Although I did miss Hogwarts, I would have definitely preferred to re-return under different circumstances. Meeting with Dumbledore to discuss stolen letters would be awkward at best and damn traumatic at most.

Part of me, still wanted to be faithful and trusting that he had my best interests at heart but the letters had put me on edge so I had fully prepared for the worst. Not only did I have my wand but I had stocked up on potions and curious talismans just in case he tried anything. I was pretty sure he would try and kill me but a memory charm of some sorts wasn't too improbable.

Remus had helped me prepare, on the promise that I would tell James why I was seeing Dumbledore after this which I had readily agreed to. I was done with keeping this secret, especially since Marlene had seemingly disappeared off of the face of the earth and me and Dorcas were fighting. I wanted to be able to talk to James completely and honestly again.

When I got to Hogwarts by portkey, it felt darker and gloomier than when I'd last been. Even though we'd had the potential to get in serious trouble, we'd been together and happy; right now I was scared and alone. Nothing bad will happen, I kept repeating to myself over and over again even though my pounding heart managed to drown it out almost completely.

Dumbledore had given me his password by patronus a few days before, a bright, white phoenix appearing in our bedroom in the early hours of morning: timidis, latin for fearful. James hadn't been there, called out on some mission which was lucky in some ways as I didn't have to explain anything but in some ways it was the worst, only increasing my sense of fear.

"Timidis."

My words seemed to echo around the empty corridor as the stairs to Dumbledore's office slowly revealed themselves and I began to walk up them, hastily going over all of the protections I had brought with me. Dumbledore was sitting at his desk, calmly when I walked in, writing something which made his feathered quill swirl elegantly. He looked up, a faint, warm smile appearing on his face as I sat down. I think he meant it to calm me down but my paranoid mind made it come across as sinister and unnerving.

"Mrs Potter - "

"Lily. You don't have to so formal," I snapped, the formal tone creating a strange sense of uneasy detachment which immediately terrified me.

"Lily, I'm so glad you could make it," He picked a small yellow sweet out of a bowl, holding it out to me, "Sherbet lemon?"

"No, I'm okay thank you," I replied; this was no time for sweets. He gave a small smile as he slowly unwrapped the sweet, intentionally taking his time before popping it in his mouth.

"I believe I could create a riot here if I announced this but I do believe the muggle sweets are far superior to wizarding sweets. I do like sweets that stay in my mouth rather than hop away - "

"Professor Dumbledore, could we please maybe stay in topic," I snapped, "I know I'm in the wrong here and I should be stalling as that's what I usually do but right now, I just want to know what's going to happen."

"Oh yes, the letters. Good thing you reminded me, I'd almost completely forgotten," He gave a small laugh, the corners of his eyes crinkling. My Dad used to say if a smile reached the eyes it was genuine so this did vaguely calmed me down a bit although I still felt like my stomach was overflowing with butterflies.

"I think I need to explain," I gave a deep breath, deciding to go with my new policy of honesty and just confess the true reason, "I ... I don't know how to say this but ... this sounds so bad... I stole the letters because I... I thought you were the spy."

"You thought I was the spy? I can assure you are not, I will say it again with veritaserum if that will assure," He asked, slowly. As usual, his face was serene, almost as if he'd been expecting it.

"I... I think I'm okay for now. I understand if you are very annoyed and want me to leave the Order but please just understand that I was very scared and please don't send me back to Dedalus Diggle's house," Dumbledore raised one of his eyebrows at me and I realised that I had come across as rather rude, "I don't mean him specifically but I just hated being cooped up under house arrest - "

"That was recovery, you had been injured," He said calmly but I shook my head.

"Can we please be honest? It didn't feel like recovery because our wounds were healed within days yet we were there for longer. I know this all sounds blunt but I'm scared and when I'm scared I become blunt and much bolder hence why I bit Voldemort - "

"I meant to ask you what he tasted like," Dumbledore cut in.

"Um... like... wax? I don't know, okay and I know this small talk should make me calmer but it's not, it's stressing me out and I would like to just stay on topic," I rambled much to his amusement.

"I do apologise, I will return to the conversation, my childlike curiosity took over momentarily. Your time at Dedalus's house was meant to be a holiday of sorts. It was intended to help you recover both physically and mentally. The physical wounds may have healed but if we had let you out then, you would have been panicked and paranoid, a danger to yourself as well as others," He said slowly, "I am sorry if you saw it as house arrest."

"I guess... I guess I accept your apology," I replied softly, "I just felt trapped and useless, like we'd made one mistake and were being punished for it."

"I am grateful, Lily, it was never my intent to hurt you or make you feel trapped," He looked me dead in the eye, "I am being sincere, Lily, please do believe me."

"What about the letters? I know I shouldn't have stolen them but you... you haven't been right either," I said, shifting in my chair with unease, "What I mean by that is why were you using hidden ink in your letters? And why did you arrange to meet with Grindlewald? You were acting like the spy and I can't think of another reason!"

He gave a small impressed smile, "You certainly have done you research, you always were an exceptionally talented witch, precisely why I chose you as head girl. The potion is simply the best method of concealment for letters available. Of course it is still not guaranteed which is why I refused to discuss sensitive matters in my letters but it provides a great deal of security. I imagine the contents of those letters will be even more secure with the passing of Fleamont, I shall have to find another method of communication," He said, his voice slightly sad.

"Why write to him at all though?"

"Are you aware of the phrase, keep you friends close but your enemies closer?"

I couldn't help but scoff, "Everyone in the English speaking world is aware of that phrase... sorry."

"Do you see why I was meeting with Grindlewald now?"

I nodded vaguely which slowly morphed into me shaking my head, "Um... not really."

"Grindlewald held and still holds a very similar ideology to many of Voldemort's Deatheaters. In fact I have discovered that many of Voldemort's supporters are indeed the children of those who fought alongside Grindlewald. Azkaban may be high security but you would be surprised how easy it is to smuggle letters out if you are determined, a trait which many of the Deatheaters possess."

He gave a small sigh, "I was afraid that he would be able to help them, tell them information which would further their cause. Instead of simply sitting idly and watching this happen, I began visiting him longer before the war started, right from the start. I am pleased to say that he expressed no interest in furthering Voldemort's cause however he seemed despondent to the war in general. Possible a side effect of the Dementor's kiss, it does tend to suck all the passion out of a person - "

A snort of laughter escaped, imagining the potential for dirty jokes there had Dorcas been here. Dumbledore gave me a confused look and I quickly wiped the smile of my face, remembering I was currently annoyed at her, in theory anyway.

"Grindlewald is not going to be helping the Deatheater's but he will not be helping us either," He said slowly, "As for the idea of there being a spy in our ranks, I agree with you. It was inevitable, an organisation so large is bound to."

"Marlene said something similar," I added vaguely, "Do you know who it is? Is it Marlene?"

He gave a small, sad smile, "I'm afraid I am as clueless as you are on this. Everyone appears to be jumpy at present, it's hard to tell suspicious behaviour from regular paranoia. Rest assured, we are working towards - "

"No. I don't want to rest assured," I replied, "I don't want to just sit around and help."

"Lily, you have to understand, this is a hard task and I fear it will be hard to objective - "

"I don't care, I can do that. I just want to know," I admitted, "And I can make it worth your while too. Fleamont left me his potions books, including the concealment and reappearing charm. You can carry on with your letter writing, I can make the potion, Fleamont himself believed I was capable. Please let me help you... and the Marauders."

He tilted his head to the side slightly, "Oh?"

"They were the ones who first started the investigations and they can help. They have matured, I swear, James can cook now and Sirius works hard, he helped plan this," I said desperately, "Just keep us informed, please? We're scared and paranoid too."

He stared at me very intently for a few moments, "I will keep in it my mind, Lily, although I would prefer to keep the findings within a small group until we know for sure."

Although I wanted to protest further, all I could manage was a simple nod seeing as I was still in the wrong. The meeting had gone surprisingly well, I hadn't had to use any of my talismans which gave me the confidence for my next time: admitting the secret to James (one of them anyway).

•••

Luckily, Sirius and Remus had gone for a 'walk' when I came in, leaving James alone in the kitchen, trying yet another batch of pancakes.

"Lily?" His head poked out of the archway, "Is that you? Where did you go?"

"Um... that's what I've been meaning to tell you," I said, my confidence slowly fading as I put my bag down, "I think... I think I want to tell you one of the reasons I've been so secretive lately. I was seeing Dumbledore."

His head poked out of the kitchen again, his brow furrowed, "You were seeing him?" He slowly walked into the living room, taking off his apron, "Lily, I'm pretty sure he's gay... "

"What? He is, I think, why?... oh God," I put my head in my hands, laughing slightly as I sat down next to him, "God, you sound just like Dorcas. I saw him today to discuss the secret, I'm not hooking up with Dumbledore, don't worry."

"What is it then?"

"You know how you and the guys were trying to figure out who the spy was and eventually Sirius decided on Marlene?" I looked away slightly, "You weren't the only ones investigating. I got annoyed about your methods and started my own one... please don't be annoyed at me, I didn't want to annoy you and then I made it a bigger deal than it should have been. I'm sorry."

He blinked a few times, a confused look crossing his face, "Why didn't you just tell me?"

"I thought you'd be annoyed with me about it."

"I wouldn't have been though," He said, his voice scarily calm, "I don't get annoyed at stuff like that... you could have just told me this rather than leaving me in the dark slowly getting more and more paranoid that I'd done something wrong and I was losing all of you."

"I'm sorry, I misjudged the situation," I said desperately, taking his hand but he let go, standing up.

"Badly. I thought I'd scared you guys, I thought you were hurt and sick... you should have just told me. Did Sirius know? Remus too?" He snapped, "Where you all keeping it from me?"

"What? No, they didn't know... well, Remus did when I told him at the funeral but they didn't,  was just me and the girls."

"You should have told me!"

"I'm telling you now!" I replied desperately, "I'm telling you now because I couldn't keep it any longer, these past few months have been awful."

"For me too!" He shouted back, before calming his tone again, "I'm sorry but that wasn't even a big secret. I've kept secrets before but this one was just small and it wasn't worth all the paranoia."

I reached out for him but he stood up sharply, rushing up the stairs. One meeting out of two wasn't bad but I hated that I'd upset him so much that it felt like it cancelled out all the success of the other one.

Hold on to your hats because I'm making the Idiot with the Glasses A SERIES! More information to follow but by the end you guys will have a lot more Jily to compensate for the fact they die... whoops - E x