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∽ m i r a c l e ' s  p e r s p e c t i v e ∽

"You're . . ." I utter in a silent whisper, "breaking up with me?"

"Yes," Chance answers without any hesitations.

"Bullshit." I sputter while coldly staring at him. My eyes has gotten open widely. "Why the hell you're declaring a break-up?"

"Nothing. Let's just end this nonsense relationship." He simply says and turns around.

"Is that all? Unbelievable." I scoff as I chuckle. Silently gritting my teeth, I inhale a huge amount of air inside of me. Magically, it is hard for me to breathe. "A break-up without any reasons? What a load full of craps, Chance."

"Don't pretend as if you do not know everything."

"I do not know everything." I say.

"Heh, really?" I see Chance moves his head sideways with a smirk. "Of course, what should I expect? A liar will always lie."

"Say what, Chance?" I emphasize, giving him a nasty look. He just hit some nerves.

"What I'm trying to say, Miracle, that you are a professional liar."

Me . . . a liar?

"Why are you accusing me a liar?"

"Not you only, even you family."

With his insult, I walk near him, enough to pull his sleeves and forcefully make him look to me. "Take that back." I threaten as I eyed him intently.

"That look of yours," Chance says arrogantly with dead eyes, "Is what you do when you kill people? Are you going to kill me right now? Just like what you really do?"

As if on cue, my strength falters. My grip to his sleeves falls. "What are you trying to imply? Telling me that I'm a liar and killer? What have gotten you?"

He leans to my face with a prideful smile, "What have gotten me? Don't give me that question, woman."

I just stare at him, round eyes. What did I do? It is the question bubbled inside my mind. He may have an arrogant look, but the emotions in his eyes are nothing but ice cold eyes.

"Still playing innocent, huh?" he scoffs, "All right, I'll tell you."

I hope this just end immediately. I did nothing. Or . . . that's the only thing I know.

"A liar and murderer. That fits you so well," he states my name with a sarcastic, mocking tone. His eyes are still darkly gazing at me as he shifts his head sideways. "because you . . . you killed my mother, don't you?"

Is there something that I should tell him? I should say something . . . but nothing came out of my mouth. I got numbed and shut.

"After all this time, you're with me—lying and playing the blameless protagonist role." he spats with hurt to his face, "Just how wicked you are."

Wicked. Am I really wicked here? I did something horrible, yet how come that I don't remember a damned thing?

"I should've listened to my father," he says, turning his back. "You are no good to me. Aside from that, knowing you is a big mistake."

I'm here, mightily staring at his back with a hopeful look. If I'm going to tell you that I can't breathe, will you going to believe me?

I can assume you won't.

"I'm mad at myself." he adds, "It's like I more hate myself instead of hating you. Why did I let myself fall in love with a mistake like you?"

Every words he says are like wandering knives that's piercing through my fragile heart.

"I regret everything, Miracle. Everything's wasted, all my love for you is replaced with hatred."

Helplessly gulping down my trembling voice, I handle to smile. "Okay, then. Maybe this is the ending."

I'm slowly falling in the world of hellish solitude where agony will be on my side.

I want to fight for our relationship. I want to tell him that we are not the persons who killed his mom. I can't stand this. I fuckin' can't stand it.

But . . . I'm now accepting his lethal proposal.

"Is that you what think of me? Even to my family?" I ask silently and sluggishly. "Even though I didn't know all things, I'm sorry. And thank you for all your love, though it's now replace by hatred."

I will stay strong. I will wear my mask of a strong girl who is so afraid to cry. It shall be like this, I would keep the pain even if it destroys me; even if it tears me apart.

I swallow a huge lump on my throat. "Thank you for your care, even for a short period of time."

Yes. This is the special treatment for a broken part of a body where emotions are felt.

"And thank you for the experience. You're the only one who taught me how to love in this harsh world."

It's too painful for my heart to bid goodbye. We are now close to strangers, Chance. I will walk away now. I wish I didn't hear everything he says. I wish everything is only a bad dream.

"You have insulted me in every possible way and can now have nothing further to say." I said coldly. The wind blows and my hair starts to dance on air. "At least, you listened on my part. At least, you'd let me explain. But it's fine. All I need to walk and leave and forget." I say, snorting sardonically.

It is now done. Without any words, I start moving slowly. Not turning back.

I want to pour out the pains. I want to break everything I see! I want to shout just to ease these burning emotions inside of me. And for the first time, I want to cry with all my heart. With all my soul. It simply hurts so much. All of myself is hurting without fighting.

Every steps, the more I get tired of walking. I know that I'm far away from Chance at this time.

We broke up. Just like that. Only like that.

I want to hear his voice. I'm yearning for his arms around me. But it's too impossible, so I will suppress all my longings. Why, Chance? You remain deeper than a scar in my heart, so I can't erase you.

I smile forcefully. Damn this.

"How's life, Natsumi?"

I got little surprised when I hear a voice. And I know who it is already.

"It's . . . not fine." I speak in low tone.

"I know life will never be fine."

"Why are you here?" I ask glumly. "Are you here to comfort me?"

"Comfort you?" she snorts, "I'm sorry, but I'm no good in comforting. I'm just here to shatter your heart . . . more."

"What do you mean, Casey?" With an empty feeling, I try to talk.

"Oh-ho. What happened to the Hime Miracle Natsumi Twain that I know?" Casey sorts cockily, "The great has broke down. Just because of a shitty thing called 'love'. Fuck that. Who needs love? Talk about pretty lame."

"Ah, right. I'm broken." I reply, smiling down. "I didn't do anything wrong. I know nothing. We didn't do that. We didn't kill his mom."

"Ah, yes. They didn't kill his mom, but you did, Natsumi."

"What?" I say incredulously. "What are your traps, Casey? Bullshit. Don't just spit nonsense!"

"Me? Natsumi?" she fakes laughs with sneer. "The noble Casey, who knows all things, will spit loads of bullshits? Why don't you just accept, Natsumi? You're the one who killed his mom."

"I am not!!" I interjected while glaring at her. "I didn't kill her! It's not—"

"Your fault?" and she cuts off. "Believe me, it is your fault."

"How can you tell? Why are you claiming that it is my fault?" This time, I talk slowly and calmly.

"You're might not aware, but you actually told Black Society where the Cain's were living. You know it, don't you?"

Did I?

"On your childhood," she remarks, "you actually met Mister Will at your family's forest. He asked you where was your home. And as a child of a don, your father commanded you to never trust strangers. But you actually did. You and foolish mind were tricked by a bad person."

As Casey continues her story, a memory flashes on my mind. There was actually a scenario happened just like that.

Yes, I did meet my father's brother.

. . . .

I was on my training that time and I was so enthusiastic running fastly to the forest. Not until I saw a house. It was just small house, but I could tell that it was lively. It was like a home.

Since I was just a kid, I just ignored them and decided to go back to the manor. On my way home, a stranger went in front of me.

"Hi, little miss." he greeted.

With an alarmful and distrust to my face, I replied back. "What are you doing here, mister?"

"Calm down, little girl," he said as he gave me a trust-worthy grin. "Actually, I'm working for you father. And he told me that I need to spy the house built secretly on this area."

"You're one of us?"

"Yes, Young Twain." the man answered.

"Then why are you spying them?" I said to the man. With his aura, I could tell that he was friendly person.

"Because we got some news that the house is owned by some traitors. And those traitors are plotting something to kill you and your family."

A small gasp escaped from my lips as I felt the fear hammering on my chest.

"What shall I do?" I questioned with a hysterical tone, seeking a help from a stranger.

The man smiled at me, "Kill them."

. . . .

"No . . ." I whisper, "I-It is not my fault. I do not know everything! I-I . . . I didn't—"

"Shush now," Casey cooes as she goes in front of me. "Who to blame right now, Natsumi?"

I stay silent.  What can I answer? No matter how I spin the world, the fault is on me. I'm the one to blame.

"How pathetic, right?" and she caresses my face. "Since the time of your innocence, you'd already killed someone. You really are destined to kill as if you are the bastard child of death!"

"No!" I shout, pushing her away from me. "No! I'm not destined to kill! I swear, I will change the direction of my life! I can do it. I . . . I-I can."

"Can you?" she says smugly while composing herself. "I hope you all the best of luck, Natsumi. Try if you dare."

"Of course." I say, "I do not mind if I die many times just to achieve freedom."

"Oh . . . very well said."

"I'm going to leave." I announce and start moving my feet. "I want to see Nate and Kuya Mike. Even my Mom and Dad. I want to go home." I utter, staggering. I'm sure, my car is just nearby.

"Home? Your brothers, and parents?" Without reason, Casey begins to provoke me again.

"Now what, Casey?" I inquire in irritated voice. "Are you still not satisfied in breaking me?"

"Well, to be honest, I'm still not satisfied." she answers, "I'll keep on shattering you, until you have no heart to live on."

"I already have no heart. What do you still want to shatter?" I smile forcefully.

"Trust me, Natsumi, you still have a heart. A heart you've offered for your family."

On the second thought, she's right. The reason why I still want to live is because of my family. I want to stay with them longer. My family is what I call home, my so-called altar.

"Then, what if . . ." Casey prompts as she slides her fingers on her hair. "I tell that you don't really have a family?"

"Is that thing you want me to know?" I ask emotionlessly.

I'm aware of my own heart and I know this time, that my heart turns into smithereens. I shouldn't feel any emotions, but what she have said, I almost melted.

"Yes, and what I'm going to say are absolute truth." Casey smirks, "That's why listen carefully."

"How can I trust you? How can someone like you know such truths?" I sigh. "Who really are you?"

"Of course, I am Casey." she replies, "I'm just the one who will make you suffer."

"Why did I still ask." I laugh skeptically, "So then, let me leave this instant."

"Oh, you're not interested with my story, Natsumi?"

"I am not." I answer straightly.

"Dear me. Why you don't want to know your existence, huh? I'm sure that you're still unaware of your own."

"Will you just shut the fuck down, Casey?" This moment, I can't control my temper. I breathe in, and let it out. "Telling me that I'm not a part of the family? Don't fuck me with some damned lies!"

And now, I lose control. Casey's smirks got bigger, until she muffles a laugh and becomes a ludicrous chortle.

"How pitiful." she chuckles, "You were born without knowing anything. And lies? C'mon, Natsumi, since you were still on your crib, your parents were've been already lying to you."

"Shut up!" I spat. "Quit your all your bullshits!"

"Listen to me," she says calmly and walks towards me. As Casey reaches me, she stokes my hair. "I know this is hard for you to accept, but you really are not a Twain. You can kill me anytime if my words are just deceits."

"No . . . no, Casey. Don't make a fool out of me. You're just lying! I won't believe in you. There's no way that my parent would lie to me. Never."

"If that's what you believe." Casey continues combing my hair, "But I can assure that I'm correct. Trust me, Natsumi, I won't lie to you."

"You are no worthy to be trusted!" I protest and jerk her hands. "I know, I know . . . they won't lie."

"Okay. Let's see." and she scoffs.

I take a breath and compose myself. I go to my car and ride inside. Starting the engine, I just drive full speed. I don't care if I die right now. I don't care about my surroundings, all I care is my pains.

I don't know what place I stop. I end on a place where there's only a tree planted and a natural lake with quay in front.

I don't want to go home. What if, what Casey has said are all true? I'm not a Twain? There's no more hurtful than that. I'm all broke. Over and over.

I get out of the car. The sun is down. And I'm expecting this night will be a grief.

I decide to climb at the top of the car. Lying down, I stare above the night.

I can see myself so null, blank, and deprived.

It just hurts so much and I didn't even defend myself. I lost on a battle—battle where striking someone on a raw part.

I shut my eyes tightly, I don't want to remember everything. I wish this would make me numb.

Tears slip down on my cheeks. Please . . . Please someone save my heart from desolation. Can somebody save me? I'm so hurt, inside out.

I face on the side as I curl my body into a ball and hug myself. I know that I won't survive this pain. Should I thank the luck that I'm alive right now? What a pity.

My mind gets blank. I can't think clearly. I don't know how to solve this.

I'm lonely. I'm broken. I'm hurt. I'm dying . . . and alone.

Rescue me, please.

Time passes and I feel so sleepy. And with no minute, I drifted to nightmares.

~ ♕ ~

When I wake up, it's cold. I slowly flutter my eyes and see darkness in the surrounding.

I sigh as I remember the heartaches. I laugh. Can I just die? It's easier.

With lonelinesss inside, I jump down off the car's roof. I enter the car and notice the time. It's 23:55 in the evening.

Ah, it's time to go home.

Wait. Home? Do I really have a home to live?

I then start driving with slow acceleration. I'm too broken to drive full speed. I have no motivation about life anymore.

I smile sadly. Am I really a child of my Mom and Dad?

Should I believe Casey?

I don't know. I don't know.

All I need right now is to confirm it with their own mouths.

Hideous thoughts are all on my mind. It's eating me. My demons are having a feast, laughing and making fun of my suffering.

I hate this. I hate being chained to darkness. Why can't I be happy?

I chuckle sardonically. My wish is impossible to achieve. I simply can't be happy.

After less than an hour, I reach the estate. I know that are worried right now. Especially Nathan. I promised him to come early to celebrate his home coming.

I climb out.

I start walking towards the main door. As I go inside, blinding lights welcome me. Yes, it's bright inside.

"Hime!"

That's the first thing I heard. It's Nathan's voice.

"Where have you been, baby girl? We were sick worried about you." Then it's Kuya Mike.

"Miracle," It's Mom's voice. Her sweet, gentle voice is making me feel home.

"Princess, what's wrong?" This time, it is Dad who spoke. "What's bothering you, my child?"

That's it. My heart squeezes. "Child?" I ask in an hurtful tone. "Your child? Am I really your child?"

"Miracle, what are you talking about?" says Mom while shaking. "Of course, you are our child."

"Please say the truth." I bit my lower lip. I'm afraid to cry in front of them. I got to keep this for long. I won't cry. "Am I really worthy to call you all my family?"

"Hime!" Nathan interferes as he goes beside me. "Don't make a joke like that. You are my twin sister, and nothing will change that!"

"Enough already." I whisper, "Please don't tell lies anymore."

"Stop saying nonsense!" Nathan replies in high tone. "Mom, Dad, please tell her that is not true."

I look at them with a hopeful look. "Please, say it."

"That's true." My father says. "Miracle was not . . ." he couldn't continue.

And so he declares the whole wide truth.

"I'm sorry, child." It's my mother's apology. "For keeping it from you." And now she's crying while clinging to her husband's arms.

I gaze at Kuya Mike. He's just standing, looking down. Whilst Nathan, he's left astound and can't utter any words.

"Miracle," Kuya Mike calls, "I was six, when Nathan was born. While Mom and Dad were in the recovery room, resting after giving birth to Nate. Because I was still young, I was not allowed to enter the hospital. Thus I was left outside. After some time, Dad ordered me to go home. When I was about to leave the hospital, I heard a baby crying. I followed the noises, and then, I saw you."

As Kuya Mike is telling the history, I can't help but stifle a sob. I close my lips with my palms. Revelations are breaking me even more.

"I hushed your wailing down, and you were so obedient and behaved dutifully upon seeing me. You were silently gazing at me peacefully like an angel inside of a basket while covered with your blankets." he goes on talking with a smile meaning sorry and happiness. "And then I proclaimed, 'beautiful'. That's true, you were beautiful."

Tears flow down while preventing to cry loudly. I can't tell if I'm happy or sad. But I swear, it hurts.

"Then I immediately brought you to Dad and presented that he would take care of you. Tomorrow came and I told them that I want you to be my sister." he says, "Mom and Dad were delighted and enthusiastic seeing you sleeping. We gave you a perfect name and loved you like you came from our own blood."

"I see." I say back. I smile between my tears. "Thank you . . . for saying the truth." Then I laugh. "I will go upstairs."

I walk. My head is spinning. I lose strength. I'm tired and exhausted.

I don't know. I can't breathe properly. I'm loosing air. My chest constricts and I can't explain how painful it is.

I wish I never existed.

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