Izuna

I was still holding Hashirama's hand as we walked into the hotel lobby, its dim light such a great contrast to the spring sun outside that it took some time for our eyes to adjust.

We hadn't spoken a word. Just walked back to the hotel, both of us walking faster than what we had done before, eager to come back. There was definitely something going on between us, and even if I couldn't quite come to terms with what it was, I found it felt safe. I wanted this. I wanted him. Not in the way I wanted Tobirama Senju, but in a way nonetheless. 

But in the hotel lobby, I stopped dead. Walking towards the elevator was Tobirama Senju, dressed in his black coat despite the mild warmth outside...

And he had a woman on his arm.

The woman was, of course, tall, leggy, fair-haired. She war radiating confidence and beauty; basically, she had everything I did not. She looked as if she had won the lottery, which she had, but at the same time, she looked so certain of herself, as if she belonged next to a perfect man, which she did. Tobirama turned and murmured something into her ear, not even bending down to do so because her stilettos made her the same height as him, and she laughed.

That was when I noticed that Tobirama staggered, and I realised that he was drunk. Comprehensively drunk.

And just as they stood waiting for the elevator to go up to his suite and do God-knew-what (actually, God knew exactly what), Tobirama turned...

And he saw me standing with his brother.

His eyes went to our hands, still entwined, and they lingered there. I could not read his face. Then, the elevators arrived, and his girl pulled at his sleeve.

I could see them beginning to kiss passionately just as the doors closed behind them.

Just as the doors closed in my heart.

"Izuna... Izuna."

"What?" I said, as if I'd just woken up, and turned to the man next to me.

"Are you okay?" he asked, so kind-hearted. 

"Yes. No. I don't know."

"Do you want to go to my room?" 

I nodded.

He pulled me with me softly, anchoring me to the now, and took me with him to another set of elevator than the one his brother had disappeared in, which I thought was so kind of him. And as we rode all the way up to the top floor, Hashirama held my hand, and nothing else, and I could feel warmth travel from his palm to mine. 

Hashirama didn't have a suite but a room, but it was large and just as beautiful as the suits. He placed me on his bed, then went to his mini bar and made me a very, very strong gin and tonic. I took it gratefully, drank it in one go; I wanted this to go straight to my head.

Then, I grabbed the brunette's shirt.

"Hashirama..." I murmured and pulled him towards me.

And his lips landed softly on mine.

His lips were heavenly. He kissed me tenderly, slowly, deeply. I loved being kissed like that.

"Izuna..." he murmured in a husky voice I didn't recognise. "Izuna."

He was suddenly serious, and I looked up at him.

"What?" I asked.

"Are you sure you want this? Want... Me?"

To my surprise, there was sadness in his big, brown eyes, and I suddenly felt terrible for using this man to forget his brother. At the same time, I wanted him. I wanted him so, so much. And I could see that he wanted me, too, and that it hurt him that I wanted someone else. 

I kissed him again, and he understood. He lay on top of me, undressed me slowly, until finally, we lay naked for one another. Hashirama pulled me up into his lap, and I sunk down over his erected dick, moaning as I did so.

I jumped him softly, slowly, the spark of the gin and tonic finally reaching my brain. Hashirama pulled his fingers through my hair to kiss me, and I loosened his from its knot, twisting my fingers through the silky brown strands.

We moved like the ocean on one another. We made tender love while at the same time, somewhere else in the hotel, in a similar bed as this, the man I loved was making love to someone else.

We ordered room service, starving. Way lay opposite one another afterwards, quiet, playing with the other's hair. From time to time, Hashirama would take my hand and kiss it. I would let my fingers slide from his chest to his abdomen, lean and strong. He would play with one of my nipple piercings.

"Izuna?" he finally said.

"Yeah?" I said, suddenly frightened by the serious undertone in his voice.

"I don't mind being used by a man to forget someone else..." I opened my mouth to protest, but Hashirama held up a hand and smiled a little, telling me it was okay, that he wasn't mad. "But you're the type of man that I could fall in love with. If that is the case, I need to know. I need to know, so that I can take care of myself."

I melted at how mature and serious this man was, underneath the surface of giddy lifelust. I cursed myself for not loving him more than I loved his brother; Hashirama was the type of man I could fall in love with, too.

"You love my brother, don't you?" Hashirama asked softly, still smiling that sad but reassuring smile.

I braided our fingers together, kissed the back of his hand.

"I do", I said. "Have done for a few years now. When did you figure out?"

"Just now, in the lobby. I should have figured out earlier, but..."

"But you didn't", I said softly.

"I didn't."

"Do you know... If he likes men?"

Hashirama turned to his back. I felt rejected, but when I curled up in his chest, he put an arm around me. He wanted me close, I realised, even if he needed some space. Those two contradictions together made sense when I was with this man. 

"He never talks about those he dates. To my knowledge, it has only ever been women, and only a week at a time, If even that." I felt my heart sink, even if I already knew this. Hearing it from someone who was basically family to him was so different than hearing Imogen and the newspapers state it. "But I don't know. Honestly, I think he could fall in love with anyone." He turned to me, put his finger beneath my chin. "The only thing I know is that the person he finally falls for will have to be very, very special."

"Not me then", I said with a sad smile.

"Especially you", he said and kissed me. "I don't think I can talk about this anymore. It hurts too much."

I lay on top of him.

"I really, really like you", I whispered.

"In a different life or a parallel universe, could I have had you?" he asked.

"Yes", I said without hesitating. 

He smiled, seemed happy about this. 

He kissed me.

We made love again.