"Lily? I didn't think you'd come." Severus's face flooded with relief and surprise as I walked into the classroom, softly closing the door behind me. For a second, he darted forwards as if to hug me but stopped when I instinctively moved away. We weren't friends anymore, I didn't want to see him let alone hug him.

"I didn't think I was either. I wasn't going to but if I didn't would you get one of your death eater friends to hex me?" I said coldly. I wasn't sure why I'd turned up, he was the last person I'd wanted to say but I wanted to see what he had to say for himself. I had my wand sneakily hidden in my sleeve just in case so I was prepared. His face, that had been in a faint smile before, fell dramatically as he saw that I clearly wasn't as excited about this little reunion as he was.

"Either way, I'm glad you came... I needed to explain - " He stuttered, desperately trying to gage the situation.

"Explain what exactly? I know that you're one of them, you've made it very clear over the years." I was surprised how devoid of emotion I could make myself when talking to him. Over the past few days, I'd been through a rollercoaster of emotions, sadness, anger, even vengeful at some points but I didn't want Severus to know that.

"I know, I've set the expectations of me so low but I want to explain." He said softly, "I didn't... I didn't know you would be there, when you ran off I didn't think you'd come back - "

"What? You thought I was running away like a coward? Of course, I'd come back for him."

"I know, I'm sorry that I said that and I'm sorry you had to see that - "

"That's what you're sorry for?" I scoffed at him. There goes my plan for being emotionless, "Not the fact that you were attacking some poor third year for his Dad being an auror or that you injured James when he tried to stop you? You're sorry that I caught you."

"No, no!" He backed away slightly, waving his hands up like he was surrendering. "I'm sorry for James too! I'm sorry that he's hurt."

Although his voice was sincere, his face gave it away, forming into a faint, almost  triumphant smirk the moment James's name came out of his mouth.

"Don't lie to me, Severus, you hate him!" He looked down at his feet, sheepishly, "Anyway, this has been a great chat, but I'd rather be revising for N.E.W.Ts to distract myself from the fact my boyfriend is currently in St. Mungos fighting for his life thanks to you and your friends."

"Lily, please wait..." he grabbed my hand, his face desperate, "Please, Lily, I know that we're not friends but I needed to explain myself. Your face when you saw me there, it killed me and I needed to talk to you. I'm not like that, that's... that's not me."

"What do you mean by that? Are you saying that you're not involved in the dark arts and you just happened to be there with Avery and Mulciber with your wand out. Excuse me for jumping to conclusions, Sev." I said sarcastically.

"You called me Sev." His face lit up dramatically and I got the feeling that everything I'd said before that had been completely disregarded.

"Old habits, Severus." I replied, "But I feel like we've had this conversation before so many times. You'd be caught with them doing some vile spell on some poor muggleborn like me and then you'd brush it off or worse, you'd defend it."

"But I've changed now, that was back in fifth year, for god's sake..." He said flatly, not even trying to disguise his lie.

"Have you? Have you really?" I asked weakly.

"Yes, I have changed, Lily, we all have, it's been two years. You're willing to believe that Potter had changed since then." He snarled, his face had suddenly turned very bitter.

"He has." I replied, "He no longer hexes first years for fun and he's not the arrogant prat he used to be, he makes me laugh and he makes me happy. He's changed since then."

"That's what he tells you - " Severus continued in the same snarling tone but I cut him off.

"No, actually, he doesn't tell me, he doesn't NEED to tell me because I can see it in the way he acts and the way he behaves. If he had to tell me and insists that he had then I don't think he really would have changed. Actions speak louder than words and right now you're saying you've changed when what you did indicates otherwise." I snapped. His bitterness had been replaced by a strange mixture of defiance and sadness.

"I have changed. If I'd known you had been there, I never would have gone, I never would have endangered your life. I care about you, Lily." His voice caught slightly as he finished.

"I believe you. For the first time today, I believe you." His face began to brighten but I wasn't finished, "But I don't think you really get it, it's not enough just to stop if you see me involved. You've always done that, if you think about it. You would call everyone like me a ... mudblood -"

The words still hurt to say, bringing back painful memories of that day. I could tell that he felt it too, looking sadly down at the ground.

" - yet you'd claim I was different and you didn't mean it. This is exactly the same except this time the dangers against me are bigger but it's not different, fundamentally."

"Well then tell me how I should change, what change do you want! Please, tell me!" He yelled suddenly, his face frantic and wild.

"You really don't know?"

"Just tell me what I have to do, Lily." He looked sad and lonely but he didn't look like the Severus I'd been best friends with. He looked like a sad hollow ghost of the boy I used to know.

"Leave Voldemort, stop attacking muggleborns and innocent people, there are so many things you could do to show me that you've changed as you claim." I . He paused for a second, clenching his fist in frustration.

"I can't do that, it's not that simple." He said, his face screwed up in what almost looked like disappointment.

"It could be." I said weakly, "You're not too far gone, we're 17, for god's sake. We have our whole lives ahead of us, it's not too late to make the right choice."

"I can't just leave, Lily. I've been marked, I'm a Deatheater for life now." He said bitterly.

"You could speak to Dumbledore, they could protect you. Please, Severus, you could stop this."

"I can't." Before he'd been looking at his feet, "I won't Lily... he has some good ideas and we wouldn't have to be in hiding anymore."

I stayed completely silent, it was awful hearing him defend. Even though it had been years, a small part of me still held out hope that Severus didn't really believe any of it, he'd joined because of peer pressure. I wanted to believe that the Severus I'd known hadn't actually done those things.

"Lily? Say something, please."

"I don't really have much more to say." I replied simply, turning around to walk out the door.

"Lily, please I'll change, I care about you, I care - " He began desperately, throwing himself in front of me in a last attempt to get me to stay.

"Stop saying that, if you cared about me, actually cared about me, you wouldn't have joined a group that persecutes people like me. I don't have anything else to say to you, right now. Goodbye Severus." I snarled, whipping round sharply. I had to get out of there and this time Severus didn't try and stop me. Just in case, I ran down the corridor until I was far away enough that I was sure he couldn't find me.

I wanted to believe he would change but the way he'd acted when James was attacked was so manic and scary, he almost looked like he was enjoying himself before he noticed me. I wanted to believe that he would keep his promise and leave Voldemort's side for goods but he was addicted to it now, addicted to the power it gave him and the freedom, I could tell. I could tell him endless reasons why he should stop but he wouldn't listen not really. He might feel guilty but no words could take him out of it.

The only way he would snap out of it was something big to happen but I had no idea what that would be and whether it would come in time before he was too far gone.

I didn't even know where I was walking but I ended up at the Gryffindor common room which seemed to be my go to place when I was upset. It was completely empty, most people were probably in lessons or outside in the sun if they didn't.

I don't know what I'd been expecting from my talk with Severus but I definitely hadn't expected to feel so, so alone afterwards. I wanted to talk to James about it but I couldn't right now. He was unconscious, oblivious to the world, oblivious to how much I was missing him.

I sat down at one of the desks, breathing deeply to try and calm myself down. I realised quickly that this was the exact same desk I'd sat at last year when I'd wanted to study and noticed his jawline instead. It was the same room but it had been so much brighter then, his presence illuminating it.

"Besides I don't want to waste this quality time between us." I could almost hear him say it, like he had that dayas he lay there with his magazines and snitch, smiling his crooked grin. I'd been rude to him and ignored him. I closed my eyes trying to picture him lying there, happy and carefree but all I could think about was his bruised and cut face that lay unconscious in St Mungo's.

"Where are you, James, I want the quality time." I said soflty, tears starting to roll down my cheeks, "Do you hear me, James, I want the quality time back, please."

I closed my eyes tightly hoping that when I opened them he'd be here, smiling and laughing on the sofa.

"What are you on about, I'm right here, Lily, come and spend it with me," He'd say, holding out his arms to me.

It was such a vivid image that I half expected it to actually be true but when I reopened my eyes, but the room was just as empty and gloomy as it was before. I stood up from the chair, slamming my hands on the chair.

"James Potter, I want quality time with you, I want any time with you." I shouted out, my voice echoing around the large ceiling. I banged my hands softly on the desk, slowly getting louder as if that would help in any way, "James, wake up, please! I want the quality time, I want it back. Wake up!"

I wanted to go back in time and stop him from intervening even though I knew that would have been just as bad in the end. James would have beaten himself up over it and so would I but at least he would be here.

I slammed my hands down so hard that the papers and pens on the desk shook as if there was a mini earthquake going on. My body became racked with sobs as I slammed my hands down harder. I thought that pretending to be okay would make it okay but it just made it worse and worse. I lay my head down on the desk, anything to stop seeing the empty common room.

"Lily? Oh my god!" I looked up to see Alice and Frank standing over me. I hadn't even realise that the lesson had ended, I wondered how long I'd been lying on the desk for.

"Your hands are bleeding." Frank said clearly uncomfortable and glancing at Alice desperately.

"Oh no, Lily what did you do?" Alice knelt down, holding up my left arm and examining the knuckles.

"I didn't even realise... " I said, small tears still rolling down my cheeks. Alice chose not to ask anymore questions about it for which I was deeply grateful. I calmed down after a bit although Alice was careful to keep me away from Sirius who apparentely had been in a similar state as well until Marlene had calmed him down.

I decided on an early night that night, hoping that in the morning he would wake up and all would be right again.