I am so done with my brain. I'm pretty sure I have something wrong with me but I literally have no idea what the hell it is and its pissing me off. Of course, I can't just go up to my parents and be like "Hey! I'm pretty sure I have something along the lines of a bipolar disorder and I'm fourteen!" No. My parents don't believe me about anything along those lines. Doubt they would believe me if I told them I'm ace. But seriously, what the actual hell is wrong with me?!?!

I thought it was Dissociative Identity Disorder after I saw this:

Because almost all of those fit my description. I actually looked up DIF and its a lot more serious than that. Personalities have different names, different pasts, different experiences and preferred items, and that's way more serious than whatever I am.

I thought I might have bipolar disorder, but like I said, it seems a lot more extreme than what u have right now. Yes, I do go through mood swings. Yes, I have had depressive phases. Yes, I have had volatile phases. But it seems a lot more... Extreme than what I have. But things have happened that I can't explain. My mood can change faster than someone can come up with a good way to end that sentence, I can suddenly turn violent and angry, (like I literally just posted something about loading a shot gun and getting ready to shoot some peeps), I can turn depressive for no reason, I can talk for days on end and then be silent the next day.

This was probably the most recent one, and I don't freaking understand it and it's so weird. I remember feeling distant, sort of, and I was talking to one of my friends via text. I don't even remember what she was talking about, just whatever came into her mind. She was having a jolly good time, and I couldn't even pay attention I was very distant and my answers were short. I started listening to music and I was drawn to Halsey, specifically Control and Castle. Then I remember her asking if I was okay and I responded:
"Are you scared of me?"
"Um... Why?"
"I want people to be scared of me. I want them to be afraid of getting on the wrong side of me."

I usually daydream (or nightdream since it was dark out) while listening to music in my room, and I remember, very clearly, that I was standing alone completely apart from other people and I was covered in blood. It was freaking Chara style with the creepy grin and everything. I remember that I kept asking her similar questions like: what makes her scared of me? When is she scared of me? Do I seem intimidating? If you didn't know me, would you be scared of me? Do you think that I am a freak who shouldn't be around other people? I remember she told me that she was scared of me when I was angry, partially because it comes out of nowhere and partially because of how I act when I'm angry

Eventually, she had to go to sleep, but I didn't feel tired. I went to wattpad and AO3 to find something to read, and I felt NOTHING. Even with feels, the most I felt was a tightness in my stomach. I literally felt nothing but cold, detached, blood, independent, intimidating, threatening. I'm pretty sure I didn't fall asleep until after three am. When I woke up the next morning, my friend asked me if I was alright. I told her I felt fine and she asked me about the night before, and I couldn't feel the same way or understand why I was acting like that. In fact, I was probably more clingy than usual. I felt kind of hurt when she wouldn't text me because she was playing Undertale, even though I do the exact same thing to her all the time.

You can't read that and tell me that's normal. And, I've had similar things to that. I broke down in tears once because of something my friend texted me and our friendship even had effects because of that one text. And it wasn't an asshole text like "ur a terrible person ur just as bad as Flowey", no, it was something completely normal. I've blown up at people because they did something THEY NORMALLY DO,  I can be very spacey and quiet, and then suddenly start talking about whatever stuff comes to my mind. I don't know what I am, and it is driving me up the walls.

Sorry for ranting, but seriously. I'm not normal, but I don't exactly know what's wrong with me either..... And I haven't even mention my weird "biting" problem... Dear god, what the hell were you trying to make me? Did you have too many beers while doing that?

(On a hilarious side note, while trying to come up with a photo for this i searched "what even are you" and this was the second result:

XDDDDD Another win for Homestuck)

Pretty sure this is how most people feel about me though, like god, I really need to get my shit together except I don't know how.
~Lilac? I mean, I don't even know what I am anymore.