people who did this to James were walking around the halls and even though I hadn't seen them there were other people who would condone what they'd done. I had to be strong, to show that they hadn't broken me.

Snape, Avery and Mulciber seemed like they were bound to get expelled for what they'd done but we were surprised to find out that they'd only been given a one week suspension and two months worth of detention. Sirius and Remus had marched down to Professor Dumbledore's office for an explanation but apparentely all he said to them was something about keeping threats close. Sirius had got really angry about it and had to be dragged off by Mark Bennett and Remus back to his dorm, to stop him from going and attacking the three boys as his own personal form of vengeance.

It had been two weeks since the attack and I still felt the same dull ache.

"You look really pretty today." Alice said kindly as I pulled my hair into a messy ponytail.

"Thanks, Alice." I said, giving her a weak smile. I knew that she was just being kind, I looked worse than I had done in a while. My skin looked chalky and pale and I had large, dark shadows under my eyes. The stress of the whole thing had made me suffer from my worst break out in years, I looked like a mess. My hair was constantly a mess as I would just stuff into the same convenient ponytail today. I looked like a hot mess (except minus the hot).

"What do you have first?"

"Defence against the Dark Arts." Giving Alice another smile. I started smiling every time I said something as if it could convince me that I was feeling okay, "It feels more necessary now than ever."

"Hey Lily," Sirius said solemnly as I walked down the stairs, "Dumbledore and McGonagall gave me permission to visit James today after our Defence against the Dark Arts as I have a free lesson. You have one too, right? If you asked too, I'm sure they'd let you go as well."

"Yeah, I do. Thanks Sirius, that sounds nice." I said in the same sombre tone, "Does that mean there's good news?" I asked hopefully but Sirius quickly shook his head.

"No. He's still unconscious but he's stable." Sirius replied, "That's better than deteriorating."

"Definetly." I said with yet another faint, forced smile, "I'm sure he'll wake up soon."

"I hope so."

We walked to Defence against the Dark Arts in a peaceful silence. At first, we'd spent hours talking about James and crying over what had happened but slowly the raw sadness we'd felt had faded to a dull ache. I was determined to keeping up this strong, serene appearance and I knew that if we started talking about James, it would quickly dissolve.

I tried to give my full attention to our recap lesson on Boggarts but it was hard. I was looking forward to seeing James but it wasn't going to be easy. He was so full of life, I don't know how I would handle seeing him lying there, cold and unconscious. I was half tempted not to go but I knew I'd regret it if I didn't and Sirius would be there too.

The lessons seemed to go both slowly and quickly, I'd lost a lot of my sense of time. Me and Sirius stood up the moment the lesson was over and dashed out of the door. Neither of us had walked with such purpose in weeks and it was nice to have a set destination. I felt like I'd been  drifiting the past few weeks.

We burst into McGonagall's office and she looked between the two of us, a little confused but also sympathetic.

"Miss Evans, what are you doing here?" She asked.

"Um... well, Sirius is seeing James today so I have a free today too so I was wondering if I could see him as well..." I said, panting as I tried to get my breath back.

"Miss Evans, I had only made arrangements for one person..."

"Please, Professor, just let me see him. I can sit in the lobby afterwards if you can only let me in for a bit."

"Miss Evans..." She looked a little flustered and ordinarily, I would have stopped pushing but I wanted to see him, I couldn't let this go.

"I can split my visit in half if that's easier, I'll see him for half and Lily for the other." Sirius said.

"That's very kind of you, Mr Black, but the main issue here is that they're only expecting one person and they are quite picky about non-family members seeing him, especially given his fragile condition." She gave me a sympathetic look, "I really can't allow it, I'm afraid."

"Professor, I'm sorry but I'm not taking no for an answer." I said, surprised by how firm I'd managed to sound. For a second, I thought she was going to get angry at me for my defiance but then she sighed.

"Okay. I can't make any promises though, Miss Evans, they may still not allow you in but I'll apparate you too."

"Thank you, Professor, so, so much..." I said, smiling in disbelief.

"Don't thank me just yet, the staff might not be so easily persuaded." She said with a sigh as she held out her arms for us to apparate with her. I vaguely remembered someone mentioning that you couldn't apparate in or out of Hogwarts but the rules probably didn't apply to Professor McGonagall.

Professor McGonagall walked away from us as soon as we got there, clearly trying to negotiate with the grumpy witch at the desk. The lobby was crowded and bustling when we came in and I was instantly worried that something awful had happened like an attack on the hospital. Sirius noticed my sudden panic and squeezed my arm.

"Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not. Why is it so chaotic?" I said, trying desperately to calm myself down.

"Don't worry, it's always like this especially now. Even when there wasn't a war on, it was still chaotic. Witches and Wizards may be smart but we can be very stupid and careless with our spells sometimes." This calmed me down a bit but I was still stressed out by the crowds and about the possibility that I might not get to see James.

After quite a bit of talking and negotiating with the Witch at the front desk, Professor McGonagall walked over to us, a slight smile on her face.

"She's not happy about it but they'll let you see him for a bit."

"Thank you, Professor." I said, suddenly dashing forward and hugging her. She seemed a little taken aback but not annoyed and I quickly let go.

"No need to thank me, Miss Evans." She said with a smile, "I'll take you both to see him now."

We followed McGonagall through the corridors as I tried to mentally prepare myself for seeing James. I wasn't sure how I would react, I felt like I could be completely unnerved by it or burst into tears, every possible reaction was on the table.

"I'll wait outside for you, should half an hour be enough?"

"No..." Sirius said instantly before seeing the looks that me and Professor McGonagall gave him, "...but I'll take any time. Half an hour is fine."

I pulled him inside the room before he could say anything else, gently closing the door behind us. I had expected James to be in a shared ward with other people but he was all alone in a small room. His glasses were on the dresser besides him and I had a strange impulse to put them on him, it would make him look less bare.

The gashes on his face and neck had faded a bit but they were still prevalent. His face was paler and ashier than mine which I didn't think was possible. I could tell it was James but he didn't have a spark to him, he looked hollow. It was almost too much and for a second I thought I was going to burst into tears.

"Lily, are you okay?" Sirius said, his voice trembling slightly.

"I don't know. I don't know if I can do this, Sirius. I wanted to see him but he doesn't look like James right now. James should be out playing Quidditch, causing havoc and just... being happy and laughing. He looks empty." I said, my voice wavering.

"Do you want to go?" Sirius asked but I shook my head as the only thing worse than staying would be leaving him.

"No... no, I don't. I don't know. I don't know what to do, do we talk to him? Can he even hear us?" I asked, a small tear running down my cheek that I hadn't been able to stop.

"I like to think he can." Sirius said with a small smile, "I'll start, you don't have to talk to him if you don't want to. I'm sure he'd be happy to just know that you're here, even if you're silent."

He pulled up a chair from the corner and sat down next to James. I stood, rooted to the spot, unsure of what to do. I wanted to talk to him more than anything but I wanted to hear his voice, I wanted him to reply, not just empty silence.

"Hey Prongs," Sirius said softly, "You look surprisingly good for someone who's essentially been in a coma for a few weeks, not as good as me though."

I couldn't help but give a small laugh at this, I could almost imagine James's reaction. He'd probably scoff at this or smirk and then say something sassy back.

"You missed a Quidditch match. That wasn't like you, Gryffindor lost against Hufflepuff, reckon it was because they were all missing you and couldn't play without one of their chasers. Mark got really emotional about it afterwards which was odd considering that guy likes to pretend he's an unfeeling cassanova. I think that makes you the first person to make Mark actually feel something, congrats Prongs." Sirius said with a slight laugh, "Lily do you want to talk to him?"

"Not yet." I said, staying in my safe space a few feet away, "I wouldn't know what to say." Sirius nodded and turned away.

"You'll be pleased to hear that I actually spoke to Marlene properly, for the first time in ages. We had an actual conversation and it was nice. I don't know how long it will last but it's getting better, we're less rocky now." I had definetly seen an improvement in Marlene's mood now that Sirius had stopped blanking her, she'd spoken to me about it a bit and she said it was nice that he was ready to tell her.

"I wish I could speak to you properly." I whispered to myself. I kind of hoped that James could somehow hear but considering even Sirius didn't hear me, there was no way that he would.

"It's not the same without you, the dorm is a lot quieter. I sat on the roof outside out the common room the other day, it was odd."

"I miss the stargazing." I said suddenly with a small smile. Slowly, I walked forwards to where Sirius was, pulling up a chair next to him, "I would go by myself but it's not the same."

"It's really not," Sirius said with a laugh, "The Sirius is my only company now and it's not the best conversationalist. In fact, it doesn't say anything at all, it's pretty lousy really."

"That's why you have to wake up for us, James," I said suddenly, "You can't be beaten by a star in conversation, that's your strong point. Please wake up for us, James, we're here and we want you to be awake and okay..."

"Lily." Sirius put his hand on my shoulder as tears began to fall down my cheeks.

"James, you have to wake up, okay? You can't just disappear, I don't like it without you. Please wake up, James." For a second, I thought I saw James's eyelid flutter and my heart leapt as I thought my words had actually worked but it must have been a trick of the light. James remained just as cold and unmoving before.

"Lily, are you okay?"

"No, no, I'm not because he should be awake, he shouldn't be like this. He's James, he's lively, he's charming, he... talks, you know? He doesn't deserve to be here with gashes on his face and no voice." I said although I don't know if Sirius could understand me now as my words were  mingled with sobs, "I was wrong, I don't think I can do this. I'm sorry, James."

I pushed my chair back hastily and backed away from the bed. I hated that James had no idea what had just happened, he had no way to react. He was completely disconnected and it was too much.

"Miss Evans, this is soon... " Professor McGonagall said before noticing my tears, "Oh dear, it can be hard seeing someone you love like that."

"Can we go back to Hogwarts?" I said through tears as Sirius came out after me.

"I don't know if we should leave, Mr Black..."

"No, it's okay, take her back, Professor." Sirius said. She looked a little unsure but eventually my tear streaked face convinced her.

"Okay, if you're sure. I will be back shortly, Mr Black, once we've got Miss Evans settled down."

Although she offered to stay with me and talk it through, I could tell she was anxious about leaving Sirius for too long and I decided that it would be best for me to be in the common room anyway.

I tried to wipe my tears away with the back of my sleeve as I walked back, in a very weak attempt to keep up my strong façade for appearances.

"Lily Evans?" I turned around to see a short, skinny Slytherin behind me. He looked a little sheepish and wouldn't meet my eye.

"Are you okay?" I asked, remembering that I was Head Girl and maybe he just needed some help. I'd had to comfort a few first years over the past few weeks, an attack was scary enough but an attack on the Head Boy terrified them.

"Oh, yes! I'm fine." He said quickly, "I have to give you something."

"What is it?" I asked warily, watching closely as the boy dug into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of parchment. He attempted to straighten it out a bit before handing it to me.

"Who is it from?"

"Can't say, read it and find out." He muttered before scampering away as fast as possible down the corridor.

The letter was quite strange, all it had on one it was my name, a date and a classroom. Whoever it was clearly wanted to meet although there were no reasons. It was unsigned although I could recognise the scrawny handwriting almost immediately.

Severus.