I felt slightly heavy hearted as I came back home, the visit with my Mother and Dorcas's constant talk about the desire for normal life had really put a downer on my mood. James was probably back by now so at least I could snuggle up next to him which always cheered me up.

When I came in, the door was locked which was unlike the boys who usually left it open for anyone to walk in claiming that magical locks were enough even though everyone had a wand. I dumped my coat on the table before walking over to the sofa to pull my boots off.

"James?" I called up and was met with no reply, "James? I'm home... James?"

There was still no reply and I felt a shiver down my neck as I realised that the whole flat was eerily silent. Living with three immature boys meant that the flat was usually bustling with noise so complete silence was utterly terrifying and I wanted it to stop.

"James?" I heard a noise from upstairs and tugged my boot off, practically throwing it off so it skidded along the floor. I dashed up the stairs to the top floor of our flat, wondering where the noise had come from, "JAMES!"

I yelled again and heard another noise... from Remus's room. Forgetting that it was polite to knock, I burst in, "What is - oh!" Remus scambled up from the bed, covering himself with the sheet as I hastily averted my eyes, "Oh God, Remus! Put some clothes on!"

"This is my room!" He yelled back, "I can.. can do what I want!"

"I heard a noise and we're in a war, it was perfectly obvious that I would walk in to investigate!" I shouted back, continuing to shield my eyes. I heard him laugh slightly and scowled, this was NOT a laughing matter, "Stop laughing at me!"

"Lily, I'm covered, it's fine," Remus said.

"That's what James says and he NEVER is," I replied with a small laugh, "I mean I look anyway... but that's a COMPLETELY different subject and you need to STOP distracting me! You... you need to get some pyjamas..."

"I do have pyjamas, Lily," Remus replied, smirking slightly as I realised.

"Oh... OH! You have... um... company," I said, blushing deep red as I realised what I'd walked in on, "... Oh, I'll leave you and... um, who are you with? I don't see anyone..."

"Um..." He looked a little awkward, "They are... kind of... hiding."

"Hiding... why? Oh my God, is it someone I know? Oh my God... Mary?" Remus looked away, "It's Mary, isn't it?"

"Not really - "

"You didn't tell me you were back together, she said she was over you and was in love with all the American guys," I clapped my hands, "Aha, I can't believe this... Mary, it's just Lily, you can come out now!"

"Lily, it's not Mary," Remus interrupted, looking a little nervous, "It's not Mary. I can't say who they are, okay?"

"But Remus, it's me," I replied, "I won't tell James or Sirius. Do you know where they are by the way? I thought you said they'd be back in an hour and it's been like two."

"Um... James went out to see his parents, apparentely they're a bit under the weather," Remus said, "He shouldn't be long. As for Sirius, I have no clue. He just vanished as he does sometimes - "

"Wait," We both froze and Remus's eyes widened as we heard Sirius's voice in the room. I watched as from under the bed, Sirius slowly emerged, his usually immaculate hair dishelleved and his shirt buttoned up wrong.

"Sirius, what are you doing?" Remus whispered, "You were the one who kept this secret - "

"She's figuring it out and she would have sussed it out," Sirius replied, his face paler than I'd ever seen before.

"I really wasn't... what is going on here?" I asked, my voice soft. Both of them looked at each other and then back at me as it dawned on me, "You never got over him, did you, Remus? That's why you were distant from Mary... you... you don't like girls - "

"No, I do... did... still do," Remus said, not meeting my eyes, "I really did like Mary and I was attracted to her. I wouldn't have... done stuff if I wasn't. I did like her, I swear and I was over Sirius for a bit, I swear," I noticed how he used Sirius's name instead of Padfoot as if something had changed which it evidently had, "But then stuff began to come back to me and I kept pushing it away until that night I was taken to Arbury Hall. He was the only one on my mind and I just knew and he felt it too. We were both feeling and Marlene knew, she'd known for weeks I think... months even."

"Is that why she ended things?" I asked, "You told her how you felt?"

Sirius nodded, "The night in the hospital she was sad and angry. Hell, I didn't have to say it but she knew. It was sad, it hurt me because I did care about her so, so much. She was my first girlfriend and I really did love her so much but it had faded. I still remember what she said, 'I just wish I was your weakness, Sirius." and then she left to go and see you, I think although maybe it was to escape too."

"Why didn't she tell me?" I asked softly. I expected Sirius to shrug, to say he didn't know but instead he looked away as he spoke, neither of them meeting my eye.

"Because she knew it wasn't something you told. We still... still cared about each other immensely even through the fights. She knew it would hurt me if people found out, make me even more of a social pariah than I already am. She kept it to herself to protect me, told everyone we were just 'drifting apart' or something. Marlene really is... she really is amazing, Lily, and I owe so much to her but I just couldn't be with her," Sirius said, his voice growing soft, "I can't speak to her now, she's angry and sad but tell her you know and that I'm sorry."

"Does James know?" I asked, slightly stunned by the whole thing. I'd known Remus had a crush but I thought that's all it would ever amount to. I knew the hippies did stuff like this, but this didn't happen in the 1970s.

"No and he can't know," Sirius replied quickly.

"He's understand - "

"No, no he wouldn't," Sirius said bitterly, "I want to tell him but he can never know. He wouldn't understand, he'd think we... we betrayed him. Broke the bonds of brotherhood and stuff, he'd think we were turning our backs on him. Lily, you can't tell him, he doesn't understand, I don't blame him but he just... doesn't. I can't lose him, he's like my brother and he can't lose us either."

"Besides, neither of us are... gay," Remus said, finding it hard to say the word, "We've both liked girls but I always knew I was different."

"It's not the same though," Sirius said, turning to Remus, "We're not dating and we never will."

"... right," Remus said, his gaze lingering on Sirius even after Sirius turned away. I was about to say something else as we heard the door slam.

"Everyone, I'm home! You can all relax now!" James called up and the three of us exchanged alarmed glanced.

"You two get dressed and think of a cover," I hissed, "I can distract him."

They nodded and I darted out the room but not before Sirius said my name, catching my attention, "Lily... thank you."

"Yeah, thanks, Lily," Remus said, neither of them meeting my eye. I was kind of glad because I wasn't sure how to handle the whole thing and was already dreading the idea of keeping yet another secret from James. We never kept anything from each other, one secret was already out of hand but two felt like an awful burden. I wanted to tell him, wanted to believe that he'd understand but Sirius was right about it all. James couldn't know and I would just have to figure out a way to keep something from my husband.

I sighed, I should probably get used to it, the longer we were married, the more secrets we would keep.

"Hey James," I said, walking down the stair. James's face brightened as he saw me, holding out his arms for me which I gratefully ran into, allowing myself to forget everything in his embrace, "I missed you."

"We've only been apart a few hours," He whispered, holding me tightly.

"I know but it's been a rocky few hours," I replied. He pulled away slightly but I pulled him back again, I wasn't ready to escape the comfort just yet.

"Eek, tea with Dorcas go badly?" He said with a small laugh and I suddenly remembered that he didn't know where I'd been.

"Yeah... yeah, it did," I replied, my voice quivering slightly even though I had no reason to feel sad.

"Lily?" He held his hands on my shoulders, "What happened?"

"I don't know... I can't say, it's secreto," I replied, feeling a small tear roll down my cheek for no particular reason.

"That's okay," He replied, "You don't have to say, Lily."

"But I want to but I can't... I don't like keeping stuff from you," I replied, wiping away the escaping tear, "I really don't..."

"Lily - " I pulled him into a fierce kiss, I needed him close to me to help stabilise all the chaos of the day.

"Please can we not talk right now," I replied, pulling away from him, "Because if we talk, I'll break down and tell you stuff which I can't." I pulled him into a kiss again before taking his hand and taking him upstairs. When we came onto the landing, Remus was just leaving his room and judging from the footsteps in Sirius's room, he had returned too. Me and Remus exchanged eye contact for a few moments as me and James walked across the landing.

Remus's face then broke into a smile, "Everything okay with you two?"

James replied for me which was good as I wasn't sure I would be able to, "I think so... we just need a little privacy for a bit."

Remus snorted, "Message received, have fun, you two."

"Oh we will," James replied as I pulled him into the room, pulling him into a kiss again.

•••

"We should probably head down..." James said, stretching his arms as he lay next to me but I shook my head, "No? Okay, can't complain there."

I gave a small laugh as I trace my finger up his chest and along his collar bone, "James, you're very... carved."

It was his turn to laugh as he gave me a confused look, "Thanks, I think?... Lily, are you sure you're okay? I don't want to force you to talk about it if you don't want to but it might help you."

I sighed and rolled away from him onto my back, "I think it would help me but I still can't."

"You need to be your first priority," James replied, rolling onto his side and smiling at me reassuringly.

"No, that would be you," I replied, a smile involuntarily coming to my face, "You know I am very selfless usually. I don't think I can in this situation because it would have so many negative effects and hurt so many people that it would be unbelievably selfish to put myself first."

"This is why I love you, Lily," He said and I turned my head, rolling over to face him, "You are single handedly the most good person I have ever met. I think that's why I loved you all this time because let's face it, I'm an asshole and always have been a little bit - "

"I don't think you are," I replied softly.

"I am a bit and I was back in Hogwarts, I wouldn't have dated me either. But then I saw you and you were always smiling, always helping others even when I could see you were at breaking point. I just thought you were everything that was good and beautiful in the world... I still do," His face was very solemn, serious just like his best friend, "But sometimes you have to be selfish like me. Put yourself first."

"But you're not selfish though, James Potter," I said, sitting up slightly and running my fingers through his hair because it didn't look messy enough for my liking, "You're not. I wish I could give speeches like you but let's face it, I can't but please believe me, when I say you are not selfish."

He didn't reply with words, instead pulling me into a kiss. He pulled away, softly saying, "But it's okay to be selfish if it's hurting you."

I gave a small snort of laughter, "Damn, when did you start giving such good advice, what happened to the asshole I fell in love with?"

He sat upright quickly, snapping his fingers, "See? You did think I was an asshole!"

"Okay, maybe just a little bit..."

You guys are great and I know that none of you would do this but I will delete any homophobic comments. If you don't ship Wolfstar, that's fine, we all have our opinions but any homophobia will be deleted so don't make me delete anything. I wanted to write about this as I do ship Wolfstar a bit and also it's kind of a close issue for me as my own Dad struggled with being bi in the 1970s and 1980s and I kind of wanted to write about it because of that too. Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter which felt kind of different to the others for me (I don't know if that was just me) - E x